Thank you all for the feedback on my last chapter! :) Lyrics in this one are again from "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey.

I still own nada.

4. I Want You To Be The One

Erin felt as nervous as a kid on its first day at school when she waited for him at the Buckingham Foutain shortly before noon on the following day and therefore concentrated on the snowflakes that fell from the sky. When Jay approached her a couple of minutes later, his hands deep in the pockets of his jacket, his gaze focussed on the ground, her heart literally dropped to her knees. She had suggested this conversation but she had no idea what she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it at all. The only thing she knew was that there were things that needed to be said.

″Uhm, hey,″ she said when he was close enough to hear her and her voice came all insecure, completely reflecting how she felt about this whole situation.

″Hey,″ he said and gave her a faint smile but it was an untypical smile for him.

″Soooo-″ Erin started but Jay interrupted her instantly.

″I'm sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have run out of there and leaving you there like this and I owe you an explanation. But I was overstrained with this whole...situation.″

″Me too,″ Erin nodded.

″I shouldn't have tried to kiss you,″ Jay said quietly before she could tell him these exact same words. These words which were confirming the suspicion she's had that it had not been just her. At the same time, her stomach also turned a little by his words, urging her to swallow down a lot of feelings that suddenly came up with his statement.

″Why did you?″ she asked, her eyes fully focussing on his gaze. But he kept on staring to the ground, making some random patterns into the snow with the tip of his shoe.

″I don't know,″ he mumbled and shrugged his shoulders. It was obvious that he was searching for an explanation himself, so Erin didn't answer anything and just waited.

″I...I...," he hummed and hawed, biting his lower lip with his teeth, "do you know this feeling when you...when you realize that what you have is not what you want?″ Asking this question was the first time that he lifted his head and looked directly into her eyes and Erin could see the silent desperation reflecting from his blues. She knew he was torn. Torn like never before.

″Jay,″ she almost whispered, her voice also showing hints of desperation. ″What is going on?″

″It doesn't work...Muriel and me. For months already we've been fooling ourselves. Everything was going well until we started to grow apart when she started to fly to Montreal almost every weekend and until...″ he said but his voice trailed off. He didn't need to finish his sentence though, Erin knew what he wanted to tell her, understood the unspoken. ″She's not happy here,″ he added and took a deep breath. ″And I'm not happy with her.″

Erin had to swallow hardly by these words, by this meaningful glance he was giving her. It was the confirmation of what she'd sensed all the way along but it was hard for her to hear that he was unhappy.

″A few weeks back I asked you whether you are happy and you said yes. And I knew you were being honest with me...so what changed?″

″I was happy, Erin...because I was with you.″

Boom. These words brought Erin's heart to its edge, ready to jump out of her chest any second but at the same time ready to jump from the cliff and drop to her smallest toe. Over all these months with all these bonding moments she's apparently not been the only one to develop feelings for her best friend. Those feelings have been mutual.

Jay spoke again before Erin could sort all of her thoughts let alone find her words again. ″Muriel and me...it doesn't make sense anymore and I will end-″

″No!″ Erin called, the word 'end' being the one that brought her back to reality and resounded in her head. ″No. No. No,″ she said desperately and placed her hand on Jay's chest. She didn't want to be that girl.

″Jay, do not throw it all away over me,″ she begged, her eyes being wide in shock. ″Please, do not throw it all away over me. You asked her to marry you for a reason. Because you love her. Because you want a future with her. You didn't ask her for nothing, Jay. Do not make an overhasty decision that you will regret one day based on your current, confused feelings.″

″It's not fair to her to pretend that she is what I want, to pretend that I love her. It's not fair to myself to keep on suppressing my real feelings just because I'm afraid of hurting her, because I don't want to be that guy. I don't know whether it is because she was away that often and we simply grew apart or whether it is because we, you and me, grew closer but when you start developing feelings for another woman it's the only fair thing to end the relationship you're in.″

″Jay, don't,″ she begged him once again. ″We'll stop spending so much time with each other, we'll change partners at work-″

″Erin, I don't want to stop spending time with you,″ he whispered and inhaled a deep breath. ″I realized that what I want is you."

″No,″ Erin breathed out, being unable to believe what was happening here, feeling paralyzed, unable to move because she was beyond overstrained. She should've been happy about Jay telling her he wanted her but she could in no way be happy about the outcome of this whole mess. ″Jay, you two wanted to marry. You bought this beautiful ring and you asked her for a reason. You want to be married. You want to have kids, you told me about possible names you like. You told me how much you want to be a father. Do not throw that all away over me...I'm not worth it...because I can't even tell you whether this is what I ever want. Marriage and kids. Go back to your fiancée, work on your relationship, forget me and get the future you dream of. Because you deserve that your dreams come true Jay. You deserve all the happiness.″

″And I'm the happiest when I'm with you.″

″No,″ Erin said once again and shook her head. ″No Jay. I'm sorry. Fix it as long as you still can,″ she said, gave him one last glance and then almost ran away.

