A/N: Things are gettin' LIVE up in here. Nobody ever said this would all be easy.:) Have I mentioned that Limelight is a superstar beta? Just checking.

There was a lot in Alicia's past that had made her angry. For the most part she was pleased with how she'd dealt with it; her anger had never made her unfair, or out of control, or (usually) even passive aggressive. She was quick to transition from fury, to annoyance, to cool reason.

This time was different. She felt petty. Like holding a grudge. She didn't want to see Kalinda, or talk to her, or even say her name.

It wasn't fair, necessarily; she shouldn't be angry with Kalinda for not wanting to be with her.

Yet knowing she shouldn't did not cool her ire one bit.

She'd had no idea where this thing with Kalinda would or could go. Contemplating it gave her anxiety without fail. But despite having no idea what path she'd end up taking, Alicia was infuriated that Kalinda would take that choice out of her hands. That she would keep them both from finding out where it could lead.

That week at work, she avoided Kalinda as if she were being paid to do it. Some days were easier than others, and just required that she stare straight ahead coolly as they passed in the hallways; other days required their interactions about cases, and Alicia made sure they stayed strictly on topic and ended the conversation as soon as humanly possible – even when she felt Kalinda's questioning eyes lingering on her for seconds afterward, as if requesting some kind of personal acknowledgment.

Alicia refused to give it to her. Not yet.

This went on until the first Friday – maybe because it was about to be the first weekend in months where they didn't see each other. Alicia was ready to go home and was stepping in the elevator on her way down to her car, and suddenly Kalinda was beside her; whether or not she wanted to remember, it reminded Alicia of her own blitz attack of Kalinda after she'd first asked Alicia out for coffee.

Alicia eyed her warily.

"Are we okay?" Kalinda asked sharply, arms crossed in confrontation stance.

Alicia almost burst out into dry laughter. As if 'avoiding' and 'brusqueness' could ever be mistaken for 'okay.' Kalinda was much smarter than that.

"No. No, Kalinda, we're not okay." Alicia hit the ground level button.

It was the closest she'd ever seen Kalinda to pouting – jiggling a little and holding herself more tightly. "I'd expected you to be more mature about this."

Strangely enough, after how angry Alicia had been, she was feeling some form of bitter amusement at the moment; that she should be the one accused of childishness. "You'll have to forgive me. I'm hurt, confused, and a little tired of never quite knowing where I stand. So if I'm not being sufficiently mature, you might just have to give it some time."

Kalinda's face was earnest and Alicia believed her entirely when she leaned forward a little and said with a softer tone, "I don't want it to be this way."

Alicia sighed, resting back against the wall of the elevator car against the sway of descent and closing her eyes briefly. "Kalinda, you know… some things are just the way they are. This isn't what I want either, but I have to deal with it… badly, or not. I suppose you'll have to adjust too."

The other woman dipped her head, obviously unhappy with that particular reply.

Alicia was about to add something else; maybe something snarky about how if Kalinda were waiting for her 'thank you,' it wasn't coming today. But then it occurred to her how exhausted Kalinda looked; even her impeccable make-up couldn't quite disguise the drooping of her eyes – the puffiness of the delicate flesh around them.

"You look tired," she observed quietly, instead. Maybe she had looked this way all week; Alicia hadn't been looking closely enough to tell.

Kalinda's downcast eyes rose at the (perhaps unexpected) gentler tone. She blinked a few times, as if not sure how to respond. Then: "I haven't been sleeping very well."

Alicia's heart did a strong throb that wasn't at all comfortable. They stood in silence until the elevator dinged its arrival on the parking level.

Neither of them moved for a second. Their gazes held, and God, for someone who knew exactly what she wanted Kalinda looked so lost.

And Alicia wasn't ready to feel bad for her.

"Have a good weekend," Alicia told Kalinda shortly, before brushing past her. This time, she made herself not look back.

When she got to her car and climbed inside, she let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding; dropping her head on the steering wheel and trying to forget that just maybe, she wasn't the only one who was hurting.

Alicia had asked Peter to trade this weekend with the kids, for a few extra upcoming weekdays. She hadn't intended on making the request, but the closer this Saturday had loomed the more she just didn't feel like being alone.

On Saturday Alicia took them ice skating at Wrigley and, despite initial complaints of the 'lameness' of skating with their Mom, they ended up laughing as they made slow circles around the rink, Zach gently teasing Alicia about her clumsiness and stumbles, holding onto her arm while Grace showed off by twirling about in front of them.

