Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters affiliated with it. SoN is property of Tom Lynch and The N.
A/N: First I want to thank everyone for reading this story! Especially all who have reviewed and/or added this story to your favorites or me as your favorite author! *insert blush here*. You inspire me to write more and more. And now onward to chapter 3!
Reviews are greatly appreciated, as always. :)
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Chapter 3
I don't know why I even pretend like I have to think it over. Spencer just asked me to go to a club with her and Carmen and, like a spineless jellyfish, I agreed. As soon as the words left her mouth I foresaw myself agreeing. I hate me sometimes.
"Yay!" Spencer says excitedly as she clasps my arm to her warm side. "And you better give me a dance."
I offer her a smile, knowing it's the best I can do. Every time we go out to the club, I always dance with Spencer, regardless if Carmen is there. Carmen doesn't like to dance-or maybe she just has no rhythm- so I always step in. I'm always happy to do so.
But lately I haven't felt like putting myself in that close of proximity to Spencer. I don't think Spencer knows this, but sometimes I feel like she purposely invades my space because she knows how I feel. I know Spencer isn't vindictive like that, but some times a girl can't help but think that way.
So now here I am, sitting at a bar with my "favorite" duo, trying not to sip on my Jack and Coke too fast. After all, we did take my brand new Ferrari, and I'm not too keen on having it wrapped around a tree. But I honestly feel like I need a little alcohol in me to loosen me up. Or at least so I am more apt to pretend to like Carmen.
"Hey Ash, you want another drink?" I hear Spencer ask me.
I look down at my glass and am surprised to see it mostly gone. Damn, looks like I'm getting a cab tonight. "Uh, sure, that'd be great. Thanks." I give her a grateful smile that immediately turns into a frown as I realize I am now alone with Carmen. Oh boy.
"So, looks like we're walking home?" Carmen attempts to joke, and maybe because of the alcohol, I find myself giving her a laugh.
"You mean you don't want to spend the night in jail?" I ask her in a disappointed voice. Maybe Carmen isn't too bad. I mean she can be funny….sort of.
"Nah, three months was enough for me," she says seriously as she looks into her beer with a strange expression.
Oh. Really, what do you say to that? Do I say, 'Oh, I'm sorry,' or 'That sucks,' or 'Serves you right, bitch!' Somehow I don't think Spencer would appreciate the last option, even though I would thoroughly enjoy it.
I hear a light snort and I look over to see Carmen wearing a huge ass grin. "Ok, so I totally didn't know you would take me seriously."
I look her up and down, taking in her appearance. She looks like a homeless person who would break a bottle and cut you with the broken glass. What? She really does!
"Well why wouldn't I believe you? Who lies about time in jail?" I ask defensively as I begin to feel very stupid. And where in the hell did Spencer go with my drink? I really need it right now.
"Well," she pauses as if to consider, "maybe people who have never done time?" she finishes rhetorically. I'm quickly reminded of why I don't like Carmen.
Spencer returns-finally!- and I'm even more reminded of why Carmen sucks ass big time. "Here you go." She hands me my drink with a huge smile as she sees that Carmen and I have been talking.
"Thanks," I say politely as I take a big drink from my glass, emptying it almost halfway- much to the amazement of Spencer and Carmen.
"So, what were you two talking about?" Spencer asks all nonchalant, even though we can see the interest clearly in her blue eyes.
"My jail time," Carmen shrugs, patting her lap to motion for Spencer to sit there.
I look at Carmen's lap with disgust. "Me throwing up," I mumble into my glass.
"Your what?" Spencer asks confused.
"Me growing up," I quickly recover, smiling mid drink at my quickness. I feel Carmen give me a strange look but I pointedly ignore it- and her.
"I love this song!!" Spencer says excitedly as she jumps off Carmen's lap and stands beside me with an expectant look.
I look to Carmen, almost in a reflex, to gauge her reaction. Finding a blank look, I finish the rest of my drink and happily take Spencer's hand and lead us to the dance floor.
"So Ms. Inebriated, you think you can keep up with me?" Spencer lightly teases as she puts her arms around my neck and mine fall similarly to her hips.
"Yessh," I slur as I play along. "Spencerrr I lurve you!!" I shout loudly, making the blonde laugh and place a hand over my mouth in embarrassment.
"Ash," she chastises and she looks around sheepishly.
