Disclaimer: Oh, how I wish they were mine... alas, they are not! Anything recognizable belongs to the brilliant J.K. Rowling. Anything else belongs to me. :o)
A/N: Thanks to rhfan, Avanell, Ms.BiancaGrint, Alquimista, SheRocKZThaTsTaGe, Vogon Jelts, PoTtErMaNiAn87, adrimee, melanielynn, hpisthegreatest, and yohopiratesyoho for their reviews (specific responses to questions and comments below the chapter).
Wow, I had no idea this fic was going to be so controversial! It seems people are either loving it or hating it, which is okay. Frankly, those of you who are flaming and saying how certain things would never happen- give me a break! It had only been three chapters so far! I will remind you all again: this is a post-war fic, meaning the characters are older and fundamentally changed by that experience. If you are looking for characters who are exactly as they are in the books, turn around now, because you won't be finding it here.
Sorry this update took so long, but I had to do real-life stuff!
Thanks for reading, please review!
Damn, that hurts… Where the fuck am I? Oh, right- hell on Earth.
The previous night came flooding back to me as raised voices floated through the walls.
I could hear Harry and Hermione yelling at each other and felt momentarily guilty for possibly having caused it before squelching the unpleasantness rising within me.
Good. I'm glad I caused a fight. Serves them right, moving on without me- moving on with each other like that. They can fight 'til they're blue in their faces for all I care.
"I can't believe you just left him like that, Hermione- what the hell is the matter with you?"
Yeah. You tell her, Harry! Say something about her hexing me next.
"What's the matter with me? Did you not hear what I just told you he said to me? He called you my fuck-buddy. My FUCK-BUDDY! Frankly, I think hexing him with Petrificus Totalus is the nicest thing I could have hit him with."
Good point. I'm a bastard and I bloody well deserved it- not that I'll ever tell her that. She hexed me and frankly she will pay for that in one way or another.
"I don't care what he said to you- that's Ron. He always goes off half-cocked, says something stupid, and eventually he apologizes for the lot of it. You know that. You've always known that."
I do not do that! Merlin, he makes it seem like I'm an inconsiderate git. Well, I may be sometimes, but not always.
I tried to roll over to get into a more comfortable position, before I realized she still had not released the spell which held me in place.
"That's no excuse! Besides, he was going to leave and that was the only thing I could think of to do. He's only been there for four hours; I doubt he's even awake."
Think again, sweetheart.
"It doesn't matter if he's awake. It matters that you did it at all. Why didn't you just come and get me?"
I can't believe he's defending me like this… it's completely unexpected!
"Come and get you? Come and get you? He was still inside me! What did you want me to do- call out your name while I'm still technically shagging him? 'Harry, come here, I need you'? Yeah, I'm sure that would have made it better for all of us!"
Oh, thank Merlin she didn't do that. I think my heart might actually have stopped if she did that!
"Don't take that tone with me! It's just that-"
"It's just that what? You wanted me to come to you- my lover- after I had just made love to another man?" Hermione's voice sounded shrill and I feared her shortly losing control. "And you do remember that he is the man who just happens to have been your best mate since you were eleven? Do you also remember that not six hours ago, he was the man who you basically gave me permission to shag? That's what you wanted me to do, come get you?"
Ouch! She's got a point mate. Damn if she doesn't always have a point.
"Well, that's what happened anyways! You ran back into my arms. I had to hold you while you cried, knowing you had just made love to him! What would the difference have been if you came to me twenty minutes earlier?"
Fuck. She went straight back to him- ran into his willing arms… What, no response, my love? Or maybe she was just too quiet for me to hear… Yeah, there it is- sounds like she's mumbling something back to him.
"You think I don't know that?" Harry exploded again. "I told you that I loved you and I understood what you needed to do. I basically told you to go back to him, despite how much I didn't want you to. Do you think that giving you my blessing made it any easier being able to hear everything that happened in our bedroom? You forgot to put up a Silencing spell, love- you didn't care for my feelings enough to remember something as important as that!"
