just one video

by ethereallovee

Keith Kogane was, according to the doctors, very depressed and suffering immensely from the childhood traumas of his life. After some begging from his best friend, he agrees to be admitted to a lovely safe haven called Allura's, where they claim they can cure him. It was here that he meets a very energetic and friendly boy online, and he once again begins to see colors. / Klance AU

4. euphoria

Pidgeon has joined your room!

Pigeon 8:05 am

squats down to your height

Pidgeon 8:05 am

u good?

Me 8:07 am

Okay, first of all.

Me 8:07 am

You literally can't squat down to my height. You're 4'8 and I'm 5'7.

Me 8:07 am

Second.

Me 8:07 am

It's really early. Why would something already be wrong?

Pidgeon 8:09 am

wow here i am being a GOOD FRIEND

Me 8:09 am

You're the best friend I could ask for.

Me 8:09 am

Doesn't mean you don't worry too much.

Pidgeon 8:09 am

:/ it's part of the deal keith

Me 8:09 am

:/ Well I'm fine. Slept pretty good last night, actually.

Pidgeon 8:09 am

! what time did you fall asleep?

Me 8:09 am

I think it was around one in the morning.

Pidgeon 8:11 am

dude that's so much earlier than usual! you must've been pretty happy last night huh

Me 8:11 am

I guess I was. I was hanging out with a friend.

Pidgeon 8:11 am

you made a pal!

Me 8:11 am

Yeah. He's pretty cool. We met on Rabbit.

Pidgeon 8:12 am

I want all the crazy gossip after my classes okay

Pidgeon 8:12 am

I have to take notes but ily and i'm super proud of you

Me 8:12 am

Thanks, Pidge. I love you too! Focus on your notes.

Pidgeon 8:12 am

[announcer voice] iIIIITS TiME TO sUFFER

Pidgeon has left your room.

With a small smile, I slowly shut my laptop. It was only twelve minutes until everyone was called down to breakfast, which wasn't enough time to watch a decent amount of videos. Plus, I think I watched half of GMMs videos last night with Lance.

We had originally planned on only watching one, but I wasn't tired at all and he was determined to stay up until I was ready to go to bed. Eventually I decided to give it a shot because he mentioned having classes in the morning, and I ended up sleeping a lot better than I have in awhile. I guess falling asleep with a smile on your face and conversations replaying in your head is a good way to do it.

Eight tonight. He reminded me over and over during the videos that I had to be on at eight pm tonight, otherwise I'd be spammed with messages and invitations that he knew I'd see because I let it slip my laptop is almost always open. And that I have the Rabbit app, which means I'll get the notifications either way.

He reminded me with that sweet and smooth voice of his. It took about an hour of talking before he seemed more confident, and when he was, he was all over the place. Commenting on the video, asking me questions, making comments about me that were borderline too friendly, and so on. I would reply as much as I could, but I really liked listening to him. He had no idea, but I drifted off a bit when he started rambling about something in the video, his voice a lot more calming than I was used to.

I smiled to myself a bit more, brushing my thumb across my phone screen that sat idly on my lap. I wonder if he was actually thinking about it yet. I know he's up by now, since he has college courses too, but that didn't mean he was already thinking about me. I had a valid reason for already thinking about it. It was the first 'event' I've agreed to since I enrolled in college. It was a plan. The doctor is going to cry tears of joy if she finds out.

After a small stretch and a long, breathy yawn, I threw my legs over my bed and let them hang off as my head became more and more wrapped in my own thoughts. Thoughts about Lance, mostly. Because I like him a lot more than I should. He was a total stranger. I only knew his name, the fact he's a guy, and the fact he's in college. I didn't know him last name or his major or anything personal.

But it already felt like something different.

I rubbed my eyes, the lingering feeling of exhaustion in the back of my mind and very prominent on my face. I was, unfortunately, the kind of guy who has bags under his eyes and almost deathly pale skin. I had some Korean features, but nothing that made me stand out. It's more that I've heard that I have Korean features. Which makes sense, since my birth mother was Korean. My dad was a pure blooded Texan. It was an interesting mix.

I wouldn't consider myself to be strongly linked to my heritage, though. It's a part of my Tragic Anime Backstory. I never had the opportunity to meet my mother, so I had no reason to really learn or use the customs and traditions like my older brother did.

