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Chapter 4 My Breakdown
I tried to calm myself down, before stepping out of my room. No one was out there. I checked about a hundred times. I'm just being paranoid because Bella told me not see Jasper again, but it wasn't an order was it? It was in my best interest to believe it wasn't.
Yet I know that Alphas aren't the type to make friendly suggestions, they were rulers, and their word was the law. I should know I grew up with one. So, me ignoring Bella's word was me breaking the law, her law and that's why I'm feeling guilty and afraid. I'm out of line. This is a mistake, even worse it's a mistake I'm making aware of my actions and what might come because of them.
I considered walking back into my father's study to tell him everything, so I could give him concrete proof that he picked the wrong person for the job! I couldn't be a double agent even if I wanted to and I couldn't manipulate anyone! Let alone an Alpha. I couldn't even convince myself that no one was out there! If I did that thought I'll miss my chance to say goodbye to Jasper and I'll be putting him in grave danger. Who knows what my father might do to him once I leave with Bella? Or worse what if he hands him over to her? I had no idea what she would do.
Bella was a blank page to me. A complete mystery, I couldn't tell what she was thinking, what she was feeling, what she wanted and I don't know if I liked that or not. I was caught in between liking the fact that I had no idea about her, because that way I could still keep thinking of her as a stranger that I didn't have to concern myself with. On the other hand, I didn't know how lenient she was, how she would react if I did something to disobey her, would she be quick to punish me? Or worse how will she treat me after we leave this place? Sure she is being pleasant up until now, but that could change after we join her pack. Here she has to answer to my father and is alone surrounded by a hostile pack. There she is running the place.
Sadly now is not the time to think about her, if I do that then I might chicken out and just go back to her. So I put all thought of her in a dark corner inside my head for now, I had other issues more urgent to attend to.
Anyway if there was someone out there they'd make themselves known by now, and they'd drag both of us to the Alpha to punish us. Our community wasn't one to keep secrets from its leader. My father has given many examples in the past of what happens to those who don't share information as he would it.
Why would someone keep this secret? They had nothing to gain by being silent, on the other hand telling on me would, if only temporary, grant them their Alpha's favor. I doubt that even one of my closer friends would keep silent, if they saw. I wanted to believe they would, but in their place I wouldn't either. The fear of knowing or someone else founding out that you knew and didn't speak up was a really big one. It hadn't happen to me before, by I happened to see one wolf go through it, he was so paranoid he ended up killing himself by accident. At least that's just the public story, for all I know he could have been murdered.
I took one last calming breath trying to banish the dark thoughts from my mind, stepped out of my room and started tiptoeing my way to the stairwell only to stop and give myself a mental slap. Way to be inconspicuous Alice! I don't have to be quiet or tiptoe! I'm simply leaving the house to return to the cabin and to Bella's side. I just have to act normal. I'm not doing anything wrong. Just walk calmly to the front door. Walk like you have no care in the world. There are only three wolves in the Alpha house right now, what are the chances I'll run into one of them?
As I was about to reach the front door, a voice stopped me. Damn, I think I jinxed it. "Alice, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" I knew that voice all too well, it belonged to Peter, my father's Beta.
Peter and I had a very easy going and comfortable relationship, he used to tease me every time he could, but somehow growing up the man had taken another role in my eyes, he became to me more of a father figure than my biological one. While my real one was always busy taking care of pack business and ignoring me, Peter always came through for me. After a while I got the hint and stopped seeking him, instead I went straight to Peter.
He was there when I was sick, he was there when I wanted fatherly advice, he was there to hold my hand and offer a shoulder for me to cry on when my mother died, while Aro was locked in his den hiding from me and the world. He was there when I first realized I was in love, he was there when I graduated high school, he was always there.
I turned to look at him, he stood with his hands folded on his chest and a deep frown on his face. "Yeah, what's up?" I gave the door a longing look, hoping Jasper won't be too impatient and will wait in the woods, like I told him to.
He looked around us and after he was sure no one was there he stepped closer to me. "What was he doing here?" I was about to say who and pretend I had no idea what he was saying, but he might have been the eyes I was sensing in the dark. No point in lying, I just hope he didn't overhear what we were saying, but if he had heard he'd be reprimanding me for agreeing to meet him by the woods, not asking calmly about it. Or worse he'd be out there dragging Jasper by the neck and throwing him on his hands and knees in front of my father.
"He wanted to see me." I said trying to keep my cool.
"And?" he raised one brown questioning eyebrow.
"I told him he was an idiot and sent him away." Which was true, that's what I did at first.
"That boy has a death wish, what was he thinking visiting you at such a time?" He shook his head. "He put you both in danger, but I'm proud of how you handled it, not encouraging the boy's delusions." I tried not to winch and bobbed my head up and down awkwardly. I wasn't a good liar if he kept asking questions I'm sure I'll slip and give him the rest of the story.
