"Never Let You Go"
At the opening of the door, I was greeted by the sight of his dormant form, deep in recharge as Knockout had said. I approached the berth as calmly as I could in my state of distress. Taking a seat in a chair, I leaned up as close I could against the berth, taking Orion's limb servo within my own. I clasped it gently between my own two robust servos, holding onto it in hopes of breaking him from slumber.
Knockout watched from the doorframe. I felt his presence, but did not care the slightest. It was no longer important who knew how much I cared for this mech and Knockout of all cons knew not to question me. Clearly he was surprised though, dipping his helm in realization of why I had been so panicked before silently slipping out of the room. He said nothing, leaving me in my silent anguish of something he could never possibly understand. I sat there with Orion for cycles, the thought of leaving him again didn't dare cross my processor. It wasn't until Knockout returned much later that my vision broke after not leaving Orion's face the entire evening.
Knockout awkwardly shuffled up to me, unsure of attempting to oust me from the room again I'm sure. Reluctantly I let Orion's servo slip from my own and stood before the medic could speak. I walked over to the door, glancing back at him over my shoulder. "Take care of him." I breathed with a pleading undertone in my voice that I myself had not known was in me. The doctor nodded solemnly, readying to take another analysis of Orion's symptoms. I left him in his care, and could only hope for the best.
Orion remained in his deep stasis for the following week. I visited him daily in his chambers, not being able to stay away for long. I had even put together a temporary berth on the floor where I attempted sleep from then on. Some may say I had become obsessed with him, and in truth maybe I had. It could have been the ache that compelled me to do so, that grew into a neediness to be by his side. The remorse and sick taste of regret churned bitterly through my systems. I yearned to be able to do something, anything to make things better again. I grimaced at the fleeting thoughts of such chances I had foolishly let pass by. Primus, it was a curse. The memories playing over and over again in my head, visions of what I should have done plaguing me. It was all my fault, was all that I could think. I had done this, and I deserved to feel this way. If Orion, no, if Optimus ever recovers… I will let him go return to his Autobots. I no longer believe that I deserve him after what I put him through; I don't deserve any form of happiness.
It quickly became obvious to everyone that I had gone into a depression. Despite Soundwave's effort to pull me from it, and even Knockout's attempts at psychological help, I had only sunk deeper into the crevice of the bottomless pit of my demise. Everything around me had turned into blurred images and moments passed by. I felt nothing. It was a miracle I even got around to refueling, if only to drown out the world even more. It took all of the strength I had left in my emotionally drained systems to leave him. And even if I did manage to allow him out of my sight, it was never for long as my thoughts began to wander and scheme of things gone wrong while I was out. The paranoia was the worst of it, creating delusions in my processor I couldn't possibly handle had they been real. These hallucinations I felt every waking moment I could not even hope to escape in recharge. When I slept the dreams took over, so lucid and real. I often woke with systems flaring warnings, my sensors blaring with fear those waking nights. Fear had been something so foreign to me not too long ago, but now had manifested itself closely to my spark. It twitched and flared up like cold lightning pulsing through my chassis. It tore me apart and left me numb.
Knockout had tried his best questioning how I was feeling, trying to get an idea of what I was going through, what the solution could be. I couldn't explain these wretched feelings though, my swelling pride still present. Never would I bring myself so low, admit such weakness, no matter what. It sure wouldn't help Optimus, and he was all that mattered now. I scolded the doctor, telling him my condition was unimportant. The status of Optimus Prime was of highest significance and required all of the medic's attention. A little bit of my normal self returned with the rage but quickly diminished and left me back once more in a state of apathy.
The time came when I couldn't bring myself to leave the room anymore. I found myself lying on that floor motionless with no desire to move. I heard the murmurings from outside the door of any passerby's, I had never known the drones had conversations till then. It was funny how much I had not known about my own ship or soldiers, learning more than I had in a day than I had in an entire earth year just by sitting still and listening. They talked, they gossiped, they even made jokes. Lately the gossip had been all about me and Optimus, how I had finally lost it. Thinking about it like that, maybe I had gone insane. I'd never just sat so deep in thought and listened like this before, not since my days back in Kaon anyway. Memories of philosophical conversations I used to have with Orion came to mind and I felt a warm smile spread across my lip components. We used to talk so much then… exchanged our ideas for the future, for Cybertron. The both of us we're of the same mind, we wanted the same thing for our world. The smile left my face then, replaced by a grim line. Our ideals were not the same though; it had all been a lie. I thought he was on my side… but he, he betrayed me in front of the council! He toyed with me… became a prime, had deceived me from the start. I felt my spark tearing again, my feelings split once more. The contradicting feelings were another aspect I couldn't get rid of. The love, the hate… It felt like Primus and Unicron were playing tug a war with my very spark. I needed closure, for this mental battle to finally end.