Afterward they went out to eat at some awful fast food restaurant that the kids loved, and it was worth it just to see them giggling while they had milkshake races like they had when they were much younger.

It was a good day.

Hours later, they came home and watched tv for a bit before Grace got a phone call from Shannon; an hour and a half later, she was still happily chattering in her room.

Alicia and Zach were sitting in comfortable silence (or so she thought), while they were watching some reality singing competition. And then he asked, "Did you finish your work?"

"Hmm?"

"Last Friday. You and Kalinda. Did you get it done?"

She'd almost made herself forget about it, with everything that had happened since that night. "Oh! Uh, yes."

Zach didn't say anything for a minute, his eyes fixed on the garish lights of the television stage.

Alicia relaxed a bit.

"You said you were dating somebody. Is it her?" Still staring straight ahead.

And there it was.

There was no obfuscating now; no distracting, and no pretending that because it wasn't happening now, that it never did. And as much as she had dreaded this conversation, it was almost relieving – to stop anticipating, and just deal with it. "Yes."

He finally looked at her.

Alicia had to tamp back the immediate and instinctive urge to start explaining, and over-explaining. It had taken her a long time to process this without someone trying to push her understanding of what she was doing in one way or another – and Zach deserved the same space to come to his own conclusions.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, as he considered the new information, or confirmation. Then… "Is that why you divorced Dad?"

It hurt her a bit, that her son would suspect her of cheating after everything that had happened. "No. We didn't start anything until after the divorce."

"No." Zach looked uncomfortable; understandably so. "I know you wouldn't do that. I meant… with women…?"

"Oh!" The question surprised Alicia, although it shouldn't have. "No. Not at all, Zach. I divorced your Dad because my love and trust had been too badly damaged by the things that happened with us. It had nothing to do with my sexual preferences." She paused, trying to ascertain how much explanation was appropriate to share with her son, and how much explanation she was actually sure of. Finally, she said: "Kalinda… it's not about her being a woman. It's about her being this woman. And it took me by surprise, too."

Again, with the silence; it was nearly unbearable, but so very necessary.

"You said it wasn't serious?" he asked, when he spoke again.

And this was the question she was most unprepared to answer. "I… don't know what it is. It may not be anything, anymore. This dating thing… I'm really bad at it, these days."

That actually got a hint of a smile from her son. "Do you really like her?"

It almost made her chuckle; he should really be asking this at a time when she wasn't out-of-her-mind frustrated and angry with the woman. "Most of the time, yes, very much. She's something else."

"She's really pretty," offered Zach.

"That, she certainly is," Alicia agreed, almost ruefully; still disbelieving that she was having this conversation with her teenage son. "Smart, too. And fun."

The silent periods were growing shorter now. "When I told you we want you to be happy – I meant that."

"I know that." For all the headaches they had been giving her, there was no doubt that she had raised some pretty fantastic kids. "Thank you, honey."

"I'm…" Zach paused. "I'm not going to tell Grace. Or Dad. If you're worried about that."

"I would rather be the one to tell them about it, if it became important to do so." The thought of talking to Grace about it caused small firebursts of alarm in her already-excitable brain, which was silly because at the moment, there was absolutely nothing to tell.

"Yeah, I get that part." He looked down to his folded hands, still fidgeting. "I really don't know what else to say, I guess. I'm still not sure I get the rest? But… I love you, Mom."

"Oh, hon. I love you too," Alicia sighed, reaching out and pulling Zach to her in a one-armed hug, and feeling supremely grateful for one of the two constants in her life.

Another week of avoidance. Days of evasion and averting eye contact and the exhausting task of focusing on work when her mind wanted to go anywhere but.

Kalinda didn't confront her again. Alicia wasn't sure if she were grateful (because certainly, she didn't enjoy feeling like the bitter, grudge-holding one), or disappointed (because at least when Kalinda was trying to talk to her, Alicia felt like she cared one way or another).

It was stressful and upsetting and not at all conducive to work, which is why it probably shouldn't have surprised her that Will noticed.

Alicia had nodded through his open office door as she passed one day; he was talking on the phone, but held up a finger to her, requesting for her to stay.

Alicia hovered for a second by the door, before he hung up and motioned her the rest of the way inside at the same time.

