Rejection Twice Removed

"He? Who is 'he'?" The taller man chuckled throatily and he looked down at the strawberry, staring directly into sienna orbs.

"'He', is my boyfriend," and Renji watched as Ichigo's eyes bulged from their sockets.

X:~/~:X

Ichigo's eyes bulged from their sockets, and he concluded that his heart had skipped way too many beats to still be beating. His mouth hung open like a fish on a fishermen's line. The blood in his face felt like it had completely drained as he began to feel lightheaded.

Renji frowned at his predictable reaction. "W-wh-what?" Ichigo sputtered.

"He's my boyfriend." Renji repeated, the overwhelming joy in his reiatsu having dissolved considerably.

"Wh-who…Who is that in there?" As soon as the question fell from his lips there was a knock on the door.

"C'mon." Renji called out, and Ichigo watch in horrified anticipation as the figure behind the door slowly, painfully, pushed the door open, and whatever remaining fluids in his body that kept his mind forming coherent sentences, syllables, had cleansed from his person.

Shock wasn't the word that could describe this unbelievable feeling that overtook him in its suffocating embrace. Horror came close to describing the painful ache in his heart, but it wasn't strong enough. Lost, more or less summed up this dreading sharp sting in his chest. He was lost; at a loss for words, air, and comprehension.

"B-Bya-kuya." Ichigo whispered, his throat hoarse with disbelief. It couldn't be him. It isn't him. It can't be the Sixth Division's Captain standing before him right now. His eyes were playing tricks. Losing his spiritual powers must really be doing a number on him, a lot sooner than he'd like.

"Kurosaki Ichigo," came his velvety voice, and the youngest shinigami gasped rigidly. That voice…this can't be true. He turned stiffly to look at him with those same unruly broadened eyes. There he was, Kuchiki Byakuya, but he just couldn't believe it

…it's a joke. He tried convincing himself, and the more he told it to himself the more he believed it until he released the breath he hadn't before known he'd been holding this entire time, the color returning to his flawlessly porcelain face.

"This is a joke, right?" Ichigo turned to Renji with a smirk. He watched as Renji's frown deepened, but he ignored it. "It was a good one. I actually believed it for a second." He heard Byakuya hum wistfully, and Renji turned to look at him as if communicating an unasked question.

"He thinks we're not together." He told the stoic man. Byakuya looked to the orange-head, unflappable, noting the boy staring at him in turn.

"I don't have time to contrive jokes in my spare time. What he tells you is true, believe it if you wish." His eyes lingered on the orange haired shinigami short while, reading his incomprehensible visage, and then he looked to his mate, perceiving his mournful countenance as the redhead's gaze burned into the floor, and silently he walked over to him. He lifted his head with his finger by his chin, looking him deadpanned in the eyes, calculating before he placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Ichigo watched as Renji's sagging face turned into a small smile. "That's too filthy an expression for such a beautiful face." Byakuya endeared before placing another chaste kiss on his lips.

Ichigo gasped for air. Byakuya not only kissed him once, but twice, and Renji allowed both openly and even smiled the first time. This is surreal. What the hell did I just witness?...Can things can't get any more confusing at this point…

"I'm going to eat and then finish some of my work." The source of Ichigo's confusion educed, talking to his tattooed infatuation. "Call me if I'm needed." He said and placed yet another kiss on those supple lips he dreamed about. Renji nodded before his mate dismissed himself.

Renji turned to his friend, seeing him gasping and choking on the air he was supposed to be inhaling. "Ichigo, calm down." He patted him on the back, but the oranget was starting hyperventilate. "Ichigo!" No response. "Ichigo!" He grounded and smacked him across the face, briefly grasping the boy's attention. "Breathe, damn it!" He growled, scolding his stubbornness to even breathe and not kill himself.

The younger took deep and slow breaths, Renji waiting patiently until his collected himself. "Oh my god." Ichigo breathed, his eyes still broadened as they shifted aimlessly from one object to another, undecided on what he wanted to focus on. But he knew it had to be anything but Renji, but the boy was the most interesting in the room, especially now.

"Ichigo…calm down," Renji said lowly. "…please," his voice was so dejected, as if he'd just faced rejection, and Ichigo stopped. He had never heard his pineapple say please before, not to him anyways. What the fuck had been going on for those three years? He thought Rukia had been keeping him posted, but apparently more was happening then she even knew, or noticed, but he willed himself to settle down for his friend's plea.

