Will of the Damned:

Chapter 4: Beauty of the Beast:

Dear Diary,

Here I am again, writing down my thoughts in this diary. I was walking around today when I came to a realization. I hate shinigami. No, it's not some instinctual reason or something like that. In some ways, it's even more irrational. I hate shinigami because Madara-teme is one now. I hate shinigami because they hold themselves to be paragons, yet they kill just as many as we 'hollows' do. The difference is we do it to survive, they do it to 'save others'. I hate shinigami because they left me and Naruto-kun to become Hollows, and never tried to konso us. Why didn't they try to save us? I hate shinigami because they cause us pain, and little else. Why? Why do we have to work with them?

I...I'll be honest. I'm afraid. I have been afraid since my death, I have been afraid of the horrors of this 'afterlife'. I will never forget when I became a hollow, when I had my first meal...when I first heard the maddening voices...I still hear them at night. I still hear the hollows screaming as I devour them. I still hear the voices in my head, accusing me, tormenting me. I know that it's because I don't have my zanpaktou on me most of the time. Most people think that someone can survive without their zanpaktou. For shinigami it's true, but for us arrancar, it is the part of us that balances us, that gets rid of the voices. I think...I think that I'm the only one that knows that.

I don't want to remember much from that time, that horrible time of hunger and bloodshed. I remember feeling that what I was doing was somehow wrong, and I didn't know why. Aren't we supposed to be emotionless monsters caring about little other than our hunger? I...I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it all, tired of all the predjudices. I'm tired of Aizen saying that he understands us, yet he treats us almost as bad as the shinigami do! The only thing that he doesn't do is kill us outright!

Back when I first died, I remember wanting to go where Naruto went. I didn't care if he went to hell, I didn't care if I ended up in the worst place in the universe. As long as I had him, I would be fine. My life would be complete. I didn't expect it to get this complicated. Then there's my sister....

I miss her. I miss her and mother and even Udon, but I haven't seen them. I haven't seen them anywhere. Either they're shinigami, random hollows, or dead again, I just don't know. I...I'm worried about them. I know, deep in my heart, that even if they were shinigami and trying to kill me, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to fight them. I respect them too much.

I'll admit it. I'm confused. I haven't been able to think much about it, but...no, this isn't the time to worry about it. Maybe when this war ends, when Aizen falls...then I can worry. Now I have to worry about Naruto-kun. I have to make sure that we'll get out of there alive, and if I can't do that, then at least, I will get Naruto-kun out alive, even if it costs me my life. If I can do something beneficial to him in death, then it will have been worth it.

Sometimes I worry if what I'm doing is right. Aizen, as bad as he is, at least he doesn't kill us. There's a good chance that even if we do kill Aizen, we'll be killed ourselves. I wonder if Naruto-kun is the same as I remember him. Then I think back to those conversations not too long ago, and I know that...even though he has changed, he is and ever shall remain the same man I had a crush on for years. The same man I now love.

Love... It's an emotion that's hard to define. In life, there were a lot of people who claimed they 'loved' someone because of their looks. Is that love? I didn't think so then, and I definitely don't think so now. It was lust I believe, but I'll never know, not from them. I haven't seen them...well, unless the pink haired fangirl had a sex change...I shudder at the thought. I used to think I loved Naruto-kun, but now I realize it was just a crush. At the time I didn't know enough about him to love him. Now though, now that I've been around him for decades, no, centuries, I... I think I do love him. I cannot count the times he's cheered me up when I was sad, or when he took a blow meant for me to protect me. Whenever I look at him, I feel a heat blaze up inside me. Despite the fact that most of them are assholes, I'm glad I'm a Hyuuga. If I wasn't, I would be blushing like an idiot everytime I saw him. When he's there, I feel content, like all will be well.

If that isn't love...then...I don't what is. I don't have any experience in things like that. I suppose it doesn't matter. I'm content to simply be at his side, whether he notices me romantically or not. If he marries someone, as unlikely as that is here, if he's happy, then I'm happy. Even if I'm not the one making him happy, just...I want to see his smile, I want to hear his laugh again. It's been far too long since I've heard it. Being a hollow has inevitably depressed him. The fact that, as an Espada, he supposedly is the manifestation of loneliness...it's hard. It's hard to see him depressed like this! It hurts, it hurts so badly to see him cry in his sleep, though he denies it every time I mention it. I know now that he's probably having nightmares by Madara, hoping to weaken him to take control.

Before I got on his case for being lazy. I hated to see him so down and dreary and so...different than his normal self. Then when he told me why, I hated to see him in pain because of that damn Madara.

Madara....that man is the cause of all our problems. If it hadn't been for him, Naruto-kun wouldn't have been a Jinchuuriki. The Yondaime would be alive and well. Naruto-kun would be alive and well. Our friends would never have died, the invasion from Akatsuki would never happen, and our friends would be alive. More importantly, Naruto-kun would be happy.


The thought makes me want to find a way to extract Madara and kill him with my own bare hands. I want to make him suffer for all that he's put us through. I want to make him pay for every life he's ruined. The hardest part, is knowing that I can't. I can't without harming Naruto-kun, and even if I could extract him without Naruto-kun being in any pain, I still likely don't have the strength to kill him.

I must admit, I feel better now. It seems that writing a diary to write down my thoughts may just help. I feel more determined, because I realize now what I've known all along. I've got to get stronger, I have a reason and a will to fight, and I will not abandon that purpose. I will fight to protect, an odd concept for a hollow, and I will not allow myself to fail. For now, I had better go. Naruto-kun will be here any minute, and I can't let him find this diary.

~Hyuuga Hanabi.

Lilinette closed the diary and put down her pen. Picking both of them up, she walks over to the wall, and opens up a hidden compartment. There, she finds a katana wrapped in a lavender sheath. She looks at the sheath for a couple moments, knowing that she will have to use it soon. Then she puts the book and pen right in front of the sword and closes the compartment.

Footsteps echo through the air, and a yawn resounds. Lilinette smiles to herself.

A/N: Argh, this didn't seem to come out the way I wanted it too. I hate writers block... Oh well, I'm trying. This chapter was purely to give insight into Hanabi's character. She's confused and insecure. She doesn't know what to think, and I think it shows well here. I know she skips around a lot, but hey it's a diary. I think that when most people write in a diary or journal, they just write what comes to their mind. Maybe that's just me. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. Side note: Most people enjoy this story more than my other one, so this is my main story from now on. The Golden King will be undergoing a rewrite at some point, but this is going to take up all my focus. Oh, and yes, she did change the hiding spot of her diary. She knew that it would be easier to find under her bed than with her Zanpaktou. This is mainly because she doesn't think that anyone knows that she hasn't been using her zanpaktou, and instead using a fake one.