Fighting the Darkness

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Chapter 4: Seeing the Light

Ducky entered the morgue early in the morning… very early in the morning. On his way to his desk he fleetingly registered the body lying on one of the tables. But there was something unusual about that body… it was breathing…

"Jethro, I certainly hope that you didn't spend the night here." He said with a slight smile while he went on with his morning routine in the darkened morgue.

"Well, Ducky", came the husky reply but not from his friend. "I can assure you that he had not spent the night here." The ME stopped mid-movement and slowly turned towards the voice.

"Ziva, my dear, what are you doing here?" He asked his visitor clearly surprised. Ziva sat up on the table and stretched her stiff muscles.

"I was just waiting for Abby to get me some results and I just thought that I might as well come down here… to think." The Israeli woman almost looked sheepish as she explained her presence. Ducky gave her a small smile than continued making his morning tea. After the water had begun to boil, he produced two cups and went to sit down in front of Ziva, who hadn't moved from her sitting position. Apparently she hadn't got ahead with her thinking as she looked quite troubled for the ME.

"Well, my dear, I am all ears if you feel like talking…" Ducky offered and Ziva was about to protest when he stopped her. "…but, of course, if you just want to sit here and drink a cup of tea with my old self in companionable silence, it is alright with me as well."

Ziva smiled gratefully at her old friend while she took the offered cup then they settled into a comfortable silence. For a while the only sound that could be heard in the dark room was the clattering of the spoons in the cups.

"I think that I am in love, Ducky." Ziva stated solemnly as she studied her reflection in the dark liquid.

"You think?" Ducky chuckled slightly. He was glad that Ziva had started a conversation after all.

"Well…" She sounded uncharacteristically unsure as she looked up at her companion. "I know that I am in love… but it is so complicated, Ducky."

"Is this feeling mutual?" The old man inquired curiously while Ziva returned observing herself in her cup.

"Yes, I think so."

"Then there is nothing complicated about it, Ziva."

"You could not know that." Her voice now sounded harsh as she snapped up her head but, almost instantly, her expression softened and looked at Ducky apologetically. "I am sorry, Ducky. I did not mean to snap, I just…"

"It's alright, dear, just tell me, what do you find so complicated?" His voice was warm and kind and Ziva couldn't help pouring out her heart to the man sitting in front of her. In a way, she was glad that there was somebody to listen to her.

"I feel so conflicted, Ducky." She began slowly in a low voice not really sure of herself, but after looking up at Ducky, she pulled herself together and continued. "You know that in Somalia I was ready to die, I did not even think about surviving it. And yet, here I am. And I do not know what to think of myself. After I had stayed in Israel, I had to face some things and none of it was pleasant. I had to realize who I really am. I am a bad person, Ducky, maybe worse than my father. But I accepted it. That is why I went to Somalia. It offered me a way out… But now it is all gone, and do not misunderstand me, I am happy to be back here… with my family." Here she smiled when the doctor reached out to take her hand. "But now I have to live with myself day after day. I am trying so hard to move on, to forget all the things I had done but it is so difficult and no matter what I do, I am still disgusted with myself. You see my point, Ducky?" She searched the man's eyes for confirmation. "If I do not know how to accept what I am, how can anybody else do that?" As she posed her final question, Ducky felt his friend's desperation so he stood up and stepped next to her, pulling her into a half hug.

"You know, my dear…" He began whispering into her hair with a small smile. "If there is a person on the planet, who is able to accept everything you are, Jethro is that person."

At the mention of her boss' name, Ziva's head instantly snapped up and looked at the ME as a deer caught in the headlight.

"How…" She began dumbstruck.

"Now, I hope you didn't think that you could fool this old man, Ziva, did you?" He chuckled maintaining his hold on her shoulder. Ziva couldn't help smiling at him then leant her head back to his shoulder.

"What shall I do, Ducky?" She sighed.

"Well, I have a feeling that our Jethro is just waiting for you to decide what you want so I suggest that you should not hesitate any longer. Talk to him. And let time take care of the other things. I'm sure that if you are ready, you will let the past go and you'll be able to see that beautiful warm-hearted young lady whom we all see in you." Ziva smiled at the warm words of the doctor. "And until then, my dear Ziva, you know that we can see our better half in the other's eyes…" With that Ducky placed a gentle kiss on her head and let her go.

Ziva hesitated for a little while but then she slowly climbed down from the table and after a warm hug and a 'thank you', she left the morgue.

Ducky watched as she left with a smile on his face. Somehow he had a feeling that everything would be just alright…

Ziva hastily stepped into the cool apartment seeking refuge from the hot Syrian sun. The curtains were closed and she welcomed the semi-darkness. The last few days were quite stressful and now that the mission was over, she began to feel the exhaustion hit her with full force.

She quickly threw her purse down on the couch and with the same movement she reached up behind her head and began to take off her hijab. When it was off of her head she let her hair loose and sighed in relief. Well, playing the part of a Muslim wife wasn't an easy task…

After grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, she made her way to the bedroom to change. She was in a pair of denim shorts and her bra when she passed the mirror on her way to grab a tank top. When she caught a glimpse of herself in it, she stopped and stared at her reflection.