I walk us over to another couple dancing and tap the guy on his shoulder. "I lurve her!" I give him a big grin and pretend to stumble into Spencer. They guy gives me a smile and sends Spencer a thumbs up before turning back to his girl.
"Ash, I swear," she rolls her eyes in fake exasperation.
I give her a sweet smile and roll my hips into hers to the beat, trying to act like the action is simply friendly. Trying to act as though my whole being doesn't ignite. "What?" I say innocently, "I do lurve you."
She smiles again and slaps my shoulder playfully. "You're embarrassing."
"Ah, but you lurve me too, right?" Again I give her an ear splitting grin.
Spencer stares into my eyes for a long moment, and I begin to wish I was drunk so that I wouldn't feel the awkwardness that somehow crept up.
"I do," she whispers with a nod. "Now let's show them what we got!"
Now I know Spencer is hot. And I know I'm hot. So needless to say, we can attract quite a crowd when we dance together, which is what is happening now.
We are both feeling hot and a little sweaty, but we are stubbornly refusing to stop and get some fresh air. We are in our zone and we can't be interrupted.
Apparently Carmen didn't know this. "Mind if I cut in?" she asks in a somewhat harsh tone, clearly surprising Spencer and me. Not just because of her tone, but because she actually is making an effort to dance.
"Sure," I try to smile, even though I just wanted to keep holding Spencer and have her body touch mine so deliciously. And it's not like I could tell Carmen, 'No, you cannot dance with your own girlfriend,' no matter how much I wish I could.
"Carmen, you're going to dance?" Spencer asks in surprise, giving her girlfriend an unsure look. "You know you don't have to."
Carmen shrugs and quickly glances at me before saying, "You always have so much fun out here, so I wanted to have fun with you."
Translation: 'You are all up on Ashley and I'm crazy jealous and don't want you to possibly like her even though she is totally hot and loves you so much and I know you can come to love her too.'
Ok, so maybe that wasn't exactly what Carmen was saying, but you get the gist.
I look from Carmen to Spencer, holding in my triumphant smirk as I see Carmen's horrible attempt at dancing. "I'm going to go sit down."
"Ok, see you in a few," Spencer says with a smile, her arm touching mine briefly so that our eyes meet.
I nod, trying to remind myself not to let my eyes close, because her touch feels that good. She gives my arm a light squeeze and then turns back to Carmen.
"I saw you dancing out there."
I turn to find an attractive redhead sitting next to me. "Oh yeah? Did you learn some new things?" I tease.
She gives me a flirty challenging look. "I learned that you have some hot moves."
"Well anyone with eyes can see that. Anyway I can learn your name?" Yeah I know what you are thinking, and I do love Spencer, but Carmen kind of rains on that parade, don't you think?
She holds out a delicate hand. "It's Ginger. And yours, hot stuff?"
I smile and bow as I take her hand. "Ashley, dance extraordinaire at your service."
"Any service?" she asks huskily with an eyebrow raise.
I like this game. There are no uncertainties here like there are with Spencer. We both know what we want and we both know it will not mean anything. "Well that depends on-"
"Ashley, are you ready to go?" Spencer says and she tugs a relieved looking Carmen with her. "Who are you?" she demands as she spots Ginger.
"Ginger. You?" Ginger asks coolly, obviously noticing the look in Spencer's eyes.
"Spencer. You ready to go Ash?" she asks again, pointedly turning away from Ginger.
"I can get Ashley back home safely. You and…your friend, can go back home. She's in safe hands," Ginger assures Spencer with a challenging look, putting a soft hand on my shoulder.
Oh shit. Not here. Not now! I know what Ginger is doing, and as much as part of me likes this cat fight, another part knows hell will break lose.
"I should go," I tell Ginger, ignoring the triumphant, bitchy look Spencer is wearing at my declaration. "But let me get your number." Spencer's face drops and now the victorious look is on Ginger's face.
"Hit me up some time. I'll make time for you," Ginger promises with a seductive wink at me. "Nice meeting you Spander." We all know Ginger purposely butchered the name.
"Yeah, you too Herpes," Spencer shoots back and then grabs my arm and pulls me outside. I guess Carmen follows, but I honestly could care less.
"I probably shouldn't drive," I inform Spencer as she continues to pull me towards my car. It's been eerily quiet and tense, and I don't like it one bit.
Carmen has noticed too. She puts a tentative hand on Spencer's arm. "Babe you need to slow down. You've almost gotten us hit about four times."
