Chapter 4: Things Left Unsaid….
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~The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
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"Why did he have to go?"
I sighed, leaning my head against the wall behind me. I closed my eyes, feeling a headache growing by the second. I was tired, I realized. So very tired. It had become a custom for me to feel this way.
"Sometimes," Ray's voice was slow; sort of comforting in the tense environment I'd created by asking that question so unexpectedly. I know I shouldn't have, but I was looking for answers, I needed them and I needed them quickly before I made that final decision. "You never know."
"He shouldn't have chosen that path." I opened my eyes, waiting till my eyes focused to my left, where Ray sat on the couch, staring down at me with concern.
"Are you blaming him, Hils?" He blinked at me, and I said nothing. He seemed to hear a 'yes' in my silence.
"He'd made things so hard for himself," I felt the need to defend myself. "for us. He could've had the easy way around. By quitting. It wouldn't have mattered to us."
"But it mattered to him." Tyson looked up, speaking for the first time. "You mattered to him."
Not this again.
"Don't start with me on that, Tyson." Was all I said as I pulled my knees upwards and leaned back against the wall again. He got the message, though and I was glad he wasn't pushing. If I had mattered so much, if all of us had actually mattered, he wouldn't have left us…
There was a little silence, and I could tell everyone was thinking about the same thing as me.
"Sometimes, Hillary," Max finally spoke, and I turned to look over at him. He was staring blankly at the floor. "Solutions aren't that simple. We don't know what he was thinking."
I nodded, though I didn't get it.
"He was thinking of proving himself." Tyson said what was in my mind, but I didn't miss his intentions.
"He said he was, Tyson." Max looked up, his blue eyes filled with emotions. "We don't know for sure."
Another wave of silence washed over as they thought some more.
"He didn't have to go." I repeated, and no-one turned to look at me this time.
"Sometimes," Tyson said, without looking up. "It's the only way."
I looked away, down at the floor. So that was it, then. My decision was final now. No backing out now…
"No matter how much we want otherwise."
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At first, I thought I was dead; because nothing made sense. The dark greenery stretched so far that it was all that I could see. I took in a deep breath, and flinched at the sweetness of the fragrance….Roses, Lilies…Jasmine….It was all over. I felt the wet grass beneath my feet and marveled, for a second, over how cold it really felt…cold and nice. The sun, glistening up so high, showered its light upon the land down below; brightening it more than it needed to be.
But still; nothing made sense. I shouldn't be here. I didn't belong here…
At first, really, the only explanation I could come up with was this; I was dead. It was my sub-consciousness, I realized, that must've passed on this image. I couldn't deny the fact that it was what I'd been thinking about lately…. that it was what I wanted it to be…
But then, I felt the wind push against me, tugging on every inch of my body –my white dress, as it flowed behind me; my hair, entangling in a mess around my head—it pushed against me with such force, I found it hard to keep balance. And just as I pushed yet another handful of hair from my face…I saw it. One minute, it was the endless, green grass, stretching as far as my eyes could reach, and the next minute, there was another figment of imagination I wanted to be real, standing in front of me.
It was breathtaking, the way he stood; so tall, so lean…so safe. Of course, that must've been my brain comparing him with the last time I'd seen him—so broken, so hollow and so …weak—that him look more wonderful than ever. I smiled, despite of my pain.
And that was what proved that I wasn't dead, as I wanted to be; there shouldn't be any pain afterwards.
"Hillary?"
I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice…so surreal, yet so uncannily familiar. I felt my throat burn.
"I'm here."
I opened my eyes to see that his back was turned towards me now. The sun made his unusually two-toned hair glisten more in its glow, and I just watched as the wind changed direction, blowing against his back, pushing his clothes forward…It bothered me, it seemed as if nature was silently trying to tell him to move forward….away from me. I didn't want him to leave me again.
Unconsciously, I took a step forward. The wind howled, and this time, I felt it blow against my back, as if urging me to walk up to him. And how could I not do so? He was there…So close…
I raised my hand, as if to reach out for him if he was near, as if to call him forward if he could see me; but he wasn't near, and he couldn't see me, so I pushed myself forwards, feeling my will crumpling with every step.
