Kathryn awoke late the next morning. She couldn't remember the last time she had done that, and marveled at the fact that simply 'hanging out' would be so tiring. As she sipped her first cup of coffee, she decided that she would head to the mess hall again for a quick breakfast.
It was long past a typical breakfast time, and nowhere near lunch, but she was hoping to run into someone who might be interested in a game of tennis or hoverball. So, dressed in a more athletic outfit, she headed out. As luck would have it, the room was empty. She replicated another cup of coffee and bowl of oatmeal with a dollop of peanut butter. Chakotay had laughed at her the first time she'd eaten it in front of him.
She shrugged, "I like peanut butter, and it melts into the oatmeal wonderfully. Besides, it's a great way to get your protein in without eating Neelix's eggs! She settled down into one of the couches facing the viewports and began to eat.
She was lost in thought, the empty bowl of oatmeal sitting on the coffee table in front of her, when the mess hall doors swished open. "I figured I might find you here, Kathryn." The familiar voice of Tom Paris announced his presence. He plopped down on the sofa next to her. "Funny how you can spend all this time socializing in here, and never once make it to my quarters to meet my daughter."
"I'm sorry, Tom. I was worried that I would interrupt her naptime, and I heard that she can be as ornery as her mother." In truth, although she had been concerned about waking the baby, she wasn't really sure she wanted to see the two new parents' bliss over their little bundle of joy.
"Well, she's awake, now, and asking to see her Aunt Kathryn." He took her hand and tugged it, "Come on, I'll show you the way."
Kathryn resisted, "Tom, I'm not sure this is the right time. I was waiting to see if someone was interested in playing hoverball."
Tom made a show of looking around the empty room. "Unless you were planning on playing with a ghost, I think you can spare a few minutes for my daughter." He tugged on her hand again. "Remember, since you've made such a point of being off duty, I am within my rights to drag you down the hallway." Kathryn sighed. There would be no way out of this.
Walking into Tom and B'Elanna's quarters, she was struck by the comforting smell of a baby. She couldn't put her finger on where the smell came from - baby powder? lotion? a mix of the two? - but it was wonderful - and heartbreaking - just the same.
Once inside the door, she hesitated again. At some point in their journey, she'd put away the idea of having a child of her own - especially now that Chakotay was 'otherwise occupied'. She couldn't resist the smiling B'Elanna who held out the little bundle for her to hold.
One look at the scrunched up little face and Kathryn was lost. She had Tom's blue eyes and a lighter shade of B'Elanna's coloring. The most precious part, though, was the tiny set of small, faint ridges that decorated the child's forehead.
"Hello, little Voyager," she murmured to the baby. She rubbed her forehead gently against Miral's ridges, making the baby coo. "Welcome to our Voyager family. I'm your Aunt Kathryn." She continued to whisper to the baby for a few moments more, until B'Elanna cleared her throat.
"Kathryn, I'd like you to meet Miral Kathryn Paris." She smiled and looked at Kathryn pointedly.
"You named her after me?" Kathryn said softly. "Wh...why would you do that?"
"Because without you, she would never have been born. "You're the reason we met, the reason B'Elanna and I are who we are today."
Kathryn shook her head, "You met because I stranded you all 70,000 years from home… And any changes in each of you were done by you - not me."
"As far as we're concerned, that trip through the Delta Quadrant was a blessing. The changes were made possible by a captain whose belief and trust in each of us never wavered."
Kathryn looked back down at the baby, trying desperately to hide her tears. "Thank you, I don't deserve it, but thank you." She spent the next hour or so cooing and talking to the baby - the presence of her parents forgotten.
The parents didn't mind because it gave them a small break. B'Elanna took a long shower. Tom made the bed while he watched a show on the TV his wife had made for him.
Tom looked at his wife. "What the hell is she saying to Miral?"
B'Elanna laughed quietly. "I think Kathryn is teaching our daughter the finer points of quantum physics."
Miral began to fuss, breaking the spell between Kathryn and the baby. Kathryn sighed. "It's time to hand you back to your mother. I can do many things for you, little one, but feeding you is not one of them."
As B'Elanna settled down to feed Miral, she took a good look at Kathryn. "I never realized how good you are with children. I think you've just found yourself a second career as our permanent babysitter."
