.
"I like the scrubs."
Emma turned in direction of the English accent that sent a tiny chill through her body.
Killian Jones, in all his gorgeous masculinity, stood in front of her. He was such the brooding type, but she figured it was mostly due to the loss of his wife. She had a feeling that there was a really sweet guy underneath all the pain. Sometimes she could see it in his eyes, if even for the rarest of moments.
"Didn't have time to go home and change," she explained with a shrug.
"No matter. You look fetching. Rather cute there, Emma."
And sometimes she could hear in his voice. Like now. Only on the rare occasions, she mused, because Killian Jones had just put that guard up again in the space of two seconds.
Before she could even say thank you, he had walked away from her. Maybe that was okay this time, because she felt the heat creep up in her cheeks and knew they had to be stained some sort of red color.
Really, Emma? Your fellow grief member? But she couldn't help it. She was attracted to the man even with all those walls up. Damn.
She had joined the Daily Strength Bereavement support group nearly two months ago. And yes, it was a nice sounding board to getting over her grief and the feelings of being at fault. Then again, for the most part, she felt she had a pretty good hold on dealing with Neal's death. The support group allowed for the hurt to ease some. The guilt? Well, she still had not opened up fully to anyone about why she felt so guilty. Not even her best friend, Mary Margaret, knew the stint of pain in that respect. That was just something that she believed she would have to deal with for a lifetime.
Touching the apples of her cheek in wonderment of what her face looked like, Emma turned to find a seat to ready herself for the meeting.
It was Wednesday, the second day of the week that she had group with Killian. Of course she hadn't planned it way, but she her heart enjoyed the perks of getting to see him twice a week.
The meeting was about to begin. So far there were only four members there. That was the smallest she had seen the group. Still, she took the seat on Killian's left, leaving empty seats all around them.
She really did wonder if she had to be so obvious. But apparently she did. Killian was kind of oblivious to her strong attraction to him. It only made her feel all the worse about the situation because she knew he still grieved very much for his wife, Milah.
By what he shared with the whole group, Emma got the strong impression that they were very much in love. The first real love of his life. She had died of ovarian cancer. It had happened rather quickly. The pain he felt still seemed so raw after more than a year. That was one of the reasons she didn't act on those growing feelings. He still hurt.
Sometimes she felt bad that she didn't feel worse about Neal's death. Yes, she hated that he was gone. She missed him a lot. But she didn't mourn his death like others in the group mourned their spouses. She understood why. She knew where their relationship had been going. The reason she was here in group right now was because of that right there: Neal was dead and she still held on to the guilt of what would have been if he had not played the part of the hero that day.
It still wouldn't be as simple as that, she reminded herself. It would have been messy as ever and she knew it. This wasn't better, but for all that it was she needed to accept the facts.
"It happens in the blink of an eye, hm?"
"Hm, what's that?" she asked, suddenly meeting those deep blue eyes. He pulled her straight from those negative thoughts into something so good. God, she thought she loved those eyes more than anything else she'd seen of him so far.
"The memories and the hurt," he said softly. And she saw the flash of that there in his eyes. "It comes back all of a sudden and there's not a damn thing you can do about it."
That she could agree with. "Yes."
Killian turned his attention to the cellphone in his hands.
"Hey!" Emma reached out to touch his arm. She panicked immediately, not knowing what gave her the courage or the gumption to even start this. "Are you free after group?"
"Uh… what? I'm sorry… why?"
The stammer didn't make her feel any more nervous and humiliated. No, not at all…
"I was thinking we could go get some coffee. And, you know, talk." Was her face burning red? How could it not be? He seemed so awkward about her idea. "The coffee here is nice and all, but…"
"Um… I don't know, Emma. I… maybe." Killian shrugged. "It depends on how group goes. Is… that okay?"
She pulled back and away from him. "Yeah, that's fine."
As the weeks past, he kind of got the feeling that Emma may have liked him in some way. For that reason alone he should have made up an excuse as to why he couldn't get a drink with her after the meeting. What about the fact that they were in group together and this seemed inappropriate? But he didn't make up an excuse. He'd gone along with her suggestion.
The fact was that over the past few weeks, Killian could not ignore the fact that Emma had been an interesting person to get to know. Not that he knew much about her. Only what she divulged in group meetings, which were basically about her husband and how she was coping for the past five months.
It was such an odd predicament to be in because he had never put any stock into any woman besides Milah since they began their relationship. He wouldn't go as far as to say that he wanted her, but any feelings at all were a huge deal. The fact that she invaded his thoughts at all was beyond his understanding.
Which is why this was probably a bad idea. Sitting at the small round table inside the coffee house, Killian felt the strong urge to run. This was all wrong.
He had thought of her on too many occasions- innocent or not- for this to be okay. He had thought about her hair way too many times in the past two months. He had compared the golden mass in its variety of styles. Sometimes it was a heap of spiraling curls around her face. Other times it looked rather silky as it hung straight down her back. On the rarest occasions- like tonight- she wore it up, showing off the delectable-looking creamy white neck of hers.
Killian honestly did not understand his growing attraction for her. It was quite disturbing. It was also too much.
"Are you okay?" she asked him. Emma's shoulders scrunched up in a shrug. "You look ready to run." A single eyebrow raised as she took a sip of her cocoa.
His eyes moved around the room, surveying… nothing in particular. He just didn't know what to say.
"Was there something in particular that you wanted to talk about, Emma?"
There was a pause. When Killian braved himself to look back at her, she was staring at him.
"I thought that…" Emma shrugged again. "I thought that maybe we could get to know each other outside of group, Killian."