Shiro, the aforementioned brother, had two very loving Japanese parents. They had moved here from Japan when he was born. He didn't speak fluent Japanese, nor did he really act like the stereotypical Japanese adult, but he at least had parents who exposed him to the ideas and beliefs of the Japanese culture. I never had any of that. Not until I moved in with him, anyway.

I was a kid who jumped from foster home to foster home, either too quiet or too troublesome to keep around for too long. I don't think anyone understood just how much it hurt for me to wake up and find that my father had left. I was alone in my house for a good week before I got too hungry and told one of my neighbors that my father hadn't come back. Child services was there within a few hours, and everything I had once called a home was gone forever.

I've seen the inside of a lot of houses, but it never seemed to get much farther than that. The more they returned me, the more reclusive I became and the more trouble I caused at school. I was almost put into a 'special' section of the 'adoption' home I stayed at. The place kids who would most likely never be adopted were put. Like wounded animals or something.

But then Shiro and his parents came along.

I had only been around eight then, but I remember the day clearly. It was the same day that the orphanage tried to discreetly get me signed up under the autism spectrum to get extra state funds. Said I'd be useful. I didn't really understand at the time.

When they walked in and were shown images of children with their Tragic Backstory or medical problems, they claimed they weren't here to windowshop for a child. They wanted to meet a child who matched their lifestyle and would be happy with the way they lived. They were scheduling a time to drop by when the kids were in classes when Shiro saw me poking my head around the corner. I wasn't supposed to be out of my room yet, but I was never a kid who listened.

He hadn't pointed at me or asked who I was. He hadn't shook his mother's' arm and whispered mom I want that one as a brother like the rest of them. We stared at each other for a moment before he smiled the kindest smile I had ever seen. And I, despite being terrified that the lady at the desk would notice Shiro staring off and smiling towards the back of the building, smiled back.

From there it just seemed to escalate. When they dropped by to see the children during classes that following Monday, Shiro had come over and introduced himself. He had to of been around fourteen years old - but that didn't stop him from talking to me like an old friend. He asked how I was doing and if I wanted some of the lunchable he brought with him. I told him I'm doing okay and that I didn't know what a lunchable was.

The adoption process didn't happen for a few weeks, but Shiro started to stop by the school and visit every day before I had to return to the home. He'd take me to different fast food places or to the library to read (which is where I found my love of conspiracy books and theories) and told me to keep fighting through my problems because he believed in me. I hadn't realized how strongly I needed to hear those words as a kid.

I guess word slipped out that he and I had been hanging out, because his parents asked to specifically meet me one afternoon. I hadn't seen them since they stopped by that one Monday morning, but I knew them well. Shiro talked about his family a lot, almost as if I were a part of it. I guess he talked about me to his parents, too. They were some of the most patient and friendly people I had ever talked to. They asked me if I wanted to be adopted, which I thought was a silly question because who didn't want to be adopted? But the answer struggled to leave my tongue for a good five minutes. I hadn't known at the time, but that was just because I was scared they'd return me like some sick kitten too.

I lived with them until the day I moved into my college dorm. They never gave up on me, even when I got into some serious trouble at my middle school (to the point I had to switch schools and Shiro had to wake up twenty minutes early to drive me down to the new one), nor did they treat me like I was anything but their son. In their eyes I was simply family. I wasn't some kid they adopted. I was as important as Shiro. And it felt amazing.

Which is one of the many reasons I don't understand this stupid Mood I've thrown myself in. Yeah, I was a sad kid during my elementary years, but I grew up with a pretty happy life. I had great parents and a great older brother, and I had met Pidge at the new school the first day. That's a story for another time, though.

So why? Why was it so hard for me to drag my feet onto the floor this morning? I was still dangling them off the bed, lost in thought and entangled in memories. I hadn't been through what a lot of people here have. I had a family who visited often and a friend who loved me more than I deserved. What was tearing me down so much? The doctor insisted that it's something buried deep down, and that I should see a therapist to try and unlock my inner torment and come to peace with it. Allura was an amazing person, she really was, but she was still so determined to stick to the idea that she knew my head better than I did.