"I've always loved children. When Naomi was little, I used to ask Sam to let me rock her during nap time." Her eyes got a faraway look. "I loved that time. Such a break from being captain." She roused herself, "I'll keep that job offer on the back burner. I might need it."
A knowing look passed between the couple… apparently the rumors were true. "I'm sure there are plenty of things waiting for you at home… and here on board… if you accept them."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kathryn looked between the two parents.
"They aren't together anymore." B'Elanna said quietly. "It took all of about three days after we got here for the relationship to end."
Kathryn froze. "I… I don't know what you're talking about," she stammered. "Who broke up?"
B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "Chakotay and Seven, of course."
Kathryn pretended to focus on Miral's burp cloth so she didn't have to look up. "How did you know about that?"
B'Elanna scoffed, "There really isn't any way to keep a secret on a ship this size - especially when your husband is the town gossip."
"And you think this matters to me because…?"
"Because that man has been pining for you for years." Tom said spitefully. " Because you are now 'off duty' as you're so fond of saying these days, those protocols you hold so dear shouldn't be an issue."
Kathryn saw red. Is that what they thought of her? That she'd led Chakotay around by the nose, using his feelings for her to make him do what she wanted? Finally, Tom had given her the opportunity to speak… and she sure as hell was going to say what she had hoped to say all those years ago.
She stood slowly, pulling herself up into her full command posture, she crossed her arms across her chest and glared at them. "I am not at liberty to discuss the nature of any relationship I may, or may not, have with Chakotay." She spat her words at them. "And, for the record, it was not me who invoked that little nugget of a protocol."
She moved toward the door. "Thank you for a wonderful morning, and for sharing your beautiful daughter with me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have other places to be right now." She stood between the doors for a moment, holding them open, to relay the message she had waited five years to convey, "Keep in mind that protocols go both ways." She stepped the rest of the way into the hall, letting the doors swish shut behind her.
B'Elanna looked at her husband, "Tom, what the hell just happened?"
"I'm not really sure." He shook his head. "What I am sure of is that my dad is going to answer a few important questions." He headed toward their communicator viewscreen.
Tom and his father had slowly been working on mending their fences from the years before Voyager. The process had been stalled due to the prolonged time Voyager and her crew had spent hanging in space. But asking his dad was much easier, and less time-consuming, than trying to read through all the protocols in Starfleet's manual.
Owen Paris had a smile on his face when he answered Tom's hail. "How is my beautiful granddaughter doing? Is she awake?" He looked around the background to see if he could see her somewhere.
"B'Elanna just put her down, sorry."
The older man sighed, "Just my luck. So what can I do for you, son?"
"I need information on Starfleet protocols."
"Protocols? Whatever for?... Please don't tell me you're planning on breaking any rules… I've read the logs - I know what mischief you've been up to out there." He said with a grin. To the older man's credit, he had found the sense of humor needed when dealing with his son.
Tom laughed. "I'm not planning anything, Dad, I promise. I need information about protocols relating to relationships between senior officers."
Owen gave him a serious look, "If you're worried about you and B'Elanna, don't. Katie officially overruled that when she married you."
Tom was speechless. Overruled the protocol? He'd never even given it a thought - hadn't even realized the marriage between him and his wife would be considered illegal here in the AQ.
But their captain had. They'd never made their relationship a secret. She could have reprimanded them immediately - even forced one of them to step down from their position if they insisted on staying together.
"Er… ah… it's not that - although thank you for that reassurance. I was actually wondering about how one officer could be banned from speaking about the nature of a relationship between two officers. Is that a part of that protocol?"
Owen, sat back in his seat and gave Tom a long look. "Wellll... not technically, no. It kind of runs alongside of it."
"Alongside?"
"It has to do with sexual harassment protocols." Tom's jaw dropped. Owen went on hesitantly - as if he didn't want to talk about the subject. "You know that a senior officer cannot approach a subordinate and initiate a relationship." Tom nodded. "Well, in order to avoid additional harassment from others on the crew, the senior officer is banned from making relationship comments of any kind regarding the… ah… object of their affection - aside from reporting the situation to their superior, or speaking in confidence with a counselor, of course"
Tom was dumbfounded. All these years of blaming her. Now they find out that, not only was it Chakotay that had broken off the relationship, but he had forced her into silence. She couldn't talk to anyone about her feelings, nor had she even been able to defend herself when the crew believed it was her fault that the two of them were not together.