After a first attempt of running after her, Jay decided that it was better to give her time and space. There were some things he needed to sort out first anyway and so he only watched her disappearing in the distance.

I don't want a lot for Christmas

There is just one thing I need

I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my socking

There upon the fireplace

Santa Claus won't make me happy

With a toy on Christmas day

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

It was Christmas Eve, shortly after 10pm and Erin had just returned from spending the evening at Hank's house, enjoying his delicious dinner and some quality time with him her little brother Justin. This was all she needed right now, all she needed to forget. Every distraction was a welcome one.

These last three weeks had been hard, the hardest in her life for sure as she's never felt as bad before. She hasn't talked a single word with the man who used to be her best friend since the day at the Buckingham Fountain. She's been ignoring him at work, they have changed partners for the time being and Jay had taken a few personal days off anyway that had made things easier for her. She still didn't know how to handle this whole situation and she had no idea how things could ever be normal again between the two of them. Maybe the magic word was time. But maybe things would always stay awkward between them which was a horrifying thought. And this was what made her heart heavy. In addidtion to her still upside down turned feelings which also weren't back to normal yet and kept on playing tricks with her heart.

Erin sipped on her whiskey and eyed her Christmas tree. This stupid Christmas tree had destroyed everything and all she saw when she looked at it was this picture-perfect scene, that could've been from some cheesy movie for sure, when they had almost completely lost it three weeks ago. The moment when their lips had been as close as never before, their feelings taking command over their brains.

A silent knock on her door let Erin startle from these memories as she hadn't expected this at all. It was quite late after all and who would want to visit her at that time of the day? For a moment she considered ignoring it, simply pouring her whiskey down and going to bed but she's always been a curious person.

She placed her whiskey on the kitchen counter and walked to the door, only opened it enough so she could take a look at the person who stood in front of it. In fact, she should've known who it was. She should've known who would stand in front of her apartment on Christmas Eve. She should've gone to bed. But instead she found herself in her doorframe, face-to-face with the man who still made her heart beat unhealthy fast, made it skip a beat. Or two. Or three.

″Hey,″ he said all quiet.

Erin had to swallow a suddenly built lump in her throat before she was able to speak, out of a sudden having the feeling that it was unbelievably hot in her apartment.

″Hey,″ she answered back, still not changing her current position and giving him the chance to get into her apartment.

″May I...may I come in?″ he stammered, his cheeks blushing slightly.

″Uhm...I don't think this would be a good idea,″ Erin shrugged, studying his facial features sternly. He looked sad, broken and somehow kind of lonely. In this moment she was sure he'd spent the better part of this Christmas Eve all alone, most likely with some beers, takeout and the rerun of a game running on TV. Or maybe a nerdy documentation. And just imaginging this she felt bad for him. More than she should have.

″Please, Erin,″ he begged her, never taking her eyes off her which made her feel awkwardly uncomfortable.

″Jay-″ Erin sighed.

″Erin, please,″ he begged once again and as much as she wanted to hell him to simply leave her alone, she couldn't. As much as she wanted to say no to his request, she couldn't. Without saying another word, she opened the door, giving him the silent sign that she allowed him to step into her apartment. She closed the door behind him and followed him into the living room that was only enlightened by the fairy lights of the Christmas tree. Their Christmas tree.

″Nice tree,″ Jay said after a moment of awkward silence, turning his gaze around to her. Of course it was meant to be a joke, a way to break the ice. But Erin wasn't quite ready for this. Actually, she wasn't ready for anything at the moment.

″Jay, what do you want?″ she asked, impatience resounding in her voice.

″What I want?″ he asked back furiously and took a few steps to close the gap between them, suddenly being dangerously close to her. ″What I want?″ he asked again but this time his voice was a faint whisper. And just like this, without any further warning, he pressed his lips against hers, ever so soft, ever so sweet, in exactly the way she's always dreamed about. Unable to pull back, she allowed their lips to melt in a firework of overstrained feelings until it was Jay who broke the kiss and stared into her face with literal heart-eyes.