"Renji," Ichigo started once he was able to think subtly. His voice was still shaky with hurt, but he was working through it. "Can we get out of here?" He asked, unevenly.

The tribally marked shinigami looked around as if he just remembered they were still in his bathroom, and Ichigo was still naked in his tube filled with water that he was certain was cold by now. "Oh, yeah." He said before getting up and then helping Ichigo out of the tube and grabbing another towel to wrap around his waist.

X:~/~:X

Ichigo sat silently at the head of the bed, fully dressed in nightly garments Renji had let him burrow to sleep comfortably in. He sat alone, the only source of light being a few small candles on the nightstand and around the room on the dresser and desk in the corner. His zanpakuto was leaning against the side of the desk.

He stared distractedly into his lap, his mind churning a mile a minute. He had been fantasizing and dreaming that one day the redhead would be his lover, only to find out that he was dreaming of a taken man; taken by Kuchiki Byakuya no less.

So he sat alone in his room for the week, contemplating, scrutinizing, wishing, and dreading for some happy ending that he knew wouldn't come for him. When shinigami loved each other, that love seemed to carry on forever considering how long they live in the Soul Society. And Ichigo knew they loved each other, or at least Renji loved Byakuya, because with a single kiss, his spirits were lifted, not to mention how excited he got when the man only walked through the door.

Ichigo concluded that he'd die old and alone. I still can't believe this…if I had known he was…if I had a sign that he was that way, my way I would've been told him…but now, now I…I don't even know if I should even be here right now. This is confusing…and now every time I see him I think of…

"Byakuya." Ichigo looked up and saw Renji holding a plate and a glass of water as he used his feet to push open the already ajar door and close it. "…thought that you might be hungry."

"Yeah." Ichigo said absently as he looked back down into his lap.

"Huh?" Renji stopped and looked at him, frowning from the expression he saw. It looked like confusion mixed with regret, pain and rejection. His eyes were untamed on the sheets that covered his lap whilst they spaced out into another universe, and his shoulders were slumped over in a defeated fashion. The redhead sighed.

"It's nothing…I was only thinking aloud." His best friend answered monotone. His voice was a tone that Renji couldn't quite place. It was sorrowful without a doubt, and it seemed to hold a little anger twinge in it somewhere, but there was also something else, something lost in the creases of his own pain.

"I'm sorry, Ichigo." He said softly, apologetic. He placed the water and plate on the nightstand before opening the drawer and taking out a bottle. He unscrewed the cap and shook out two capsules. He placed them atop the nightstand as well. "Make sure you take these —"

"Don't tell me what I have to do!" The younger one snapped. He cut his head up at Renji so swiftly a sharp pain shot through the back of his neck. He glowered menacingly at the redhead. He actually didn't know why he was angry. He really didn't know. He didn't want to be, but he felt he should, or rather he had to be upset. Probably because he waited so long for him, but now someone else has what should be his.

Renji was startled by his outburst, flinching back slightly when he saw the fire blazing intensely in his eyes. They were red and glossy as if he'd been crying, or was on his way down that road, and the flame surrounding the candles didn't make him look any saner. "All this time I wasted!" Ichigo was beginning to shout, and Renji hadn't know if his friend noticed it or not, but those words pained him more than he allowed himself to show.

Instead of responding, Renji walked over to the dresser and put out the candle with his fingers, his body moving around numbly, his eyes downcast as Ichigo continued to lament his anger. "Who the hell do you think you are, huh? After everything…"

"Be sure to drink the water…"

"Why would you do this to me? You're so…" Renji walked over to the dresser and put out the candle. They were talking over each other. Only hearing fragments of the others words before they cut in with their own. Renji tried to remain calm as Ichigo was shouting at this point.

"You should eat something before you take the pills…"

"What have I done to you, Renji? Why me of all people. I'm damn sure you knew how I would feel about this. When have I ever hurt you like this?" Renji stopped at the door, staring down at his feet, willing the tears that were threatening to fall to recede as he balled his fist tightly to his side. Ichigo seemed like he was finished because all he could hear was his heavy breathing behind him. Renji took a second to recompose himself as much as he could before speaking again.

