Neglected the following disclaimer in earlier chapters: The characters below are entirely Veronica Roth's and not mine, with the exception of Alan Cerberus. He's occasionally mentioned as "Matthew's supervisor" in Allegiant, and we hear his first name just once, but he's never actually present, which would seem to make him an ideal fan fiction character.
This is not how I wanted Tobias to hear of how I almost sacrificed myself - again. We'd promised each other total honesty. I'd planned to tell him the whole story, when the time was right. But now he's heard it from a stranger and likely thinks the worst - that I'd always planned to go instead of Caleb.
I'm still pretending to sleep, but struggle to open one eye just enough to see him. His face is a pale, stoic mask but his hands are tightly fisted - so tight, in fact, that they're shaking. I need to talk to him alone, but can't fathom how to make that happen.
I try not to lose myself to worry about Tobias, and instead focus on the ensuing discussion, which Matthew is now leading.
"What do you plan to do with the serums, Cerb?
"Ultimately, I'd love to destroy them all. Mankind would be better for it," said the older man, carefully. "But that's not practical yet, as long as others have the same weapons."
"Just what do you want from us?" asks Tobias, impatiently.
"Ah...the real question," sighs Cerb. "I want what we all want - the chance for all children to grow up to lead peaceful and fulfilled lives - to be able to achieve the huge potential of our human minds.."
"Sounds nice, but how do we fit in, precisely?" asked Tobias, his voice edged with sarcasm.
"It may all sound like a pretty dream, Tobias, but I know how to make it a reality, and now is the time," says Cerb, in an urgent tone. "The Bureau and Chicago can be a showcase for the world of what is possible. But I need help - from you three and your friends."
"What kind of help?" asks Tobias, exasperated.
"Perhaps it would be best for you to gather your other friends, so I can explain to you all at once..."
It's silent for a moment. I suspect that Tobias and Matthew are looking at each other and deliberating.
"And if we don't want to help you - what then? Are you going to use the memory serum...or death serum on us?" asks Tobias, his voice like ice.
"Heavens, no!" exclaims Cerb. "I took possession of the serums and relocated them to a very secure place,because the Weapons Lab was completely vulnerable - almost anyone could have walked in there and gotten them!"
"I meant what I said earlier. I have no wish to hurt any of you. I also don't want to threaten you. But I also understand that your first inclination, right now, is to flee - perhaps I'd feel the same if the situation was reversed," he continues, almost pleading. "I hope that you and your friends will at least stay and listen to what I have to say, and consider it with an open mind."
"And if we don't want to stay and listen?" asks Matthew.
"I...I hope that it won't come to that, but if you refuse to even listen... I may be forced to provide them the truth about their resetting," he says, clearly uncomfortable. "Even if you leave here - they'll seek out Tris. You and she will never know another peaceful moment, Four."
He clears his throat.
"You obviously outnumber me...and I'm no fighter. Not in the physical sense, at least. I recognize that Mr. Eaton alone could easily beat me to a pulp, with one hand tied behind his back...and will do so if I get an inch closer to Ms. Prior," he continues wryly. "But I've arranged for the video to be automatically delivered to all Bureau residents, at 12 noon tomorrow. Only I can stop it - alive - so my death or injury would only harm you."
"If you discuss this with me - with open minds - but then decide you want nothing to do with it or me, so be it," says Cerb, rising from the chair. "I will cancel delivery of the video. You have my word."
There is silence again.
"How do we know that we can trust you? " asks Matthew, incredulously. "I've known you for years...but I've obviously never really known you."
"That's fair, Matthew, but I could certainly say the same of you. I suppose we'll have to trust each other," replies Cerb curtly. "Do we have a deal, gentlemen? We can meet here at 9 am tomorrow..."
"Here? Why?," asks Tobias.
Cerb surprises me by chuckling lightly, again.
"Because I hope Tris will want to at least hear the discussion - just as she's doing now. My dear, I've spent a good portion of my life observing unconscious subjects. Let us just say that acting is clearly not your forte."
