Reflections of Love – Chapter 4
Easier To Be
They spent some minutes embraced. He didn't want her to go and she didn't want to leave. Her tears didn't stop falling and he would do anything to fix it for her. She didn't expect Alex to be this man for her and even if she did she would never think that she would feel the way she was feeling. She always felt safe by Derek' side but always there was a tiny, tiny fear that he will leave her again or that she will find out anything else about his life. With Alex in that moment all she could feel was safety. She didn't want to move one inch away from him. She felt his hard muscles around her body and it was like a shelter. Her body fit perfectly between his strong arms and chest. His touch in her head was just soft, calming and comforting.
Any of them said any word and the minutes just passed by. Slowly her tears were drying untifl she finally stopped crying. She didn't want to stop crying because the feeling in his arms was too good and if she stopped he might push himself away.
He only could think about what that meant. He wasn't supposed to feel that way. In fact he didn't know what that way was exactly. He was compelled to hold her and to not let her go either to Boston either to anywhere but his arms. He was so confused, he didn't know he was feeling that way. He thought maybe it was a way to be close to his sister that he missed so much. Maybe it was like to be close again to his mother. Maybe it was because they were family and Meredith was like a sister. But what about the butterflies? One doesn't have butterflies embracing his sister or mother. While he was thinking about all those things he didn't realize that she stopped crying. She didn't push herself away and neither did him. They just stood there together.
After a while he realized she was calmer. He didn't want her to leave and based on the dried tears in his scrubs she probably stopped crying minutes ago. He knew she didn't detach herself from his body and he felt like she found a more comfortable spot in his chest. She leaned all her weight over him and though it wasn't too much it was enough for him to feel her body totally joined with his own.
He didn't want to break that moment but he had to. His head was saying him to push her away and leave without say a word but how could he do it? How could he ignore what just happened? Why didn't she push herself away? Why didn't he?
"I…I… should…go…" she said without move an inch
"You don't have to, my shift starts only at 8" he said
She pushed herself some inches away just enough to look to his face. When he realized her body moving away from his he felt an emergency feeling to hold her tighter but he resisted to his instinct. He felt her breath in his neck and looked down to meet her eyes already in his.
"Thank you Alex" she said running her eyes to all over his face. He smiled to her
"I didn't see this coming. Not from you but the people we expect less are the ones that give us more" she said kissing gently his cheek and cleaning the lipstick mark with her thumb. It was the first time he felt her touching him that way. He had shivers all over his body. If she was still with her head on his chest she would feel his heart running. Her touch was just smooth and warm.
"I will think about it." She said totally detaching her body from his.
He just nodded and looked her leaving the room.
He sat down on the bed behind him and buried his head in his hands. What was that? What he was feeling? When? How? Why? His mind ran through all kind of thoughts. Was he falling for her? But what about Lexie? They were hanging out and he really enjoyed her company. Was it a Grey' sister thing? Was there anything special about them? He knew how was to be attracted to someone and he always felt attracted by Meredith the same way he was by Lexie but those feelings weren't just desire. Am I falling for her? He asked himself it over and over and over again and he didn't want listen the answer. He couldn't fall for Meredith Grey. He was wrong. Maybe it was about the chase because he was seeing one sister he was compelled to chase the other and it was probably only this.
Although that night was quiet he didn't sleep. He couldn't easy his mind from Meredith. How come he spent the whole night thinking about Meredith Grey? Lost in his feelings he finally got an answer and it wasn't an easy one. The last time he thought about someone the whole night was when Denny died. It was about Izzie. It wasn't only when Denny died but many others nights after that one. He couldn't sleep thinking about Izzie, the only woman he ever loved and the one he was convinced he still loved. But what about Meredith?
Meredith drove to her house thinking about the moment they just shared. She was happy, she was really happy. She finally had someone. Someone that will be there for her. Someone that had no reason to leave because he wasn't hers. She liked the safety of his arms and the protection of his embrace. She felt like all pain was drained for some minutes. This was what she needed to be at Seattle. It was easy. No feelings, no relationships, no betrayals and lies. They were friends. Sex she thought is what destroys everything and seriously Alex and I will never have sex. So this is perfect to me.
She headed to her bedroom and for the first time in the last month she laid her head in the pillow and there wasn't any other feeling there but relief. Relief that someone loved and cared about her and that she wasn't alone after all. Before she realizes she was sleeping.