"If you don't eat all of it —"

"I don't fucking want it!" Ichigo bellowed as loud as possible, and the next thing Renji heard was a loud thump against the floor and a sound that reminded him of shattering glass. He didn't need to turn around; he had already known what happened. He had already known that Ichigo tossed the plate of food against the floor in his tirade.

Ichigo noted Renji shaking visibly as his anger refused to alleviate, even after his lamenting invective. His nostrils flared and his breathing was laborious. Then the redhead turned around and all the rage pent inside of the younger shinigami washed away as he stared into glossy, caramel eyes, quivering under the weight of his emotions…or was it Ichigo's emotions that made them quiver under the pain sentiment of his outburst? Tremors were beginning to wreck the beautiful body standing before him, but Renji refused to let tears fall. He knew he was trying his damnedest to keep from falling to pieces and exploding.

"Renji," Ichigo called softly. "I'm —" the boy assumed that something inside his friend had snapped because he exploded in the next instant.

"I'm fucking sorry, alright!" He yelled, and his tears began to fall from the fuel of his rage. "Ichigo I'm sorry I hurt you! I'm sorry I did this to you! I'm sorry it had to be that you cared so damn much!"

"Renji —"

"I'm just so fucking sorry that I am who I am!" Ichigo's heart stopped. Why would he say something like that? He thought. "I'm sorry that I'm gay and not the friend you thought I was." Ichigo's eyes widened. What? What the hell is he talking about? What does that have to do with anything? "And you know something else? You did everything! You are the reason I am this way! You're the reason I'm gay, because before I met you I actually liked Rangiku's breast, but now I don't even want to look at them!" Ichigo's eyes widened further. Is he saying… "You wanted to know what you've ever done to me, then that's it…that's what the fuck you did to me, Ichigo! You made me this way!"

He couldn't fathom it. That feeling of being lost was overtaking him again. He couldn't think of a word to say, he couldn't even think of his own name. The sight of Renji just as he was only moments ago was terrifying; his nostrils flared and his eyes harboring a flame that could easily be taken as pure hatred.

Renji tried recollecting himself. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Ichigo willing himself to remember how to speak and form understandable sentences while Renji took deep wholesome breaths to pacify his internal battle.

Once his wrath was unfolded and his seething had ceased, Renji looked to the floor and his face skewed into a scowl at the food wasted. He took another deep breath before he grumbled and turned back to the closed door.

"…Renji," Ichigo called in one last desperate attempt to apologize, but was silenced when the redhead put his hand up and shook his head.

"Don't say anything." Renji replied, his voice still holding some sort of anger but for the most part was soft, nearly a whisper, and he walked out.

Ichigo was left musing over his stupidity. What the fuck is wrong with me! He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, ignoring how much it hurt. Why did I just go and blow up like that? Then he heard the door creak open and he dropped his hands from his eyes.

He saw the inked Shinigami walk in with a clean towel and a garbage bag and he stilled, watching as he moved over to the mess on floor and drop to his knees beside the bed before cleaning it up. "I…sorry about that," the oranget said, and got a grunt in reply.

"It's fine." Renji growled, a scowl on his face as he continued his ministrations.

Silence fell between them again.

"Look, Renji —" the redhead stopped and huffed, as if fed up with the young shinigami.

"Just don't say anything, alright?"

Ichigo sighed. He deserved Renji's anger. He deserved all of it, and he knew he did. But he really wanted to talk about what happened. "I want to talk about this." Ichigo said, scowling. If Renji didn't want to talk about it then he didn't have to, he could listen. "You don't have to say anything, just listen."

"God!" He shouted lifting to his knees, glaring at the boy. "Why are you so stubborn? Just leave it alone!"

"No! I won't leave it alone!" Ichigo shot back a glare equal in intensity. The older groaned before shaking his head and going back to cleaning up Ichigo's mess. "Look, I'm sorry I blew up like that… I didn't mean to. I don't know what happened."

"Yeah, okay." Renji rolled his eyes.

"I'm serious. I didn't. And you being gay," he heard the redhead growl. "I don't care about that either." Renji stopped. He looked up at the berry. "I don't care, Renji. Not at all." The tattooed male hummed and turned back to the mess, finishing up and tying the end of the bag.

Ichigo stopped and watched as he stood, and they locked eyes. After a while Ichigo noted the small smile tugging on his lips, and then he turned and started for the door.

"Wait." Again he was silenced when Renji put his hand up.

"We'll talk about the rest tomorrow." He said.

