Yes
Chapter 4: Think About It

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… you give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.

"I hate love."

- Neil Gaiman, The Kindly Ones

The room was pitch black when Midoriya Izuku sat up bleary-eyed and disoriented. His mind scrambled to recognize his surroundings. It took a few seconds to register the absence of the comforting stares of All Might from the multiple posters he hung on his bedroom wall, and another second to realize that he wasn't in his dorm room, and was in fact on the common room couch, wrapped up in a fleece blanket that wasn't his.

He rolled over and blindly groped for his phone in the darkness. Somewhere on the floor, he touched something soft and irregular in shape. Izuku being the way he is, a million inappropriate things crossed his mind as his skin made contact with other skin. He gasped dumbly and retracted his hand as if burnt.

It was at that moment that a warm, orange glow suddenly enveloped his right side. He made another flabbergasted noise as he turned to the sudden source of light. He came face-to-face with a tall figure in a grey shirt and sweatpants, pale skin covered by shadows, one grey eye engulfed in darkness and the other azure one glinting like ice. He cradled a small flame on his left hand, so calm and controlled that Izuku felt like it wouldn't burn to touch it. His other hand held a cup of tea.

"Todoroki-kun?!" Izuku whispered harshly. He stumbled on his attempt to sit up as the blanket that covered him got caught on one knee, causing him to face-plant on the cushions with a dull noise.

Todoroki Shouto didn't make a sound, but allowed one side of his mouth to move upwards in amusement.

"U-um," began Izuku less intelligently than he liked. He didn't always like being naturally awkward, and being around this particular classmate magnified that awkwardness exponentially to a scale of 100. "What time is it? What are you doing here? And, and, we can just turn on the light instead of, of the flame, I mean, it's cool that you could control it, but there's fire alarms, and-"

In an instant, the flame in his hand was gone. Todoroki brought one warm finger over Izuku's mouth, shutting the green-haired boy up and turning his face beet red instantly. "It's 3 AM. The others are sleeping. You might wake them up."

"Ah-!" Izuku instantly covered his mouth and internally cursed his awkward self. He looked at the floor, where Sero, Kaminari, and Mina were snoozing contentedly, each with their own fleece blanket in the same design as the one that covered him then. It seemed that he was fondling Sero's face earlier when he was looking for his phone.

He remembered then that they were working on their biology project together in the common room. He struggled to get his groupmates to write out their parts in between showing funny videos and memes to each other. After all that effort, he watched them drop one by one on the floor like flies. The exhaustion must have gotten to him eventually too; the last thing he remembered was wondering how earth Kaminari thought that the sentence "Given his excessive power, we therefore conclude that the superhero All Might has super All-Mitochondria" would be appropriate in a scientific paper.

(Even though it sounded like a neat pun when he read it at 1 AM. He should forward it to All Might.)

So he must have passed out at one point too. He tried not to feel too tired as he pulled the expensive-looking blanket around him. "So these blankets…"

"Yaoyorozu made them for you. She didn't want any of you to catch a cold," replied Todoroki quietly. He looked at him curiously then. "I think you should move upstairs and rest in your room instead of here."

"No, no... we aren't done yet. I need to…" His mouth opened involuntarily, giving way to a huge 4-second yawn. A new wave of somnolence hit him, and he knew that he wouldn't last very long within the very comfortable cocoon of Yaoyorozu's blanket. "I need to go out and stretch… thanks for the light, Todoroki-kun…" he mumbled groggily.

"I'll come with you," said the taller boy. He waited patiently for Izuku to stumble his way off the couch, tiptoe his way around his snoring groupmates, and lead the way out to the porch. The green-haired boy felt grateful to the darkness of the common room because that at least camouflaged the warmth on his cheeks.

As they went out, the cool air sent a chill over Izuku's skin, instantly making the grogginess fade away. He saw his breath appear in front of his face in thin, white puffs. The dewdrops over the garden in front of the 1-A dorm glistened under the stars and the moonlight, in a degree of brightness that only happened at 3AM. He sat down on the steps and appreciated the view.

He heard Todoroki sip his tea calmly behind him. Izuku was suddenly aware of how his heart throbbed within his living body.