He fortunately leaves the room as he says this, leaving me to blink open my eyes to a slight smirk on Matthew's face. Tobias is clearly not amused, though, and looks at me briefly with a wounded expression that I long to erase. He leans over and kisses on the forehead.
"We need to talk...but it can wait until you're up to it," he says softly, making me feel even worse. Speaking is still difficult for me, so I just nod slightly and try to telegraph an apology through my eyes. We just stare at each other, for a moment, until Matthew sighs loudly, clearly reminding us of his presence. Tobias closes the door.
"I don't know what to make of this guy. Is he on the level?" he asks Matthew, who sighs, sits in the chair by my side, and puts his head in his hands.
"I've worked with him for years, but I've learned more about him the last 30 minutes than all the rest of that time,combined," he finally says, looking alternately at me and Tobias, and sighing again.
"Here's what I do know, though. Cerb is arrogant but he's also totally brilliant. He's eccentric and has...limited people skills," says Mathew."Despite that, he's risen pretty high here - in fact, he's now the senior staffer, with David dead, and maybe the only one he wasn't reset."
It's interesting that Cerb grew suspicious of us, but apparently decided not warn anyone else in the Compound, I think to myself.
"He has no life outside of work that I know of," continues Matthew, as if reading my thoughts. "He's not exactly nice, but he's always seemed kind of...honorable." He scratches the back if his neck thoughtfully.
"He never told me outright that he disagreed with GP philosophy, but I've always suspected," he continues. "I've overheard more than a few rebellious mutterings over the years. I had no idea that he had some kind of black ops research going on, though. He was out of the office a lot - supposedly sick - so I guess it fits. I really don't know what he wants from us, though," he adds, looking first at Tobias, then at me. "I mean...he could pretty much get all the reset people to do whatever he wants, right now. Especially if we all left the compound."
Tobias suddenly looks especially grave.
"Uriah. Tomorrow...is the day. His family is coming in the afternoon," he says darkly, sighing. "I couldn't have left yet, anyway."
We're all quiet for a moment, deep in thought. Uriah has frequently been in my thoughts, as I've drifted in and out of consciousness. Rather than just grieving the loss of a true friend, though, I wonder if he's waiting outside of the misty barrier, as I was. Is Marlene ready to embrace him on the other side? When the respirator is turned off, will he have a choice, as I did, or just instinctively cross the barrier?
Even if I could easily speak, I'm not sure I'm ready to share these thoughts and my experiences that caused them with everyone. I want...even need to tell Tobias, though...when we're alone.
Matthew breaks the silence with a sudden grin.
"And other than being a lousy actress, how are you, Sleeping Beauty?"
I force a return smile, appreciating his attempt to lighten the tension in the room. Tobias frowns as he moves to my side. I clear my throat, which is still painfully raw.
"I'm...okay," I finally project in a whisper, although I'm obviously not.
"We all have a lot to think about...and we need to let Christina, Cara, Amar and others who aren't reset know what's going on," says Matthew, getting up and moving awkwardly towards the door."I think I'll do that...and get some shut-eye...and let you two love-birds kiss and make-up, so that you can focus your combined brain power on...other stuff. Check back in the early AM? I expect the docs will be making rounds long before then.."
Tobias nods, and I smile at Matthew appreciatively, as he opens the door and walks out. It sounds like there's been a shift change at the hospital, with the sounds of distant conversation and footsteps now evident. Tobias closes the door and then sits down across from me. The hurt look in his deep blue eyes undoes me.
"We do need to talk...and...it can't wait," I manage to say softly, with pain etching every syllable. "But first...would you just...hold me?"
A sad but gentle smile is Tobias' response, as he moves to the edge of my bed, leans down, slips one arm underneath my shoulders, and pulls me close to him.
"Mmm...good, but not good enough, is it?" he says softly. I nod - the position is a bit awkward for both of us.
He releases me gently, and thoughtfully studies the intravenous tube extending from my left arm. He leans down again to delicately slide one arm underneath my shoulders and the other beneath my knees. He then carefully lifts me a few inches off of the bed and swings me slightly sideways, so that he can sit on the edge of the bed with me on his lap. His strong arms encircle me, and my head is on his chest.
