RUGRATS: CRUSADE OF THE CRIMSON ROSEBUSH
ACT IV: RISE
Written by Christopher Rangel
Tommy, Sora, Donald, and Goofy stood over the battlefield below.
"Time to fuck shit up", said Tommy, cracking his knuckles.
"Now hold on a fuckin' second, ahyuck!" said Goofy. He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out four pills. "They call this shit LSD. I haven't tried it yet, but I hear it does crazy shit to your head, ahyuck!"
"Let's do it up!" said Sora.
"Fuck yeah!" said Donald. So they all took an LSD and then waited a few moments.
"Whoa", said Tommy. He looked back to the battlefield and was entranced by the repeating patterns of people fighting people, and could no longer discern any difference between the two sides. "Like, why do people fight so much?" Tommy asked.
"Cuz that's like, something people just do, dude", said Sora.
"But does all the fighting ever accomplish anything?" Tommy pondered.
"Uh, I don't think so", said Goofy.
"Maybe in the short run", said Donald. "But in the long run... not likely." The four of them just kind of stood around for a while, feeling really out of their minds.
"We all just... keep on fighting", said Tommy. "Why? Is there anything we find fun in it?"
"I dunno", said Sora. "Wanna find out?"
"Let's do it", said Tommy.
"Time to go the fuck to war!" said Goofy.
"Yeah!" said Donald, and they all stumbled down the hill and into the battlefield.
They couldn't believe how good the day felt, even though the air was filled with smoke and the smell of decay. In front of them, a Skinwalker turned to face them and let out a terrifying screech.
"Oh hey, a new friend", said Sora. The Skinwalker charged at them.
"Uh, I don't think that's a friend, dude", said Tommy.
"Oh", said Sora, and he lopped off the Skinwalker's head with his Keyblade as it leapt at him. "Good call, ma dude!"
"No problemo", said Tommy. By now they were just traipsing through the heart of the battle, with blood flying at them from every direction.
"Holy shit, dude", said Goofy. "It's like fuckin' World War III out here."
"Yeah man", said Donald. "Groovy."
"What the fuck?!" came a voice. It was Sandor Clegane (The Hound)! He rode over to them and beheaded a Skinwalker as he jumped off of his horse. "You guys don't look like you belong on the battlefield!" he yelled.
"And you don't look like a figment of my imagination!" said Tommy. He extended a hand. "Name's Tommy Fuckin' Pickles, but you can call me Fuckin' for short." Sora, Donald, and Goofy laughed, but The Hound was unimpressed.
"You're a Pickles? Really? I would have expected more from you", said The Hound. "You look like nothing more than a junkie to me."
"Oh I'm way more than a junkie", said Tommy. "Check this out!" He walked over to a Skinwalker and snapped his neck, then came back.
"Holy shit", said The Hound. "You really are a Pickles!"
"Trained by the great Lou Pickles himself!" said Tommy. The Hound got on one knee.
"If you will let me, I will serve you to the end of the world", said The Hound.
"Whoa, cool!" said Tommy. "Hey guys, Burny McGee joined the party!"
"Name's Sandor", said The Hound. "But you can call me The Hound."
"I prefer Burny", said Tommy.
"Well, at least spell it Bernie", said The Hound.
"Deal", said Tommy, and so Tommy, Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Sandor "The Hound" "Bernie" Clegane walked deeper into the battle, slowly and coolly, while the people surrounding them killed the fuck out of each other.
"Hey, who the fuck is that?" asked Goofy. Tommy looked up and saw The Finster walking towards them, mysterious dark hood up and everything.
"Good afternoon!" said The Finster. "Lovely day for a war, isn't it?"
"Can't complain too much!" said Tommy.
"Indeed!" said The Finster. "It feels good to be surrounded by death, doesn't it!"
Tommy shrugged. "I be pretty indifferent, honestly", Tommy said, as he was distracted by how, even though The Finster's moustache was really stubbly, it still held within it perfect symmetry. "Wait, shit, I don't like you", said Tommy.
"You don't have to not like me", said The Finster. "The offer still stands for you to join my side!"
Tommy looked around and found he couldn't find any difference between the corpses and the soldiers. The only things he saw were dead people and people who would soon be dead.
"Like, I dunno", said Tommy. "I guess we'll just have to see."
"You're coming around", laughed The Finster. "Well, that's good. Once you come to your decision, just think of me as hard as you can, and a portal will open to my home. I will be waiting!" and with that The Finster disappeared.
"Dude, what are you doing?" asked Sora.
"I don't know", said Tommy, and he just started walking forward with a blank stare. The LSD was starting to wear off now, and he became more and more terrified by the scene surrounding him. He'd seen plenty of shit before, but never on this level.
"What are they all fighting for?" he wondered. "What are they dying for? Are they dying so that others might live? But then what about themselves? Why can't they enjoy their own lives? Conflict is a two way street." He looked at one of the Skinwalkers. "These things... are they really unintelligent monsters, or do they just have an intelligence that we can't understand. The two sides of this war, they just keep pushing against each other. They're both afraid that, if they give up, all of the potential energy building up between them will just come crashing back on them, wiping them out, so they have to keep fighting. But yet, they're still the same."