"It wasn't easy, sending him away, he is still my best friend." Peter looked at me sympathetically. He knew how much Jasper meant to me.
"I know, honey. I'm sorry things turned out this way for you." He pulled me in a one armed hug and rubbed my shoulder up and down in comfort, which would have helped a lot more yesterday.
In that moment I complemented telling him everything. About saying goodbye to Jasper, my indecision and concerns about Bella, my worry over what Royce said and how to act around this Rosalie, who was my new pack's Beta and my fear of not being able to stand up to my father's expectations and what my failure would mean for the future of the pack. He had always been my rock, he'd know what to do and say to make me feel better. To make everything that was going on in my life somehow make sense. If I got started thought I doubt I'd be done anytime soon. There was so much I longed to get out of my chest, but instead I just held on him tighter. He made me feel safe.
Maybe I should hold everything in, I have to, just a little while longer. I'll be meeting Jasper in a while and even thought all I wanted to do was say goodbye and then go back to Bella before she realizes how long I've been gone. Blurting everything out to him would make me feel a lot better, despite the fact that he will probably have no idea what to tell me to do. I'd feel better knowing that my best friend knows.
"Hey Peter." I whispered against his shoulder as we stood, still half hugging. "Will you promise to take care of him for me please?"
"I will, I promise." I knew how Jasper could be at times, he was a little too in touch with his feelings and because of that he tended to act irrationally at times. Now I felt slightly better knowing Peter was going to look after him. He could show him how to control himself better and think a little more before he acts. He could be his rock now and that will have to be my comfort.
"You know." He whispered in my hair. "You probably can't see it right now, but she is good for you."
I snorted. "You don't know that. You don't know her."
"Well, I liked what I've heard about her and what I've seen till now." He paused for a second. "I might have had a talk with her about you earlier today."
"What about me? What did you say? What did she say?" I pushed myself away from him and narrowed my eyes at him, first Roy now Peter too. At least Royce couldn't do anything without me telling him to. Peter on the other hand, just took it upon himself to intervene, but it was all too late. Why couldn't either of them speak to my father to prevent the mating? Now, I didn't need someone else to talk to Bella for me! I didn't want her to get the wrong idea about me, I'm not a weak wolf who can't even deal with her mate. I growled a little at Peter without meaning to.
"I didn't talk to her directly, Charlotte did, and I got the gist of it from her through our bond." He explained quickly.
"Charlotte?" I asked surprised my earlier frustration forgotten.
"She might not show it, but she cares very deeply about you Alice. We both think of you like a daughter." The feeling was mutual, I thought of them as parents, but Charlotte never really showed it, she was always a little cold. It didn't bother me, it is who she is, I can't fault her for being herself. Also she and my mother were best friends, having me around looking so much like her dead friend surely took its toll on the woman.
"Soo… what did she say?"
"I don't know the exact words, but she went over to your cabin to show Bella her teeth, you know threaten her if she mistreats you, all the things a typical mama bear would do." I could tell by the small smile he had on his lips every time he spoke about her, how proud and in love he was with her, even after all these years. I'll never have that with my mate.
"Let's just say she came back very, very impressed by what she heard and you know how rarely that happens." I nodded without thinking about it. What if Bella was just good with words? Only time would tell, how things will play out with her, but time wasn't something I was eager to spend with her.
"Have I ever told you how I met Charlotte?" Peter spoke again, pulling me out of my own head.
I shook my head for no and he went on. Actually I knew my father had something to do with them meeting, I just didn't know what. Charlotte wasn't the most talkative of wolves and no matter how relaxed my relationship with Peter was I never thought to ask him about it.
"I used to be a lone wolf in my early days." I didn't know that and I never would have guessed. Lone wolves were a rare type of wolf that either chose to live alone or were banished from their pack. They were much like nomads, never staying in a place too long and owned next to nothing. They lived mostly in the woods and tended to avoid humans.
In werewolf communities lone wolves were treated like the scum, they really are. They are selfish, unreliable and a danger to all of us, since anytime one of them could get caught and expose us to the humans. Luckily only a few managed to survive on their own.
When I was younger during one of my werewolf classes I remember Peter saying that a lone wolf lacked a thing, or instinct if you will, called pack mentality. Pack mentality is part of us, it's a mix of loyalty and devotion to our pack that binds us, wolves, together as a unit. It's what makes us seek the best for our pack and makes us organize to maintain stability, looking for guidance and offering submission to the stronger wolf, the Alpha.
"Seriously?" I asked surprised. He just… he didn't look like the type, he was so dependable. I mean he is our Beta for crying out loud. Who would trust a lone wolf enough to let them be their Beta? Definitely not my father!
"What can I say? I was young, strong, and I thought I had everything I need to get by." He shrugged his shoulders a little. "I'm not proud of it, that's why I never mentioned it before." I still could not wrap my mind around it.