"Pedestrians have the right-of-way," Spencer bites of harshly, making Carmen flinch and back away. She then turns to me. "Give me your keys, I'm driving."
I know better than to argue with her. Right now she isn't Spencer, she's Paula Carlin, and that's more than enough reason to let her do her thing. I hand her the keys, which she snatches up and then walks faster to my car, still dragging me along. I don't even try to break my grip.
"Spencer, I think you can release Ashley and let circulation flow to her arm again," Carmen says gently, obviously not knowing what to make of Spencer's mood.
Spencer whips around to Carmen with a questioning look before her eyes find my arm and she quickly lets go. "Sorry," she mumbles quietly.
"Who needs blood in that arm anyway?" I tease Spencer, glad when she laughs and gives a small smile. I stop as I recognize that Carmen isn't right with us. I turn and see that she is about ten feet behind us, giving Spencer and me a strange look.
"Carmen?" Spencer asks uncertainly.
"Yeah, sorry, I'm coming." The brunette catches up with us but remains silent.
"Shotgun!" I yell excitedly as I run to my car and hop in the passenger seat.
Spencer laughs at me fondly. "Ok drunky, take the front."
I stop as I realize I probably should let Carmen have the front. After all, she is Spencer's girlfriend. But come on, every one knows the rules of shotgun. She lost fair and square!
"Actually I think I'll ride in back and lay down, you know, sleep off some of my Jack and coke." Spencer doesn't know that I really didn't have that much to drink, but it's better this way. Who knows, maybe I can count this as my good deed of the day.
"Can I stay over at your place?" Spencer asks into the silence of the car. It's one of those silences where everyone has a lot on their mind, so it's not necessarily awkward, just uncomfortable.
"Babe, you know you're parents won't let you stay over," Carmen says, looking regretful.
Spencer, on the other hand, looks uncomfortable and awkward. "Uh yeah, I-uh… I actually was talking to Ashley," she says hesitantly, purposely avoiding whatever look Carmen is sending her way. I find myself sitting up in interest.
"Uh yeah sure," I manage to utter with some casualness. "You want to borrow some of my clothes again?" I instantly regret my words as I see Carmen mouth 'again?' to herself. Damn you mouth, have you no filter?
"Uh no, I uh, I think I'll just stop by my house before, if that's ok?" I'm sure anyone listening in on our conversation would be laughing at the tension in the car, but none of us find it amusing-just plain awkward! I'm sure we're all trying to find ways to talk without saying the word 'uh' first. It's obviously not going so well.
"Yeah that's fine." Woo, go me, nice complete non-awkward sentence! Ok, well other than Carmen, but come on, who really wants to include her in anything?
"Ok, well since my house is first, mind if I stop by there before dropping you off, Carmen?" Spencer obviously makes an effort to include Carmen.
The bitch has been unusually quiet, and even though normally I'd love her silence, now I know it's not a good sign.
I see Carmen turn towards Spencer. "Sure, that's fine." No babe, no sweetheart, nothing.
"I'll be back in a few minutes!" Spencer promises, maybe sensing that Carmen and I never want to be in the same room together, especially alone.
"So you and Ginger, huh?" Carmen finally speaks as soon as Spencer closes the door. It makes me feel like she has been bursting to say that the whole car ride. She probably has. Bitch.
"Maybe, but I doubt it. She's not really my type," I shrug, wondering why she cares.
"Beautiful and easy isn't your type?" she says without any tone, and that's when I start to really get pissed off. Where is she going with this?
"No. Unlike Spencer, I don't like settling for the easy girls." There's no need for the bitch tone I use and the pointed look I give Carmen, but I do it anyway.
"I want you to back off Ashley," she orders.
I roll my eyes at her and give her an incredulous look. "Yeah ok, because I'll gladly do what you want."
"Seriously. She's my girlfriend."
"And?" I question rhetorically. "She's my best friend, and has been much longer than you've been around," I point out.
"You like her." I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, but I did think I was hiding it a little better than that. Obviously not. "And although Spencer doesn't know it yet, she will find out. And she's going to have to let you down somehow. You know Spencer won't leave you, but she'll just take that much longer to break your heart. And she will break your heart, because she's with me." Wow, can she be anymore conceited?
As much as I hate to admit it, Carmen does have a point. Spencer will never just abandon me, but she is already unknowingly breaking my heart. "You don't know anything about Spencer other than that she's friends with me. And that's all you need to know, because it's obviously enough to have you jealous."
