CHAPTER 4

Hanna's POV:

Two days and three nights have passed. Emily and I still haven't talked yet, I mean talk-talk. She's always occupied by Santana, but sometimes she just avoids me. I don't know, I want to talk to her, but honestly I don't know what I'm going to say. Considering that it's weekend, she could've made time to talk to me but she didn't.

"I'm just gonna go to the comfort room." Emily said to them. Yeah, she didn't even look at me.

I followed her. "Em, wait up." At least she waited for me.

When we got to the comfort room I spoke. "I think this is the best time to talk."

"Not really. I'm going to pee, if that isn't obvious." Emily said bitterly. Her tone was fine but I can just feel that she's acting different.

"Oh. Okay then. I'll wait for you here." She sighed and went in the cubicle without a word.

"Can we talk now?" I asked her right after she stepped out the cubicle. She walked towards the sink to wash her hands. "Em, are you avoiding me? Did I do something wrong?"

"I just have so many things in my mind right now." Emily said tiredly.

"Are you that busy that you can't even think about me? About replying to my texts?" I know, I must've sounded selfish but she can text Santana with her busy schedule. So why can't she do the same to me?

"Hanna, that's really unfair. I was occupied okay? I texted you once, I told you I was busy."

"Busy with who?" I don't know what got into me. I am annoyed. She told me, she implied to me, rather, that she likes me. But she is so not acting like she does.

"What's wrong with you?" What's wrong with me? I don't know. But I'm irritated by the fact that she prioritizes Santana more.

"I asked you first. You implied that you like me, but right now you're acting the other way around." I said matter-of-factly.

She gritted her teeth. "You told me we'd talk. I know it was Friday then, but Hanna, all I needed from you was a little time. You could've texted him that you'd talk to me first before you go see him, but you didn't. Obviously, you'd rather be with him to do what you always do than to settle whatever is between us." She didn't say it like it was an accusation, it's like she stated the most obvious thing. Which irritated me more because it was not like that.

"That's the problem, Emily. There's never been 'us'. There's just you and me." I said frankly as I crossed my arms. "You never let people know what you think exactly; you never let us in. That it's so hard to understand you sometimes. I mean, I wanted you to insist, Em. I wanted you to tell me that 'No. Hanna, can you talk to me first. I needed to talk to you so bad.' But you never did. You acted like it's not a big deal. Apparently you love your pride more than me." I immediately regretted what I said. I think I was over the top. I know I offended her.

"Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know you like playing hard-to-get." She said sarcastically. "Isn't it enough to tell you how I feel? Do you not know how hard that is for me?" She looked at me with disappointment. "You're supposed to be one of my best friends. I didn't know that I had to beg for your attention to get it." That sting through my heart. I know she has a point. I didn't know what to answer back. I lost all the words I'm supposed to say.

"I'm sorry. I didn't-" I tried to apologize for my words.

I can sense that she's mad at me right now. She took a deep breath. "Hanna. We don't really have to talk about this. Just forget what I said."

"No!" I said immediately. "We can't leave it like this."

"Then say what you have to say instead of enumerating my faults." She raised her voice which caught me off guard. She never uses that tone to anyone of us. She's looking straight at me. Her face softened when she saw that I was about to cry. "I told you what I had to say, don't you think it's time for you to say yours?" she said in a gentler tone.

I just looked at her. "I was confused. I'm sorry. Friday, I didn't know what to say to you. It's just that, I wasn't ready…I didn't know what to say-" I stuttered.

"Do you like me? Or love me, even?" she blurted out. Her face was flat. It wasn't a face that was expecting. It was an expression that someone has when she's facing a death penalty.

I felt really bad. I love her, of course I do. But I'm still not sure of how much. If I tell her that I do, what happens next? Or if I don't, how will she feel? I bit my lower lip. I know that she's hurting right now, and she's gonna hurt until I say something. I'm hurting the nicest person I know and it's not the nicest feeling.

"I love you." She stated with conviction. "That's all that matters to me. You don't have to answer anything. All I needed from you was to listen." She said in her sweet voice, but it wasn't purely sweet, because I can clearly hear the pain in her voice.

Her expression was unfamiliar to me. I haven't seen it before, it was somewhat a look of pain, yet it was a brave one. And it made my heart ache.

"Em." Was all that I managed to say.

She shook her head. "You're the one who suggested to talk. I actually planned to leave it there."

The next thing I know, my tears were falling freely. I can see her fighting hers. I wanted to hug her. Like we always do. Like she always do when she can't find the words. Or she doesn't want to say anything. I feel comfort when she does it. "I love you, Em."

She looked at me with a look of endearment and understanding. "I know you do." she choked. It was a quiet one, like she's crying without tears.

My mind was telling me to pull her into a hug. But my body wasn't moving. Emily, being the stronger one, walked closer to me. She lifted my chin with her right hand that led me to look at her eyes. She managed to smile. It made me even more sober. She's always like that. I can almost feel how much pain she's in right now, but she still smiled for me. To tell me that it's okay.

