Chapter 4: Bad Luck Blondes

"Choose wisely, for while the true Grail will bring you life, the false Grail will take it from you."

The Knight,

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

I don't know what it was that went on in Ted's life, but I saw that almost every blonde he tried to date he had bad luck with. It wasn't until I pointed this out to the others that they agreed. Karen, Stella, Zoey, Jeanette, and then in the next 12 hours or so, this poor train wreck of a girl named Cassie.

It wasn't that anything was wrong with her in anyway. It was just that she was an emotional mess. Her friends hated her, her boyfriend just dumped her, she just got fired and pretty much any misfortune that you could think up that might happen during a regular weekend (with the exception of a lethal disease) had happened. But let's back up a bit.

It was evening wedding party that Friday night. I was hanging around with Barney and the others while he explained to Ted his plans for him that night. He would be setting him up with one of three girls for the weekend.

"I spent all of yesterday picking your three prospects for the wedding." Said Barney.

"And I helped." Said Robin. "It was either that or write our wedding vows. Ugh."

"Sophia, Robin's old college roommate. Cassie, my mom's best friend's daughter. Grace, a new co-worker."

It didn't take 10 seconds of getting acquainted with Cassie for him to jump to the chance of sleeping with her.

"Cassie, I choose Cassie!" He said.

As soon as I saw her hair color, I shook my head. "Uh, Ted. I think that you may have chose poorly."

"How so, Ollie?"

"Zoey, Stella, Becky, Jeanette, Karen. What do these women have in common?"

"Uh, all of my worst exes?"

"Not just that. They were all blondes! Haven't you ever seen that? For you, blondes are bad luck!"

"Ex-gymnast with boobs too big to go through exercises? I'll take my chances."

"Don't say I didn't warn you."

While Ted had to endure all of Cassie's wailing, sobbing, and otherwise bitchy actions, I discussed the Reverend of the church. He glared over at me with gun barrels for eyes.

"Ma fuhrer, that stache is a good look for you!" I saluted with the most subtlety possible.

"Burn! High and Low Five!" Said Barney. I obliged with a quick five.

"So what's this guy's thoughts on me?"

"He doesn't like you, Ollie. But don't take it personally. I think the only thing he likes is shooting down marriage requests."

"You couldn't get another guy?"

"Who could we turn to, Ollie? Who would marry us?"

If Barney was seriously forgetting James' dad, then he deserved to get this angry old guy for a reverend. I kept my trap shut.

We're all ashamed of things that happened in our pasts. I don't need to tell you of what I'm ashamed of because you know my story. But Robin and Barney were so ashamed of how they met that it turned out that they stole more than each other's hearts.

"You stole the story of how we met?!" Cried Lily.

"We couldn't help it!" Said Barney. "Yours is sweet and lovely and all that crap!"

"Well, yeah. Because it's Marshall and Lily." I put in. "But what gives you the right to steal Lily and Marshall's story?"

"Ollie, not every love story is a sappy one covered in chocolate. You know that." Said Robin.

"Hiding your meeting story from the minister is only gonna fuck things up further."

"YOU!"

I jumped at the thundering voice. I almost thought that it was God, and I had pissed him off so much with my constant swearing he was gonna drag me through the gates of Hell. I looked over to see Lowell pointing a quivering finger at me.

"Aw, shit." I groaned. "Busted."

I walked over. The guy may have intimidated me, but it was clear that he too found me to be a bit more tough than the people he handled usually. He seemed a little off put by my ability to stand up to people.

"I want you to repeat the phrase you just said to the bride and groom."

"Gladly." I replied. "I simply said that lying to the minister is only gonna fuck things up further."

As I found out, it was under this guy's book of over 1001 rules in his church, (I found it in his desk whilst looking for a bible on the wedding day.) swearing in his presence meant swearing in the presence of God, and that meant I had to be "banished".

He snapped and snarled at me, barking like a mad dog. I tried to keep my cool as best as I could while I was getting chewed out. Finally he finished up, leaving me to go back to the bar.

"A shot of tequila, Linus!" I cried.