"So why don't we just kill everyone?" asked Bernie.
"You can do that if you want", said Tommy. "Coming out here... its a death sentence anyways. Well, we can die here..." he looked back at his party, "or we can run."
"Why not?" said Sora, Donald, and Goofy.
"Well", shrugged Bernie, "You say run... and I'll run!"
So they ran.
They ran through the thick of it and out of it, until they were standing in an abandoned battlefield, densely packed with old corpses. Bernie looked back at the battle with a little regret, then back to Tommy with resolve. By now, there was no LSD left in anyone's system.
A white portal appeared and out of it stepped Saruman the White.
"Hello, I am the bad cop", said Saruman. "You've got time to make your decision, but not an eternity. If I were you..." he raised his staff and the dead surrounding them all began to reanimate, "I'd be quick about it!" and he disappeared.
"Motherfucker!" said Tommy as they were all suddenly surrounded by Deathless.
"That guy said that you can summon a portal by thinking about him, right?" said Donald. "I think now might be the time to do that!"
"Shit", said Tommy. "I think you're right." He thought long and hard about The Finster, and suddenly all of the hatred he felt for him flooded through his mind. "You want an answer?" Tommy clenched his fist. "I'll give you your fucking answer." The Deathless stood still, and a tombstone appeared in front of them, with a stairway leading downward appearing in front of it.
"Let's go", said Tommy, and so they went.
THE DEATH DIMENSION
It was a long staircase, but eventually they reached the bottom. Looking up, there was a sky, even though they must have been underground.
"That staircase must have had some M.C. Escher shit going on, ahyuck!" said Goofy.
"Weird", said Sora.
"Welp, where there's a sky, there's blood to be spilled", said Bernie. In the distance were the spires of a massive castle, silhouetted by an enormous full moon. Approaching from that direction came six human figures, and Tommy gasped as they approached.
"Chuckie!" he exclaimed. "And Phil, Lil, Angelica, Suzy, and Kimi!" They all sadly waved at him. They were all grown up now.
"We've been waiting for you", said Chuckie.
"So you've reached a decision?" said Angelica.
"I have", said Tommy.
"My father..." began Chuckie, "The Death Emperor awaits in yonder castle. We can guide you there, if you so like."
"Please", said Tommy, and so his dead friends led the way for him and his living friends. Around them, the dead of all time looked up at them. In this world, they had degraded to grovelling on the ground for most of their days. When Tommy looked to his left, he saw two of the dead standing straight up. It was Solid Snake, with a younger man Tommy didn't recognize standing by his side. Snake saluted the party as they passed. Tommy returned his salute and pressed forward.
They stood at the gate of the castle. Two guards were standing by. They were Cloud Strife and Angeal Hewlay, both wielding their own Buster Swords (really the same one, but from different times). They opened the gates to let them in. Cloud Strife winked at Tommy as he entered.
"We're rooting for you, kid", said Cloud. Tommy nodded, understanding what he meant. In the castle's grand foyer was a giant, naked statue of The Finster, shooting water out of its dick into the fountain it was standing over. Millions of bodies were pinned to the ceiling with knives, still moving, still in this world's living state of death. Kimi saw her mother pinned to the ceiling, looking down at her, but did her best to stay stoic. It would all be over soon.
Tommy's old friend led them to the other side of the room, to the bottom of a massive spiral staircase.
"This is as far as we are permitted to go", said Chuckie. "At the top of these stairs you will find the Death Emperor... Do what you must."
"Thanks Chuckie", said Tommy. Chuckie was surprised by Tommy's hug, but then returned the hug, a tear forming in his eye. Then all of Tommy's old friends turned around and left the castle. Tommy turned to his living friends, Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Sandor "The Hound" "Bernie" Clegane.
"Are you guys ready to go?"
"Well, I'm having a boring-ass time not killing", said Bernie. "You heard the lad, let's go up there and do what we have to!"
"Yeah!" said Sora.
"Ahyuck!" said Goofy.
"Charge!" yelled Donald. So they started running up the stairs... and started running out of breath once they had made it a half mile upwards.
"How much farther?" asked Sora.
"I don't know", panted Tommy. They were basically trudging once they reached the one mile point. Bernie wanted to take a break, but Tommy kept yelling for them to go. Now was the moment that he would avenge everyone; his Grandfather, his friends, everyone.
Five miles up they emerged into a long hallway, at the end of which was a blood red door. They all nodded to each other, then walked down the hall and opened the door.
The Finster sat on a tall crimson throne, seemingly made from the same material as the Protajewels. Standing at the base of the throne, to either side, was Saruman and Lou Pickles. Lou took a step forward.
"You've done well, sprout", Lou said.
"Welcome to the family"
TO BE CONTINUED