In the next morning she woke up and she felt she wasn't lonely Meredith with a screwed life running away. She was loved by her friends and Alex said her he would be there when she falls to catch her. She knew Cristina and Izzie won't be there for her now but Alex was. She decided to go earlier to the hospital and maybe meet him there.
She arrived about an hour before she should and she looked for him everywhere. He was no where to be found. She asked some nurses and they told her that no one had seen him during all night. They explained that it was a quiet night and others residents had the few cases that came.
Where is he? She asked herself. She wasn't sure if she should call him or not because he was probably sleeping. She finally gave up and decide to go to the residents locker get ready and wait until Callie or Bailey give their assignments for the day. She was walking through the hallway when she passed by the very, very old guy room. Maybe it was safer to wait there. She really didn't want her joyful morning to end by meeting McDreamy and his new hot doc. She carefully opened the door and notice that someone was there also.
"Hey" she said
"Hey… Hi" he told
"I was looking for you everywhere" she said
"It was a quiet night" he said uncomfortable
"So I heard" she said smiling
"So?" he said trying to say something
"So I'm happy and thanks to you" she said
"Really?" he asked hopeful
"Yes, being in your arms yesterday was the best feeling I had in a long while. Sorry I didn't include you when I said about my family but I always thought that you would never be so close to any of us." She said very happy
"Neither did I" he said half-smiling
"This time I won't screw up"
"What do you mean?" he asked
"I won't sleep with you. Everything is great until the sex. This is when the crying comes or the hidden wives show up" she said "But not this time. I get to learn from my mistakes. So we will have this great friendship and we will be there for each other and everything will be just fine as it is right now. No more dark and twisty Meredith. No more drama and crying. No more tears"
"So I will be your friend and won't get any benefit? Dude, you know I always get benefits" he asked smirking and trying to hide his disappointment.
"We can sleep together" she teased
"That's much better" he said excited
"But we won't have sex. We will only sleep." she said giggling "It is a George and Izzie thing and it is really corny but guess what? Corny people are happy and I'm tired of being whiny and complaining Meredith." She completed
"This is helpful. I said I would be there for you but I'm not so sure how much longer I would listen to you. I mean you are really boring when you whine" he said smirking "But I don't buy tampons neither cry over on your should. I'm not O'Malley, Grey" he said
"Fine" she said "We are not going to be Izzie and George. Don't worry. We will be much better" she said giggling
"Good because I won't sleep with you and ignore how hot you are" he said as very, very old man moved in the gurney
They continued teasing each other and after half hour they headed to the resident locker room. They were happily talking and her giggles could be heard from the hallway which took Derek's attention.
Cristina and Izzie didn't understand most of Alex and Meredith jokes and they thought the two roommates were just nuts
Callie entered the room and gave their assignments. Cristina was with the new head of cardio, Dr Shawn. Izzie was with Sloan. Alex was with Dr Rogers and Meredith with Derek.
"Dr Torres" Meredith called
"Yes Dr Grey" she said
"Is Dr Ross still in town and working with Dr Shepherd?" she asked
"She is still in the hospital but she is with Dr Sloan today" said Callie coolly
"You seem okay about it. Yesterday I thought you were… uhnn… uncomfortable" said Meredith
"She is Shepherd's young sister Meredith" said Callie smiling to the 2nd year resident "Sloan says she is like his sister also"
"Si--sister?" asked Meredith shocked
Callie nodded and smirking she left the room
"Seriously? How idiot can I be? I mean it was on my nose… in their noses all the time and I freaked out like a 12 years old" she bitched
"Dr Grey" he called behind her
"How can you not introduce me your young sister?" she said
"Excuse me?" he said
"Your Liv Tyler sister. How can you just--. Grrrr. Forget Derek, I mean Dr Shepherd" she said angry
"How am I supposed to know you want to meet my sister if you are avoiding me for weeks?" he asked
"Forget it. I'll go get my interns. We will meet you at the nurse station" she said leaving
They did the rounds and pre-ops and later they were on surgery together. It was a craniotomy she'd been many times before but she always had something new to learn from him
"Liz and I are having lunch in the restaurant in the other block do you want to come along?" he asked
"What would I have lunch with you and your sister, Dr Shepherd?" she asked
"I thought you wanted per our conversation this morning"
"You are wrong and I already met her. I had surgery with her and Sloan yesterday" she said
"So I heard"
"So I don't need to know her I already do I was just wondering why I didn't know she was your sister. Only this" she said
"If you change your mind Richard, Callie and Sloan will also join us" he said
"I won't. My friends are waiting me for lunch. I will meet them when we finish our surgery" she said showing no interest in his invitation
"Liz is thinking about move to Seattle. It will be a good change, I really miss my family" he said trying to get her sympathy
"Or maybe you should just move back to New York and do it easier to everybody. I bet they miss you too" she said softly. She didn't want to be harsh but she didn't want to feed any feeling for him right now. Not even compassion.
