I've been back at work for two weeks now. Things are still rough. The officers and detective that didn't see the video still treat me like shit. I don't trust korsak or frost so I don't really talk to them. I haven't haven't spoken to ma or frankie which is fine by me. when Tommy finally came back from vacation with Lydia he said he had my back always, that shocked me a little. And the only time I talk to maura was for work, I can tell she wants to say more to me but stops herself. She look like she was losing weight and she look pale. I have to talk to her soon, today, maybe.

Cooper and I have lunch everyday and as much as I hate it, I'm starting to open up a little bit. My fucking eyes are still fucked up. It doesn't hurt anymore but it's black and blue, it looks really bad. oh and my lip is healed thank god. The bruise on my side and stomach healed, the only thing giving me trouble is my fucking eyes.

I text riley and told her I can't have lunch today and I head down to maura's office. I knock on the door and I walked in. She looked surprised to see me.

"Detective rizzoli, what can I help you with" she said with a fake smile, I sighed and sat down in a chair in front of her desk

"How have you been maura"

"Um fine " she cleared her throat "I'm doing good, Det - jane"

"No you're not, you look like your losing weight and you look pale. So you want to tell me what's wrong?" she's deep in thought and I can tell she's thinking about not telling me what's wrong. So I decided to help her out a bit

"You and I both know im not leaving until you tell me what's wrong, so you might as well tell me." I said and she sighed

"I'm so sorry, jane. I know it's not enough and I know what I said was horrible what I did was horrible."her voice cracked "I said some pretty awful things to you, and I'm sorry, I hope you can forgive me. I miss you, and I love you, I love you with all my heart and I'm just really sorry" she finally released the tears she was so desperately trying to hold back.

I'm so torn I want to be a bitch to her and tell her to fuck off. I want to give her the same treatment she gave me. But at the same time I just want to run over there and hold her. She just look so miserable, I hate seeing her like this.

"You know maura I really just want to say fuck it and you and walk away and don't look back. I want you to hurt as much as I hurt. I want to not even care about you or how you feel. I want to ignore what my heart is telling me. I just want you to... fuck I don't even know. But then again I still love you and for the life of me I don't get why I can't turn that shit off. What I don't get is why I can't just walk away from you. I don't understand why I can't hate you. I don't understand why I can't hurt you. And you know what ,I won't even be selfish I just want you to feel just a fraction of what I felt. But I can't do it, nun of it. And it makes me so mad. I love you maura, but I don't want to, I want to hate you. But I can't, so now what"

"I'll wait for you jane, until you're ready to forgive me. I know you're angry, and I know I hurt you. I know it's going to take a lot to trust me again. I'll wait until you're ready no matter how long it takes. We can start all the way over. Start as friends and see where it takes us. Whatever you want. Jane I'll wait."

"You're willing to wait what if it takes a year"

"Jane I don't care if it takes ten, I just want you"

Fuck! Why can't I just walk away. Who the fuck am I kidding I'll never be able to walk away from maura fucking isles. I sighed and stood up, maura took it has a bad thing she turned her head and and sobbed. I walk over to her and pulled her up. She refused to look at me. So I wraped my arms her waist and whispered in her ear

"look at me maur,please" I kissed her ear, and then her neck. She shook her head but she wraped her arms around my neck and buried her head in my neck and sobbed some more "stop crying, it's okay we'll work on it, I love you"

"I love you too, I'm so so sorry "came a muffled response from maura "I'm so so so sorry jane"

"Stop crying"

"I don't want to lose you, I have had nightmares every night since it happen, and I called out to you but you wasn't there and it was all my fault"

she's hysterically crying now, I have to calm her down before she pass out.

"Please calm down for me, I'm right here I'm not going anywhere okay calm down" she take a couple a deep breaths and finally she calms her self down and she pulled back and looked at me and her eyes are red and puffy she sniffles a little and says

"I'm sorry about your shirt"

"Don't worry about it, enough with the I'm sorrys' okay"

"Okay, I love you janie"

"I love you too m we will be okay"

"Maybe we could go to counseling, I know you're going to need help with trusting me again "

"I'm okay with that. What ever it takes maura, whatever it takes" I just hope I'm making the right decision

(Sorry for the mistakes)