Then she turned her back at me and faced the door. So many thoughts were rushing in my head, but out of all of it, I gripped the back of her shirt, which caused her to stop her tracks. We stayed like that for a few moments.

By the time that she faced me. There was no longer hurt in her face. "Sorry, MyLove. I was carried away. Let's go?" she said in a bubbly tone. She called me with our playful nickname to each other. I smiled, though I can still see in her eyes the feeling that her smile covers. I nodded my head finally.

Emily's POV:

"What took you so long?" Santana said as soon as she saw us.

"We met someone Hanna knew along the way." I quickly lied. Hanna just nodded.

Santana raised an eyebrow as she crossed her arms. She was about to say something but it seemed that she shrugged it off.

"Let's go, guys." Sam said lazily.

"Go where?" I asked curiously.

"Mr. Schue texted me. He said that there will be no class for today. He's picking his son from the airport." Spencer said continuously.

I nodded my head. "That's good news. I can go home now." I said enthusiastically.

"What?" Spencer said in surprise. "No, Em. We're going to the mall." My eye widened. This is Spencer we're talking about here. Normally she's the one who's so eager to go home.

I would've teased her. But I'm not in the mood. I feel like going home. Today's happening is really tiring. It's these kinds of times that I get tired of pretending; pretending that everything's going perfectly with my life.

"Come on, Em. It's not everyday Mr. Schue takes a leave. You know how diligent that guy can be." Spencer stated.

"It's not a normal thing for you to insist on going to the mall either." I said.

"Well, the more that you should not go home." Spencer rationalized. She smirked knowing that she won.

Everyone was asking me to go with them at the mall, of course except Hanna. She's strangely quiet.

I don't know if I should feel guilty that I'm acting normal, but this is my defense mechanism. I can feel that she is staring at me every now and then. But I try to avoid looking back.

"It's not like I have a choice." I said defeated.

They cheered. "Good. This is going to be fun." Rachel said as she clapped her hands.

Everything seemed to be normal; Hanna is herself again, at least she seemed to be. We played Air hockey; our favorite game. We ate ice cream at 'Mr. Sundae'. We did all the usual stuff we do. Although once in a while I see Spencer staring at me which isn't usual. Hanna as well was looking at me once in a while, but in our recent encounter her behavior is understandable.

And then there's Santana. The whining was recognizable, but I can sense that something's bothering her. She bitches around as usual but she's quieter. So when it's time for us six to part ways I approached her.

"Is there something wrong?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yeah. Definitely." She stated.

I raised an eyebrow. Since she didn't continue, it only meant that it's a serious matter. "What is it?"

"There is something you are not telling me." She stated without batting an eyelash. But I know her too well. I know she's really bothered about that, but that's not the reason she's upset. I just kept silent. When she's ready, I know she'll tell me.

She let out a deep sigh. "What's the thing about you and Hanna?" she whispered. I shoot my head in her direction.

"What?" I said astounded.

"Come on, Em. I know it's not the most obvious thing on Earth but it only takes to know you both to know that there's something happening between you two." Santana said calmly.

"It's not Hanna, generally" I said shortly which left Santana clueless. "Do you know the feelings you always tell me? The things that Quinn unconsciously makes you do, or feelings she makes you feel? I guess I'm feeling it for a long time now. I mean, I do know I was feeling it for a long time now."

"Wait." Santana interrupted as she pulled a little away from me. "You're not gonna confess your undying love for me right?"

I slapped her arm. "Of course not."

She let out a sigh then smiled widely. "Good. Cause I don't know if I can take that in."

I chuckled. "Oh, shut up. I'm trying to be serious here."

"Well, don't act like it's not possible." She said defensively. "Have you seen me?"

"Please. I think you don't have a space for me because your ego is taking most of it." I teased.

"Oh. Touché." She smirked.

"Anyways, you ruined the momentum already." I reminded her.

"Oh come on. Never gonna happen again." She shoots me a sickening sweet smile, literally.

"Okay, well." I didn't know how to start again. But Santana patiently waited. "I'm trying my best to help you with Quinn, maybe partially because you're my friend, but mostly because I know how it feels like." Her face turned serious. I find the strength to continue. "I know how it feels like to love someone, especially a friend. The feeling of fear, the fear of losing someone because of the feelings that you have." She smiled softly at me. I guess she was happy because she knows that I don't just understand her, I also feel her. "That's why I don't want you to just give up. I admire you, you know? For being able to say freely how or what you feel."

She just smiled at me; asking me to continue. So I did. "I know the pain of not being able to express how you feel. And when you confessed your feelings to Quinn, I envied you. But I came to the realization that I should do it too. You told me before that you're afraid, but you still did it because you can't help it." She nodded. "Well, that's how I felt, I didn't think that was the right time but I still did because I can't help it."