"How did you join our pack then?" It was very rare for a lone wolf to revert back to a pack wolf, and it was even rarer for a pack to even give them the opportunity to work their way in.
"Well, I had passed by this place a few times, that's how I met Aro, your father. He wasn't the Alpha back then, but he was talented, driven, young, cared strongly about the pack and very ambitious. By all means he was my opposite. I only cared about myself and had no interest in proving my abilities to anyone. Why should I bother, right?" he looked at me as if I understood. As if I was just like he used to be, not bothering to prove my abilities, not bothering being part of a pack. Ok, maybe in a way I am, but that's because I'm comfortable with the ranking I have, because of who my father is. It doesn't mean I don't care about my pack, because I do! I am part of the pack! Ok, maybe I'm not partaking in pack meetings and staff like that either, but that's because no one else does! I'm being just like the others! Actually I'm more devoted to our pack than anyone else, since I'm the one mating with another pack's Alpha for the sake of the pack.
Peter continued oblivious to the small fire he ignited, by comparing me to a lone wolf. "After all these years I'm still not sure how we came to be friends, I only know it was due to his stubbornness. He saw me as a worthy wolf and tried to persuade me into joining the pack, we had a few disputes and fights over what is best, being by yourself or being part of the pack, I still have scars from back then. During one of those disputes he told me that the pack had something I didn't, Charlotte." By now he had a big stupid grin splitting his face in two.
"I, of course, laughed in his face, werewolves have a very appealing effect on humans, as I'm sure you noticed, if I wanted women I could have them. His reply was that none would even measure to this girl and that I didn't know what I was missing by not meeting her. To prove him wrong I agreed to come back into your community, to meet this special girl."
"And?" I asked after it didn't seem like he was going to say more.
"And I never left again."
"Cute." I mocked, and he rolled his eyes at me. "So why did you tell me all this? Don't I tease you enough, and you felt the need to tell me about the good old days when you were a romantic and rebellious kind of guy?"
He snorted. "I'm sorry midget you have to speak louder so people up here can actually hear you."
"Sorry, old man! I didn't know your hearing aid batteries run out, again. I'll go out and buy you some."
"Nah it's ok, I'll just borrow the batteries from your vibrator." My face flushed red. He knew that I was as embarrassed as I would ever get, talking about sex with him and he took every chance he got to remind me.
"I don't have a vibrator!" I spurted out and went to slap his arm, but he moved out of the way, laughing at my feeble attempt.
"It's ok, you don't need it anymore, you have a mate now." He was still joking, but my slight grimace at the mention of my mate sobered him up and he went back to his story. "Your father, as unlikely as it might seem, has a gift for match making. Actually he has a gift in figuring out people, he is the reason for me being the wolf I 's why I told you the story and it's not just me he helped. There is not a single mating he said would work well that hasn't. Even the arranged ones, look how happy Victoria and Royce are." Well I didn't know that for sure. They might be faking it. Also by my earlier talk with Royce, he gave me the impression that he did have some say on who was to be his mate. He even dated Rosalie, who was one of the candidates, while I was mated to Bella 5 hours after meeting her with only a couple words exchanged between us and no other candidates available. It was all so very fair…
"I should go, Bella might be waiting for me." I pointed at the door with my thump. I know Peter was saying everything he could to make me feel better about my situation, but it was too soon. I was still seething with disappointment, betrayal and anger over the whole thing. Also in the back of my mind there was a small voice that doubted what he said. Was he comforting me for me? Or because he was the pack's Beta and wanted this mating to work for the sake of the alliance? Did my father ask him to soften the blow? Was he just following orders?
He nodded. "Sorry for keeping you up kid. Goodnight!" he ruffled my hair and finally let me go.
As soon as I was out of the door I left a big sigh of relief, and then it hit me that the worst was imminent. I had to go meet Jasper without being seen and I had to say goodbye to him. Although since it was pretty late, and the coast looked clear as far as I could tell, the chances of being spotted now were pretty slim. Wolves had no reason to head this way at this hour, unless there was some kind of emergency.
A chill run through me and I hugged myself a little, it might be fall and I am a werewolf but at cold nights like this one I still need a coat when I'm in my human form, but there's no way I'm going back in my house, I'll rather have a frost bite. So I just started walking with purpose, down the dirt road that led to the cabin.
As I walked in the dark with the only light coming from the moon, I felt that eerie feeling creep right back in, like there were eyes on me. No matter how much I looked I'm sure I was alone. It was just my imagination creeping me out. I kept chanting in my mind that I was alone like a mantra, to make myself feel better.
The night was silent, too silent for my tastes, and I haven't seen anyone, so without thinking about it anymore I made a ninety degree turn and run for the cover of the trees. Once I did, I carefully walked back to where I was supposed to meet with Jasper.