Not that anyone has literally ever asked me, but I had come to the anticlimactic conclusion that I was simply a sad kid. No backstory or specific series of events led to my 'crippling depression'. I was simply unhappy. Everyone was so determined to pinpoint a reason so we can all tackle it together and I can be happy again. There wasn't anything wrong. I was just sad sometimes. It wasn't worth all of the attention that it's been getting, but ignoring everyone is only going to make me feel worse.

With a small, tired sigh, I slowly pushed myself out of bed, my feet searching aimlessly for the cold floor.

Just get up, get breakfast, and come back to the bed. No big deal. It'll take less than ten minutes if you play your cards right. You don't even have to get out of your pajamas.

I stared blankly at the door, my legs suddenly feeling non existent.

It's just breakfast.

I curled my toes to try and regain feeling, flinching when they cracked a bit.

Just ten minutes.

I let my feet fall onto the floor, heaving another heavy sigh as I dropped myself off of the bed. I had felt a huge surge of energy last night when I was searching for my headphones, but this morning? Nothing. It felt like a workout to drag myself over to the door, but I did it anyway, my mind wandering as my legs led me to the cafeteria from sheer memory alone.

The halls in this place weren't huge and empty like they were in a hospital. They colors were all very autumn-themed, with brown carpet and dark orange walls. The ceiling was littered small light fixtures that had been created by different patients. Some were origami-shaped and some were painted glass, but they all had the same color palette. Hanging neatly along the walls were photos upon photos of different patients, letters, and motivational quotes that seemed a bit redundant.

The carpet was getting warndown and thin, the walls were losing their shine, and some of the lights had burnt out, but it was still a cozy walk from my room to the cafeteria nonetheless. Thankfully, it was a short walk, too. Down this hall, take a right, and through the first door on the left. If you kept walking down the hall after taking a right, you'd be heading straight for the exit. I never got to go further than the cafeteria.

The place was huge, but easy to navigate; down the hall and to the right were the basic rooms. Check-in, the cafeteria, the exit, etc. No one really had a reason to go down that way unless they were allowed to leave on their own or they were getting ready to eat. The more commonly visited area would be going down the hall and taking a left. That's where all of the 'fun' rooms were. The game room, therapists, panic room, gym, etc. Any hobby you could think of, there was probably a small area dedicated to it. Any problem you could think of and they had a room full of ways to cope. Anxiety? There's a room full of small kittens that belonged to Allura, just begging to be played with. Depression? There's a room full of upbeat songs and peppy quotes. It was a nice gesture, but pretty much useless.

Going straight down the hall led to even more rooms. There were hundreds of rooms here, and Allura knew each patient by name, as well as their condition and what their preferences for everything. I felt overwhelmed just remembering the people who lived next to me, let alone every single person here. She may have been a bit overbearing, but I admired her determination and love of her job a lot.

I may not know all of the people here, but I know the place like the back of my hand. Problem is, I could tell you where every single room was but I haven't been in more than half of them. I tried the room they dedicated for anxiety, and I spent a lot of time there. Even if I wasn't feeling anxious. I just really like the cats. And it made me feel calm, even when I wasn't incredibly stressed out.

I rounded the corner, grimacing at the crowded cafeteria that sat on the other side of the door. Just go up to the buffet line, grab whatever you can possibly eat, then go back. You don't have to do anything else. The sooner you get your breakfast, the sooner you can leave.

I took a small breath, my hand shaking against the door handle. How mad would Allura be if I decided to skip breakfast today? Just as my hand was slowly pulling off of the handle, I heard a faint tsk of impatience from behind me.

"C'mon, Kogane, I don't have all day." A quiet voice sighed, one that was slightly recognizable. I rose an eyebrow, glancing over my shoulder. Oh, that's who it was. I know this one. Maticia McClain, one of the only females here who hasn't tried to hit on me. That might sound conceited, but everyone here was very wordy and it got awkward really quick when they found out I was gay and not in the mood. It was nice to find out she was a lesbian.