This feels so right. I sigh and close my eyes contentedly to the steady music of his heartbeat. We both seem to momentarily forget all that is wrong in our world.
He reaches for a glass of water with a straw, sitting on a small nightstand at the corner of the bed. I nod gratefully. I've been given fluids intravenously, but that hasn't helped my raw and chafed throat.
"A little vulnerability does wonders, hmm?" he says with a raised eyebrow, as I sip the water.
Startled, I turn my face to him.
"I..I am...," I begin to sputter, before he interrupts me, and grabs the cup to put it back on the table.
"I know," he says with a thin teasing smile that doesn't extend to his eyes. "It's just...hard for me to be upset with you when you 're like this."
I swallow hard, feeling tears fill my eyes. This is not like me - at least not the strong person he's helped me to become. I know Tobias is trying to lighten our mood, but he's made me recognize that I currently am just a frail little girl.
"Hey," he says tenderly, brushing a hand over my cheek. "Dumb joke. I'm sorry."
His sweetness almost makes me feel worse. Maybe I'm really not ready for this conversation. We're quiet for a moment.
"Before we start talking about - the other - what do you think about this stuff with 'Cerb' " he asks, his voice reverted to a normal conversational tone. "I assume you were awake the whole time?"
I nod, focusing on the alarming discussion that had just ended. Tobias is purposely distracting me by bringing it up now, I know, but he also still respects my opinion, I hope.
"I think...he's really...sincere," I whisper with difficulty, finally."But...sincerely...wanting...to... improve the world? Or sincerely...deranged? Or both? I'm...not sure."
"Me neither," says Tobias thoughtfully. He suddenly cups my chin with hand and turns my face toward him. "Hey...you're still the strongest person I've ever met, Tris. You just need a little extra help right now...and I like taking care of you."
"I know," I say, with a sigh."I just...don't want you...to let me off... easy...just because I'm...I'm...now this weak little..."
He suddenly covers my mouth with his. His kiss is filled with longing, but its intensity is just what I need to forget everything around us, and everything that has happened. I feel totally alive.
I reach out my hand to touch his face...and pull painfully on the tube in my arm. I pull away from Tobias, wincing.
"Shit...what did I do?" he asks, panicked.
"You didn't...I did," I croak out hoarsely, pointing to the IV's entry into my arm, which is fortunately still secure.
"Well...I shouldn't have.." he begins, clearly upset.
I shake my head with a small smile, in total disagreement.
"No, I really shouldn't have...but I wanted to show you that you're not a little anything to me," he says, rubbing his neck with one hand, his voice sounding rough. "You're everything to me. And I can't let you off easy...because I can't take this...constant worrying about when you might decide to selflessly sacrifice yourself next!"
I sigh, trying to figure out how to best explain what happened. Since speaking is still excruciating for me, brevity is also important.
"I didn't...lie to you. I never wanted to leave you. I was... just...stupid," I whisper, pausing between words to minimize the pain. "Caleb totally froze... at first...and he's...still my brother. I couldn't...force him."
"I thought I could...survive the death serum...and that he couldn't...and so I went instead. I was...so certain I could overcome it. Just stupid."
I close my eyes for a moment, now fully absorbing the gravity of my actions that day. Tobias gently rubs my back.
"If you can't finish this now, Tris, it's ok. Really. I'm beginning to get the picture," he says softly, caressing the side of my face.
He means it, I know. I don't want this hanging between us, though. I don't want to hurt him anymore. Maybe more than that, though - I want him to know that I've really and truly changed. I know I'm not invincible, and that what we have between us is the most precious thing I'll ever have in my life.
"No - now," I say, taking a deep breath before continuing. He hands the cup to me again, and I sip gratefully. "Caleb knew.. I couldn't survive it. So Erudite."
Tobias rolls his eyes meaningfully at me.
"He..couldn't let me do it... In the end, I forgave him... For everything. But..it was mostly about..him forgiving himself."
I look away from Tobias for a moment, still taking in the enormity of losing my brother.
"In the end, your brother had some Abnegation in him, after all," says Tobias, thoughtfully. "I hope he's at peace, now."