I was dreaming…I was sure of it. And it would sting so badly in the morning. But then, I just wanted to be with him… even if it meant getting hurt…
"Kai," I whispered his name so slowly, yet, I expected him to hear it. I took another step forward, my hand outstretched….
He turned his face sideways, as if to there was something bug on his shoulder, and he was watching it writhe, and only then did I realized that it was a reaction to me calling out for him.
"Kai," I tried again, feeling my face crumple. He didn't move, and once again, I took a step forward. I was almost there.
He half-turned, a smile teasing his lips, to look at me; his expression was an amused one. Did he find my pain amusing?
"Kai," I almost pleaded, my hand stretched out in front of me desperately, almost as if he'd disappear if I pulled back.
The grass felt, once again, wet underneath my feet as I took the remaining few steps to close the now-small gap between us. I felt something wet on my cheeks as my hand finally touched his back…
"I'm…" I lost my voice when he turned around completely to look at me. He grabbed my hand that was on his back, gently off of him, and pulled it downwards. My eyes never removed from his face, so smooth, so pale….so real. I felt the long-suppressed desire to touch it.
He raised his free hand to put it on my cheek and only then, did I notice the all-too-small distance between us. I took another step to reduce it. He wiped the moisture on my skin, and his eyes trailed over me, as if noticing me for the first time; up, then down…up….eyes. His breath was on my face, he was too close.
"I…" I started, but then thought better of it. He was a dream, nothing else. He shouldn't be here…I shouldn't be here. This was just my subconscious mind playing a joke on me. And tomorrow morning when I'd wake up, I'd be back to the suffering…
For a second, the realization took my breath away; I gasped, now conscious of the tears as they blinded my vision. Suddenly, gravity felt stronger than ever, and I let it pull me downwards to the moist ground. I was feeling suffocated and throttled. I wanted to be with him, yet I was scared of the consequences.
"You…" I heard myself say through the pain I was feeling; a low stabbing, right in my chest. My hand was still grasped in his hold, still so loose, it felt like slipping away; it scared me, the very thought that it was, and I found myself gripping his hand tighter. I looked up. He looked so fragile and unreal, as if he would disappear any moment, and I'd be left standing there alone, just like before.
He was looking down at me, his eyes blank; his expression held no pain, no anger, and no pity….not a single thing. I felt like I should be pushing him away, it was the same uncaring expression I'd seen –seen and never forgotten—once, and it hurt more than anything else, but I found that it was against my very will.
"I missed you," I blurted out, despite myself and suddenly, as if he didn't have the energy to stand anymore, he fell on his knees, right in front of me. He looked at me, his expression held so many emotions that they were hard to read. In the back of my mind, I realized that they meant little; this wasn't real… it was a figment of my mind… but that never stopped me from doing anything I did next.
"I've…" I started again, my hands reaching towards his face, but before I could really touch it, I pulled away. Would he disappear if I touched him once again?
"Hillary," He stated, ignoring me apparently. His tone confused me, it felt like he was checking what my name sounded like to him, like it was the first time he'd said it.
He smiled.
"I'm here," he said once again.
"Why do you keep saying that?" My voice broke, but somehow, he just smiled at me. "Why are you…smiling?"
He leaned backwards a little, and as if I were glued to him, I followed suite, leaning towards him in response. He raised his hand again, to put it on my cheek…he barely touched me, it was so hesitant, his touch this time. Did he bore the same fear as me? The fear that he'd go back to his own unknown world if I touch him?
"I'm…" I gushed, "s-sorry."
I leaned towards him a little bit more, closing my eyes after I'd put both my hands on his shoulders. Nothing happened.
"I'm sorry I couldn't help."
He said nothing, and miserably, I turned my head downwards to the ground. I didn't open my eyes, I couldn't bear to.
"I love you, Hillary." His words hurt me more than they did the first time I heard them. This time, even if it was somehow true that he did care it was too late for it to matter...he was gone, and that caused the words to hurt me more than they'd ever before.
I opened my eyes to look up at this illusion which my mind had created. His head was turned sideways, his smile never left his features. He wasn't making any sense. But maybe that was because, that this wasn't him… I was seeing what my mind wanted him to be. Maybe that's why he was acting so queer.