"Go ahead and shut it," he told her, and she did as he requested, looking curious. They didn't have any confidential business to discuss that she knew of.

"What can I do for you?" She eased down into the chair in front of his desk.

Will sighed, pushing his chair back and rubbing his head. "I'm… just going to come out and ask. Did you and Kalinda have a fight?"

Of course. She and Kalinda had been so friendly at work for the past few months, which stood in stark contrast to the way they were behaving now. Still, the confrontation gave her pause.

Will was looking concerned, rather than nosy, and Alicia felt she was getting worse at lying as she got older, rather than better. So her response was a sheepish, "We may have had a difference of opinion."

The man across the desk shook his head in a way that said, 'Women.' "Alicia. You two work as well together as anybody at the firm. Can't you fix it?"

She was just grateful he didn't press for specifics. "I hope so. Eventually." In a tone that was more hopeful than she felt.

"Would you like Diane or myself to arrange for some sort of mediation meeting…?"

Her face had been downcast, but now her chin popped up as if she'd been electrocuted. "No."

He looked a bit taken aback by her vehemence. "Okay, okay. I just… wish I could help. Obviously, it benefits our work when the employees are on the same page, but also…" He trailed off, before settling on, "It's just nice. That you are friends."

Will was a man with occasionally questionable moral integrity, but Alicia had never doubted that his care for her and his desire for her happiness were genuine. "I appreciate that," she told him weakly, settling back into her chair after that brief moment of horror.

He studied her. "You know, if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm happy to make the time."

Alicia looked into his face; his eyes were dark and warm and caring. There were a few seconds where she had an almost overwhelming desire to just blurt out everything - the whole, sordid, complicated story, just so she didn't have to be alone with it anymore, just so she could get somebody else's opinion. Before all this started, Kalinda had been her primary confidante; now, without her, Alicia felt the pressure of her emotions and confused thoughts building, and she felt full to burst.

It would be a bad, bad idea to burst to Will.

Forcing back the urge, she gave him a strained smile. "Thank you. Kalinda and I will do our best to be professional." And, then, correcting herself: "We will be professional."

Will nodded slowly; maybe also forcing back an urge to push.

And then she escaped as quickly as possible.

It wouldn't have been fair for her to ask for the kids a second weekend in a row, and Alicia fussed for a few days before inviting her brother over, ostensibly to help rearrange furniture for Alicia's apparently expanded redecoration project. After some requisite complaints about giving up part of his weekend to do work, Owen agreed, so long as he was rewarded in the end with alcohol; Alicia felt a huge surge of relief, and then pitiful for requiring someone there to get her out of her own head. Since when had she gotten so bad at being alone?

An hour into the pushing and pulling and bickering and huffing, Alicia was reminded that Kalinda certainly wasn't the only person who hadn't been sleeping well, and was becoming more exhausted.

"You're being even more of a pain in the ass than usual," Owen accused, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand after Alicia decided the location of the third attempt at moving the sofa still wasn't acceptable.

"Am not," she retorted.

"Ooh, good one. You use that objection in court?"

She threw him a dirty look, but merely flopped on the couch dejectedly in response.

Owen wasn't going to argue with a break, so he joined her. "So are you going to tell me what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me," she sulked, crossing her arms.

"You invite me here, which you never do, thank you very much…" He gave a fake-offended look, which she rolled her eyes at. "You're fluttering around like you're trying to escape yourself, and whining at me the whole time. And you look like you haven't slept in weeks."

She thought of protesting, but chose a different course. "I just went through a divorce, Owen. Doesn't that count for 'something wrong'?"

"Nope. This isn't your 'divorce' look." He eyed her suspiciously, then seemed to have a revelation. "It's a boy. I know your 'it's a boy' look."

If she weren't feeling so morose, she would have laughed at the irony of that. Her amusement was quickly followed by annoyance at herself for being so damn transparent that apparently now everyone knew her business just by looking at her face. It surprised her she had any success as a lawyer at all.

"It's him, isn't. Will." He drew out the name, turning it into an insinuation and rubbing his hands together. "I knew it."

Of course. It's what anybody would assume. "No."

"No?" Owen scrunched up his nose, then his eyes widened. "Oh Alicia. Not with Peter again…?"

"No," she responded with more vehemence than she intended.

"Whoa. Okay," her brother chuckled. "So… not Will, not Peter. So many options. My goodness, my big sister's a trollop."

