AN! – Sorry I haven't updated in so long, but I've been really busy!
I'm now 7 months pregnant. I feel and look like a whale, but I know it will be worth it in the end. I can't wait for my baby to arrive. Only two more months! Everyone is so excited to meet him/her. I didn't want to find out the gender, because i thought it would be more exciting to wait until he/she is born.
Lissa has been driving me mad. She won't let me do anything without her approval. It is starting to get really annoying, but I know she is only doing it because she cares about me and my baby. Christian try's to help sometimes by suggesting they let me sleep and Adrian helps too by asking Lissa to try new things with spirit. But she only stays away for a very short period of time. The other day she suggested I move in with her until I've had the baby. I made a few excuses up as to why I couldn't. One being about her and Christian not being able to be 'alone.' As soon as I mentioned this, she was fine about me declining her offer.
My mum and dad have been amazing. They really stepped up to the plate, when I needed them most. Now that they are living so close, I see them every day. Me and my dad are getting to know each other and me and my mum have a really strong relationship now. I'm so happy that they have decided to be in my life properly now. Everything is going perfect.
Lissa keeps pleading with me to tell 'him.' I just can't bring myself to do it though. Does that make me a bad person?
I wish I had the guts to do it. I really do. There are a few things that are stopping me though:
I know that if I hear his voice again, any progress I've made living without him will be forgotten.
He won't want to know. He has Tasha now. Why would he care about me and our baby? He is most likely already 'making' them with Tasha.
He won't believe me anyway. So what is the point in making him think I've been sleeping with other people?
It's been months since he left. He hasn't called once. Graduation is soon, I wonder if he calls then to see what my marks was like. What am I even thinking? Of course he won't phone. He doesn't care, remember. If he cared he wouldn't have left.
I've been feeling a lot better recently. I have my family and friends and they have been helping me try to get over him. I also have my baby on the way. That's been helping me a lot too.
Apart of me is worried though. Say I'm not a good mother, what will I do then? I'm also scared that my baby will remind me of 'him.' What will I do then? How will I be able to look at him/her?
I know Lissa and my mum and dad will help me out a lot, so I'm not worried about needing any help. I am really lucky. Most young mums don't have anyone to help them, but I have my mum, dad, Lissa, Christian, Adrian, Eddie, Mia and even Alberta. I know that is a lot of people, but I just wish that 'he' was here.
I miss him so much. Some days I feel better and others I just want to curl up in a ball and stay like that. I act like I'm ok in front of my friends and family. I put on that fake smile I know they want to see. Is it wrong for me to do that? They think I'm getting better and in some ways I really am. I feel better; it still hurts, but not as much anymore. That doesn't mean that I'm over him and that I still don't cry myself to sleep every night. It just means that I'm learning how to be ok without him, sometimes.
I'm pulled out of my train of thoughts, by Lissa telling me through the bond, to open my bedroom door. I get up and open the door and she pulls me into a hug.
"Rose..." she drags out my name. I know instantly that something's wrong.
"What's wrong, Lissa?"
"Well, Tasha phoned Christian today. She wants to visit. But don't worry, I convinced her not too. But well now we have to go visit her." She says it all slowly, letting it sink in.
"WHAT?! Lissa I can't go there! You know I can't" I can't believe what she is saying.
"Rose, I know. Don't worry; I don't expect you to come. Your mum and another guardian will be coming with me."
"My mum?" I ask confused.
"Yes, she volunteered when she found out about the trip."
"Ok, Lissa I need you to do something for me." I don't know if she will agree, but it is worth a try.
I tell Lissa what I need her to do and she agrees to do it immediately. She tells me that they are leaving tomorrow at noon. We talk about the baby and other things that have happened lately, for a few hours. Then she leaves so I can go to bed. As soon as I hear the door close, I break down in tears thinking about 'him.' When is this going to get any easier for me? Is my last thought before I fell into a dreamless sleep.