"I have a contract with this hospital and a commitment with Dr Webber. I can't just move only because it is more comfortable to me although I do agree with you that it will be easier to everybody." He said sadly
"If you don't think you should be here so why are you allowing your sister to move in?" she asked
"She is a 6th year resident and she wants to learn from Sloan. She is choosing Plastics"
"Your mother will be the next soon" said Meredith giggling
He didn't listen to her giggles in any of their conversations for a while and he was happy to listen it again
"Mom won't ever let her grandkids behind her unless Liz gives her some" he said
"Or you." She said
"Considering she is married for 5 years I think she is closer than me" he said
"Seriously? She married during her internship?" she asked
"In fact before. She will turn 6 within two months"
"How--How old is--is she?"
"30"
"She is young to be a 6th year resident"
"She is a genius. We all have been always so proud of her" he said with a big grin "she graduated earlier both in high school and college"
Meredith could see how proud of his sister he was. She thought nobody felt this way about her before. His sister was pretty, smart, a genius as he said, shining, a talent surgeon and apparently happy in her marriage. Meredith wasn't envy or jealous. It was like she never had been this lucky. It wasn't about Liz it was about herself. The best things she had in her life were her friends and Derek. Her relationship with Derek was over and she didn't have much hope about it. All she got was her friends but maybe Alex surprising support was a turnover. But since when she started thinking about Alex at all? She was surprised by her thoughts. How come Alex Karev was the one she was thinking as a hope for her life to change? Why she came earlier to the hospital in the first place? Lost in her mind she didn't listen to Derek calling her name. After the fourth or fifth time he spoke louder and she finally got out of her thoughts. "Yes Dr Shepherd" she said "Thank you for your assistance today" he said preparing to leaving.
"It is always a pleasure to work with you Dr Shepherd" said her leaving the OR to scrub out.
Derek still loved her badly and all he wanted was to find a way back to her heart. This time everything was just different from the time he chose Addison. Meredith seemed stronger and decided to move on. She didn't run away from him – at least he thought it. She was working with him and making no effort to be his friend. She was just there like everyone else. Doing her job, talking to him when she really had and sometimes risking some jokes. He could see in her eyes that there was still love there but its brightness was fading day by day and he had to figure out what to do to get her back.
Meredith joined her friends to get lunch and she couldn't stop thinking why she felt so connected to Alex. Everything just seemed lighter when he was around. Maybe she was needy and he was there for her. She didn't feel any emotion that would make her believe she had a crush on him or something but she didn't felt comfortable needing him so much. They were just friends but she knew things could suddenly change and break them apart. She didn't like to be that depend on anyone because every time it happened she was hurt. Unconsciously she kept her eyes at him during their lunch. He didn't realize it because he was also lost in his mind and their friends were excited about their surgeries that morning. He had no doubt. He was falling for Meredith. In that moment sat by her side all he wanted was to hold her in his arms and kiss her passionately. He had to fight against his feelings because the only time he felt this way before he got hurt. Because Meredith was in love with Derek and because she would ever feel the same way about him. Even if there wasn't anyone else they wouldn't work. They were too damaged and hurt and they would probably have the most dysfunctional relationship ever. No definitely falling in love with Meredith wasn't an option and although he didn't know how to get rid of his feelings deep inside he didn't want to. Feel this way about her was a good thing. They lived in the same house, they were close. As she said they only needed to be sex free and everything would be okay. He won't fight his feelings. Either feed them. He will just be close to her which was enough to make him happy
Easier To Be is a Lifehouse song.