April 19th, 2011. 8:00pm
Entry 03
Continuous.
Today went by slowly. Especially the fact that I am a "Guy" until after 11:30pm today. I'm glad that it ends today, although it was sorta fun. Except having to hold my bladder for 35 minutes and then talk to Feli, asking for help. I swear I felt red as a tomato. I also was able to walk around in basketball shorts, and well, no shirt. It drew a bit of a attention to some girls. It's funny saying that because I am a girl... Just not right now.
The war slowly progresses without a loud sound. I wonder what the Allirade could be planning now.. It worries me. I wonder how many more people will have to die for everyone to see that there will not a winner. Only demise, for both sides. I hope everyone comes to realize this soon, but I doubt it. And even if they do, almost everyones bosses won't let them drop this as easilly. Even me and my brother/sister's boss won't let us out of this easily. I'm scared. Not just about the war and the killings, but almost everyone's sanity, and friendship. And it seems like everyone's decisions are hurting them more every time they try avoiding being hurt. It makes me sad to see it happening.
Now there's been someone who's been on my mind non-stop since last week.
Russia aka Ivan Braginsky.
The man that took power from me and my brother's nation and seperated us both for a while. He talked to me last month, before the war began and was made officially, and I remember it clearly, as if it was just an hour ago. I keep re-hearing when he said that I'm able to switch sides any time. And it's killing me inside out. I've been thinking about it more often, than keeping it in the back of my mind, and honestly, it's driving me up a fucking wall. I know the reasons for him wanting the Soviet Union back is for reasons that are better explained by him. And I know why we, The Axis, are against it. But, I can't just help and think that I should be on the Allirade for some god forsaken reason..
Now I'm sure if anyone is reading this, they're surely surprised at my thoughts of this, but yeah. I've been thinking this for a while now.
But back to this, I can't abandon my brother in this war or go against him, nor all my allies and friends I've made on the Axis. It would tear me to shreds to fight them. But it tears me to shreds to be fighting someone I've had appreciate me and my brother's help so much in the past, despite how he harmed us. I try my best to not hold grudges too, but there is always something that tugs at me on the inside that brings back unwanted memories and give me the courage... No, it's not courage to hold something against someone, it willpower. God, I feel plastic being streched, melted down and streched again in this.. I don't know anymore.. Wait, since when did I know anything for this war?
Tomorrow is Lovina and Gilbert's wedding. Another truce will be possibly made to make sure no one is attacked on the two lucky lovebird's special day. I am attending, and I'm sure she's gonna look absolutely beautiful. Gilbert will be such a lucky guy to be with her and to be her children's father. Sometimes when I look around, I can just see everyone so happy, I feel.. Actually alone. I mean, I have my sisters, my brothers, but... Gah..
More about the war. The deal Alfred made with Lovina was called off. Why? It's best leaving that un-explained. Sometimes the un-explained things are the best things to have in some situations.
That reminded me. I went back to me and my brother's old house today. Alone. It was scary. The paint was peeling on the outside of the house and the grass was wild. I got choked up there, like I always do when I think of the place. I even went inside. When me and Toris has been here last, we took the harp mama and papa had when they would sing the Lullaby Song to us. We took even some pictures. What's left there is going to possibly stay there. I can't handle more memories of that place.
I guess that's all for now. I've been writing for a while now, getting distracted by just random things.
I hope we can all rest easily and happily today and tomorrow. It'd be a miracle and I'm sure it'd make many people happy too.
For whoever reads or read this: You've offically read my thoughts. You're now a mind reader. Who'd guess? Not me.
~Lietuvos Respublika
Torii Lorinaitis
A/N: Sorry about the very random stuff for this. Yes, there was a genderbent week during this and well, she was affected after the battle. This happens a few more times. . . But only it's different. Again, I don't own Hetalia~