She was a cute girl, though, I could admit that. She was clearly from somewhere way more interesting than America (Mexico? Cuba? I couldn't tell and I didn't want to be rude by asking) and was probably around Pidge's height, if not a bit shorter. She also had glasses (thankfully not nearly as round as Pidge's) and was surprisingly older than me, too. I think she was almost twenty? The most noticeable thing though, was that her smile was very infectious. She just didn't smile a ton. She wasn't in here because she was depressed or anything. She claimed she had an awesome life with people that she adored, and she was here simply because her girlfriend had begged her to after some issues regarding her self-worth. We were kind of on the same boat, so we got along okay.

"It's only nine in the morning, Maticia. Where could you possibly have to be after this?" I asked, leaning against the door-frame so that my body blocked the handle. She sent me a tired look, a sketchpad tucked under one of her arms.

"My girlfriend is coming to visit today and I want to grab some of the pie before they're gone. She's never tried apple pie before, can you believe that?" She didn't seem to be expecting an answer. She just shifted a bit in her position, glancing from the covered doorknob and back to me, her long hair sliding down her shoulders in a way that my hair could never be able to compete with it.

I rolled my eyes, stepping out of the way to let her open the door. She did so without hesitation, and I walked with her towards the line of the buffet, which wasn't nearly as long as I had feared. She glanced over her shoulder at me, biting her little round cheek. "How are you doing?"

Despite knowing her good intentions, I scoffed under my breath. "Same as usual."

"I get it. Not your favorite question." She held her hand up in mock defense, proceeding to grab a plate from the tray nearby. I copied her action, looking down at her curiously as she eyed the excessive amount of food presented to us excitedly.

"What, you don't mind constantly being asked if you're okay?"

She glanced up at me, barely moving her head. "Depends on who's asking, I guess. It's nice to have my girlfriend or my siblings ask how I'm doing whenever they visit, you know? Let's me know they didn't just drop me off here because I'm a burden or something."

"Pretty sure my brother and my friend would kill me if I ever assumed I was a burden." I mumbled, turning my attention to the small tray of eggs and bacon that sat in front of my plate. Not happening today. After looking through the rest of the food that was offered, I ended up grabbing an apple and a piece of toast. Maticia looked shocked.

"That's it? Aren't you hungry?" She asked, and I pointed at her own plate in response, where two small pieces of apple pie sat. She waved it towards me a bit. "This is just a snack. She's bringing over McDonalds for breakfast. I'm not gonna tell you to eat more-"

"Good."

"-but don't go blowing your time here. There's some good food, dude. You're gonna waste it." She sent me a playful smirk, followed by a tiny wave as she made her way back to the door where a taller girl with half-shaved hair and a worried expression stood. She only looked worried when the plate of pie was handed to her, though. She must be the apple pie girlfriend.

The cafeteria was slowly dying down as more people began to sneak back into their rooms. The silence was always welcomed, but sometimes it felt kind of lonely. Especially when the person you were talking to left to talk to the person they loved. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad Maticia was able to talk to someone who made her happy, but the idea filled me with jealousy more than anything. Not because I wanted to hang out with her or whatever, it was more just that I still wanted to find my own person, but the idea was becoming more and more abstract the more I went on. It was a lonely feeling, but one I was used to.

Last night, though, I hadn't felt that lonely. I was up at a pretty average time for a teenager, joking around and laughing as the voice of someone new and interesting filled the bleak air around me. Lance. He was definitely something different, that's for sure. He had sent me a message at six in the morning asking if I was still up for watching something tonight, and told me he'd get on Rabbit whenever he had a free period. Did I reply? I might have been too caught off guard to reply- but by the time I saw it he was offline anyway. I bit my lip, the small plate of food in my hand and my phone now sitting in the other. It was nine thirty, there's a chance he could be on.

I unlocked my screen as casually as I could, scrolling through the only four contacts on my Rabbit account. Shiro, Pidge, Lance, and Shiro's boyfriend (and Pidge's older brother) Matt. Why was he even in my contacts? Sure, he was a good guy and all, but we don't have a ton of conversations without the others butting in. I suppose I could call him a friend, but that seems like a stretch. Regardless, I kept him in my contacts. Never know who might want to message you.

Without looking up from my phone, I made my way over to the door. Was it weird for me to be hoping he'd be online? I barely knew him. I didn't know his actual age or his middle or last name or anything about him or his family - he was still a stranger, if you look at it realistically. And yet, he was so determined to already call me his friend. Was that just a part of his personality? Or was he just trying to mooch off of my YouTube Red account? Despite the latter being more likely, I had trouble believing that that was something Lance would do. As if I actually know him and his intentions.