"It's cold, isn't it? I feel awake now, but I also feel like a popsicle." He was clad only in one of his statement shirts (one that said "Flannel Shirt") and sweatpants. He put his arms closer to himself and shivered for extra effect.

"It is pretty cold," came the other boy's usual stoic reply. He heard Todoroki's footsteps behind him getting nearer and nearer. Izuku's heart beat faster than ever.

He gave in to the impulse to blather on to mask the noise his pulse was making in his ears. "It's also really pretty out here, huh? I don't always get to appreciate how pretty everything is under the moonlight. I think this is the first time that I've been out here to just take it all in, and… um… and…"

Something warm enclosed itself over on Izuku's bare arm. He watched wide-eyed as Todoroki gently hovered his left hand over the exposed skin on Izuku's right.

Whatever little brains he had left at 3 in the morning all but evaporated. Izuku's heart felt like exploding. "Um… T-Todoroki-kun, what are you…"

The other boy didn't seem to notice how flustered he was. Or if he did (because the unbalanced way Izuku was flailing the other half of his body should be impossible to ignore), he paid it no mind. His mismatched eyes remained focused on Izuku's arm. "You said you were cold," he answered bluntly, continuing to move his hand up and down.

Todoroki's warmth, but absence of touch, teased Izuku in a way he didn't think would be so… pleasant. His skin was so close, it was just right there! If he moved his arm just a centimeter upward, he'd feel the flame under Todoroki's bare skin, and the very thought of it made sirens go off in his poor brain.

What was this… this thrill that felt like erupting in his chest? He felt like he was awakening to something that will have him rolling over in his futon restlessly in the future. "Yeah… I d-did, I guess… but…" But this is just too good to be true. Is this a dream? Am I actually sleepwalking right now? Izuku's mind frantically ranted, and he briefly considered pinching his cheek.

A brief look of concern flashed in the other boy's face. "Is it too warm? You're getting pretty red in the face."

"Oh! No? I mean, yes, it might be too warm." Cursing his natural predisposition to blush at the most inappropriate times, Izuku waved his arm away from Todoroki's hovering one. His skin immediately missed the comfortable warmth under the boy's fire side. He tried his best to ignore his body's complaints. "S… sorry for the trouble, Todoroki-kun. N-not that it felt bad because you felt really good-" stop, just stop saying gross misleading stuff that might scare him off, Midoriya, you stupid green perm!

Todoroki was now looking at him in curiosity. Izuku bit the inside of his cheek and said, in the straightest voice he could muster, "You don't have to thaw me. I'll be okay."

"All right." Todoroki put his hand back to his side. His gaze shifted from Izuku to the garden in front of them, his lips on the cup of tea on his right hand.

The silence enveloped over them naturally and comfortably. Izuku stretched out his legs before him and considered whether this was a good time now to cut the dream sequence short, wake up, and work on the biology paper that should be ready by 9 AM that day.

But just as he considered standing up from his seat, he heard Todoroki's quiet voice from his side. "Midoriya. Mind if I ask you something?"

Izuku blinked. Todoroki's mismatched eyes were focused on the grass before them, and it was more obvious than ever that something was weighing on his mind. Why wasn't Izuku able to ask why Todoroki was also awake at 3 AM?" "I don't mind. What is it?"

An uncharacteristic look of uncertainty came over the usually confident boy's features. "It's embarrassing. Promise me you'll take me seriously first."

Since when was Todoroki Shouto uncertain about anything? The picture of Endeavor and his flames came to Izuku's mind. He swallowed hard, bracing himself for a difficult conversation and to give his full support. "O-of course I'll take you seriously, Todoroki-kun! Whatever it is, I promise I'll do my best to help you!"

Todoroki lifted his gaze to look at Izuku straight in the eye. His mouth quivered slightly as he mulled over the mystery question in his mind, the uncertainty being more palpable by the second.

"What does it mean… to like someone?"

Eeeeehhhhh?

Todoroki frowned at what must be the ridiculous expression on Izuku's face. "You promised you'd take me seriously, Midoriya," he said in irritation.