"I hate you," Alicia grumbled, smacking him on the shoulder, but the corners of her mouth were twitching in the way that only Owen could make them do when she was sad or upset or confused.

"Yeah, I hate you too, sis." He put an affectionate arm around her, and she dropped her head to his shoulder. "Tell me what's going on?"

So often while they were growing up, Alicia had felt the need to put on a show of strength for Owen; he needed stability, and discipline, and order to keep him grounded, and being the older one gave her carte blanche to play that maternal role for him. But so much had happened in the past few months that made her question the roles she had chosen to take on, and now for lack of a better option and with a sense of desperation, she let go of her qualms about burdening her brother with this.

"I got dumped," she said miserably, and she felt all of fourteen again, lonely and vulnerable and rejected.

Owen clucked and pulled her to him tighter. "Why would anybody dump you? You're perfect."

"Because I have kids? Because of my life? Which apparently 'doesn't include this'." She made air quotes. "I don't know."

"Wait a minute, this guy broke up with you and said it was your fault for having kids and a life? That's bull. He sounds like a jerk. I don't want you with another jerk."

Alicia felt a surge of unwanted protectiveness. "She's not a jerk. Just… cautious."

A long moment of silence. Alicia could feel Owen's eyes burning into the top of her head.

"Don't look at me like that. You're not allowed to look at me like that."

"No look," he insisted. "I'm just… jeez, sis. I didn't know you had it in you. To, you know… do something different."

"I just got divorced and split up my family, Owen. I think I've already proved my ability to do different." She couldn't help the defensive tone that crept into her voice.

"Okay, okay. Touché. Readjusting perceptions and assumptions now." He gave her a reassuring little squeeze. "Give me the story."

And, despite a stab of guilt that maybe sharing all this was somehow a betrayal of the private Kalinda, she did; from the slow development of their respect and almost-friendship, to Kalinda's surprise request for just coffee on the day Alicia received her divorce decree, to the slow and steady build between them up until Alicia's confrontation, at which point Kalinda seemed incapable of doing anything slow anymore (Alicia spared the details on that point; Owen was an adult, but he'd always be her baby brother). She ended with the tale of their impromptu break-up two weeks ago. By the time it was all out, she felt a bizarre mixture of shame and relief that nearly made her sick to her stomach.

Owen sat quietly through the majority of it, nodding his head and occasionally making sympathetic 'mmm' sounds. When it was over and Alicia dropped her head down in defeat, he finally had something to say. "Well, well. You've had an exciting past few months, haven't you?"

"I don't want any more excitement. I just want to be… if not happy, calm. Content. Is that too much to ask?"

"The waters on the boat-ride to happiness are rarely calm. You know this."

She chuffed softly at his bad analogy.

"So what are you going to do?" he asked her. "Once the dust settles."

Alicia shook her head wearily. "You're supposed to tell me what to do."

"Well. I am a relationship guru; this is true." He gave a rueful grin.

"Maybe not so much, but you're the only one who knows about this, and it's depressing for me to think you have no more insight than I do."

"Alright. Hold on. I'm going to go grab us some… magic insight juice."

While Owen ran to the kitchen to grab beers from the refrigerator, Alicia sunk down into the couch cushions, pulling the fleece blanket that was draped over the sofa-top down and over herself; if she were going to play the role of the dumped girl, she might as well go all out.

She wondered if Kalinda were feeling any of this; this desperate loneliness, the need to talk to someone, anyone about the conflict, the bad feelings.

Likely not. Kalinda was always quieter than Alicia. Tougher. Maybe she didn't even feel very conflicted at all.

Alicia envied her.

When her brother returned and handed her a cold bottle, the top already popped off, he nudged Alicia to the side a bit. "So. This is what I came up with, at first sip. The way I see it, you have two choices. The first is to let it go. Move on. People don't change unless they really want to and are ready to, and your Kalinda sounds… confused."

"Kalinda doesn't get confused," Alicia resisted the notion before taking a sip of her beer, and her brother raised his eyebrows at her.

"Hot, cold, fast, slow, here's a secret, don't ask about my secrets." Owen shrugged. "Sounds confused to me. If she's not confused, then she's just being an ass, and fuck her."

"Owen," Alicia scolded at his language.