I smile triumphantly when I see she has no comment. "And if you are so sure that Spencer will break my heart, why are you telling me to back off? Why are you so threatened Carmen, if Spencer and I are 'just friends'?" Carmen needed to be put in her place, that's for sure.
Carmen regards me for a moment, deciding if I was firm in my belief or not. "Fine, do what you want. But just remember that Spencer is the one who asked me out. She found me. How long have you been by her side and she's overlooked you? I knew Spencer for two weeks before she asked me out. But that's nothing on your three years, is it?" she sneers mockingly.
Spencer finally comes back, and I can't be happier about her timing. I really am not sure what I can say in response to Carmen's comment, and I don't want her to know she got to me. "Sorry I took so long," she apologies swiftly as she sees the anger in my eyes and the bitchy smile in Carmen's. "Mom had to give me the curfew rules." She rolls her eyes. "So we ready?"
"We are baby," Carmen smiles as she takes Spencer's hand, and it takes everything in me not to kick the back of her seat with all my strength.
"Yeah, we should get Carmen home so we can go to my house." I stare at Carmen the whole time I say this. It's bitchy, I know it, and I'll gladly do it again.
"No rush," Carmen assures us 'sweetly,' "I'm not in any hurry to get home."
Damn you! I inwardly curse her. "Well I'm feeling pretty tired from dancing with Spencer." Yep, I glance at Carmen as I say this too. I even throw in a nice big yawn for added effect. "Plus the alcohol has me tired, so I kind of want to get into bed." This time I look at Spencer and give her my pleading eyes, the ones I know she has trouble resisting.
Spencer turns and looks at me. "Don't worry Ash, we'll get you to bed. I'll even tuck you in," she promises with a pretty smile and a wink.
I smile back and make a big show of grabbing her hand and squeezing it. "You're the best Spence."
Yep, I purposely emphasized the nickname. For some reason Carmen won't say it, and it makes it that much more special to me.
"Damn, I don't think I have my key. I probably won't be able to get in my house." Carmen hits her forehead dramatically, making me roll my eyes at her horrible acting skills. There is no way she's coming over to my house!
"Aw babe, well what are you going to do?" Spencer asks. I look at Spencer through rear view mirror and I shake my head slightly, letting her know I don't want Carmen over. I also inwardly gag at the pet name Spencer uses.
"I'm not sure. My parents are gone so I can't ask them to let me in." Sure they are, I think sarcastically. Carmen is really laying it on thick.
"Why don't you just break in? Surely that's not foreign to you," I sneer, finally ending the politeness that I maintain for Spencer's sake.
"Ash," Spencer chastises. I can tell from her tone and the look on her face that she doesn't want to deal with this right now. "Carmen, is there not some one else you can call?" Her eyes meet mine again, and I see the pleading look. She's begging me to reconsider.
I sigh as I realize I'm once again going to give in to Spencer. "Carmen, would you like to stay over at my house with us?" I ask through gritted teeth. I don't even try to sound polite. We all know it would be fake anyway.
"Wow, really?" she excitedly asks. I just want to punch her and say, 'Fuck no bitch!' but I know that Spencer wouldn't look past that. Cue whipping noise.
"Yeah, there is plenty of room." God I hate doing this.
"Ok, yeah. Thanks!" She turns to Spencer and smiles. "Looks like you will be staying with me after all, babe."
Oh boy, just what I wanted. NOT.
I send a quick text to Kyla telling her to kill me now.
Night went that well? She texts back.
You have no idea! Prepare yourself.
We arrive at my house and I can see Carmen looking up in awe. I'm sure it's a mansion compared to her cardboard box. Ok, so I actually haven't seen Carmen's house, but I'd much rather assume than actually know.
"Well I am going to sleep with Kyla. You can have my bed, Spence. Carmen, you can have the laundry room rug- I mean you can sleep wherever," I correct as Spencer gives my arm a sharp hit.
I really really really don't want them both in my bed. I don't want Carmen's diseases to be transferred to my clean sheets. Plus I just really don't want them in my bed together.
"Ok well Spence, you know where everything is so you can show Carmen. Feel free to eat and drink whatever. Oh, except the bottle of Merlot. That's my mom's. It's the one thing in this house she actually loves." I give a bitter laugh and quickly mask it as I realize I revealed a vulnerability to Carmen.