I turned my helm from the ceiling I had been staring at pointlessly while my thoughts raced to the still frame on the berth above me. I saw his chest heave with subtle intakes, just barely as his system continued to automatically cycle. The sound of medical equipment whirring as it worked was a low drawl in the background. My optics looked over the tubes hooked up to him, feeding him energon, keeping him alive. I still lay flat on the floor as I watched the blue liquid glide through the delicate tubing. It glistened with a soft glow, blue like his optics. I sighed, having somewhat regained sense of reality. I still didn't want to believe it was real.
I was startled from my thoughts at the opening of the door. How pitiful I must have looked splayed on the floor like this. I didn't want to see who it was, I hoped they would just shut the door and leave. The sound of their pedes came to an abrupt halt. They sounded much to light to be Knockout's, but too clinky to be Soundwave's… almost like the dainty tapping of-
"Lord Megatron?" I heard the voice question hesitantly and I felt my spark snap.
I could recognize that raucous vocalizer anywhere. My optics flashed to the unexpected visitor, and I saw his widened optics staring down at me questionably. He idled by the doorframe, clearly expecting something from me, probably wondering what in the allspark I was doing on the floor at the foot of a berth holding the Autobot leader of all mechs.
"Starscream…" I managed to say, still not quite in touch with reality. On any normal day I would have beaten him to slag, but I still lay plastered to the floor, almost as confused as the twiggy seeker must have been. I had been so transfixed with Optimus that I had nearly forgotten the traitorous flyer. His wings became perplexed as he glanced over at the fallen prime before looking back at me again.
"Master.." He spoke again, almost appearing speechless. "What has become of you?" He questioned, stepping towards me. I continued to glare at him, not in the mood to speak. I hadn't the energy to deal with him. I shut my optics and tried to shut him out, returning to my silent sulking on the floor. I heard him grit his denta and lightly hiss. His mood changed, I felt the anger bloom in his energy field. He was disappointed, I couldn't understand why, I didn't care to know either.
"Megatron… you slagger!" He seethed, but my optics remained closed. "Open your optics and look at me!" He commanded and I didn't even so much as twitch. I heard him stomp closer and stop just next to me, close enough for me to tear him down, but I didn't. He leaned in and spat, "I came back to the Decepticons for forgiveness, to rejoin the cause. But this? Is this really what I have returned to? What is going on here!?" He shrieked, his anger fizzling back to questioning confusion. When I still refused to answer him, he kicked my fusion cannon. "You are not Megatron." He spat coldly. "You truly are not fit to be leader." He finished, solemn and dissatisfied. I heard every undertone in his voice, could feel the discontent that shuddered through his wings.
My optics opened then and I stared back up at him. He wasn't looking at me now, just staring impassively out the window. His face was emotionless, but I saw through it. Starscream and I, I must admit, had a strange love affair. After Orion and I had fallen out, the young air commander had been the next to claim my attention. It was nothing like my relationship with Orion, though it did seem I had the ability to attract traitors. Nevertheless with Starscream it was more passion and lust that brought us together, excitement rather than dare I say…any form of love. It was always a game, one that had quickly grown violent. He did not know of my past relations to Optimus, not that they mattered to him.