I was a little cold now, but it didn't compare with the tight feeling in my chest and then I saw him. He stood there tall and lean and handsome, his eyes sparkling a little once he spotted me and a small smile spread to his lips. Despite his growth in my eyes I still saw the five year old that helped me gather herbs for our tea party and had the tendency to dig holes, I don't think I ever saw him without dirt smutches all over his face until he was twelve or eleven.
This time I didn't rush to hug him, it was one of the few times I didn't, and instead I stopped a good 10 feet away. I could make out the confusion and slight hurt painted across his face. It wasn't that I didn't want to hug him, I did, but a small part of me was still angry at him for showing up like he did and it was easier for me to concentrate on that anger than on anything else, like the fact that I didn't know when and if I was ever going to see him again after tonight.
"Hey." he gave me a small wave and stepped closer, my eyes following him like a hawk. Maybe I should hug him, maybe I should spent the little time we had left in his arms, rather than holding on to my petty grudge.
"Are you mad at me?" he asked, his handsome face twisted in a tortured grimace.
"For what? Showing at my house at this hour? Trying to sneak in my bedroom? Climbing up my window, when anyone could see you? Making me lie to Peter? Or forcing me to come out here to meet you?" Ok the last wasn't forced, I could have gone back to the cabin if I wanted to. Jasper might act like an idiot sometimes, but he was too scared of Bella to come find me there. He didn't even last two minutes in her presence this morning, he just put his tail between his legs and run away.
He sighed and run a hand through his blonde locks. "So you are not even a little happy to see me?" he gave me his puppy dog eyes and somehow it worked. It was the same look he used for the past decade whenever he wanted to get his way, it was the look I taught him.
I sighed and softened my tone, I can't be mad at him. "I'm worried about you, I don't want you to get hurt, or worse to end up dead! What were you thinking?! Coming to see me like this? Do you really not know what my father would have done to you, us, if we were caught?" I couldn't stop the words from leaving my lips, or the worry or the fears.
"I just… I missed you. I'm sorry, you are right I'm being stupid I shouldn't have put you in any danger. But I heard that you were leaving tomorrow morning! Is it true?" I nodded in confirmation, I couldn't speak, because then I'd say I'd missed him too, that he wasn't stupid, that I didn't care about my life being in danger. "That's too soon." He protested weakly.
"No one asked me." I said bitterly and tried to hold the tears. It was becoming a habit of people deciding for me without me. This is my life now. Actually it was always my life, I was just too dumb to realize it. I thought it'd be different for me.
I felt two hands moving up and down my arms in an attempt to warm me? Comfort me? Both probably. I tried to smile at him, but it probably came out as a grimace, because I could see it in his eyes that he was hurting for me, he wanted to help, but he didn't know how. He couldn't.
"We can run away?" he said, but it sounded like a question. I knew he didn't mean it, by the pathetic look in his eyes, he just had to get it out of his chest, the dream scenario where we left and lived happily ever after.
"We'd both be dead before dawn." Or he will be dead. I might be spared depending on Bella. Or we'd both be tortured until we wish we were dead. One thing was certain, it would end badly for both of us.
"We might not be the strongest wolves in the pack, but we are among the fastest Alice! Maybe we can make it?" I tried not to roll my eyes, as he gripped my shoulders, staring into my eyes, his full of hope. This was one of the few things I didn't like about him, sometimes his stubbornness made him look like a child, demanding their parent to buy them a toy they couldn't afford. We can't run away! Do I need to spell it out for him?
"I told you before Jasper. We have no means of survival without a pack! How much better do you think we'll fare having not one but two packs hunting us?" He already knows that, of course. I don't understand this need he has to make me say it in his face, out loud. Maybe that's his way of coping. He needed to hear the words from me, but I certainly didn't like doing it. I'd prefer spending our last few moments without the drama. I just wanted to be with my best friend, say goodbye and maybe share a few of my real problems! Or some of my concerns. God knows I had too many.
"We could…" I stopped him immediately this time and shook his hands off of me. "Spot it!" I found a tree to lean on and folded my arms, I didn't have the time or the energy for this. I was already drained physically and emotionally, by today's events. I wanted to curl in a ball and die, or sleep or fall into a deep coma. Whichever would finally offer me some peace of mind.
"Bella alone can catch us, she is way faster than me. I was running full speed today and she wasn't even fazed." and I was faster than Jasper, ergo she was faster than both of us. "And you don't need me telling you this, you sensed her today and you turned tail without a second thought!" I was accusing him a little, unfairly of course. I know a fight between the two would result in Jasper's demise, but still a very small foolish part of me wanted him to stay and fight for me. Seeing him cower just by being in her presence was a huge let down and a turn off.
He fell silent after that, kicking some dirt around and avoiding my eyes. I probably hurt his ego saying that, but he was asking for it. I looked away from him. Maybe I shouldn't have come here after all. I'm only hurting him more by being here and saying that. I just wanted to say goodbye, wish him well and maybe get some closure.