Spencer walks over to me and puts a soft hand on my arm. "You think she'd notice if I spit in her precious bottle of Merlot?" she asks with such a serious expression that I can't help but laugh.
I don't say anything, but I know she can see the appreciation in my eyes. Carmen obviously can too, because she coughs and then asks Spencer if she's ready for bed, effectively stopping a moment from forming.
"Yeah," Spencer nods towards Carmen before turning to me. "Night Ash," she smiles and gives the arms she's holding a soft squeeze.
"Night Spence," I smile back. "Carmen," I nod toward the other brunette. I turn and head to Kyla's room, desperately trying to stop myself from turning around and watch them head to my room. Together.
"Ash what are you doing in here?" Kyla asks curiously as I come in carrying a blanket and pillow.
"Ugh," I sigh and cast my eyes upward, "it's so stupid. Spencer asked to stay over-calm down-" I interrupt myself as Kyla gives an excited squeal. "So I told her she could, but then Carmen conveniently didn't have her house key, so she's over here too. Oh, and did I tell you the best part?" I ask it rhetorically, but Kyla still shakes her head. "They're both in my bed."
Kyla walks over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. She knows better than to hug me. It would only serve to break me down. "But you did get Spencer in your bed."
I laugh despite myself and pull Kyla into a hug. Full sister or not, I love her and am so thankful for her. "That's true. Maybe next year I'll even get around to being in the bed with her," I joke back, glad to be out of my sad mood.
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I lie in Kyla's bed, listening to her loud snores as I stare up at the ceiling. A glance at my phone tells me I've been up for an hour since I first tried to go to sleep. Knowing I won't get any sleep with Kyla sawing lumber, I get up and head to the living room, hoping that the TV will put me to sleep.
I sigh at the lack of any good shows on at night. Deciding that MTV will have to do, I settle myself into the couch and snuggle further under the blanket. It can be so hot in the house, but for some reason the living room always manages to be about 60°. I'll never understand it, but I digress.
"Kyla snoring?" Spencer's voice interrupts me from my intense TV watching, causing me to jump slightly.
I look at the blonde and give her a smile. "I'm not even sure if that can even be classified as snoring. What about you? Carmen cutting some lumber over there?" I don't want to think about them in the same bed, but I figure it makes conversation. I don't know why I can't just let us fall into a comfortable silence.
Maybe because I feel like silences between us are no longer comfortable. It's like I feel as if in the silence she can somehow hear how fast my heart beats in her presence. And that in that moment, she'll know.
She shakes her head. "I just couldn't sleep. Mind if I join you?" she nods to couch.
"No, actually, nothing would piss me off more." I cross my arms defiantly.
Spencer laughs and rolls her eyes at me before moving the blanket and sitting next to me. I immediately feel my skin heat up and suddenly I don't feel the need to use the blanket to keep me warm.
"Good. I love making you angry. Now I can check it off my list," she retorts with a smile.
We sit in silence- a comfortable one much to my surprise- both of us distracted by the drama going on. I see Spencer shiver a little and look down at my blanket. "You going to share, blanket Nazi?" she asks as she reaches for the blanket but I pull it out of reach and stick my tongue out.
I laugh as she tries unsuccessfully to yank it out of my reach again. "Nope. You have to suffer, ice princess."
"You're going to let me die of hypothermia?" Spencer asks with a sad pout.
I swiftly grab her hand and look at her intensely. "Never. I'll never let go, Spence. I promise not to drop you into the subzero water and helplessly watch you sink to the bottom as I wait to be rescued," I say passionately, doing my best to ignore how soft her hand is and how good it feels in my own.
"Wow," Spencer says with a loud laugh, "you watched way too much Titanic. It can't have been healthy."
I throw my hands up as I shrug. That was the opportunity Spencer was waiting for. She swiftly grabs the blanket and drapes it over her, giving me a triumphant smile. "Hey you cheated!" I whine as I now try to tug it free.
"The point is I won. But I'm not against sharing. Some of us actually learned that in preschool."
"And some of us learned that stealing is wrong in third grade," I retort.
Spencer gets a smile on her face and I know she's already got a comeback ready. "Isn't that the same time when you learned how to read?"
I laugh and say, "No, you must be thinking of Carmen. Wait, that's insinuating that she can read." This time I have the triumphant smile on my face, and not just because I got to bash Carmen.
