Chapter 4
These days my fingers bleed
even before I bite them
Can't play it safe, can't play
at all any more
Let's go back please
to the games, they were
more fun and less painful
-Margaret Atwood
It wasn't until later that evening that Draco realized that Severus had revealed almost nothing about what happened at the meeting with Harry and Dumbledore. He had been able to glean a bit of Dumbledore's plan for Harry with regard to Blaise Zabini, but whatever had happened in the headmaster's office had disconcerted Severus so much that Draco had never seen the man so visibly shaken. Draco resolved to go back to his head of house's office the following day to figure out what the next step should be in helping Harry.
But his first order of business upon returning to his room would have to be that bloody book. Draco was annoyed that he had let the combination of the contents of the book and Zabini distract him from something so obvious. After locking and warding his bedroom door, he began to page through the volume again, this time ignoring its contents and looked for anything unusual. After a frustrating twenty minutes of searching, Draco decided to see if Harry had a chapter in this tome of ridiculous bombast. Sure enough the Boy-Who-Lived already had a short chapter dedicated to his exploits.
Harry James Potter, also known as "The Boy-Who-Lived"
Born July 31, 1980 to pureblood, James Potter and muggleborn, Lily Evans Potter, Harry Potter is the youngest Gryffindor Hero to date. So named the "Boy-Who-Lived" for being the only survivor of the dreaded killing curse at the tender age of fifteen months, when little Harry managed to temporarily put a stop to the evil dark lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
Rumors of continued heroic acts upon his arrival at Hogwarts School have been unsubstantiated, but seem consistent with such a prominent member of the proud House of Godric Gryffindor. (One of the more exciting rumors is that valiant young Harry pulled the Sword of Gryffindor from the Godric's Sorting Hat and slaughtered the fabled monster of the vile Salazar Slytherin. Like Arthur's Excalibur, only the truest Gryffindor can wield that sword!) What is known is that Mr. Potter is the youngest Tri-Wizard champion in 700 years. His victory was marred the by death of a Hufflepuff competitor. According to reports at the end of the tournament the victorious Harry and his companion were spirited away by allies of the wretched Dark Lord and it was then that the Hufflepuff was murdered and our courageous Mr. Potter fought the resurrected "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." If not for the presence of the evil Slytherin's followers, Gryffindor would surely have been triumphant once again.
Draco skimmed over the rest of the entry. He couldn't bring himself to closely read anymore of the tripe and there didn't appear to be anything that Harry would have wanted him to see in the ridiculous passage. Draco began to wonder if perhaps the solution was not in what could easily be seen. Maybe Harry only wanted someone who suspected that there was more to his story… more to his life than impetuous Gryffindor heroics…
"Revelo tabellae." Draco muttered tapping the page lightly with his wand. Immediately the printed text disappeared to reveal a spidery scrawl that Draco recognized as Harry's writing.
To The Curious Reader:
I don't now if I am alive or dead at the time that you are reading this message. At this point, it hardly matters to me. I know that this book is self-updating and I know that it is likely that the chapter devoted to me and my "heroic acts" will change as the years pass. There is already a lengthy chapter on Albus Dumbledore espousing his "greatness." Just a matter of months ago I would have parroted the story of Dumbledore described in this book verbatim. I was his greatest supporter and his surest ally… his mindless tool.
I had only known about the magical world for a little over a month before I came to Hogwarts and here I found myself in a castle with real life witches and wizards about to learn magic. It was like a dream and I felt accepted for the first time in my life. I grew up in a muggle household where anything "unnatural" was severely punished and I was the most "freakish" thing of all. It was here at Hogwarts that I had found my first friends ever. When I talked people listened, not just the students my age but the older kids too. It was a heady experience for someone like me and I was dazzled by it all.
Not long after I arrived, I was called in to the Headmaster's office. I was so afraid before the meeting. I was sure that he wanted to meet me to tell me that it had all been a terrible mistake and that I would be leaving to go back to the Dursley's immediately. That isn't what happened. Most people think that the Imperious Curse is a constant, painful struggle. They imagine the horror of not being able to control your own movements, but to me the first months… year of being under the curse were almost blissful. I was so young and had already lived such an awful life that I was relieved to feel all my confusion and fears and doubts float away. I didn't really start to fight the curse until the middle of my second year.
During that year the other students thought that I was the Heir of Slytherin. While my body and mouth expressed horror at the idea, my mind was a bit more comfortable with the idea. I didn't really understand the separation of my mind from my body. I heard a voice in my head telling me to do things and I believed that I had gone mad.
I didn't shake the curse completely until the summer before my third year. I remember that it was like waking up from a nightmare. I was walking down the street from my relative's home dragging my trunk behind me. I was furious and only could vaguely think of why. The only thing that I knew for sure was that the voice was gone. There was nothing telling me what to do or say and I was afraid. I stayed by myself in the Leaky Cauldron until the start of third year. During that time I discovered magic and rediscovered what it meant to be me.
I was both excited and afraid to go back to Hogwarts. I didn't understand what had happened to me, how I lost myself, but I had to go back. By the time I returned to school I felt stronger and smarter and faster then ever before. Magic was infinitely easier. After my first run-in with a dementor I looked up how to fight them and was able to cast the Patronus Charm with very little effort. A month of school flew by before it happened again. I was called to the headmaster's office. This time I knew that he wasn't calling me to send me home. My fears about not being magical enough were gone. Within days of the start of classes I realized that I was very powerful, much more than anyone else my age. I had yet to find a spell that I couldn't perform after only a few tries and I didn't hold back in class. In retrospect that was undoubtedly what tipped Dumbledore off that he was no longer controlling me. He had never allowed me to be so powerful.