"But you and Byakuya…When? How?" Ichigo asked, anxious, questioning himself if he actually wanted to know before concluding, yes, he did want to know. He needed to know.

Renji turned around, a smile spreading across his face.

"We'll talk tomorrow morning…I promise, okay?" Ichigo hesitated but eventually nodded. He really wanted to know now, but he guessed he put Renji through enough for one night. "Na take the damn pills before I shove 'em down yer throat." Ichigo was taken aback by his terrible grammar and the smile bloomed acros his face.

Renji turned and walked out, Ichigo looking at the closed door. He grabbed the glass from the nightstand and the pills, swallowing them easily when he guzzled the water down. He put the empty glass back on the dresser before pinching out the small flame by his bedside and settling comfortably under the sheets.

…Amazing. Ichigo thought as he tried to think of words to describe the redhead. Despite everything he had shouted out at him and attacked him with he managed to smile in the end. Then his next thought bared a heavy burden. The weight so intense it hurt to think of the answer. Could I ever be what he needs? Do I deserve someone like him?…Ichigo stayed up wondering, wishing…praying that the answer wasn't what he felt it was.

X:~/~:X

"I'm guessing you heard?"

Byakuya looked up from his paperwork at his mate standing in the doorway of his study, fidgeting. "I did. You were both rather animate." He looked back down at his work, writing mysterious kanji symbols here and there. "I'm assuming everything is settled now?"

"Not exactly." The redhead moved further into the room. "Why'd you let me do this to myself?" Byakuya's obsidian eyes stared calculatingly into maroon colored spheres. He stopped the motions of his brush against the paper and put it down, beckoning him over. Renji moved over to him and behind his desk. Byakuya pulled up another chair and the man sat down, and the older turned to him.

Renji felt the cold touch of his hand over his own warm flesh and it sent a shiver through his body as Byakuya took his hands into his own, and looking directly into his eyes. "If you can't take him being here, I'll gladly send him away." Renji shook his head.

"No. I need to know…I need to know if I still love him. I don't want to keep wandering 'what if', or regret anything."

"I understand…you are strong Abarai." Renji smiled. As long as they've been together he still couldn't get his Captain to call him by his first name. At least he doesn't put any prefixes behind it anymore. "You'll get through it…and if you can't, then I'll make him go, with or without your consent."

"I know," Renji whispered, looking down at his mates hands covering his, and marveling at how perfectly they fit together. Byakuya kissed his lips before sitting back in his chair. Renji stood up, knowing Byakuya was about to get back to his work. He placed the chair back wherever it went before walking towards the door and stopping midway.

"Are you coming to bed?" He asked, already knowing the answer.

"Shortly. I need to finish the last packet." The redhead wasn't surprised. Every time his Captain attained a large stack of paperwork to complete he'd always try to finish as much as possible, and get it all out of the way sooner than later. It was no surprise, and it didn't upset him because it just meant that they'd spend more time together when he finished with it. But right now he needed to be held and comforted. He refused to admit how much it hurt when he put his work ahead of him, but he understood. He had no choice but to understand. He was his mate, but he was also still the Captain of an entire division.

Renji wouldn't ask him to shirk the duties he had to fulfill for everyone else because of him. What needs to be, done needs to be done, and he had to live with that. "Okay. Don't be up too late." Byakuya hummed, but Renji already knew he wouldn't be coming to bed tonight and that he'd be gone before he got up in the morning…but it was okay, at least he had to feign as though it was and convince himself of that lie.

The redhead started for the door again. "Abarai," he heard him call, and stopped, but never turned around. "If I ever see a look like that on your face again because of him, I can't promise that he will remain intact long enough for you to discover what it is you're trying to discover." Renji smiled as he waited a few moments in the doorway in silence.

"Come to bed," he said softly.

"Shortly." Renji chuckled. He figured he'd give it another shot, again already knowing the answer. He walked out the door and cut the corner to his and Byakuya's room. He changed into sleeping garments and climbed into his bed as thoughts plagued his mind, preventing him from getting a wink of sleep.

He stared motionlessly out the window into the night sky. Another lonely night with my boyfriend. He scoffed at the thought. How moronic. He allowed a sigh to press pass his lips and he closed his eyes. He figured he'd try to sleep, knowing it wouldn't happen tonight just as it hadn't the night before, or before then.

His life seemed to be routine as he suffered through yet another sleepless night.