Killian couldn't stop himself from squirming in his seat. "Does that defeat the purpose of group therapy?"
"You never talk to anyone that you met from group? In all the months that you've been going there?"
"Not socially," he answered with a shrug. He picked at the Danish that was sitting in front of him. He didn't take a bite, just focused somewhere besides her.
"Well, if you'd rather not," she said softly. "That's fine. I get it. Group is already a place where stress should be relieved. Being friends with members outside of those times could bring that stress out in the world with you."
Killian looked back at her, meeting her eyes. Her words didn't ring false, they were instead agreeable to what she believed he wanted to hear.
She was breathtakingly beautiful. So why was that admission making his heart beat so hard and fast that he was sure she could at least see in pounding through his shirt? He'd found women beautiful since Milah had died. He was a man. This was something different though. Something driving his mind crazy because he couldn't figure it out.
"I'm sorry, Emma," he told her softly. "To be honest with you, I'm just feeling like I'm in an awkward predicament."
Emma nodded. "It's not just the group thing. It's the 'girl' thing as well."
"Aye," he conceded with a sigh, because that was a big part of it. "That holds some truth. I'm sorry. Listen, I'm going to take a deep breath and try to relax." Killian inhaled deeply, closing his eyes because, seriously, he needed a moment. "You seem like a really nice person, Emma. For such an intense support group, there is some lightness that comes into play. And you have that."
Emma's gaze fell to the table and a small laugh escaped her mouth.
"How do you even notice anything like that?"
He noticed a lot as of late.
"It's there," he told her softly,
Emma looked back at him with a softness in her eyes as well as something else. That look had his heart going crazy again. It was too sincere and too real and too much.
Killian covered his mouth as he cleared his throat soundly. He felt way too vulnerable in the moment. He needed something to stop it. He needed to think of Milah.
So he thought of her smile. The smile she reserved just for him. The smile that he had seen at least a million times within his lifetime with her.
"You're thinking about her. About Milah."
He'd never heard her speak his wife's name. Such an odd occurrence. He had to blink Emma back into focus. And it was her smile, again, that invaded his senses. Soft and sweet.
"What?" He frowned. "Why did you say that?"
Emma pointed at him. "There's this look that you get when you think of her. It has two parts actually. There's this faraway gaze- which you just had- and it is followed by this utter look of harshness. Like your thoughts intertwine with reality. You remember that… she's gone."
Killian was in awe by her statement. It took him a moment to do anything but look at her.
"Very perceptive," he murmured. His mind was at odds with itself, not knowing where exactly it wanted to go from that point. Thoughts of Milah were mingling with thoughts of the woman right in front of him. He didn't want Emma to win.
She tilted her head to the side, looking at him inquisitively.
He wondered what she was thinking, but he also couldn't escape gazing at the expanse of creamy colored neck that was now exposed.
"I'm sorry, Killian," she whispered.
He swallowed thickly. "For what?"
Emma shrugged. "For acting as if I know anything about you other than the surface."
"Not a problem. You were right." And I, he thought as he picked up the cup of coffee, am in some serious trouble. Because for a moment longer than he could ever imagine it being, Emma Cassidy had ruled over his thoughts in place of Milah.
Damn.
Emma glanced down at her phone to look at the time. The meeting had let out nearly two hours prior. She had commandeered Killian's time for the bulk of it.
"It's getting pretty late."
It's not that she wanted to let him go, because as far as good conversation with, Killian Jones could give it (once he warmed up some). The problem came when Emma saw her growing even more attached to a man who was clearly not at peace over his wife's death.
"Aye. I do need to get going."
As Emma watched Killian stand from his seat and come over to her to help her up, her thoughts ran away from her. This semi and impromptu kind of a date was leaving her with mixed feelings.
She'd never dated since Neal's death. It hadn't been that long ago since his passing. Although she would have done it out of respect for him, that wasn't what stopped her from dating. It was the sheer amount of guilt that kept her lonely and alone.
It was a witness to what effect this mysterious man had on her.
"You're doing it," Killian whispered from behind, helping pull out her chair.
Emma stood and looked over her shoulder at him.
"Yeah. But you wouldn't understand. It's not the same issue, Killian."
"We each have our own story," he agreed with a slight shrug. "
Her body bumped against his as she turned around to face him. It was only by accident, close proximity of him helping her out of her seat. That didn't matter. It caused those small currents to shoot through every part of her.
"Killian?"
He took a quick step back from her. There was something dark that flashed in his eye as he watched her wordlessly.
"I'm going to be honest here, okay? Can you handle that?"
The other step back he took should have been enough of an answer for her. Emma sighed as she looked up at him.
"I think you know" she admitted, checking his whole demeanor.
Killian was only a few spaces away from her physically, but she could tell that mentally he was nowhere near. Something he was doing on purpose.
"Emma, I…"
No, he wouldn't be able to handle it, she decided to herself. He isn't ready.
"It's okay," she said with a shake of her head.
"Emma, this was really nice and all that, but I'm really going to have to run."
If not physically, sure as hell mentally and emotionally, she thought with a hidden smirk.
"Yeah, I know. Go ahead. I'm going to go to the restroom first. No need to wait for me. I'll see you at group next week."
Killian gave a short nod. "Okay, then."
Did they just smile and wave, do a handshake, maybe an awkward hug?
No. Killian just back away slowly and gave another nod.
"See you later, Emma." And then he was gone.
Emma bit her lip as she watched him leave. She wasn't sure what she should do. Ignore the strong pull that was between them- which he was trying so hard to keep clear of- or keep pushing until they each confronted those feelings?
Either way, Emma thought as she slowly made her way towards the exit, it was going to be up to her to make that decision.