He made me drink something in his office and that is the last thing that I remember until I met Sirius Black at the end of third year. I wasn't in control of myself, but something about being near him made me aware again. I was only in his company for a short time and the next thing I knew it was late summer. I had once again lost months of time. My first vision of Voldemort was the next occurrence that dragged my mind to awareness. I realized that this time I would need to pretend to be the Boy-Who-Lived. I remembered how I was forced to act during my first couple of years and behaved accordingly. But in my mind I was desperately trying to find a way to free myself of the trap that I had fallen into.
My pretending really didn't work. It was during fourth year that the control on me changed somewhat. I started to see a bit of what was happening around me. There were moments when I was seeing things, as if through a dense fog. I faded in and out most of fourth year. One of the more startling moments was when I woke standing in front of a dragon! A bit of an eye opener, that was… But then again, so was waking and finding myself bound to a headstone in a cemetery face-to-face with my parents' murderer. How I survived that night I will never know.
Somehow Voldemort's resurrection made things easier for me. I believe that the connection that we share through my scar started to help keep me more conscious of myself. The downside is that most of the time all he seemed to feel was an all-consuming rage and hatred of everything and these emotions bled through to me. I can say with absolute certainty that this was hardly the best scenario to try to regain your equilibrium. At the end of fifth year I found myself fully awake again after a particularly long period of darkness. It was the shock of seeing my godfather fall through the Execution Veil in the Department of Mysteries that woke me.
I loved Sirius. He was the only person to ever look at me and see me—everyone else saw the Freak, the Boy Who Lived, or the Chosen One. I think that my attachment to Sirius was so strong because I seemed to always be around him during my moments of lucidity. Something about him brought me out of the dark. In Sirius, I had hope for real home and a real life. Through him I was beginning to understand what family could mean for me. He put me first. I had never had that before. His death has been the greatest tragedy of my life.
It was immediately following Sirius' death that I was possessed by Voldemort. Anyone who has not experienced forcible possession could not possibly understand the excruciating pain of it. I have been under the Cruciatus Curse many times (both by Voldemort and Dumbledore) and it doesn't even compare. I had noticed before that extraordinary pain and my mental connection with Voldemort helped my level of consciousness. Those moments when he was completely in my mind broke something… I think for the both of us. When he left me I could feel his shock and uncertainty. There was a level of awareness in the both of us that I had never felt before. I have not been totally under Dumbledore's control since.
Dumbledore controls Wizarding Britain more completely than anyone realizes. The rift between Cornelius Fudge and Dumbledore was well publicized. What no one knows is that everything happened the way the Headmaster willed it to happen. Cornelius Fudge is not a smart man. Greater men than he have been manipulated and controlled by Dumbledore and Fudge never did a thing that the headmaster did not intend. The long year of apparent discord between Dumbledore and the Ministry and me served many purposes. The first was to link Dumbledore and myself firmly in the minds of the public. We both supposedly suffered under the constant scrutiny and slander of the Ministry but we always stood together. The second, and probably most important, was that in the end Albus Dumbledore is always right. It reinforced to the people that Dumbledore, above all others, is the one to be trusted. That he is the great man who would save us all… along with his faithful protégé. I don't have much hope for the new minister, Rufus Scrimgeour. He is too independent and isn't playing according to Dumbledore's plan. I expect that he will be killed by "Death Eaters" soon.
I don't know how much longer I will remain myself. The fog is starting to come back in my mind stronger than it ever was. I don't know how he is doing it. Something is different from all previous years. There haven't been anymore potions like in third year—although there may be something in my food… The only thing that I can think of that seems out of place is when I am in his office there is a crystal that he keeps on his desk. I am unnaturally drawn to it. I can hardly keep my eyes off of the blasted thing and his voice in my head seems louder the closer I am to his desk. That is all that I know.
I pray that some day someone reads this. It is the true history of my life. I believe that history rarely tells much of the truth about her "heroes." I am not hopeful that this will be discovered in my lifetime but just the thought that someone will know of his actions and the realities of my life gives me a degree of comfort.
Do with this information what you will, oh inquisitive scholar.
Harry James Potter
The Boy-Who-Never-Really-Lived
Below this letter, Draco was surprised to see an additional note addressed to him.
Draco,
If you are reading this then you obviously found the message hidden in this horrible book. I hope you will forgive me for making you page through such drivel. Gryffindors are not known for their humility or conciseness. If it makes you feel better the sorting hat actually wanted to put me in Slytherin, but Dumbledore's manipulations had already started to have their effect on me and I talked the hat out of my rightful house. Think of how horrified all these good little Gryffindors would be if they knew that the story was of a famous lion who was truly a snake at heart.
Since I approached you in the hallway outside your common room, all I could think about was what if I hadn't fell for the headmaster's line so quickly. What if I had been your friend and a Slytherin straight away? How would things have changed for me? I have so many regrets and wishes but very little remaining hope.
I don't expect your pity or anything. I don't know what, if anything, that you can do to help me. I just wanted to thank you for listening. You were the only person that I could think of that I was certain didn't like Dumbledore and would listen to me, at least for a little while. Now all I want to ask you is if you would get a message to Voldemort for me. Tell him that the next time we meet I won't fight him and hopefully the killing curse will be more successful the second time around.
Sincerely,
Harry Potter
Draco sat stunned after reading the letter. Harry was plainly asking him to tell Voldemort that he wanted to die… Harry wanted to die. He didn't know why that shocked him so much. Knowing everything about the Gryffindor that he now knew Draco could understand being desperate to find a way out… but death…
For the first time since this drama began, Draco's first thought was not about what Cassius would think. His heart bled for Harry Potter.