I sighed, pushing through the door and letting my legs drag me back to my room. I didn't see anyone online, but I kept the app open nonetheless.

I saw Maticia and her girlfriend standing near the entrance of the cafeteria, clearly lost in a conversation that I was assuming had to do with the pie, because her girlfriend was looking at it in disdain.

"See you later, Keef." Maticia threw a peace sign in my direction, earning a cringe from both me and her girlfriend in return. I eyed her for a moment and then glanced at her girlfriend, who was smiling politely at me. I could see her bouncing a bit in her place, clearly excited to take off with her girlfriend. I smiled back at the two of them, waving my hand with the phone as politely as I could.

"See ya." I replied, nodding towards them as I took off in the opposite direction as they did. When would I have someone to leave this place with? Someone to date? When would I be able to head out towards the exit without asking Allura first? Why was it even a problem? I haven't done anything yet. Sure, just because there's a small chance I probably would walk through incoming traffic and simply hope for the best, but it's really not that big of a deal. I'd never do anything on purpose, why treat me like a dangerous or hunted animal?

The sudden buzz of my phone almost made me drop my plate in surprise. I double-tapped the screen, raising an eyebrow in surprise. I'm not sure what I expected, but seeing a notification from Rabbit wasn't it. Maybe it was what I had been hoping, but it wasn't what I was used to. Especially not at this time of day, since this is when Shiro and Matt are busy at work and Pidge is frantically taking notes. I unlocked my phone to drag the notification bar down.

[ space boi 9:45 am

KeeEEEEITH! hi ]

That's right. I have a fourth contact now. One that isn't as busy as the rest for whatever reason. One that liked to bug me a lot even after only knowing me for two days. One that I had kind of been hoping for a message from. Despite how much I hated it, I could feel myself smiling against my own will. I'm just grateful everyone left the cafeteria before me, otherwise I know I'd get tons of questioning looks or snarky comments. 'Whoa, guys, pull out your phones and take a picture of this. Keith Kogane is - wait for it - smiling!'

Wouldn't be the first time. And it most likely wouldn't be the last.

The people here were nice, but they were cooped up in here for awhile too. They've grown accustomed to the idea that we're all one big family who can take a joke and mess around with each other. That may work out great for them, but it drives me insane. I don't want to know these people. Not because they make me uncomfortable, but because I know my problems will seem so small and unimportant compared to theirs. I wasn't depressed because of my life. I was just depressed. One person here lost their entire family in a car crash. I had an amazing foster family. One person was almost killed by their best friend. I have the best friend a person could ask for.

In short, I feel really ungrateful for the life I have. Sometimes I just-

[space boi 9:49 am

kEEEITH i only have ten minutes left of this class before i gotta go cmon /3]

Thoughts that had just been degrading and hurtful were now starting to disperse, being replaced by a slight eye-roll and a smirk. I did my best to type out my reply with one hand, even though my room was only one more door down. Technically, it would have been easier to wait until I was comfortable in my room again, but I wanted to humor him. I opened the app.

[PM]

Me 9:49 am

Sorry about that. I was getting some breakfast.

space boi 9:49 am

no worries! breakfast is far more important. what are you having?

Me 9:49 am

Nothing special. Just an apple and a piece of toast.

Me 9:49 am

Also, I wouldn't say breakfast is far more important. I mean, yeah, it's important, but you are too.

Me 9:49 am

That sounded a lot gayer than I meant it to.

I felt my cheeks flush as I looked away from my phone, wishing more than anything he wasn't already typing so that I could delete my last two messages and not make myself seem like some desperate kid trying to kiss up to his new friends. I balanced my phone between my shoulder and my jaw, fumbling for the key to my room as my phone continued to buzz with notifications.

space boi 9:49 am

sTOP

space boi 9:49 am

dont try to distract me w/ your cuteness man

space boi 9:49 am

i cant just overlook what you told me.

space boi 9:49 am

youre only having AN APPLE and a (a, as in singular?) SLICE OF TOAST

space boi 9:50 am

come on kogayne you deserve better than that at least make two slices of toast?

space boi 9:50 am

who just puts one slice of bread in the toaster anyway

It didn't take me long to slip into my room and get comfortable on my bed. All I had to do was kick off my sneakers (which go horribly when my red pajama pants, I've been told) and jump underneath the covers. The lights were off, the blinds were closed, and there wasn't any noise aside from my phone buzzing and my tired breathing. It even looked like a room a sad kid would have. I could at least try not to be stereotypical. Cut my hair. Open up the curtains to let some natural light in here.