"Tom!" He'd forgotten his dad was still on the comm. "Are you OK? It looked like your mind was lost back out in the DQ."
"Sorry, Dad.. I guess you could say that it was."
His father gave him a searching look, "What's going on?"
"Look, I have to let you go - I have some wrongs to make right."
"OK, but let me know if I can help." He leaned in close to the monitor, "She's like a daughter to me." He cut the transmission.
"He's a petaQ!" came B'Elanna's voice from behind him. "Stay here with Miral." She headed for the doors leading out of their quarters. "I have a tattooed, demented idiot to straighten out." With that, she was out the door. He heard her mutter 'QI'yaH' as she strode down the hallway. He shook his head… It was entirely possible that the 'tattooed, demented idiot' would find himself shoved out an airlock.
Kathryn was at a loss of what to do. She'd quickly become accustomed to 'hanging out' with members of the crew. Her conversation with Tom and B'Elanna had put a spin on that, though. She was sure that Tom would spare no time in spreading the news of her… comments… to them. Facing the questions, the looks (oh, crickets - the apologies!) was more than she felt like dealing with right now.
She didn't want to head back to her quarters, though. She had entirely too much adrenaline running through her system at the moment to be able to sit still. Perhaps she could play that game of tennis she'd been thinking about with a holocharacter.
An idea came to her - one that would take care of two things at once. She would invite Seven to a velocity match.
She found Seven and Icheb working on his academy studies in hopes that he would still be able to attend. Seven stood when Kathryn entered the cargo bay, "Hello, Captain."
"Hello Seven - please call me Kathryn. I'm off duty." She looked over at Icheb where he was still standing at the computer. "You too, Icheb. There's no longer a need for a title between us."
"On the contrary." There was a slight pause as Seven prepared herself to use Kathryn's name. "Icheb is not of the age to use the first name of an adult."
"He's 17 years old, Seven. I think we can cut him a little slack."
"Regardless of my current age, you are of an older generation Captain. It would be disrespectful of me to refrain from using a title of respect, such as Miss Janeway."
Kathryn felt she couldn't refute his logic, but was not happy with being called Miss Janeway by any of her crew (or anyone else, for that matter!). "I'm not comfortable with you addressing me like that. It does not denote the… relationship… the… history… of our… association." Kathryn struggled to find the proper words that would be easily accepted by the two former drones. "Naomi Wildman - and Q Junior, for that matter - refer to me as 'Aunt Kathryn'. Perhaps you could call me that, as well."
Both of them nodded. "That would be an acceptable compromise. I will now refer to you as 'Aunt Kathryn'."
Kathryn breathed a small sigh of relief. "Well, now that that's settled..." She turned to address Seven. "I was hoping you would be interested in a game of Velocity."
"I am sorry, but I am scheduled to assist Icheb with his studies until 1500, then I have agreed to play Kadis-Kat with Naomi Wildman until 1630."
Kathryn was disappointed about the loss of the game partner, but she found she still wanted to spend some time with the young woman. "Perhaps dinner, then?"
Seven actually seemed to blush. "I… also have dinner plans… Kathryn. I am meeting Lieutenant Goronski of the Excelsior on the holodeck at 1730."
Kathryn was surprised - she wouldn't have expected Seven to try something like a romantic relationship again so soon. It had taken her… how long? After breaking William Chapman's arm before she and Chakotay got together. She smiled at Seven. "It's wonderful to hear that you are branching out of Voyager's little village. Starfleet has no issues with… ah... romantic interactions between our crew and those of the other ships around us?"
The young woman stared at her. "Why would Starfleet have anything to do with personal relationships?"
"There are certain situations where Starfleet does have protocols prohibiting that type of interaction. While, technically, none of those can be applied here, there still might be concern about the nature of our interactions with crewmembers from the other ships around us."
Seven gave her a thoughtful look. "You mean, because of Voyager's current status. I will ask Bert during dinner."
"I think that would be a wise course of action, Seven. Now that we are interacting with others outside of the bubble Voyager has been traveling in, there might be different ways that situations are handled here. You might want to check with myself, or one of the other Voyagers until you have a deeper understanding of those differences."