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas is you

″This is what I want,″ he said, taking a deep breath and Erin knew that there was more to come, not being ready to listen yet because the only thing she could concentrate on was the taste his lips had left on hers. "It took me a while to really allow myself to feel like this but during all these hours we spent together I realized that this is what I want, Erin. Every time that I look at you all I see is everything I want to have.″

"Jay," Erin breathed out, her voice as shaky as she felt by his words that were almost a love declaration.

″Erin," Jay said before she was able to say more than his name. "I want you to be the one to wake up next to me every morning. I want you to be the one to fall asleep in my arms every evening. I want you to be the one to argue about who has to do the laundry and who took the last milk from the fridge. I want you to be the one I make breakfast for. I want you to be the one to watch the games with me, just like we always did, with the difference that I can hold you in my arms and kiss your hair. I want you to be the one who one day answers a certain question with yes. I want you to be the one I give a promise for eternity to. I want you to be the one who one day tells me she's carrying my child. I want you to be the one I grow old with. I want you to be the one I retire with in Wisconsin. I want you Erin,″ he said emphatically but yet so soft, it made Erin's heart racing in excitement, his words bringing her on the edge of her emotions. And into a deep conflict. Without any doubt she wanted most of this as well but there was always a difference between wanting something and the harsh reality.

She chose her words carefully, not wanting to hurt him, although she knew she would anyway, not wanting to hurt herself but she was beyond that point already.

″Sometimes we have to accept that we can't get what we want,″ she said raspily.

″What is that supposed to mean?″ he frowned.

″I think you understood,″ she answered, inhaling a deep breath before saying the words that would break his heart. And hers. ″There's no you and I, Jay.″

″Erin,″ he stumbled and reached for her hand. ″There is. Muriel and I broke up three weeks ago and..-″

″I never begged you to do this,″ Erin said and her voice was rising as she pulled her hands back from his. ″You remember? I said you shall fix things before it's too late. I never wanted you to leave her for me.″

″It was too late already, Erin. I think I made that point clear,″ he said, his eyes showing so much pain and desperation and even a hint of hopelessness, it broke Erin's fragile heart. ″So tell me Erin, is this not what you want?″ he asked all soft and she knew exactly that he was referring to their kiss.

″No,″ she breathed out and it took her everything. She didn't even dare to look at him because she couldn't handle seeing his devastated face.

"Then look me in the eyes and tell me in all honesty that this is not what you want, Erin. Just tell me that I was wrong all the way along," he said furiously.

"I can't," she answered so quiet, Jay could hardly understand her but he let out a long breath by her words.

″What do you want then, Erin?″ he asked quietly and she could hear in his voice that he was feared of her answer.

″You broke up with Muriel not even three weeks ago and now you're standing in my apartment, basically telling me that you want a future with me? After three weeks? I don't want to be the next girl in line, Jay,″ she answered, finally telling him what this was all about, why she couldn't just simply move on and start dating him right away. ″I don't want to be the girl you broke up with your fiancée for. I don't want to be the girl that destroyed your relationship and then immediately starts dating you. And most of all, I want you to figure out what you want, Jay.″

Especially the last statement brought a deep frowning onto his face. ″I just told you what I want, didn't I?″

″Yeah, kinda. But until a couple of weeks ago you wanted Muriel. You wanted to marry her. You wanted to have kids with her, a future with her. And now you suddenly want me? What happens when you meet another woman at some point? Will this story repeat itself? How do I know that you still want me in two years? How do I know that you still want me even if marriage and kids are not on my agenda? You want me now but what do you want a couple years from now? That's what I want you to figure out, Jay,″ she said quietly, trying to hide the sad undertone in her voice, trying not to show him what an emotional wreck she was right now.

″Erin-″ Jay whispered, reaching for her hand once again but she pulled back just like she had before.

″No Jay,″ she said and shook her head. ″I want you to figure this out, really figure this out. And when you have and you still feel the same, I want you to fight for me. And for now I just want you to go.″

Jay looked at her for another short moment and as he wasn't able to say anything, he only nodded his head in the slightest way, recognizing the tears that welled in her eyes, before he turned around and left her apartment as sudden as he'd shown up in front of it...

I won't ask for much this Christmas

I won't even ask for snow

And I'm just keep on waiting

Underneath the mistletoe

'Cause I just want you here tonight

Holding on to me so tight

What more can I do

Oh, all I want for Christmas is you

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it although it wasn't as happy as you maybe hoped. Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :) To be honest, my first intention was to end this story at this point because reality is that love stories don't always have a happy end. But it's Christmas and it's FanFicition, so there'll be one last chapter and an end hopefully everyone can live with. It's called 'Merry Christmas'.

On that note, Happy Holidays everyone! :)