Damn why can't something go the way I wanted? Why can't I get a few moments of careless bliss with my friend before I leave? I cursed my luck for the millionth time in the last twenty four hours.
My mind briefly drifted back to my run with Bella and what was it that she said? I don't remember clearly but I think it was something like I can keep up with whatever you throw at me. Now, after Jasper's suggestion and my paranoia kicking in, maybe she meant this. Maybe she was warning me. Maybe she asked me to go running just to show me how fast she was, so I'd think twice before doing something stupid, like running away.
"Do you like her?" he whispered so quietly that I thought I was hearing things.
"Who?" I was confused, still deep in my thoughts. The more I replayed her words in my head the more it all added up. Bella had indirectly given me a warning.
"Bella. Do you like her?" he said louder this time.
"What? No! Never!" I shook my head for no in my haste to deny it.
"Come on Alice, it's just me, you can tell me." He smiled a little, still kicking the dirt. Despite the smile I could see a hint of resentment in his eyes directed either at Bella or me for snapping at him earlier.
"I don't like her. I don't even know her."
"Obviously, but she is very beautiful, green eyes, dark hair, curves in all the right places and she has the whole dominating Alpha aura around her, which adds to her hotness. I know I wouldn't mind terribly if I was forced to mate with her." My response surprised even me. A deep animalistic growl came out from deep inside my chest.
He looked at me awed, like he didn't believe a sound like that could come out of me, which has some bases, I'm not a growler, at least not in my human skin and I've never growled at him before. Apparently lately it was all about firsts with me. It even took me a minute or so, to stop the strange sound I was emitting.
When the first shock passed, he chuckled at me, holding his hands up in a defensive manner. "Easy tiger, I was just saying. She doesn't hold a candle to you, no one does." I had to bite my tongue, not to spill that I wasn't growling because I was jealous he noticed her. I was growling… why was I growling? I guess it wasn't me, it was an age old instinct really. He was speaking as if she was his and my wolf didn't like that. I might not like her, but I'm a werewolf I can't help being territorial over what's mine.
"Don't worry I don't like her either, after all she is taking you away from me, but I just get this vibe that you don't hate her." He finished the sentence raising an eyebrow.
"That's because I don't. Why would I hate her?" why did he have to ask all this questions about her. I didn't want to discuss her with him. I felt guilty, like I was being questioned over an illegitimate affair by my boyfriend, when the opposite was happening. Well sort of.
His brow furrowed a little bit. "Didn't she force herself on you, last night?"
"She is as forced in this as I. Neither of us had a choice." It was the only thing my mind could come up with, to avoid answering, because she most defiantly didn't force herself on me. I had willingly kissed her back, wrapped my arms around her, opened my legs for her and moaned her name in a feat of passion and lust and not just once, but four times. Sparing him the pain of knowing the dirty details seemed like the way to go. I didn't want to hurt him or know how much I betrayed him, because enjoying being with her was a betrayal to him.
"Huh… I just expected you to be more negative towards her." He shrugged his shoulders as if it didn't really matter. I guess it didn't for him.
"I'm…" What am I? "I'm torn. I don't like her, but I think I admire her a little. She is sacrificing her own happiness for the prosperity of her pack and she's been pretty decent with me, trying to communicate and make this work, while I'm being a little hostile." Or a lot. If I took my father's advice that will have to change drastically, from now on I should be sucking up to her, being the perfect mate, showing interest in her etc. I'm just not sure if I am up for the task.
"It's ok, it doesn't matter." He walked up to me and leaned next to me on the tree, on his side and looked down on me with a loving smile. "As long as you love only me." He whispered.
"Don't worry I don't see that changing any time soon." I smiled back at him. We kept smiling and staring at each other for a little while. I tried to memorize his face, his eyes and smile. But soon his face darkened, his smile faded and his brow furrowed.
"I hate this world. It's so unfair! You love me and I love you, but I will never have you, while you and her…" he finished his chest vibrating with a growl. "I can't stand the idea of you being with anyone else."
I looked away from him and into the darkness and repeated the words everyone seems to love saying to me. "It's for the good of the pack." Did I believe it? Part of me did and that was my only comfort and it will have to be his too.
"I hate the pack too!" he said a little louder, at least he didn't growl again, it wasn't a sound I liked hearing from him. I preferred his voice smooth and soft, and words of love and kindness coming out of his lips.
"You don't." I tried not to sigh at his childish manner. If someone ought to hate the pack, that was me! I was the one who had to go through hell for its sake, and frankly he should be the one doing the comforting, not me. Yet, I swallowed everything again. I wonder how much more I can take before I snap.