Izuku tried his best to rearrange his face before he faced Todoroki again. "I'm sorry… it's just really surprising that you would be concerned about these things, Todoroki-kun. It didn't appear like something you'd… bother with…"

The boy nodded. "It wasn't a problem before," was all he said, even though Izuku gave him some time to come up with an explanation.

The green-haired boy breathed in deeply, his sleep-deprived trains of thought going all over the place. "Do you mean like, as in admiration? Or tolerance? Or… like, being in-love with someone?"

Todoroki's mouth twisted downwards as he muttered bashfully, "the last one you said." When Izuku made a surprised noise, he said with an even voice, "I understand that you might not be the best person to ask. But among our classmates, I think you're the only one who'll give me a useful answer."

"A… useful answer," repeated Izuku questioningly. The other boy didn't reply. Fighting with his own brain to stop imagining scenarios why Todoroki Shouto would approach Midoriya Izuku at 3 AM with such an out-of-character question, he suppressed a sigh and forced out a coherent response. "Well… okay. I don't have a lot of experience either, Todoroki-kun. I mean I haven't even had a girlfriend ever. But as promised, I'll try my best."

He stared up at the moon, mentally asking for some inspiration. "I guess… being in-love with somebody can't be easy. I mean, I think it's wanting to be with someone, looking up to someone so much that you want to be like that person. It's feeling that a person is your strength and your weakness at the same time-"

"Like you and All Might?"

"Wha-n-no, of course not!" Izuku waved his hands frantically in front of him. "I mean… with All Might, it's different. I admire him, I want to be like him, but I'm definitely not in-love with him…"

Todoroki crossed his arms over his chest, a look of genuine confusion on his face. "So… how is that type of love different from… the last one?"

He didn't think that Todoroki would be the type of person to want to hearanswers like you want to touch the person or you want to kiss the person etcetera. It would be too embarrassing to say, anyway. Izuku was sure that that was a grade-school way of describing what love was, and he was sure that Todoroki who was expectantly gazing back at him then deserved a better answer than that.

But really, what did Midoriya Izuku know about love?

He stared at Todoroki's mismatched eyes. Stared at the pale skin, bright against the chill of the early morning. Stared at his red-and-white profile against the backdrop of the stars and the moon against the night sky.

He tried not to stare at the scar marring his face. The scar stared back at him silently and threateningly. "It's… vulnerability, I guess."

The answer slipped out of his mouth before he knew it. Todoroki tilted his head and repeated, "Vulnerability."

"When… when somebody decides that they are in-love with someone… they're opening themselves to the possibility of being hurt." Izuku wondered why his voice got quieter all of a sudden, and wondered where all of this was coming from. "A person can be as daring or as quiet as they can about love, but it's all the same in the end, isn't it? A person, who by all means should be no different from any other person, suddenly seems like the strongest person in the world, a regular miracle on two legs."

The image of pillars of fire and ice engulfing the arena, and of smoke and fog embracing him and his pulverized arms so intimately and completely, invaded his thoughts like a broken dam.

Todoroki continued to stare at him in rapt attention, morbidly curious about how different Izuku's voice must have sounded then. He willed all those images away and continued. "Thinking about them makes your heart feel so full, like… like it'll explode the next second. Sometimes you lose sleep, but sometimes just a single word from them makes it feel like all those sleepless nights are worth it. Sometimes it gets so hard to concentrate but at the same time, thinking about that person makes you want to do your best…"

He clenched his fists involuntarily. He was suddenly acutely aware of all the scars on his own body, most of all his hands, destroyed once or twice under Todoroki's watch. The boy beside him wasn't saying anything, wasn't daring to interrupt, and he felt exhausted, he felt mismatched eyes on him and he felt exhilarated, he felt all his red blood rushing through his vessels, felt them flooding his accursed cheeks. Izuku plowed on. "Love makes you think that a human person, with all their faults and weaknesses and problems, can give you back unconditional love and happiness, even though it's not always gonna be that way… It can be so strong that you find yourself changing in ways you don't expect. Sometimes that change makes you feel stronger, but sometimes it hurts so much that you feel like you want to die. Sometimes so much that…"

He trailed off. His mouth suddenly felt too tired to move, his chest too heavy to carry the burden of his words. He wondered why he felt so inexplicably sad then, and somehow he remembered how Todoroki appeared during the tournament - infinitely sad as he melted the great wall of ice that he himself created.