"Did you hear me, Kai?" I could taste my salty tears as I yelled angrily at him. I raised myself just a little, so that I sat taller than him, but he didn't snap, he didn't glare, he didn't even flinch. "I'm…"
My lips were quivering…He sighed.
"Sorry," I finished, pushing myself into him. The desire of wanting his comfort overpowered my previous apprehension of his vanishing and leaving me alone in this place.
I was vaguely aware of anything that was happening. He was cold, he was stone against me. I whimpered a little more as he circled my waist with his free hand, while his other one let go of mine and was in my hair, rubbing against the back of my neck. My arms went around his back, yearning for something that I desperately needed; him, being alive. I couldn't get it, and the realization, on my part, made me more desperate.
The wind changed its course again, pushing against Kai's back; I felt its tug on my sleeves as it pulled them backwards. It was cold, and it was wet….I felt lonely and so guilty….so hollow…
"We couldn't make it." The first of my unkempt and unconscious words came out of my mouth in a gush full of emotions. So much to say…. "I'm sorry."
I could already feel the ghost of the pain, ripping through me, warning me not to move too closer, to think too deeply, to do what I shouldn't do…
Of course, that was exactly what I did; I talked to him.
"I'm sorry that I couldn't give enough," I whispered against his skin, "that I couldn't give you enough to keep you alive."
I didn't have the courage to stop him… I wanted him to know that I was sorry for giving up.
He sighed again, the sound would almost have been muted due to the howling gust, but I was close enough to hear.
I pulled back to look at him. He was smiling. And this time, it was my favorite lop-sided one. It made me happy, partially because I could see it, and partially because I was glad my imagination had caught, and kept, this side of him so successfully.
He leaned forward, pressing his lips to my forehead, where they stayed and slowly, as I felt myself falling backwards, I started to feel disappointed…It would be over? So soon… and I would be back in the real world; back with the disappointed stares of everyone, back to the murmurings around school, to the hollowness which I felt every passing second..the emptiness only he could fill.
"You're with me now," I heard him reply to me logically for the first time, and I smiled through my tears as I realized that I really was falling backwards; but only because he was pushing me that way. It wasn't over…yet. And I'd make the best of this moment, even if it was all in my head.
"Then just stay," I whispered as he pressed his lips to my forehead again, pushing me so that I lay flat on the ground. "And live, and breathe…"
He pulled away so that he was resting besides me, instead of at top me, and I sighed in disappointment as I continued with a fake little smile,
"And try not to die again."
He rolled over, till he was on his stomach and then he raised his arm. I watched as slowly, he brought his hand near my face, yet again, to touch my skin. It felt like a strange thing to do over and over again, and it felt even stranger to feel this calm sensation when he did so….but I didn't stop him.
I deserved this moment….I'd still take it without guilt even if I didn't deserve this.
I closed my eyes, feeling as his hand moved down my cheeks, onto my neck, then my shoulders. I felt his cold fingers against the bare skin of my arm as they trailed slowly downwards….Then, I felt his fingers on my stomach, through the fabric of my plain, white dress…
"We couldn't make it," I repeated, letting my defeat show, letting him know that I had given up. He said nothing in reply; maybe my imagination was worn out already….I was pushing at it a little too much, I realized. I rolled over, still, determined to make the best of this moment. I wrapped my arms around him, closed my eyes and just let myself feel him nearby; something I'd never really had a chance to do…
And I cherished the memory, even if it was all in my head.
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I didn't recoil when my fist hit the wall...again and again and again. I twitched my nose at the small spots of blood that started to form when my fist touched the wall one last time, and satisfied, I pulled back.
I can't take it anymore.
I dragged myself over to the mirror, and in the dull light, I saw myself for the first time in ages. I couldn't say I was satisfied with what I saw, or that it was worth watching at all. I looked like a ragged doll...a dull, expressionless porcelain doll. My messy hair, so greasy and so devoid of their shine, hung tangled around my face; my clothes were rough, torn in some places after all the cuts I'd inflicted on my body. My eyes were the worst...so hollow, and instead of their usual ruby color they were blood-shot red. I looked lifeless. I had begun to feel lifeless too… the only reminder that I was still living was the pain that endlessly haunted me, it was the only thing, which made me believe that I still existed and had not died along with Kai.