Oh, shite! He could hear everything? As much as I hate him right now, I actually wish I could take that kind of pain away from him. We both know what it's like to love her and know she belongs to someone else… Fuck, everything about this situation is wrong.
I could hear her crying mournfully and my heart broke just a little more. I realized with some surprise that Hermione was as much a victim of the situation as Harry and I were. My overwhelming sense of anger had filtered out that thought, but it snuck through and revealed itself to me suddenly.
The worst part is that it's entirely my fault. If I had never left, if I had refused to walk away and made sure we resolved everything, none of this would have happened.
More silence. Damnit, they need to speak up!
"I do love you! I don't know what else to say or do to prove that to you. I'll always love you."
Kill me a little more, love. Why don't you scream how much you love him from the rooftop next time? I don't think all of the neighbors heard your proclamation.
"It's not a question of whether you love me or not. I know you love me, but…" Bloody silence. Can't they be polite enough to yell loud enough for me to hear everything? "He's my best friend-"
"I'm your best friend and your lover!"
"Yes, you are, but I'll still lose, won't I? You're both of those things to him too!"
He'll lose? Interesting… I thought Hermione basically made it clear to me that it wasn't just a fuck. If that's the case, this won't be over as easily as he thinks, no matter how badly I wish that were true.
"I know that! Don't you think I know how bloody fucked up this is? I feel like I'm about to lose my mind or that I'm going completely crazy. But please, honey, just don't shut me out."
Honey. There's that dirty word again.
I snorted internally. It was ironic that I finally got to hear actual curse words coming out of Hermione's lovely mouth and I was preoccupied with her pet name for her lover and my best friend. The continuing nature of just how fucked up the situation was kept getting better and better.
"It's just the pain, you're not about to lose you mind. We're just all in pain and it's not going to go away easily. No matter what, someone will lose."
As angry and hurt as I am, it's going to have to be you, mate. You being so willing to lose her moments ago- or maybe that was him being resigned to it?- well, that gave me the incentive to fight for her. She deserves no less than me fighting to be with her.
"I don't want anyone to hurt anymore. I guess that's unavoidable, but…"
I could hear her continuing to cry and knew this was killing her. The entire situation seemed impossible and irreparable to me. I could not even begin to imagine how horrible she must be feeling in this moment.
Their voices sounded much louder, though I knew they were no longer yelling. I assumed they were walking by the bedroom on the way to the kitchen or the sitting room. Whatever they were doing, it made them a lot easier to hear from my spot on the bed.
"I need to know what you want, who you want. I need to know if the last time I made love to you was just like any other time or if it was the last time I'll ever make love to you."
"I don't know. I just- I just… I just don't know. I wish there was something I could say, I wish that I could tell you something, but I'm just so confused right now. I feel like nothing I knew only hours ago is true anymore and I don't even recognize my life right now. Everything changed the instant he came home, and yet… I still just don't know. I'm so sorry."
She seems to be saying that a lot tonight.
I wait to hear his response, but I could not hear them anymore. Thoughts flooded my mind as I tried to imagine different solutions which would miraculously make us all happy.
Fuck, there's no way. Honestly, we can't share her- I'm not strong enough for that! Short of sharing her, I can't see any way for us all to win in this situation.
I knew somebody was going to hurt and I wanted so badly for it to not be me. I hated the idea that if it wasn't me hurting, it would be Harry. Either way, my love, well, our love, would probably agonize over her decision.
Of course, I mused, it would have to be Harry who answered the door in the middle of the night. Harry, the one bloke who I can't properly fight for her.
I hated to admit that the situation was somewhat my own making- I had pushed her into his arms. That much was abundantly clear.
But she pushed me away! We were both trying to recover and get back to a normal life, whatever that is, and she pushed me away.
That day at our flat, the day I left, had replayed in my mind over and over again as the worst day of my life.