"He is," I whisper softly, unsure if I have the strength to continue. Despite Caleb's tranquility, I still ache for him and for my parents, and all that we'll never share together, in this life. There is nothing selfless about my feelings.
"I saw him... and my parents," I tell Tobias, impulsively, because it gives me hope of seeing them again. We've both lost far too many people we've cared for, and I want to share that hope with him.
"I...I.. could have...joined them. I had...a choice. I chose...to fight...for my life. So I could...be with you."
Tobias looks a little stunned and touched by the last part.
"Maybe...just a dream...but I don't think so," I continue, recalling it all in a hoarse whisper. "Your voice...brought me back here. My mom said... to focus on ...your voice..."
"Fighting," he says with a little awe and a tender smile, recalling my brief initial return to consciousness.
I want to tell him more about what I saw...in my glimpse of the after-life, or my dream of it. Whatever it was. But not today. I feel my energy quickly waning.
"Yes. Fighting, " I say, the emotional memory momentarily re-charging me. Recollections of Tobias' misery and my intense physical struggle, before I spoke that word, make my eyes moist. Again.
"I can't...promise...to never be..stupid.. again," I whisper. "But not like that...I..never want..to put you through that...again. And I want...to live. I want to be with you, Tobias. ...More than anything."
He stares at me deeply for a moment, as if assure himself that I really mean it. He leans down and kisses me on the forehead.
" I can't survive that again, Tris. I won't tell you that I'll leave if you do...because I'm not certain that I could," he whispers roughly, his eyes pleading in a way that tears me up inside. I hate myself for causing him so much despair.
"I'm.. so.. sorry, Tobias," I say, my eyes getting moist again. "Never.. again. I promise. Please...believe...me."
He picks up the edge of his loose t-shirt with one hand to dry my eyes.
"I do believe you, Tris," he says tenderly, kissing me below each eye, as if to kiss away my tears. "And I'm sure that I'll be stupid again - about something - too."
I feel relief surge through me, at his acceptance.
"I guess I'm... willing to..keep loving you...stupid and all... if you'll do the same," I whisper with a smile, through my tears.
He continues to rub my back, with his hand moving lower. I'm suddenly very conscious of the fact that I'm wearing nothing but a hospital gown that opens in the back.
"Tobias," I say in a mild scold. I feel my cheeks go a little red, as I remember him touching me the same way just a few days ago.
He grins - the first full-fledged one that I've seen in too long .
"God, I love you. I love the way you still blush around me - even when we're alone," he whispers, caressing my face with one hand while continuing to work his way down my spine with the other.
"I won't tell you that l'm not enjoying myself right now, but I'll stop," he says, leaning over to lightly kiss my cheek. "I'll wait until your eyes don't look like they could shut any moment, and you don't have a tube hanging out of your arm. And we're not in danger of a nurse's visit, at any minute."
"Sorry," I say softly with true regret, imagining how scary I must look. "I'm not exactly...my most attractive."
He chuckles, and runs his fingers through my hair, pushing it gently off my face.
"You always look good to me, Tris," he whispers in my ear. "I spent a good part of the last couple hours watching you sleep.. fantasizing about whatwe'd be doing...if you were healthy."
"What...were we... doing?" I whisper back.
"Mmm...showing each other new tattoos, for starters," he continues, in a low, sexy rumble, as he leans over to kiss my ravens.
"Where...were they?" I say, laughter bubbling up and counteracting the pain in my throat.
"Use your imagination," he whispers seductively, as he gently pulls me a little closer with one arm and uses the other to pick-up my pillows, and rearrange them they're vertical against the headboard. He then carefully moves backwards, so that his back is leaning on the pillows, and shuts his eyes.
I study the circles under his eyes and his thick razor stubble, and realize that he may be just as exhausted as me. I put my head back on his chest and smile to myself. Maybe we'll both have good dreams.
Sorry that I don't post frequently - no time - but you all can tell that I do love to write long and detailed chapters! I greatly appreciate reviews, to include constructive criticism as well as specifics about what works for you in this story, thus far. It will help me with writing the rest.