"Thank you, Kathryn." Seven nodded. "I will take that under advisement."
"You are very welcome, Seven. I hope you have a wonderful time. Now, If you'll excuse me, I must resume my search for an opponent - velocity, tennis, hoverball - whatever you think they can win!" She exited the cargo bay letting the forced laughter fall behind her.
Chakotay sat in his darkened quarters with his head in his hands. He'd received a visit from an extremely angry Klingon, who had passed through his doorway yelling. "You miserable petaQ!" Then proceeded to dump every one of her leftover postpartum hormones, followed by every gram of Klingon DNA she possessed, on him. She'd called him every name in the Klingon language, then Standard, and he was pretty sure she'd included a few she'd learned in the DQ.
"All those times one of us pointed out to her how she had loosened or dropped a protocol, trying to get her to see that she could drop the one that was stopping the two of you being together, and now we find out that it was YOU who was the problem! Not her!"
"You pointed out the fact that she broke protocols?" he asked weakly.
"YES! Kahless, we HOUNDED her! For YEARS we have thought she was leading you on, treating you like you were a lost puppy! What's even worse - she couldn't even talk to anyone about it!"
"She must have said something to Tuvok at some point." He tried again.
"I can tell you for a FACT that she didn't! He backed us up a few times! Even a Vulcan saw the insanity of the situation."
"You have to understand, B'Elanna. Seska…"
"Oh, don't you even try to put her in the same category as that bitch of a traitor. Seska was a fucking Cardassian - Kathryn is a human woman who has been left all alone for seven years. One who loves you so much that she waited for you for all that time - only to have you throw it all away with a Borg! Her protege, for Kahless sakes! Possibly the only kind of a child she will ever have the chance to have!"
That cut to the quick. His head was hanging so low, he might as well have laid down on the floor. B'Elanna went on for what seemed like forever, pounding him into the sand repeatedly. Finally, she gave him her own Klingon version of Kathryn's death glare. "Fix it Chakotay. Just… fix it." Then she stormed out of his quarters.
He'd been there ever since. His mind wheeling in circles. He would love nothing more than to 'fix it' as B'Elanna had ordered him to do, but he had no idea how. He could announce to the crew what he'd done and take whatever abuse they wished to dish out to him as punishment, but he wasn't entirely sure Kathryn even wanted this situation to be common knowledge. He could throw himself down at her feet and beg her forgiveness. He suspected she would have given it to him, if there wasn't also the whole debacle of his attempted relationship with Seven standing between them.
All he could think to do was continue on as he had been - pulling her out of her Captain's shell, reminding her - and himself - what they had been to each other at one time. Giving her everything he could, so she would never have to face anything alone again. Somehow, there would be a time when his apology would mean something - when he had given her enough that she once more trusted his words. That was the only way he could think to 'fix it'.
Too embarrassed to be in public, he replicated himself some soup and tried his best to get it down - and keep it there.
Kathryn was sitting in her chair, turned toward the large viewport of her quarters, feet resting on the sill. There was an open book in front of her, but she was looking out at the stars. Always in her past, she had enjoyed the refractive qualities of the transparent aluminum which cut the ambient light from the close moons and suns, therefore maximizing the light from more distant stars.
When a ship was stationary, like it would be docked at a space station or dry dock, she would entertain herself by creating imaginary new constellations. At warp, they streaked by as ribbons of light, creating a mesmerizing display. In the DQ, she had often stared out a viewport at them, enjoying the meditative qualities as she worked through the dilemma of the week. Now, they simply mocked her - reminding her of all the broken promises.
In the early years of their journey, the promise that one of the new entities and phenomenons they had come across would provide them a quick and easy way home. Later, when she and Chakotay had been left behind on New Earth, the promise of a new life with him had given her new hopes. When they left New Earth behind, Chakotay's promises had strengthened her. Regular contact with Starfleet had brought about the promise that every member of her crew was recognized as official members of Starfleet, and due all the respect and benefits that went along with it.
Now, they hung dead in space. In the AQ, but not really home - all the promises crashed into pieces around her. Half her crew discredited, Chakotay lost to her, no easy way home, her ship dismantled. All the battles they had fought and won, the things they had faced alone. They no longer seemed worth the trouble - the sacrifice. Caught up trying to return to a world that no longer had a place for her, all she had left was broken promises. The only thing keeping her going was her own personal promise - she would get her crew home.