Ever so slowly a dreamy smile appeared on her face and her hand went up to rest on her still flat belly. She still found it so unbelievable that there was a child growing in there. Among all the cruel things of the world that she and Anwar had to face day after day and after all those lives they had to take, they had managed to create one… Her smile grew even wider as she was thinking about her unborn child but it was quickly replaced by a worried frown.

Faintly she heard the front door open but she didn't make a move. There was only one person who could cross that door without warning. And sure enough, moments later she could she her lover's form appear in the bedroom door. The tall dark man stopped there for several minutes just watching the woman in front of the mirror then stepped behind her and sneaked his arms around her waist pulling her closer.

"Marhaban, my love." He breathed into her neck as she melted into him. "Something on your mind? You look worried."

"I am worried, Anwar." She told him. "What will happen when my father finds out about us… about the baby?"

"Well, he will be one pissed off son of a bitch." He answered chuckling slightly but Ziva looked at him scandalized. "Sorry, my love, but you know what I think about that...." He didn't get to finish his thought because Ziva spun around in his arms and put a finger on his mouth giving him a warning look. Anwar smiled at his lover's stubborn protectiveness of her father. He kissed the finger which rested on his lips then turned around and went to lie down on the bed.

Ziva grabbed a tank top from the wardrobe and joined him on the bed wrapping herself around the man. For a little while they just lay there in silence but then Ziva spoke up.

"I was serious, Anwar. I am really concerned about his opinion."

"I know, Ziva. Believe me, I know." He pulled her closer. "And Ari and I have already talked about our situation." Surprised, Ziva lifted her head to look at the man.

"What did you talk about?"

"The possibilities… You know very well how the Deputy Director will react when he finds out that his daughter has fallen in love with a Muslim man."

"Anwar, it is not about religion…"

"Maybe not for you, my love…" Anwar stoked her cheek affectionately and Ziva leant into his touch as if it had the power to make her forget all about her problems. "…but your father cannot see beyond his grand mission and I know that you will tell me that I am one of his men but it is just an insignificant detail… and you told me yourself, you are worried, too."

For a while Ziva just looked into the loving dark brown eyes which were regarding her patiently. She was desperately trying to make sense of her confused thoughts. On the one hand she couldn't imagine her father not being happy for her, after all Eli David wasn't only her superior but he was her father, too… But on the other hand, she knew all too well what her father thought about the Muslims working for Mossad…

Finally she sighed sadly not being able to make any sense at all.

"Why does it have to be so complicated?" She asked Anwar as she buried her face into his shoulder.

"Well, we can make it easy." He answered in a silent voice while he stroked her hair.

"You are talking about leaving Mossad." Ziva stated flatly. Somehow she had always known that that day would come. She had to choose between her father and the man she loved.

"Just think about it, Ziva. This is not our fight, maybe it has never been. We are just the pawns in the game of other people. And it is a dangerous game. I do not want our children to grow up in the middle of it. I want something better for them… and for you, my love." Ziva lifted her head to look at him. The love that was shining in the man's eyes took her breath away and she instantly knew what she wanted… what she needed. She needed that unconditional love that Anwar was offering her and which she had never got from her father. She gave him a loving smile then kissed him.

"You know that I would follow you to the end of the world, my love." With that she lay back on Anwar's chest and sighed. "You are right. I just wish that there would be another way."

"Me, too, Ziva. Me, too. But at this moment there is only one thing that matters. Us. Our little family. And I will do anything just to know that you are safe. Both of you." He held her even closer and closed his eyes with a heavy sigh. He was hoping against hope that nothing would happen to the woman in his arms and their baby. He knew that Eli David's arms could reach very far but he also knew that he was ready to do anything that needed to be done just to ensure the safety of his family.

"I love you, Anwar." He smiles when he heard the sleepy voice.

"I love you, too, Ziva. Both of you."

They lay in silence for a little while. And though Ziva wasn't comforted completely, at that moment she felt content. She just wished that her father would understand…

"Sing for me?" She asked Anwar almost in a whisper.

As the man began to sing an Arabic lullaby, the one that always made Ziva feel safe and loved, she could feel her eyelids getting heavier and a peace sleep taking over her.

The squeaking of the wooden stairs drew his attention to the entrance of the basement and he smiled slightly when he recognized the person who was now making her way down the stairs. She was taking her time getting down and for Gibbs she almost seemed hesitant.

He straightened on his chair but did not get up.

When Ziva finally stepped down from the last stair, she stopped and, after running her eyes around the basement and acknowledging Gibbs' presence, she sat down on the stairs. For several long minutes there was complete silence in the room and when finally it was broken, it was Gibbs standing up, grabbing his mug and an empty jar and pouring a generous amount of bourbon into each of them. Without a word he walked up to Ziva and sat down next to her offering her his mug. Ziva accepted it and without any further ado, she drank the liquid at one shot.

Gibbs drowned it, too, then they continued sitting in silence.

"I need you." Ziva spoke up finally without looking at her partner and Gibbs found the steadiness of her voice in sharp contrast with her previously uncertain movements. Looking at her, he waited for her to continue.