I didn't know how I'd feel if it was the other way around. If I had watched him get married and then leave the pack with some random girl. I'd probably be insanely jealous and angry, like he was, but I'd prefer that fate to this. At least he got to stay with his family, at his home, sleep on his bed and be part of his pack, while I had to give up everything. My pack, my family, my home, even my bed. It was an odd feeling, I'd always have to share my bed from now on.
"I did it for your sake too, you know. You are the most important member of the pack for me." The words rolled off my tongue so easily, it was only a few seconds later that I realized my mistake and winced in pain and disgust. Did I just repeat the words Bella said to me only a few hours earlier?
Yes, I did and just as I was sure there was no way I could feel worse about myself. I mean, who does that? It's not like I have feelings for the girl, but still I felt… I felt horrible. Like there was a twist in my gut. I must have broken some unknown rule of the universe repeating the caring words my wife said to me to my best friend and ex boyfriend. I expected fire to rain down on me from the Gods as punishment, but a few moments passed and nothing happened.
Well nothing except Jasper sniffing me. I turned to give him a what-the-hell look and he quickly blushed and looked away. If I overlook the fact that it was weird to do that, if he said anything about smelling like Bella I was going to punch him. I shared a bed with the girl, it was common for wolves, and especially mates that spend too much time around each other, to have their scents rub off on one another.
"Sorry." He mumbled.
"Well… I have to go now." I was done. I was emotionally fried. "We are leaving early in the morning and I need to sleep for a few hours." We haven't talked about anything that really mattered, but I couldn't stay out any longer. It was beyond midnight, and at the off chance Bella wasn't asleep, I didn't want to risk going back too late or worse smelling like Jasper.
Plus I'll be meeting my new pack tomorrow and even if the stress of meeting them makes me stay up all night, I still have to try sleeping. I don't want to look like hell or worse like a weakling. From what I've heard changing packs isn't an easy thing to do, it takes time and patience from both ends and it was rarely done. It was also customary for wolves to constantly challenge the newbie, test their strength, so their rank between the pack could be decided. Of course the rank was given by the Alpha, so in this case as the Alpha's mate I automatically have mine, but that doesn't make me safe. In fact it might have the opposite effect and make me a target for some wolves, they might challenge me to climb up the ladder by putting me down.
I made to move, but he caught my wrist. I looked up to him, raising an eyebrow. It was time to go and even thought the reason I came here was to say goodbye, I purposely left the word unspoken. I didn't want it to be goodbye and I didn't want him to tell it to me. Not now, not ever.
"Maybe… maybe we should… you know." He said looking deep into my eyes, a mix of unspoken emotions swirling around in his.
I knew. He wanted to hear the words, have some closure. I couldn't blame him for it, but I needed to avoid it. "I don't want to." I whispered softly looking away from him for the hundredth time tonight. I was a coward, I couldn't look him in the eye as I was about to leave.
"Why not?" he sounded hurt. "Aren't you curious to know what it feels like?" What goodbye feels like? I already knew. I felt it now and I've felt it before when I had to say goodbye to my mother's grave. Only then, the pain was a hundred times worse.
"I know what goodbye feels like, Jasper, and I hope this isn't it. How about we say see you soon?" I looked at him hopeful, only to see him chuckle humorlessly and shake his head for no.
"I wasn't talking about goodbye, Alice." Before I could ask what he was talking about he went on. "I meant you and me. What it'd feel like to make love." He finished and moved to kiss me, his eyes closing before he could see mine go wide and my mouth drop open in shock.
Even in my surprised state, and despite the fact that deep down I did want to kiss him, I had the mind to move away from his lips, only I didn't get to move that far away since he was still gripping my wrist. It was enough thought for realization to hit him, that I wasn't all over him.
"What's wrong?" he frowned and straightened up.
I wanted to shout at him all the gazillion small and big things that were wrong or laugh hysterically, but I opted for the one thing that had the more weight behind it, metaphorically speaking. Or maybe it was literal in this case? Because it really did carry a lot of weight. "I have a mate."
"So what?" he shrugged his shoulders as if it was nothing and I felt the need to slap him. He was in denial. He needed to wake up and see the reality. "You don't love her." He offered after a minute of me staring at him in shock, like that would excuse infidelity.
"I'm still married to her." I raised my free hand to his face holding out the finger that had the white gold band around it. I silently wished it was around my middle finger, so I could flip him off while doing it.
"But you love me!" he said irritated and slapped my hand away.
"I'm not a cheater."I was trying really hard to keep my cool, not get angry or emotional. Did he not know me at all?
"It's alright, just this once. We can be together and no one will ever know." He tried to rationalize this, cheating with him. And I wanted to say that it would still jeopardize my relationship with Bella and the pack alliance and his life. It was a risk we could both live without. But it wasn't about Bella or the pack or him. At the end it was all about me and the kind of person I am and want to be.
"I'll know!" And there was this thought in my head, it seemed really unbelievable now. But… What if? What if way, way down the road I bond with Bella? I wasn't one hundred percent sure on how much the bonded couples could pick from one another's heads, since I haven't experienced it, but what if she saw this moment? Could I really throw away the possibility of a happy future for the sake of my past?