My hands unconsciously rolled up into fists again, ready to strike, as I realized that my anger hadn't yet left me. And that's what I did. With yet another blow that left my hand bleeding more, and my anger peaking instead of relaxing, I heard an ear-piercing sound as the glass shattered in front of me, the countless pieces falling down to the ground. I didn't care if someone heard the sound… I was too enraged, much too pained to care.
For a while, I watched the glasses scattered all around me like that; I was gasping for air...all of this was so tiring... I walked over to my bed and slid down to the floor against it. I picked up the blade I'd unconsciously dropped and raised it up to my arm. Not even bothering to roll my sleeves, I made a slashing movement and in a second, there was blood glinting like ice on the blade's surface.
I never felt anything, anymore. No pain, no control, no relief, no relaxing, no happiness...Just nothing but this overpowering rage. I wasn't even sure of whom I was mad at, anymore… At him, for leaving me? Or at myself for not being able to stop him? Or for just being so vulnerable and not being to get over?
It's time.
Angrily, I got up and slammed my arm against the wall...then I kicked it, once, twice...thrice.
I missed him, I had missed him a lot. I had tried holding on to his every memory, every word, every smile...and at first, it felt the right thing to do. At first, when I thought about him, it made me feel so safe...it made me closer to him. At first, I thought I couldn't just let him go...let the memories go. But these memories were slowly and painfully killing me…because even though memories last forever, I knew there was some point, where they'd stop meaning so much to me. Because really, I could hold on to everything…but I knew that just thinking about him...It never did seem to bring him back, now did it? Thinking about him was something I felt the need to do...sort of like a defense mechanism. Like how, when Max is scared, he eats. Like how, when my brother is nervous, he chews his nails off. I was scared, so very scared...it made me feel guilty, and so sad. I'd adopted the habit of thinking about him, to make things a little easier for me, to give myself something better to do.
But I was so much late to realize that he was my guilty pleasure. Such an over-used term, but he was like Max's over-eating, or my brother's nail-biting habit...in the end of it all, it never helped. And right now, thinking about him was making my life so much more difficult to bear...
I need...
Pain...pain would be so much more better, naked and raw and rough pain would be so much better than feeling this...this rage...anger was something I couldn't control. Control was something I desperately yearned for...anger wasn't what I wanted, what I needed. What I wanted and needed was to be with him. Nothing else mattered anymore…
Tonight.
And the worst of all was that this anger was directed towards no-one but him...To him...and only him...Kai...His last words lingered everyday in my thoughts, haunted me all those rare nights that I found myself asleep.
"I'll be back."...
He didn't...He couldn't...
"Wait for me."...
I waited...for so long, for so freaking long...
"I love you, Hillary."
Love was strange, wasn't it? Like a scar; you get hit and it's marked there forever, etched onto the unlikeliest of all places, unlikeliest of all times...
But this anger was out of my control. I watched him die...I had watched him die...In front of my very eyes, and I couldn't do anything...He couldn't do anything. All he ever thought was about himself. He was so selfish. He wasted his time trying to do things that didn't matter. He never really thought of anyone else, now did he? The only pain he ever saw was his own. He had wanted to prove himself, no matter to whom, and he'd died trying.
The rage was so overpowering, it barely left anything else for me to feel. I slammed the door open, and ran downstairs...outside, it was cold. It pierced my skin like ice, prickling with a little more intensity at my latest wounds...wounds I hadn't bothered hiding.
I ran bare feet, across the garden, along the street, underneath the moonlight. I ran, as if someone was chasing after me, ignoring the people I passed, ignoring their stares. I just kept running and running, blisters already forming on my naked feet as they collided with the small stones on the path I ran along. I didn't even stop for a breath, to even give a second thought to what I was intending to do… my decision was final…
This was all his fault.
When I reached my destination, I was glad there was no-one here. No-one would be here, when it was almost midnight. It was way too dangerous. The waves were picking up, relaxing and then picking up again...almost as if warning me...as if taunting me...