"I think that I am not telling you anything new if I admit that I am in love with you." She still was occupied studying the empty mug in her hands but she could see the slight nod that Gibbs gave her. So she continued after a deep sigh. "And I am fairly certain that you have feelings for me, too." Gibbs nodded again unsure of where the conversation was going.

After Gibbs confirmation, she swallowed trying to chase away the tears which were threatening to fall.

"In the last few days I was thinking very hard about this… about us. And I…" She finally looked into the man's eyes which were regarding her with an intense gaze. "I really want this, Gibbs. I really do..." Her words stopped when she saw the sparkle in his blue eyes and her heart broke when she finally finished her sentence. "…but I cannot."

Gibbs slowly nodded in acceptance without any emotion visible on his face then moved to stand up and pour himself another drink. He was stopped, though, by Ziva's fingers curling around his wrist.

"Do not be angry with me, Gibbs." Gone was the steadiness and determination from her voice. It sounded almost pleading while she was still struggling with her tears. Gibbs slowly stepped back towards her, bent down and gently kissed her forehead. That was when Ziva completely lost it and began sobbing with everything she had. Gibbs was sitting next to her in an instant and took the crying woman into his arms. He held her until her sobs subsided then, when finally she stopped crying, he pulled away to look at her.

"Are you done acting like a tragic hero in one of Dinozzo's movies?" He asked in a tone that was usually reserved for Tony when he was doing something stupid. Ziva nodded feeling embarrassed by letting herself break down just like that. "Good." Gibbs acknowledged smirking satisfied. "Then we can talk like two sensible people."

"Gibbs…"

"No." He interrupted her. "You've already had your turn. Now I'm the one who's doing the talking." Ziva nodded wordlessly letting him to continue but Gibbs didn't do so for a while. They just sat there looking in front of themselves. But then Gibbs spoke up again.

"I need you, Ziva." He repeated her previous words in a solemn tone and, though, Ziva's head shot up to look at him, he continued staring in front of himself. He'd never been good at that stuff but he knew that now he had to share his feelings because otherwise he'd lose Ziva forever. So he gathered his thoughts and tried to put his feelings into words, however pathetic they must sound. "Ever since I lost Shannon and Kelly, I am a lonely man. I felt lonely with my ex-wives… hell, I even felt lonely with Jenny… but that just suited me fine…" He shrugged. "I guess I've always been afraid of losing my family if I have let somebody take their place… but I've made some thinking on my part, too, you know…" Here he looked at Ziva at last and gave her a little smile. "... and I had to realize that nobody can take their place, no matter what… but I also had to realize that it doesn't mean that there is no place for somebody else in my life…" He reached out and took Ziva's hand into his own. Ziva was so stunned by his raw honesty that she couldn't even react. She just stared at him. "Ziva, I need you in my life… I don't want to be lonely anymore… and I know that you don't want to be, either. I know that you are fighting your own demons, and believe me, I'm still fighting mines, but you know what? We can do it together. You know, as a team." He gave a gentle squeeze to her hand. "I'm sure that there will always be things that won't be talked about but that's just it, Ziva. Things from the past. Maybe it's time for both of us to look into the future. We have to live on in spite of what had happened before. I'm ready to move on. So here I am… I'm in love with you and believe me if I say that I'd never judge you for anything in your past… do not let it hold you back…"

He was still holding her hand as he waited patiently for an answer. The minutes seemed to be dragging on at a snail's pace as the silence in the basement became deafening.

"Marry me?" Her voice was hardly audible but the words were delivered with such firmness that didn't leave any room for doubt. But Gibbs found himself so surprised that he couldn't help asking back.

"What?"

"You heard me right, Gibbs." She confirmed what he had already known.

"Are you completely sure? My track record isn't the most promising in this area."

"Oh, believe, I would see to it that there would be no more Mrs. Gibbs. Besides, I am not a redhead…" They both chuckled at that but then Ziva's expression turned serious. "You told me you want me… that you accept what I am or what I was… I believe you, Gibbs. But I need… well, to be honest with you, I have not got the faintest idea what I need… maybe the whole world to know what you had promised me… maybe that would make it feel real… that would feel like something that will not disappear from one day to the other… yes… that is what I need… constancy and security… Would you give it to me, Gibbs?"

Ziva was looking into Gibbs' eyes waiting for an answer. Hoping… She knew that probably she was demanding too much from him but she couldn't do it in another way.

One of Gibbs' hands left hers and went to cup her face. He slowly pulled her closer and put a gentle kiss on her temple letting his lips linger there after it.

"Ziva?" He whispered into her hair. "Would you marry me?"

A huge smile appeared on Ziva's lips which lit up her whole face as she looked at the man she loved so much.

"Yes, Jethro, I will marry you." Her smile was mirrored on Gibbs' face as he pulled her into their fist kiss to seal their agreement.

When they pulled apart Gibbs looked at her with glinting eyes.

"Have you really thought that I would let you walk out that door just like that?" His voice was incredulous. Ziva could only giggle as an answer and thank God that he didn't.

TBC

A long chapter… I hope you liked it!

Thanks for reading!