Chapter 4: One Heart Broken

"So what did you need to talk about?" I asked Julia as we sat down on a park bench, just outside the hotel.

"Peter…I feel like you've been avoiding me lately…" she replied, making me break out in a nervous sweat.

"Wha-what makes you say that?" I said with a small smile on my face, trying to convince her that nothing was wrong. Julia exhaled loudly before she continued.

"You haven't stopped by to talk to me in days. We're together, and that means that we owe each other the respect and decency to-"

"Julia…there's something going on with me." I interrupted. "I feel like something's changing inside of me."

Julia gulped slowly before deciding to speak again, asking me, "Does this change…change the way that you feel about me…?" I turned around, not facing her as I collected my thoughts.

"Julia, I will always love you. You will never stop being one of my best friends."

"…Just a friend?" Her words were like a stake driven right through my stomach. I felt such regret for what I was about to say and do.

"Julia…I think, well…I think I might be…"

"Gay?" she interrupted. I looked over and into her eyes. She had tears in them, her beautiful brown orbs had tears in them.

"Julia…I'm sorry. I didn't plan for this to happen…it just sort of…I don't know…I just felt a change inside of me." I said it as nice as I possibly could, trying not to offend or hurt her.

"How long have you known?" Julia asked me. As she spoke, she played with the left braid of her hair, almost as if in a nervous manner.

"I…I've actually known it since I was thirteen." I said. Julia gasped, tears beginning to fall from her almond shaped eyes.

"Does that mean that…I mean while you were with me…Peter, did you ever really love me?" Her question was like a death sentence.

"Julia, it's hard to explain. I loved you…just not sexually…" As soon as I said it, I wished that I could take it back. It sounded so wrong, just so horrible. Julia covered her mouth as she looked at me. I felt like she was staring at a monster, like this horrible creature that needed to be destroyed. Then, her eyes changed into a more compassionate form. She wiped the tears away from her eyes before she spoke.

"To be honest, I've always kind of suspected that you might've been gay…I guess I just didn't want to believe it…"

I sat still, tears beginning to form in my eyes. I tried my hardest not to let the tears fall. Julia noticed this, but she still had another question to ask, or so it seemed.

"Is there…a man in your life…?" she asked me.

I composed myself before replying, "If you mean: 'Peter did you cheat on me while we were together', the answer is no. I would never hurt you like that."

"Is there someone that…someone that you want?" she asked. Immediately, I thought of him…and I didn't know how to say it. I trusted her but I didn't want to hurt her anymore…so I finally said, "I…I don't know."

Julia frowned slightly, probably sensing that I wasn't being honest with her. That was one thing about Julia, she was so genuine that she knew when others weren't doing the same. Almost a minute of silence went by. I searched for the right words to say, the magic words that would make her feel better. But those words didn't exist, not now anyways. Surprisingly, she put her hand on my shoulder and smiled at me saying, "Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy."

I suddenly started to cry softly as I looked into her eyes. They looked so sullen and gloomy but quickly they changed to orbs of light and inspiration. I wasn't really crying for me, I was crying for her. She was always so sure of herself. Even after what I had told her, she still looked at me as an equal. I longed to have that sort of confidence, that kind of forgiveness. Because when you had that ability to forgive within you, you were able to overcome almost anything. Tears fell down my tan cheeks, spilling like shooting stars to the cement below. I felt her hand move onto my back, patting it softly as she then embraced me in a hug.

"It's okay Peter…" she said.

"I'm so sorry Julia…I didn't mean to hurt you…I just don't know what to do now…" I said in between sobs. Julia's hands were warm around my body, making me feel comfortable. I've never been accepted, and this was one moment that I didn't want to end.

"Peter…it's okay to be different, like you said before, you didn't choose for this to happen…" Julia told me as I started to slow down my tears.

"Julia…thank you…" I said as I wiped my tears on my sleeve. She smiled at me and hugged me tightly before she let go. It was at that exact moment, for that quick second that she leaned in towards my ear, that I could've sworn I heard her whimper. But when she pulled away, there was no sign of sadness, only supporting kindness.

"As long as we can still be friends…then I am here to support you. I will always love you Peter, nothing can change that."

I felt Julia's hand leave my shoulder as she turned to leave. Even though she said all these upbuilding things to me right now, I somehow could feel that this was the end of something between us. She'd never look at me the same now, of course she'd never say that, but I could tell by that last look she gave me before walking off. That last glance seemed to reveal everything inside her; telling me all that she kept hidden from me. Her eyes seemed to say, you hurt me...and I gave you everything I had...but what hurt the most, was when they said, goodbye forever...

...

What have I done...?