"And? How did it go?" she asked concern.

"I don't know how to classify it. But cutting it short; she didn't say she love me back." I said quietly that I didn't know if she heard what I just said.

She looked at me with empathy. I was surprised by her next step. She hugged me. Santana hugged me. I was taken aback but as soon as I recovered I hugged her back. "I'm really glad you told me this."

The thing with Santana and I; we were never good with feelings. We sure have lots of it though. Probably, we are actually great at it, when we think about it in our heads, but saying it to other people is a different story.

Or maybe we are great at feelings, were just not that good at expressing it. That's most likely it.

She was the one that pulled away. "So, you're in love with Hanna? Before college?" I wondered why she assumed before college. "You were in love before I fell in love with Quinn, right?"

"Oh. That's right. Well, yes and no." I answered. She titled her head in confusion. "I am in love with Hanna, now. But I was in love with Aria before you fell in love with Quinn."

Her lips formed an 'O' "That's quite a surprise."

"You think?" I asked.

"I didn't have a clue. It never looked like…Wow. You're so…" she said unbelievably.

"Great, right? I told you before I'm good at acting." I boasted.

"Well, I can't argue with that I guess." Santana said. "Oh, before I get lost, you mentioned earlier that you don't know how to classify it?"

"Mmhm. We're in good terms." I confirmed.

"So when did that happen?" she asked probably referring to my confession.

"At TheCircle. Last Friday." I said briefly.

Another shocked face came from her. "You're really good at hiding things, aren't you?"

I shrugged. "Well, since we're talking about confessions here. Aren't you going to tell me your real problem?"

"Well…" she started. "I've been sending Quinn a few messages for days now." She sighed. "I didn't even get a single reply."

"Maybe she's busy." I tried to reason.

"Maybe. But it doesn't make me miss her less." She breathed.

"Have you tried calling her?" I blurted out.

She looked at me for a while. "No. I'm afraid she won't answer my calls too. So I didn't bother."

"You're thinking too much." I stated matter-of-factly.

"No." she said with conviction. "I'm thinking about her." She said seriously.

I smiled at her remark. I reached for my phone in my pocket.

"What are you doing?" she asked with a warning in her tone.

"I'm calling her." I said.

"Calling who?" she asked dumbly.

I ignored her question and dialed Quinn's number.

"Emily, don't." she tried to stop me. Of course I didn't let her.

"Hey, it's my phone. I can call whoever I want." I reasoned. She tried to walk away just in time when Quinn answered my call. "Hello, Quinn?" She couldn't help but stop her tracks.

She looked at me to see if Quinn was really on the phone. I walked towards her and gripped her wrist.

"Em. Do you need anything?" Quinn asked. I pressed the loudspeaker option.

"No. I'm just checking if you're still alive." I heard a laugh on the other line.

"Yeah, I'm alive and kicking. Though…" her voice seemed to turn pale. "There's so much things to do. And I need to finish these this week so I can go home on the weekend." Santana's head shoot up.

I myself was pleased with her news. "You're going home?" I assured.

"If things turn out well. There's no day that the professors won't leave us any assignments. It's sickening sometimes. Not to mention the daily quizzes." Quinn complained.

"Well, I really hope you can come here on weekends." I looked at Santana. "I miss you. We miss you."

I could imagine Quinn smiling. "I miss you too."

"Uh, Quinn, I have someone with me, you might wa-" I heard an unfamiliar voice call Quinn.

"Em, I'm really sorry. My group mates are here. We need to finish our project soon. I have to go. Sorry." She apologized.

"Yeah. I understand-" she's getting used on cutting me off.

"Oh. Please tell San that I'm just totally busy right now. Bye." The call ended.

As I look at Santana she seemed disappointed. "Well, at least we know she's really busy." I tried to comfort her.

She shrugged. "She could've at least texted me that, so I won't look stupid waiting for her reply."

"Come on. She remembered you." I said in Quinn's defense.

She nodded her head, still disappointed. "She read my messages. But there wasn't a single reply." She said it more to herself than to me.

"Santana," she must've known that I would say something in Quinn's defense, so she cut me off.

"Emily. You don't get it. No matter how busy she is, she could make time to call me or at least text me if she wanted to. I…I guess, maybe I wasn't that important to her than I thought I was." She half whispered. I can sense that there are so many things running in her mind right now.

Times like this, I feel guilty. I always tell Santana that Quinn loves her even though I'm not a hundred percent sure. I always encourage her to pursue her feelings for Quinn. "Are you tired?"

She just looks at me for a while, "I love her a lot, you know?" I nodded when she looked at me. "I'm tired now from loving her, but I'm not tired of loving her. I know after I have my sleep, I'm gonna wake up, still in love with her."

I guess she's right. No one gets tired of loving. People just gets tired of expecting, waiting and hurting.