Chapter Four: Sleepover! ...And Some Really Bad News

After Kyo turned back into a boy and explained to the girls about the Sohma curse (certain members of the Sohma family are possessed by a vengeful spirit of the Chinese Zodiac and turn into their animal when hugged by the opposite gender or they grow weak, yada yada), he decided that they weren't all that bad and he actually really enjoyed their company. So Nurgle and Larkin held a slumber party in his honour. They invited his three housemates -- Shigure, Yuki, and Tohru; his cousin Hatsuharu; Yagami Light; Kurosaki Ichigo -- who demanded he be allowed to bring all his cool Death God buddies -- Steve Willits, L, and Carlos Mencia. Light wasn't there for an hour when everyone voted that he should go, but not before he and Nurgle exchanged numbers. The guests were freaked out by the fact that he could write them into his Death Note at any moment, and everyone knew his creepy invisible shinigami was hovering somewhere, watching them all. Ichigo offered to kick his ass, but that would only provoke Light and the girls would rather there weren't any casualties by morning.

L and Steve Willits were instantly terrified of each other, each accusing the other of stealing his identity. After they'd downed several bottles of sake, however, they came to the conclusion that they were actually long lost twins, separated at birth by the Witch of the Waste who'd adopted Steve and put him to work at Hot Topic to steal all of the pretty girls' hearts.

Ichigo and Rukia spent most of the night making out on the sofa while Abarai Renji and Inoue Orihime watched from a dark corner, bawling about infidelity and Treasure Trolls. Shigure holed himself up in Nurgle's bedroom claiming he needed to have a novel finished by midnight, when he was actually going through her underwear drawer and scheming ways to sneak a peek at all the girls' breasts without being noticed. Kyo and Yuki were at each other's throats constantly while Tohru tried relentlessly to stop them, a fact that Larkin did not like. "She's only trying to get to Kyo, that little slut," she said to Nurgle several times. The two then proceeded to stuff Tohru's pillowcase with horse poop from the yard.

At about eight o'clock, Carlos Mencia had finally grown tired of telling jokes that everyone was ignoring and went home. Larkin pulled a sauerkraut pizza out of the oven that was devoured in under a minute, and then everyone decided to tell ghost stories. Yuki brought a bale of hay in from outside and Nurgle used her eyes to light it up. After the entire silo burned down, they all realised that indoor campfires were a bad idea and they moved the party across the street to Kyo's house.

After all the ghost stories were told and Yasutora Sado, or Chad as Ichigo liked to call him, had soiled his fourth pair of pants, Shigure popped in a movie and took a seat on the sofa beside Orihime. When a figure suddenly crashed through the roof and landed in the middle of the living room, Shigure ran crying for his bedroom, assuming he'd been caught red-handed touching Orihime's large breast.

The figure was wearing a lime green windbreaker and a white motorcycle helmet. He looked around at the motley crew and asked, "Where can I find Nurgle and Larkin?"

The girls stood. "That's us!"

The figure then started rapping.

[insert rap that Teeni needs to find here]

"I'm Curtis1000. I'm here to tell you that the city of Williamsport is in grave danger!"

"Did Shigure raid the girls' locker room at the high school again?" Haru asked. "I tell ya. What a perv."

"No," replied Curtis1000. "Hellblazer and his evil henchmen are plotting to blow the city up. They claim there's nothing fun to do here and there's no reason it should even exist."

"HELLBLAZER?!" Nurgle and Larkin screamed in unison. "I thought we killed him once?!"

The girls and Curtis1000 told the group about how Hellblazer and his henchmen, Midnight and Rav3n, had once tried to rid Williamsport of all the good-looking boys because they were stealing all of the pretty girls and not leaving them any. Nurgle and Larkin took out those bad guys easily and buried them in the city landfill. They'd assumed they were dead and had been under this impression for the last three years.

"So now we have to kill them AGAIN?" moaned Nurgle. "Couldn't they just stay dead? Jeez."

Larkin let out a groan. "This so figures. I was just getting used to being lazy and not having to worry about the bad guys. Ichigo, why don't you take care of this?"

Ichigo jumped up off the sofa and drew his zanpakutou. "Anything for you, baby.'" Orihime instantly slapped him across the face and stormed out of the house. He stared after her then said, "That dumb broad has been trying to get into my pants since the first episode."

"It's okay, Ichigo," said Rukia. "I'll take care of her." With that, she ran out the door and wasn't seen the rest of the night.