That wasn't how it was supposed to happen! This wasn't how I pictured my life.
I knew that no matter what happened between the three of us now, Hermione and I had some unfinished business to address.
Before my mind got stuck in the dangerous waters of our shared past, I forced my thoughts to the present. I thought about my love, who had given me so much, long before we had ever found the courage to love each other openly. I thought of her spirit- so passionate, so capable, so genuine. It had taken me a long time, and strong pushes from every one of my siblings, including Harry, to finally feel I was worthy of her. I honestly believed I could never match her brilliance and thought she deserved a bloke who could.
The only problem was that I hated anyone who wanted to prove he was worthy of her.
Once I realized that her happiness was all that mattered to me, I offered myself up to her, with the hope that I could be the one to bring that beautiful smile to her face. I never truly thought she would choose me to make her happy, but she did and somehow I did and that was enough for me.
My thoughts turned to Harry, who had never questioned my worth, who had always stayed by my side. Harry was my best friend, one of my heroes, my teammate. Harry truly was my brother, in word, action, and spirit. I had been his second and he had been mine in anything that had ever mattered. I had vowed to keep him from harm and to see him safely through the war. All I had ever wanted for him was to see him happy, without the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Huh! I thought suddenly. All I ever wanted for both of them was their happiness- it's what makes me feel happy and fulfilled.
The deeper level of my conflict suddenly became crystal clear: Of course she ended up with Harry, and on some level, I'm happy about it!
I had always thought my two best friends were perfect for each other- brilliant in ways that complimented each other. Harry had been the one man whom I had ever thought could somehow deserve my love's attention and affection. When he had gotten together with Ginny, I had been thrilled and relieved that he was no longer a viable option for my love, my Hermione.
With a heavy heart, I sighed inwardly and set my mind. I loved her enough to want her happiness, even if it wasn't with me as her lover. I loved her enough to set her free if that was what she wanted from me.
We'll just let her decide who she wants, who she needs. Well, who she wants the most. It's clear that she wants, needs, and loves both of us.
I resolved to tell her that I would respect her decision, whatever it was, once she and Harry returned. My ears perked up at the sound of the door opening and suddenly I could move again.
She was a beautiful vision and she was upon me before I had even realized she had crossed the bedroom. "It's always been you," she said breathily as she sat astride my still-naked thighs.
Okay, this I can work with!
"Tell me you never loved him as much as you love me," I demanded, leaning forward and kissing her neck.
My hands roamed freely down her body, clutching her tightly to me. One arm anchored firmly behind her back, I yanked her mouth towards mine.
"Tell me," I demanded again, my lips hovering mere centimeters from hers.
Please. Oh, please.
"Never. There's never truly been anyone besides you."
I claimed her lips and clung to her, taking back what was rightfully mine, what I had very nearly lost. I can't believe I actually walked away from this, from her.
I nibbled her lower lip somewhat roughly, insisting that she open to me, give me her all. She gasped slightly and I took advantage, once again learning the contours of her mouth. My hands found the knot at the front of her dressing gown and held steadily.
"Tell me," I said breaking the kiss, "that you love me." I need to hear the words.
"Yes," she responded heavily. "I love you so much it hurts."
My hands untied her dressing gown at her words and slid it down her shoulders. She and I were bare to each other, in body and soul. I pulled her forward and held her aloft, her invitingly warm, wet folds hovering inches above me.
I spoke once again. "Tell me. Tell me you're mine and will always be only mine."
I held her above my body, though she was swiveling her hips and trying to envelop me inside her body. My whole life hung in the balance, waiting for her answer. She leaned forward slightly and smiled widely.
Oh, thank Merlin. I'd know that smile anywhere. She's mine, she's mine!
"I'm yours. I'll always be yours. And you- you will always be mine."
I didn't even wait for her to finish claiming me, I just plunged upward inside her and pulled her flush with my chest. I held her close to me, intimately joined and unmoving, yet again savoring this moment that I lived for. Home.