As I took the shot, Robin and Barney started angrily yelling at Lily. She had exposed the real story of how they met to Lowell. Lowell stormed off with the two following behind.

"Did you hear about Ted and Cassie?" Said Linus.

"What about them?"

"According to one of the waiters in the dining room, they're the couple of the weekend."

I laughed. I think it was a drunken laugh, but I was just laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. I got yelled at a reverend for swearing in a place that didn't even belong to him. His office was at the church, which wasn't even on the Inn's property. And now two people who the universe was desperately trying to pry apart with a crowbar were called the "couple of the weekend".

"What's so funny?" Said Linus

"I told Ted not to choose her. Looks like he chose 'wisely'."

He did not. Cassie wasn't meant to be at the wedding if she was in that kind of state of mind. If she was upset that her boyfriend was sleeping with Sophia, the "car alarm", then a wedding would be the last place she was supposed to be at.
My phone rang. It was Darren.

"What?" I snapped into my phone. "What do you want, you fucking Diablo?!"

"Ooh! Temper, temper, Ollie. I can't have guys who can't hold their cool in my band."

"But it's not your band, asshole. And you're gonna fire me anyways. I saw the link."

"That ad's just a warning. I'm calling to make sure you understand." He lied. "Fuck up one note at this gig, and I'll see your ass shipped out of here as fast as lightning. Do I make myself clear, Ollie?"

"Only my friends can call me that, Rochev. Go fuck yourself." I hung up.

"Who's that?" Said Lily.

"It's our lead singer." I said. "He's a real devil."

"Sorry, Ollie." Said Lily. "I wish there was something that could make things better."

"I agree. I'll take anything to solve any one of my problems." I said.

Barney and Robin then ran in.

"We got another problem." Said Robin.

It wasn't a problem. If anything, it was a huge save for me and the others.

"Dead? Lowell just dropped dead?" I asked.

"My best guess is that he couldn't take the news that we had sex in his office, and died right on the spot." Said Barney.

"We can use the church, that's the good news. Bad news is we just need to find a minister by Sunday." Said Robin.

"Don't worry. I'm sure you'll think of something." I said.

Ted suddenly came up to the bar with a different blonde. I recognized her from the iPad photos as Grace.

"Barney, if Ted is still stuck with Cassie..."

"All yours, buddy. Grace'll go bonkers for you."

"Sweet! Thanks!"

Ted got the news from the two that Lowell had died, and came up with an idea.

"Should I do a toast?"

"NO! NOPE!" I cried. "Not for that prick!"

"Ladies and Gentleman," he began, raising his glass. I pushed my hand into my face.

"Reverend Lowell has passed on from this good Earth, and even though he-"

"Uncle Bob is dead?!" I looked over to see Cassie sobbing harder that I had ever seen. I looked over as Ted walked over to comfort her.

"Uh, Grace. Have a good night." He said as he led Cassie out of the room.

"Hey, Barney. Calling Dr. Wingman." I said as I headed for Grace.

"Check." He replied. He swooped in and tapped Grace on the shoulder.

"Hey Grace, Haaaaaaaave you met Ollie?"

While Ted was up in the room trying to comfort Cassie, I was actually doing pretty good with Grace.

"A bartender? What a fun job!"

"And you! You work with Barney. Can you tell me what he does?"

"Ha! Please." She replied.

Dammit! That's what I always got as an answer. Grace, in her part was a sort of paralegal with GNB. She ensured that any of GNB's activities that weren't legal were covered by mountains of fine print and crazy bullshit jargon that no one understood in the contracts.

At around 10 pm, my phone rang. I didn't bother checking the caller ID, because I was almost positive who it was.

"Excuse me, Grace." I said. "I gotta take this."

I went out into the lobby and picked up my phone.

"Fuck off, Darren. Shut your fucking mouth and understand that your threats are empty and that I will beat the living shit out of you if you fire either me or Juno from the band. I will act on these threats, unlike you."

There was silence on the other end. Then I got a voice. "Ollie? Are you okay?"

It was Marshall. "Oh my god! I'm sorry, Marshall. Just been getting calls from someone I hate. What's going on?"

"I need your help." He said. "It's urgent."