I decided to stay in bed, opening the app instead.

Me 9:52 am

It's all I had the appetite for.

Me 9:52 am

And technically I didn't make it.

space boi 9:52 am

thats not acceptable my friend i'll make you an awesome breakfast one day

space boi 9:52 am

or hunk will since he can cook better than anyone i've ever met

space boi 9:52 am

also you didnt make it? is someone else feeding my ANGEL nothing more than a single slice of toasted bread?

Me 9:52 am

Don't call me that.

Me 9:52 am

And not intentionally. I just grabbed what was at the buffet table thing.

space boi 9:53 am

oooh are you at a hotel or something

Me 9:53 am

Yeah, something like that.

space boi 9:53 am

hmmmmm

space boi 9:53 am

i'll learn more about you eventually kogayne

Me 9:53 am

I look forward to it.

space boi 9:53 am

well now i'm even more encouraged to get to know you 33

space boi 9:53 am

guess i'll start tonight at 8~

Me 9:53 am

Oh, did you have something planned?

space boi 9:53 am

oh hahHAHahHA. nice try keithy i'm not gonna leave you alone about tonight until 8:01 when we're both hanging out watching youtube

Me 9:54 am

Ah, so we'll be meeting at exactly eight? What if I'm a few minutes late?

space boi 9:54 am

my angel wouldnt do that to me

Me 9:54 am

Enough with the nickname

space boi 9:55 am

does it genuinely bother you :(

Me 9:55 am

Oh

Me 9:55 am

Not really, I guess? It's more of a reflex than anything. I'm not uncomfortable.

space boi 9:55 am

ok good! just let me know if it's ever too much. sometimes i forget that not everyone is as wordy as I am lol

It almost made me want to be a wordy person. The angel nickname, despite how dorky it was, still made my stomach flip a bit. Was that a good thing? It wasn't something I hadn't felt before, I knew that. I found myself smiling as I bit into my apple, rereading the nickname a few times before preparing to type again.

Me 9:55 am

I guess it doesn't bother me as much as I make it sound. It's more that I'm surprised by it. Affection of any kind - verbal or physical, intimate or platonic - isn't something I'm used to.

space boi 9:56 am

:( that makes my heart sad kogayne

space boi 9:56 am

you seem like the kind of guy who deserves that feeling every once in awhile

Me 9:56 am

What feeling?

space boi 9:56 am

just that happy bubbly feeling you get when someone calls you by a special nickname or pulls you into a tight hug of warmth and happiness

space boi 9:56 am

like when i call you angel 33

Me 9:56 am

Can't say I relate.

Unless he was talking about the flips and butterflies swarming in my stomach every single time he used the nickname. That couldn't possibly be it, right? I have a feeling it is.

space boi 9:56 am

hopefully i can fix that someday ;)

Me 9:56 am

I wouldn't mind.

space boi 9:56 am

no?

Me 9:56 am

No.

Me 9:56 am

Good luck trying to do it, though.

Me 9:56 am

It's pretty hard to get me to feel anything.

space boi 9:57 am

i like a good challenge.

Was it dumb of me to feel so flustered? My heart was beating way too fast for being in a conversation with a new friend. But… This wasn't exactly a friendly conversation, either. A part of me felt like he didn't mean any of that in a platonic way, even if it was probably just wishful thinking. He's really something else. I wonder how long he'll want to talk to me.

space boi 9:59 am

i genuinely hate to cut off the conversation but i have MY leAST FAVORITE class ever and if i dont pay attention im most definitely going to fail

space boi 9:59 am

wish me luck

Me 9:59 am

I'm sure you don't need it.

space boi 10:05 am

great thanks to you i tripped into class and stumbled all the way to my seat

space boi 10:05 am

i literally cant message again the teacher has his back turned so i thought id let you know the chaos you caused with your sweetness

Me 10:05 am

Glad I could contribute to your day.