He seemed so far then, so alone, and all he wanted to do was to be there for him, but he didn't know how. And even though he was there right beside him in the now, Izuku felt the distance and the wall of ice all the same.

Todoroki still wasn't moving those eyes, wasn't making a sound. Not knowing what else to do, Izuku laughed awkwardly. "I don't know what else to say, Todoroki-kun! I'm getting really embarrassed here, can you please say something back? I'm begging you!"

Not a single change of expression perceptible on his smooth face, Todoroki broke eye contact and stared at the empty space in front of them. That small, almost-smile that only he was capable of graced his lips. "That's very detailed for someone without a lot experience, Midoriya. Makes me think you're pining for someone really bad."

"Hey, don't make fun of me, Todoroki-kun! I'm giving you a serious answer, like you asked!" His high tone went back in full force, and he just prayed that he didn't sound too defensive. To his surprise, Todoroki was chuckling quietly, and suddenly Izuku's heart leaped to his throat. "Did you just make me say all those embarrassing things just because? You're so mean!"

"Of course not." The half-white, half-red-haired boy put his cup down on the step next to him. He breathed in deeply and quietly and said, "Thanks for giving me such a serious answer, Midoriya. You really helped me out."

Izuku blinked once or twice and willed all his courage to ask, "How?"

As soon as he asked, Izuku was suddenly unsure if he wanted to hear the answer. An anxious flood of hows and whys and whos took over his already anxious mind, Todoroki Shouto as always being at the center of it. The boy in question looked down on his lap, lip twitching deep in thought.

After what felt like an eternity of silence, Todoroki finally answered, "I promised someone important to me that I'd think about this seriously."

Izuku's heart suddenly felt like lead.

"... and I think I know how I feel about that person now."

Like an anchor made of lead, sinking into the dark, chaotic currents of the Pacific Ocean. "That's… that's great, I guess?" Izuku gave him a big smile out of reflex, as he trained himself to do when somebody's in trouble. But whoever in between them was in greater trouble, he didn't really know. "Great."

Todoroki nodded and stood up. Izuku took this as his cue that their odd conversation was over, and it was time to go back to the dorms to try to finish their homework while fighting the impulse to stare at the ceiling and curse his stupidity until daybreak. As they stepped closer to the warmth of the common room, Todoroki stopped. Izuku barely stopped himself from bumping into the taller boy, and barely registered how close their faces suddenly were when he turned around to face him.

The uncharacteristic uncertainty was back on his face. "Midoriya."

The very sound of the other's voice so close to him made him shudder. "Yes?"

He felt Todoroki's warm breath float to him as he exhaled. "If this… thing we talked about is also bothering you, you can talk to me too. Since I owe you and all."

Izuku blinked in surprise at first. A shaky, awkward laugh escaped from him before he could stop it. When Todoroki muttered "I'm serious" to him in irritation, the boy just said, "It's fine. Thanks, Todoroki-kun."

They separated ways shortly after that, Todoroki completely oblivious and going back to his room upstairs and Izuku sinking back in his new fleece blanket cocoon on the couch. He watched Todoroki's tall back disappear into the hallway before he focused his eyes on the stack of messy papers he had to go through.

"It's fine…"

As he bent over to go back to work, he tried not to think about how cold his right arm felt. He pulled the blanket closer, ignored the pang in his heart, and silently worked until daybreak.

AN: A lot of Deku's dialogue was inspired by Rose Walker's reflections on love (as written above, hehe), written by Neil Gaiman, which is one of my very absolute favorite things ever ever. Of course I couldn't write it as eloquently. T_T This quote kind of also inspired the next three chapters haha. I've been reading a lot of depressing literature lately.
This is my first (published) attempt to write in Deku's POV. I hope I did well T_T
Up next: Momo!

Addendum: to the Guest reviewer who pointed out my pasting mistake... THANK U SO MUCH it's all okay now T_T