"My favorite part," I whispered honestly.
"I know, and I love you for it."
We began to move languidly, no haste in our movements, no great rush toward completion. I moved slowly within her, and she within me, feeling the exquisite pleasure of sliding together, flesh upon flesh. She never allowed me to fully pull out of her body, refusing to tolerate even an inch of space between us. I clutched her bum and kneaded it; I stroked her tongue with my own. Despite the slowness of our lovemaking, I could feel my orgasm rising and I knew she was close.
"Ron! Ron?" Startled, I looked up into her brown eyes and was instantly confused.
"Ron, I'm going to release you, but I need you to promise you won't leave. You can't Apparate from here, as I'm sure you remember, and I'm willing to hex you again if I think you're going to run. Please don't make me do it."
A dream. A damn, fucking, bloody dream. It was a dream. Damnit.
I felt my muscles loosen and my eyelids wearily closed in relief of being open for so long. Keeping my eyes closed, I took a deep breath and readied myself for an unpleasant conversation. Opening my eyes, I was surprised to see tears streaming silently down my love's face.
"Ron, I'm so sorry. I was just so scared you were going to leave me again," she whispered sadly.
Oh, Merlin. She's terrified I'll take off again. I'm such a wanker to have done this to her.
"Hush." I sat up and let muscle memory and instinct take over, forgetting any anger which had previously thrummed through my body. I cradled her head against my neck and stroked her hair and back. "I understand, really I do." I found that I really did believe my words, though I had no idea how it was possible. "Sometimes I make rash decisions; I know you were cornered and had to act quickly."
"You're- you're not mad at me?" she asked cautiously and slowly pulled her head back from my neck. I felt a little empty at the distance she created, and held onto her waist.
I miss her. I don't know how I'll ever let her go if she chooses Harry.
"No, I'm not mad at you for hexing me. I'm not mad about anything, I'm just frustrated and scared and hurting. I imagine I'm not the only one, yeah?"
She nodded at me, as though she was afraid to speak and bring up the unpleasantness of my homecoming.
"Hermione, love, much as I want to stay here and forget that everything isn't easy, I know there's loads we have to talk about. I feel like we need to talk about everything that happened before I left, because I know that we weren't being entirely honest with each other. Can we maybe start there?"
She nodded again, looking surprised that I was willingly trying to talk to her about everything. She was looking at me with… respect, I realized with a start.
Maybe there is something to this honesty thing and being willing to share my feelings. Hell, I would have tried this two years ago if I had known she would have given me that look.
"After that, the three of us should sit down calmly and rationally and talk about… our situation. I know it won't be pleasant, but I know we all have some thoughts on the matter. Before you protest, just let me tell you that I heard about half of your conversation with Harry because you two were yelling so loudly. But, we'll get to that a little later. Is this okay, Hermione?"
She still looked surprised and I raised my eyebrows at her in inquiry, a silent request for her acquiescence.
"I- wow, Ron, I really don't know what to say. You've really matured. I'm sorry I ever doubted that we would be able to sit down and talk like adults. Whenever you're ready, I'm ready to talk and I'm ready to listen."
I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts before beginning.
This is going to be a very long conversation.
A/N: and the plot thickens... still a lot more to come, so please don't flame me for things that haven't been developed yet. But, please hit that little button below and review!
RHfan- Thanks for reading and reviewing. This fic is not fluffy, so I have the feeling that most of the chapter endings won't sit well with a lot of people. Thanks for sticking with it though. :o)
Avanell- An explanation and more questions! Evil, I know. You'll see in upcoming chapters (still a few away) just what Harry was willing to ask of and do for Hermione. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Ms.BiancaGrint- Well, this answered the question about the silencing spell. No such luck. They've all got some hard times ahead of them. I would say particularly Harry, but they've all got their battles coming. Thanks so much for continuing to read and review- it's very much appreciated!