My hand shook a bit as I placed my phone back down onto the bed, and I couldn't tell if it was from nerves or the sudden chill I felt shoot down my spine. Okay, okay. Don't go stressing out or making this feeling seem like a bigger deal than it actually is. We were just messing around. He doesn't really wanna make you feel all happy and bubbly with affection and nicknames - he was just being playful and friendly. He was a pretty over-the-top kind of guy from what I've seen, there's nothing more to it than excessive friendliness and maybe a bit of something more as a joke.

I've never felt my stomach do this before. Great. This loser with the username space boi is making me question just how far my feelings can actually go. A boy named Lance that I didn't even have a face to put behind. Just a soft, energetic voice that I could hear clearly with everything he sent after only one call. Would there be more? Would he want to talk in a call again? I bit my lip, staring down at my phone. The conversation was still up, and my thumbs seemed to be moving without me realizing it.

Me 10:18 am

Do you plan on using your mic again tonight?

I shut my phone screen off, placing it on the nightstand beside my bed so I could instead have Rabbit up on my larger laptop screen. I have no idea when anyone will be online, but I could at least watch stuff for a bit now. This is what I'm used to things being like. No confusing emotions or sweet boys in my head. Just watching stuff until one of my contacts are online and willing to talk about their day before asking me tentatively about mine, despite me begging them not to ask how I'm doing. I don't hold anything against them for it, I guess I would probably do the same. It just got really old after awhile. I'm still here. How do they think I'm doing?

I guess that's one of the reasons I'm so drawn to talking to Lance. Right now, he has no idea that I'm in a place like this. He doesn't know that I have trouble getting out of bed or that I can't eat more than an apple and a piece of toast without getting sick or upset. He has no idea that my life has been a series of train-wrecks and being in a place like this is the most consistent thing I've ever had in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my foster family, but things still weren't official. I'm an adult now, but due to my 'condition' it was a bit harder to get through the adoption process. It could be a few years before the home I was put in considers me a legal member of Shiro's family, even if we took it to court a few years back and they declared that I could be considered a legitimate member of the household since they meet all the criteria and whatever.

My life was inconsistent and constantly throwing stuff at me. But he had no idea that I was struggling, and it was such a nice change of attitude. Sure, Pidge didn't treat me much differently because of everything I was dealing with, but they definitely made sure to hold back a lot more insults and comments than they used to. I missed stuff like that. But I know they're just trying to help and they're scared to see me pushed over the edge again. Having someone treat me in a way that's specifically for me and not for my illness felt like a release. I can say whatever I want without someone over-analyzing it.

I know I'm thinking about him far more than I should, and that he's probably thinking of something completely different right now, but I don't think I can deny that whatever I'm feeling towards him is different than I'm used to. I like having him in my thoughts.

I groaned, lacing my fingers in my hair and pulling on it a bit in frustration. I don't even know anything about him! Why do I do this to myself? Why? We met online. I have no idea where he lives, if he's close, and if I'd ever genuinely be able to see him in person. Heck, I don't even know if we'll talk again after tonight. I can't predict how this is going to play out. Typical. Everything I grow fond of slowly twists into an unpredictable and horrifying turn of events. I'm always building stuff up only to watch it plummet. All those foster families, the new homes, the new friends at new schools, and now this. I thought I was over psyching myself up. I thought I was finally over making myself excited about something like this.

But I don't feel like I'm building all of this up for a disappointing result. Because the more I think of getting on Rabbit tonight-

[ space boi 10:22 am
of course i'll use my mic again angel 33]

-, the more excited I am for the day to go on. And that alone is a new and terrifying feeling.

---

Poor Keith hates feelings. I hate that this website doesn't allow all of the necessary characters to make an actual emoji heart. That's what the 33 or 3 are supposed to be. Just. It's just the less than symbol? It's not that crazy of a thing to include in your website,,

Anything in [brackets] are just on his lockscreen! :DD and I love the freedom writers have when writing Lance's family. I can just be like 'yeah, he'd have a pretty cool older sister I bet' and it would fit the story just enough. I love writing his sister. Too bad she isn't in it much.

Anyways. Enjoy!