She rolls her eyes but her smile belays her annoyance. "I knew somehow her name would come up. I'm starting to get suspicious. I think you talk about her more than I do," she teases.
"You caught me. I mean I already got her in my bed, so now I have to find a way to distract you so I can make my way in there." I gag just from thinking about that. Ew gross!
"Well good luck waking her. She sleeps like the dead. Nothing wakes her up. Nothing," she reiterates firmly.
I put up a hand to stop her. "Ugh, ok Spence, don't give me any images." But it's too late. I'm already thinking of the ways she's tried to wake Carmen up. It's enough to cause me to shudder.
"See you are cold. I bet sharing the blanket is looking pretty good right now, huh?" She gives me a knowing look and then scoots right next to me so our sides our touching and puts part of the blanket on me.
"What can I say, talking about Carmen sends chills through me. And not the good ones," I say quickly as I see Spencer about to comment.
Spencer angles her body so she can turn her deep ocean eyes on me. "Well I know how much you don't like her, and I appreciate you letting her stay over. It really does mean a lot that you try with her." She gives me one of her breathtaking smiles and touches my knee underneath the blanket.
"Yeah I don't like her, but I know you do. And I don't want to keep getting in fights over Carmen, because honestly," I pause a moment as I quickly debate over what I want to say, "I don't think she's worth it."
"Ash," Spencer says quietly, her tone sounding tired.
I throw my hands up in a placating gesture. "I'm just saying Spence, you could do so much better. You're a great girl. You're smart, beautiful, and sometimes you can even be funny," I lightly joke, feeling as if I need to lighten the heavy moment I've created- also needing to stop myself from listing all the things I love about her.
She laughs at my comment about her humor, but it's not enough to cover the blush that has covered her cheeks and the strange look in her eyes. It's a look I can't identify, and it scares me.
"Carmen is perfectly fine," she says after a moment, but she isn't angry, she's just making a statement. "And she sees all those things in me."
"Does she?" I challenge, wondering why I'm so bold this night. Wondering why the darkness in the living room gives me so much more courage than any other time with Spencer.
She straightens up and looks at me with tired eyes. "Why are you pushing this Ash? What are you really trying to say?"
Seriously, what am I trying to say? "I really don't know," I confess softly. "Maybe I'm just finally speaking out."
"You think I'd be with some one who doesn't appreciate me? Do you really think I'm that desperate to be with some one that I would just settle?" Now her voice is slightly angry and offended, and I can already feel a barrier forming between us.
I sigh in frustration. Way to go dipshit. "That's not what I am saying at all."
This time Spencer sighs. "Ash, if it wasn't Carmen it would just be some one else. Besides, she's perfect. She's sweet and nice."
I give her a doubtful look and say, "You sound like you're describing a food dish, not your girlfriend." Spencer gives me a mean look but chooses not to comment. "Do you love her?" I whisper to the blanket. I don't want to look in her eyes and have my fear realized.
"Ash." She goes to shift away from me but I put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.
"Do you?" I whisper again, this time forcing myself to look into her eyes. She doesn't say anything, but her lack of response and downcast eyes tell me everything.
"Are you happy?" she finally asks after a moment.
"Honestly?" She nods and looks at me intensely. "Yeah, I am," I admit. Now I won't meet her eyes.
"You dislike Carmen that much," she says as more of a statement than a question. "And you're glad I'm not in love?"
This isn't going how I wanted. Not that I really had any expectations, but she is taking everything the wrong way. "No, it's not like that at all," I do my best to assure her.
"Then please explain to me how it is, because I can't even begin to understand Ashley Davies' logic." Ok, that was a little uncalled for, but I brush it off.
"It's just-" I sigh angrily at myself for my lack of words. "Of course I want you to be in love."
"But," she supplies slowly, regarding me for any other hints of where I'm going with this. Spencer gets my attention by nudging my side when she realizes I'm not going to answer. "But?" she gently prods.
But with me instead of anyone else. But I don't say that. I don't say anything. Instead I choose to stare down at my lap to collect my thoughts. Spencer turns my face to hers and our eyes meet. Her breath catches as she meets my eyes, and I just know that she's seeing something she hasn't seen before. Maybe something she's not quite ready to see.
"Ash," she breathes out quietly, maybe just to have something to say. I can't decipher if her tone is one of pity or something else. Her blue eyes search my face intently as if she might find more insight that way.