No, even if it wasn't going to be a happy future. I still couldn't do it. I couldn't break the vows I made to her, even thought I hadn't meant them at the moment. Maybe it took him offering this, but it was clear now, whatever future I had was by her side. Even if it was a miserable one. I'd still have to spend every day waking up next to her, seeing her face every damn morning for the rest of my life and I didn't want to do that knowing that I have betrayed her. I didn't need nor want the added guilt in my life. "I'll have to live with that."
"Yes, you will and you won't have to wonder what our perfect first time would be like. I know that technically it won't be your first, but it should have been and it should be mine too. I'll never love anyone as much as I love you and I want to be with you, even if it's just this once. Please Alice?" he pleaded and I could see his eyes tearing up a little, but I forced myself to look away. Yes it should have been us and yes we loved each other, but no matter what he said or did, this wasn't an argument I was willing to let him win. Why wasn't he listening to what I was saying?
In fact it wasn't even an argument. As I thought on it his reasoning didn't even make sense. What perfect first time? A few stolen minutes in the woods with my ass on the dirt and my mate, who took my virginity 24 hours earlier, sleeping about a couple hundred feet away. How is that remotely romantic? It was trashy and we both deserved better than that.
I sighed heavily. It should have been us yesterday. Getting married and then mating. I'll always wonder what that could have been like. A life with Jasper instead of Bella. But I don't see me, regretting this decision, not sleeping with him.
"So we can have one more thing that can never be?" like we both didn't have enough reasons to miss one another. I shook my head dismissing the idea again. "Is this why you came to see me tonight?"
"No! I came to tell you to run away with me, but since you are so content with your new life, I thought at least we'd get to be together, even if it was our first and last time." he said every word with anger, accusing me because I rejected both his stupid ideas.
"I'm not content with anything and stop trying to make me the bad guy. I'm simply being realistic here. What did you expect? That we'd run away and the world would just forget about us? Are you that naïve?" By now I had dropped my calm demeanor and was nearly shouting at him. I knew we were pretty close to the Alpha house, but my emotions were ragging, just like my heartbeat and I needed a release. I kept going hoping no one would hear.
"And what good could come out of us having sex?" he winced at the last word and I knew why, it seemed wrong to call it that. Degrading. It would have been love. "We'd just miss each other more and we'd never get to touch like that again. Doesn't this hurt enough already?" My angry tone had changed to an almost pleading one and my voice trembled. I have no idea how I was holding back the tears. "I'm at my limit, I can't take any more pain."
This time it was his turn to look away from me, his face was still twisted in a scowl, but he looked calmer. "I don't get it."
"What?" I asked my voice barely a whisper. It didn't seem like he heard me.
"Maybe I am naïve. I wanted to make love with you, because I wanted one more memory of us to hold on to and cherish. Frankly I don't see how you can think of us being together as wrong. So last night was right for you?" I couldn't answer, I was too exhausted to think, let alone argue any more. Anyway it wasn't as if he had waited for a reply. "You know, they are pretty rich, her pack. She probably bought you from Aro. So tell me, if I'm naïve, what does saying no to me, the man you love, and saying yes to her makes you?" he gave me one last glance, and despite the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes and were already obscuring my vision, I could tell his eyes were watering too.
"A whore." My hand was in the air before he even finished, and as the last syllable left his lips it smashed against his cheek, giving him the slap he's been begging for, the sound echoing in the otherwise silent night.
I wasn't sure if I managed to put all the force I wanted behind my slap. So I was very glad when I saw a small trail of blood trickle down his chin. Although I doubt it hurt as much as his words had hurt me.
We stayed like that for a moment, him still like a statue with his face turned to the side by the force of me hitting him and me staring at the blood, trying to comprehend what just happened.
This couldn't be happening.
The Jasper I know and love would never say such words to me. Although it wasn't only the words that stank it was the malice behind them, he wanted to hurt me.
As realization hit me again, he turned and with no other word left me. How could he just leave? Is this how he wanted things to end between us? I watched his back as he quickly retreated, wishing to just wake up from this nightmare that was now my life.
This meeting turned out to be one gigantic mistake. I should have gone back to the cabin.
I was a wreck emotionally and physically I wanted to leave this place as soon as possible but my feet were rooted to the ground. Before I knew it I was sitting against the tree, hugging my knees and crying my heart out. At least I was able to hold it together long enough for him not hear me fall apart and cry my eyes out. I still wanted to hold on to what little dignity I had left.
Deep down I was glad I was alone, at least now I didn't have to hold anything back. Every little thing that I was repressing from this past two hellish days resurfaced. Pain, betrayal, anger, used, disappointment, sadness, uselessness, emptiness and a number of other unnamed emotions washed over me all at once.