I saw his gaze return to Optimus, I watched him think. If he tried anything I would offline him permanently. His gaze snapped back to mine. I saw so many questions in them, but all he muttered was, "Why?" I couldn't answer him, just as I couldn't answer Knockout or Soundwave. I didn't want any of this anymore, I felt anger rise back into me and I sat up. "Why do you care?" I slurred out with a raspy vocalizer, not caring to receive an answer. "Shouldn't you be happy? Isn't this a moment of golden opportunity for you, Starscream?" I mocked and let out a light chuckle, still sitting slumped over on the floor. Starscream definitely looked offended at this, his wings lowered and optics narrowed. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you now then, my dear lord." He threatened, and I only laughed more. "Go right ahead; amuse me." I continued to ridicule carelessly. He got down on my level then and grasped my shoulders. "What is wrong with you!?" He questioned and slapped me across the face . That action was a major wake up call, and I roughly shoved the seeker off of me and stood up. "That's more like it." Starscream stated having been sent flying right onto his aft. I glared down at him. "Enough…" I sighed, "I tire of your charades." His optics narrowed again. "My charades? Then what is it exactly that you are doing here, master?" He stood and walked over to the berth, looking intently down at Optimus. "Might I ask why your most loathed enemy lays here on medical support… why you haven't slagged the one you want offlined most when he lays right here? Talk about golden opportunities." He retorted. I felt my anger rise again at this and grunted angrily at his accusation, "You understand nothing, Starscream!" I shouted, the rush of rage coursing through my systems bringing me back to my normal self. It had made me aware that with Starscream's return, he had also brought with him my fleeting sanity.
The burning energy between the two of us awoke me from my depression, brought me back to the reality I had been shutting out since Optimus fell into prolonged stasis. I watched him circle the berth, studying Optimus, assessing the situation. He returned his smoldering red optics to me. "Then tell me, lord!" He shouted back. "Tell me what is going on here; what happened to you?!" He demanded, shaking his helm in disbelief. It was then I knew… that he already had an idea of what exactly was going on here. The smoldering rage in his optics gave way to anguish, I saw pain. That cursed ache I felt had infected Starscream as well, I knew that was half the reason that brought him back here now. It was obvious he still had feelings for me in our twisted relationship, but I knew that I had no desire to continue with said relationship anymore. I averted my gaze. "It's none of your concern." I responded coldly, staring at Optimus's sleeping form as I spoke. I felt his energy go rigid. "Well then." He finally replied after a moment's hesitation. "I guess we're through here then."
I listened to his clinky pedes leave the room and sighed. Something inside me almost felt sorry for him. I knew if it hadn't been for Orion, I still would've been with the delicate seeker. He would get over it, I was never good to the fool anyway. Memories of the countless beatings from me he had endured came to mind. I had made him suffer more than most would ever be willing to stick around for… yet he always came back. He was a traitor, but the most loyal traitor I had ever met. I had given him so many second chances, but in reality he deserved them for the way I had been. Primus, I can't even believe what I'm saying anymore. Something in me had changed. All this time I've spent here introspecting, analyzing my life and actions, I never noticed. It was as if I saw things from a new light. I realized now, by looking in from the outside, that I was the only one holding myself back. Everything had always been my fault, deep down I always knew, but only now did I see why. My foolishness had brought me here to this point in time. I was here though, still alive, and so was Optimus. Fate was in my servos, it was my choices that would affect where it went from here on out. I would pay more attention to that now; I no longer wanted to hurt anyone like that anymore. The way I had been with Starscream, I would never do that to Optimus or anyone else ever again for that matter.
Returning to Optimus's berthside, I took his servo within mine and kneeled. Stroking it, I began to air new promises to him. It did not matter to me that he probably couldn't hear me, something within me still felt a need to talk to him as he slept. Maybe some part of me even hoped that he could hear against what all logic stated. "I'll be better." I breathed. "You'll see, when you wake up, that I have changed. I will never hurt you again." I promised and placed a light kiss on his helm before leaving the room.
I would not give up the Decepticons, the cause I still believed in. I would change for him though, become a better mech than I had recently demonstrated. It was time I gave up that violent persona I had adopted. First… I would apologize to Starscream.
Oh my Primus, so sorry for taking so long to update! I had the most rotten case of writers block while trying to work on this the past month, you have no idea. Every time I sat and tried to work on this it just wasn't coming to me... and I didn't want to just throw something stupid together. I honestly wasn't sure where to go with this after throwing OP into a coma. I didn't want to bring him back this chapter, so I needed something else to occupy the time. I suddenly thought one day, who better than Starscream? So tell me what you guys think, do you like where I'm going with this? I love to hear from you guys!~
Starscream: Of course you need me around to liven up this story... who better indeed? *snicker*
Knockout: Screamer, she only brought you in as a last resort, my part is much more important~
Starscream: hmph, your just there to do your silly medic thing
Sanity: ladies, ladies... you're both important, calm your afts.
Starscream+Knockout: B-but!
Sanity: *crosses arms*
Starscream+Knockout: ...yes ma'am
Starscream: *whispers* I'm still her favorite character though XP Please review!
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