She sighed and closed her book - it was pointless to have it open. She hadn't been reading it the entire time she had been sitting there. She slowly got up from her chair - every muscle in her body hurt and she was bruised from head to toe. She'd tired herself out on the holodeck, playing a variety of games against a large selection of holo-characters.
Parisses squares had led to tennis, then hoverball, culminating in a velocity tournament. In a continued attempt to wear herself out so she didn't have to think, Kathryn was considering trying out Chakotay's boxing program when the warning alarm signalled 15 minutes left on her time. Still wanting to avoid interaction with anyone, she quickly exited the holodeck and nearly raced to her quarters.
But, why was she so afraid of seeing anyone? For five years, she had wanted to tell her side of the story. She'd wanted the crew to know that the situation wasn't her doing. She'd wanted to stop the constant insinuations of her reluctance to ease some protocols, while holding tightly to others. Hell, she'd even suspected Tuvok's statements once or twice!
Why did it upset her, now? Kathryn's head dropped. Because it was no longer a driving force - it was a weakness. A captain hell-bent on getting home so she could participate in a torrid romance with her first officer. Someone who had lied to her about his intentions - his feelings for her. Who had gotten involved with someone else.
Crickets, she was a fool of the worst sort - one who trusted everyone's promises to her without question or caution. That naively misplaced trust had landed them where they were now - stuck in space, still light years away from home. She had to gather herself back together, and until she was able to do that, she couldn't face them.
Kathryn was considering the options of calling it an early night and going straight to bed, taking a hot bath to ease her sore body, or contacting sick bay - hopefully reaching the Doctor - to get an analgesic and dermal regenerator, when her door chime sounded. It was probably Chakotay wanting to check on her - she fully expected B'Elanna to have headed straight for him after she left the Paris-Torres quarters.
Of all the crew, he was the one she least wanted to see. She let the chime go unanswered - he could no longer get into her quarters, and she would not be answering his hails anytime soon. The chime rang again - she ignored it again. After the third time, she was ready to tell the computer to place her quarters on privacy lock and silence the chime.
*Bentley to Janeway*
Zach? He wasn't crew - probably didn't know anything about what was going on. Was she hiding from everybody? Or just Voyagers? She was still mulling over that idea, when the hail came again.
*Zach to Katie - I know you can hear me.* There was a little sarcastic humor mixed into his words.
She sighed. Talking to him might distract her from what was currently rolling around in her mind. She tapped her badge. *Go ahead, Zach. What can I do for you?*
*Well, you can open your door, for one. Then you can agree to eat dinner with me while we share the bottle of wine I have in my hand.*
Wine sounded like a good idea - it would ease her mind's somersaults and her body's aches. Zach's company was appealing, too. "Come in."
She was met with a wide smile and a bottle of zinfandel. "Picard 2360 - goes great with anything, or just by itself if you're so inclined."
Yep, Kathryn thought, she needed to spend time with someone not her crew. She smiled back at Zach, "I doubt it would look good for you to be wandering the halls of Voyager in a drunken stupor. I guess I should feed you something." She turned toward her replicator. "What'll it be?"
"Um, Katie? I've heard you aren't very good with replicators. Perhaps I should place the order?"
"I'll have you know that my replicator and I have gotten along just fine for the past several weeks!" She looked over her shoulder at him and smiled mischievously. "Just for that - I won't even let you pick your meal!"
The meal continued in the same joking vein. Aside from the small amount of tutoring, Kathryn hadn't spent much time with Zach while they were at the Academy together. She hadn't been aware of his scathing sense of humor - or dirty mind. It had been a long time since anyone felt comfortable enough with her to tease her in that vein. By unspoken rule, conversations of that nature were avoided between her and Chakotay - it was simply too dangerous.
Kathryn began to get the feeling that Zach had another reason for being in her quarters. 'Is he flirting with me? Is that the reason why his humor has been so brazen?' If that was the case, she needed to nip this in the bud quickly. The last thing she needed was another complication of a romantic nature.
"Katie…"
"Zach..." They both spoke at once. Still uncertain of Zach's true purpose of being there, she waved to him to continue.
He took a deep breath. "Katie, I want to thank you for letting me tease you like I have been. I haven't had that… freedom… since my wife died."