I stand up and give her the rest of the blanket. "I'm uh, I'm going to go to bed. I'm feeling pretty tired." I avoid her eyes. If I make contact, I won't be able to run and hide like I'm about to do.
"Ashley," she says a little louder, stopping me in my tracks despite my whole body telling me to just keep going.
I thought Spencer wasn't ready, but the reality is, I'm the one who isn't ready for this. The heartbreak I feel when she is with Carmen is nothing compared to how this will feel now that she knows.
"What is it Spencer?" I say with my back to the blonde, unable to keep the tiredness out of my voice. "I'm really tired." I try not to sound impatient.
She quietly scoffs, "You can't just walk away and leave."
I turn around and look at her. "So I should just sit down and pretend like I've been doing all along?" I throw out.
"I…I don't know," she sighs. "I just know you shouldn't walk away. I know I shouldn't let you walk away and let this get pushed aside."
Neither of us has come out and said the word love. I think once we do it makes it that much more real. Once we get past that point, we can't turn back.
"What do you want me to do, Spence?" I ask in a defeated voice as I walk back over to her on unfamiliar legs.
"I don't know," she says again.
"Well what do you know?" I ask as I sit down next to her again, making sure that I leave a friendly distance between us- not that it matters anymore.
Again her blue eyes find my brown ones, and I'm captivated by their beauty and slightly taken back as it appears that her eyes are getting closer. "Spence," I say uncertainly, "what…what are you doing?"
"I don't know," she repeats for the third time, and then she puts a soft hand to my face and cups it gently, making my eyes close briefly before they flutter open again so I can see her cerulean eyes.
She's definitely getting closer, and there's no doubt in my mind what's about to happen. And my mind is the only thing that's working, because it seems like everything else has stopped, even my breathing.
"What about Carmen?" I find myself blurting out, instantly hitting myself for my stupidity.
"Ash," she chastises me for ruining this. Almost ruining it.
"Sorry," I say quickly, feeling suddenly very nervous as her face nears mine, as if I'd never kissed anyone before. But somehow I know this kiss will be unlike any others.
And it is.
Spencer's mouth gently touches mine, and I'm so overcome that for a moment, I can't do anything but take everything in. The way her soft, warm lips feel against mine, how sweet she smells, how her hands have settled around my neck to lightly play with the small hairs at the back of it.
Then my brain kicks in and it's saying 'Kiss her back you idiot!'
So I do.
I press my mouth harder to hers and lean into her soft weight. I put my hands on her waist and remind myself to keep them on neutral zones. I let Spencer lead the kiss because I'm afraid that if I make any moves I'll get carried away. A year of loving some one and not being able to do anything about it really gets to you.
I'm sure I make some sort of muffled noise as she opens her mouth and her tongue meets my lips because it all feels so good. Part of me refuses to believe this isn't just one hell of a dream- that this is really happening.
I stop caring the moment her tongue rubs against mine, and this time- for sure- I know I softly moan. Spencer shifts and without breaking the kiss, she turns and straddles me on the couch and presses her weight into me.
My God, she's going to kill me! This is beyond my wildest imagination. Ok, maybe not that extreme, but damn is it good. Her hands are never ceasing as they trail up my sides to my face and back down. Mine are still at her waist, keeping her firmly pressed against me.
She tilts her head and the new angle feels like we're kissing again for the first time. Spencer moans her approval as my tongue once again seeks out hers and I lift my hips up against hers, desperate to have contact to ease the ache that is forming low in my body.
Finally, after what seems like hours and hours of kissing, she finally pulls away, leaving both of us breathing hard and my whole body alive and craving.
Now what do I say? 'Thanks for the kiss. Alright see you in the morning. Oh yeah, by the way, I love you.' Yeah, that's obviously not an option.
Spencer wordlessly shifts off me and sits beside me again. I mimic her silence and stare straight ahead. I'm not going to be the one to speak first, not after she initiated the kiss. And I sure as hell am not going to ask what this means, even though I'm dying to know.
We both continue to stare at the TV, neither of us really watching it. We just need something to keep our eyes from looking at each other and ruining it by labeling ourselves.
So instead we choose to sit quietly and watch TV, each of us secretly enjoying the not so secret glances we steal, knowing that somehow words aren't need at this time. Tomorrow they will be, but tomorrow is not now. And for now I'm going to push everything aside but my feelings and enjoy this moment with Spencer.