I smiled...
End Of Flashback:
The memories had been playing in her mind like a film on a projector. Reminiscing about all that had happened, made her wounds feel fresh and new. It made her feel even worse; she felt as if she was choking.
'What would he say?' The voice echoed in her head again. But it was slow this time; slow and so unreal that it was fading; and she smiled...she was winning.
"Sometimes," She whispered to herself the words that had made her consider this final act. "It's the only way."
Her pale lips curled up into what looked like half a smile and she closed her eyes.
"No matter how much you want otherwise."
It didn't matter. She didn't care that everyone would be hurt by her actions or would think of her as weak, even he would think of her as weak... but it didn't matter. Why should she care what he'd think when he didn't care for her? Why should she care for them being hurt when he, too, had left them hurt and broken? It just felt unnatural to care...a little stupid and somewhat uncanny, almost. She just wanted for everything to end now...
Suddenly, she felt as if she heard a voice in her mind. She gasped in response.
"You're wasting your life," It growled; the sound was the same as she remembered it to be.
Hillary thought against it, "You wasted your life too."
"I'm not a good role model now, am I?" Kai's voice spoke in her mind and it sounded smug.
Hillary smiled to herself a little. Thinking about his voice now seemed like a very strange thing to do. For the first time, she actually considered the fact that maybe she really was loosing it. Hearing the dead...he'd have chuckled at the thought.
"But you were everything to me," She replied, misery overcoming her...so many things she'd left unsaid. She shook her head, as if to rid herself of the emotions.
"You did what you wanted and now it's my turn.."
The bitterness in her thoughts made her feel stupid. She was arguing with herself...and she was feeling this resentment as she did so.
The voice didn't reply and she refused to give it more thought... Her mind had played enough tricks on her, and it had failed...there was no turning back now.
"Kai," She whispered, willing to think of him one last time. She thought of his smile, the way he bossed everyone around, the way he spoke, the way he walked. "You were so stupid."
She edged closer to the end of the cliff, holding her breath and letting it out.
"Stupid...and you were wrong." She opened her eyes to stare at the rapidly flowing liquid down below, as if he was there, as if he was listening. "You told me to wait. You said you'd be back."
Nothing, she knew, could change her mind now. She was surprised at how sure and calm she sounded about that realization, so surprised that she took a few seconds to marvel over it.
"You've got explaining to do," She smiled more widely than she had in what felt like ages, "Kai."
The wind howled once again, pushing against her so small form and only then did she realize how cold it actually was. It didn't make her hesitate, or rethink her decision though. Did it really matter that the wind felt like ice against her bleeding wounds? Did it really matter that the clothes, ripped at places, spotted with her blood, barely concealed her petite figure? This was going to end now, anyway.
"I loved you too, Kai." She felt the small twinge in her heart again, it left her numb, and suddenly she found herself feeling somewhat scared. "Wish you knew. Wish it wasn't too late."
And then, the pain was too much to take and as if instinctively, she did what she thought would be an easy escape; she jumped. There was no splash; the sound being overcome by the crashing of the waves on the edge of the cliff on top of which she'd been standing. The waves had been quite violent throughout the night as if trying to tell her to stop, trying to make her grasp that what she intended to was wrong; unearthly; they seemed to be trying to warn her. But as soon as her diminutive figure collided with the water and sunk into the depths of the ocean, the waves immediately grew silent, the wind stopped howling and all was calm and serene. No one could have apprehended what a tragedy had gone on here. The silence was eerie and ethereal as if nature itself was mourning over what had happened; as if, it too was wishing that things should not have gone on as they had. But what was done was done; nothing and no one could change the past.
Hilary, as she felt herself fade into oblivion, finally felt free. She felt as if all her anguish and despair was slowly but painfully disappearing. Although, the pain felt more excruciating, but slowly, she faded away… content and somewhat happy. And in her entire life, if she'd regretted anything, it sure wasn't ending it...once and for all.
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Hey, everyone! I'm done...God, that was a long (sad and sappy) ride...This is my FIRST story that's been completed yet...so proud of it...
And (kaihil lover), thanks for joining this miserable ride with me...I couldn't have done it without you, dude. Love you.