"Sorry! Sorry." He gave himself a little slap of the cheek to appease Alicia. "Anyway. Second choice is… go after what you want. This woman has been running the show and making it all about her, whether that was the intent or not. She wants to date you, she asks. She doesn't want to get too close? She puts on the brakes. She's nervous that you're getting too close in spite of everything? She tries to scare the shi— crap," he corrected himself, "out of you by groping you in public places. And when that doesn't work? She breaks up with you. It's not fair. And it's well within your rights to go to her and lay out exactly what you want and need, and tell her to take it or leave it. Because otherwise, I can almost guarantee that she's going to keep playing these games."

Alicia was blinking dumbly at him, losing him after the 'it's not fair.' She had honestly not expected Owen to offer much more in the way of insight into this situation; she had mostly just wanted and needed a sounding board, and a listening ear. But the things her brother was saying were things she had never considered, and – what if it were true? From the beginning, Alicia had dutifully followed Kalinda's lead, assuming that, as always, her cool, calculating colleague knew what she was doing.

She had been so shell-shocked by Kalinda's interest in her – and then again, by her own interest in Kalinda – and then again, by the newness of it all, feeling so off-balance and ill-prepared – that she had barely even considered what complicated and confusing struggles might be going on inside Kalinda. She hadn't even given it full consideration, after Kalinda had told her outright that this was new and strange territory for her, as well.

And now, thinking about it, there were little mysteries that she had just chalked up to the enigma that was Kalinda, which suddenly seemed to make so much more sense, if Owen were right.

Why had the ultra-private Kalinda chosen their very first "date" to drop the bombshell of her past life on Alicia?

To see if Alicia could handle it, to give her a hint of the pain and hurt that might be underneath that cool veneer; maybe hoping that Alicia couldn't handle it, that she would leave and not make Kalinda feel anything more than the uncomfortable feelings she already did.

Why had Kalinda moved so frustratingly slow, when Alicia was almost begging to be more physical, more quickly? When Kalinda had never before seemed to have a problem being physical with anyone to whom she was attracted?

Because she was trying to protect herself. Thinking that if she didn't sleep with Alicia, they wouldn't get as close – and then Alicia's inevitable rejection wouldn't hurt so much.

What had Kalinda meant, by "maybe?"

She meant that maybe this will be different. Maybe even though she'd never truly let myself be open with someone, she could be, with Alicia. That maybe Alicia would be the one to give Kalinda some hope that she could trust anyone. Maybe, despite everything, this wouldn't be a sure disaster.

Why would someone as unsentimental as Kalinda – who'd told Alicia upfront that she'd be gone if things felt too serious – call her 'baby,' and look like she'd walked through the gates of heaven at the taste of her? Why would she make love to Alicia so beautifully and tenderly, then cycle through hot and cold fast enough to make anyone's head spin?

Because…

Kalinda was in love with her. Kalinda didn't want to be in love with her, and was fighting against it with every defense she had – minimizing, repressing, sabotaging, pushing Alicia away – but in love she was, and it explained everything. She was as in love with her as…

…As Alicia was with her.

The realization nearly knocked Alicia's breath from her. Her eyes widened impossibly, and her brother looked alarmed.

"What? Did I say something? I'm sorry. I'm awful at this." He was fretting.

"Oh, no. Oh noooo." She thunked her beer bottle down on the coffee table and buried her face in her hands.

"You're scaring me here."

She bit back a sob at and for herself. "I'm not ready for this, Owen. This wasn't supposed to happen so fast. I was supposed to be on my own and find myself."

"Oh, sis." He scooted over, rubbed her back. "Not that I'm saying that's a bad idea, but… sometimes other people help us find ourselves, you know? And sometimes they do it when we least expect it."

Alicia peeked out at him from behind her fingers, eyeing him warily. "Since when did you get so wise, baby brother?"

"Hey. I might not be a relationship guru, but… I've done this 'falling in love and breaking up' thing a couple more times than you." He ruffled her hair. "Hey."

"Hey, what," she sighed.

"Is she hot?"

She smirked at him, amused in spite of herself and the situation. "Is that important?"

"Yes. It's always harder, when they're hot."

Falling back onto the couch again, she gave a slow nod in the affirmative. "Yeah. She's very hot."

"Ouch. That's tough." He fell back to the cushions too, mirroring her position, and then swung his head to the side to regard her more seriously. "You'll figure it out. I know you will."

She looked back thoughtfully; chewed her lip. "I think I did just figure something out."

She just wasn't sure if she wanted to know it.

A/N: Am I selling you on any of this? Anyone? Bueller?