I have no idea how long I was at it, could be a minute, an hour or a week. Time had stopped. I only knew that every thought that passed through my head made me cry harder and harder, to the point where my body was jerking violently, or was I shivering? I'm not sure. I was freezing and my teeth started clattering together from being so cold.
Then a small weight fell on my shoulders, from the warmth it brought to my body, I realized it was a jacket. Meaning someone was here with me. I tried to still my body, but even with my best effort I was still jerking a little bit from hiccups and no matter how much I willed them the tears didn't stop.
I raised my head to see who was with me, I didn't hear anyone approaching which is understandable, because the only thing I heard was myself weeping, and I didn't smell anyone. I couldn't even smell the scent from the jacket around me, my nose was closed after so much crying. So I had to rely on my eyes, which were pretty hazy from all the water coming out of them.
I looked around confused, I couldn't find anyone. I was about to sigh, happy that whoever did the kindness didn't stick around and then I spotted the figure. My heart jumped a little from the surprise and the proximity of the person.
Someone was leaning on the side of my tree, their hands folded on their chest and their face angled up, as they stared at the pitch black sky above us. My eyesight was that blurry that I doubt I could tell who it was even if they were looking at me.
Then some part of my brain started working again. I didn't need to see, hear or smell, I could just sense who the intruder was.
That's what I did. I sensed, but I didn't like who I was sensing. So I quickly looked away, pushing my face in between my knees to muffle my crying and then stop it, but it didn't stop. As my luck would have it, next to me was the last person on earth I wanted to cry in front.
Bella.
Why did it have to be her?
If possible I was crying harder again. At one moment I was crying because I couldn't stop crying, which made zero sense! Honestly I think I might be having a nervous breakdown.
Again time passed. By now I was all cried out, or I was too exhausted to cry any more. Not sure. I could hardly think and the tremors started again. Whatever warmth was on the jacket my body quickly absorbed it and I was once more left cold and shivering. I wasn't sure if I was alone or not, maybe she got bored or sick of me and left.
At that moment I felt two strong hands pick me up bridal style and carrying me out of the woods. I sighed as I was engulfed in the warmth and nuzzled my face on the nape of her neck, desperately trying to warm myself more.
I think I heard a door open and close, but I didn't have the strength to open my eyes to confirm it. The most probable place for her to take me was our cabin, my guess was confirmed when after a few more steps I was laid on a bed.
She tried to move away and I dug my fingers into her shoulders, pulling her on me. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to the warmth, but of course since she was a lot stronger than me, she wiggled out of my arms, but didn't leave me completely. I felt her hands move all over my body, undressing me? Maybe. By now I was pretty much out of it, randomly dropping in and out of awareness.
Soon I felt a warm and soft semi naked body next to me, I instinctively turned, seeking her warmth, and settled myself in her arms, resting my head on her soft chest as the sound of her steady heartbeat lulled me back to sleep. The last thought I remember going through my head was a question. How long was she in the woods? Did she wake up and merely found me there, or had she heard everything I said with him? I silently prayed for the former before losing consciousness completely.
This is it!
Like it, hate it?
Personally I wasn't a fan of it it's hard not writing an Alice who is not obsessed with Bella. I probably have to start building a back bone for her soon, but for now I think her whining is understandable. Hey at least she is not unfaithful right?
Anyway how long do you think Bella was there? And how will she react the morning after? And was Jasper being romantic or foolish?
You also got a small glimpse of Peter and a bigger one of Jasper. People have been asking me to develop a little more the side characters, you want to know how Alice feels about them, and what's her relationship with the rest of the pack, if Jasper was her only friend etc.. Alice will delve more on her relationships with other members of the pack in the future when she talks to them, like when she talked to Royce and Peter, before that she only mentioned them by name. I'm keeping Victoria in the dark for a reason. And no Jasper wasn't her only friend, just her best friend and boyfriend. The only reason I don't mention other names is because you won't get to see them for a long while... soon Alice will be gone and will meet many new people(her new pack) and the old ones would be forgotten..
Aro is Alice's dad and yes I know most of you predicted it. I had either him or Marcus in my head when I was writing him, but I went with Aro since he is more power hungry in Twilight. Plus he fits in better with the bunch. Aro, Royce, Victoria and Alice and we have the 4 major packs.
On Bella's point of view, most of you want her as a mystery, since this is Alice's story, so she will stay that way! At least until Alice knows her a bit better, then I might go back and fill a few of the blanks. Or I will do what one of you (sorry I don't remember who right now) said and later post Bella chapters as an independent/side story.
Sorry guests, but since Bella will stay a mystery I can't answer this question just yet. "Did Bella choose Alice or was she chosen for her?" so you can make your own assumptions for now.
I also have to stop writing so big A/Ns I feel like I'm reviewing my story…
Of course as always feel free to point out mistakes!
See you next time!