Kathryn was relieved she hadn't gone first. The awkwardness would have killed her. She touched his arm gently, "I wasn't even aware that you were married, Zach. I'm so sorry you lost her."
He laid his hand over hers, "It's alright, Katie. It was early on in the war. I've come to terms with it." He patted her hand and leaned back in his seat, giving her a wicked smile, "But I still miss the banter."
She leaned back as well. "I guess we both just needed to let off some steam tonight. It's really been fun just to let go and chat with an old friend, instead of someone I'm trying to turn into a friend."
"Your Voyagers are a quirky bunch, I'll give you that!" he laughed. "I can't believe some of the things they pulled off!"
"We had to entertain ourselves, somehow!" She shrugged her shoulders sarcastically. She got up to clean off the table. "Is there any wine left, or should I recycle the bottle?"
"Oh, no, we emptied that a long time ago. Recycle away." His response was accentuated by a flourish of his hand. As Kathryn carried the bottle to the recycler, Zach checked the time. "Goodness! I didn't realize how much fun I would have talking to you! I have to get back to my ship - I've got early duty call."
Kathryn got a faraway look in her eyes, "It's crazy, but I miss that… structure… to my life. 'Gotta get to bed, 'cause I gotta get up' just isn't happening right now. As often as I wished for a break during the last seven years, I expected to be 'sleeping in' at Lake George - not here."
He took a hesitant breath, "Wellll… you may just get that chance soon."
She looked at him sharply, the plates she had just picked up from the table still hovering over it. "What do you mean?"
He looked back at her, apology written all over his face. "I have a confession to make… I had a second reason for coming here tonight." He took another deep breath. "It's not common knowledge, but we're getting underway tomorrow."
"Oh?" She spoke hesitantly. "What time?"
"1000 hours. They want to bring the warp engines online at 0800, then give them a chance to get warmed up before they get moving."
She turned away, busying herself with recycling the plates and other dishes she had already placed near the replicator so he couldn't see the single tear slip down her face. She knew what he was so gently trying to say. If she was to be involved with Voyager's movements in any capacity, she would have been notified this morning of a duty call for tomorrow.
But she had heard nothing… meaning that she would not even be expected (would she even be allowed?) on the bridge as Voyager made the triumphant final leg of its journey back to Earth. When the dishes had all been recycled, her hands were free to wipe the tear from her face. She gave herself another moment to compose her expression, then turned back to face him.
Suddenly, a thought occurred to her. "If it isn't common knowledge, why do you know? I've never heard you talk about what you do. What exactly is your position?"
"I'm afraid to tell you now." He looked away.
"Why the hell would you be afraid to tell me what your position is?" She was incredulous. "What are you, Section 31?"
"No!" He shook his head. "Although I think you would, perhaps, trust me more than you will if I tell you the truth."
Kathryn crossed her arms in front of her, "Well, now you're going to have to tell me. And, for the record, trust is an overrated, overused word. It has no meaning to me anymore."
Zach gave her a hard look. "Katie, I need you to understand that absolutely everything I have said and done has been honest and above-board. Never once have I done anything with an ulterior motive." He sighed deeply. "I am engineering advisor and primary aide to Admiral Kawaoki."
Kathryn's mind went blank. "Admiral…?" She tried to process what he had just said.
"...Kawaoki."
"But he's…" She looked at him in shock.
He nodded apologetically. "...the man who shut down your ship, segregated your crew, and… is trying his best to discredit you." He finished for her in a quiet voice.
She sat there with her mouth hanging open in shock. "Zach?"
"Please, Katie. You have to believe me. I never did anything underhanded with regards to Voyager. I never lied to you or spied on you or your crew. I never told him any of the secrets I may have heard. I used some of what I saw and heard here to try to get him to change his mind, but that's it. I promise you, that's all I did."
There it was, again. Promise. One word - just one simple word - that had brought her world down around her knees. Her eyes went cold, her spine straightened, and her voice went low and deadly. "I don't have the greatest track record with promises, Zach. Yours has come one broken promise too late. Thank you for the information, but I think we are done here."
"Katie, please…"
"Goodnight, Zach. Enjoy the flight home." She turned on her heel and stalked into her bedroom, leaving the man standing dumbfounded in the middle of the room.