Alquimista- Wow, so many questions/comments! Hermione is not a liar, nor is Chapter 3 inconsistent with Chapter 1; not really. It just seems that way right now, because you haven't seen what is coming up. Hypocritical? Yeah, that might be a little closer. Hermione was merely reacting out of anger and feeling hurt. There was still more to unfold, but it was coming up in this chapter and in the next chapter. You'll see in chapter 5 how things start to make some sense regarding the past R/Hr relationship. I promise there are explanations coming up which will help to answer some of the questions you have. Until then, thanks so much for taking the time to leave such a detailed review! I really appreciate it:o)
SheRocKZThaTsTaGe- Hi Sarah! Thanks so much for making it over to this fic and for reviewing! I'm glad you're enjoying this one, despite my tendency toward cliff-hanger endings. ::hugs::
Vogon Jelts- Thanks so much for the support and encouragement! Honestly, it is very heart-warming to know there are readers out there who want me to complete the fic. I was starting to feel down from some of the flames, but I realized that I can't make everyone happy, you know? I'm so glad you are enjoying it::kisses::
PoTtErMaNiAn87- Wow, thank you so much for your compliments and comments! I agree, it is a line that was never meant to be crossed, but desperationg often leads people to do things that might not otherwise be done. True, the magnitude and implications of those decisions is huge, and it will be difficult to get it all worked out, but all hope isn't lost! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing- I hope you continue to be intrigued.
Adrimee- Thanks so much for your reviews! I'm so happy you were excited to read each chapter. It's a fine line, isn't it? I mean, Harry did betray Ron, but it was when he was at his lowest point. Prior to that, he was nothing short of obsessive with fulfilling his promise to his best friend. It's hard to find the fault, you know? I hope you enjoyed this last chapter, as the plot keeps unfolding. ::kisses::
Melanielynn- Hi Melanie! So good to hear from you again. I have to admit, I myself am at a bit of a loss when I see how controversial this fic is becoming. I had no idea readers would be so divided on it. Having said that, I tend to agree with you: I'm all for the Trio and not-so-much for Harry/Hermione. However, I can easily see how in a moment of incredible pain and suffering, they might turn to one another for comfort. In your review, you said: "You were always Harry's first love and I think his deepest love"...I know you'll probably get flames for a line like that but it resonated as entirely true to me. To be perfectly honest, that was one of my favorite lines of the chapter, because I really do feel that despite his interest in Ginny, Ron has always been Harry's deepest source of love. Like you, I turn to the times when Harry and Ron were distant (particularly in GoF), and I see how that was much harder on him than anything we've read so far. The loss of his friend and brother was almost more than he could bear. "I personally think that if you write a story in which the characters are adults there will be percieved OOCness simply because they are not children anymore." I couldn't agree with you more! I think the reason a lot of people have a hard time with my characters is because they are forgetting the crucial fact that they have lived through a war. Hell, growing up changes people, without the added stress of living through the bleakest imaginable stress. It was so nice to have your support on that, because I have been feeling rather irritated at the readers who don't see WHY I haven't written the characters exactly as they are in canon. As always, THANK YOU so much for your thoughtful comments, your opinions, your insight, and your encouragement. I truly appreciate it each and every time you have written to let me know what your reaction to the fics have been. ::hugs::
HPisthegreatest- Well, as you can see in this chapter, Hermione followed up her argument with Ron with an equally loud one with Harry. Poor Hermione, she really is just being stretched to the limit of her sanity with the suddenness of Ron's homecoming. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!!! I'm so glad you really enjoyed the chapter. Did you like this one too?
Yohopiratesyoho- Wow, wow, wow! I'm feeling so flattered by your review! I'm so glad my characterizations are resonating with you, particularly my adult Ron. It seems that many people are not enjoying it, but I'm glad that you are connecting with the way I wrote him. There's still a lot more to come, so you can hold out a lot of hope for them all to be happy in the end- it just might take a while to get there. :o) Thanks again for reading and reviewing!!! I really, really hope you enjoyed this last update.