Diamonds flipped to another page of his newspaper, deeply interested of the contents contained on the pages. He already had his day off planned out, he would sit here and read his newspaper and then go-

"FUCK! What do you mean?!"

Scratch that, he might not be doing anything remotely near to relaxing anymore. Diamonds sets his newspaper neatly on the coffee table and then quietly moves towards the kitchen where he heard the yelling. He peaks in inside stealthily and sees that Spades was having a conversation over the phone. He seemed oddly distressed and nervous about something.

"I don't owe ya' dipshits shit!", Spades says with a growl.

"Are we playing spies Diamonds? Can I play to? Pretty please?", Clubs suddenly says inconveniently loudly. You didn't even notice him come behind you. Spades immediately notices you and Clubs nears the doorway and whispers something incoherent into the phone and slams it back in the receiver (it's one of those old fashioned phones.)

"What da' hell do ya' guys want?!", Spades asks with a tone of anger, well more anger than usual.

"I'm sorry Spades! I just saw Diamonds and thought that he was playing spies and-"

"Diamonds?! Did you hear anything?", He asks rudely interrupting Clubs andd Diamonds calmly shakes his head in response. He then notices Spades let out an almost unnoticeable sigh of relief. Something was obviously going on.

"Good.", He says. "Now both of ya' get the hell out of here and go enjoy you're day off or somethin'. I got work to do so don't bother me.", Spades says as he stomps out of the kitchen but before he's completely out he turns around quickly and says "Oh yeah..don't go out alone right now and try not to really go out at all."

"Can I go to the park?", Clubs asks innocently. "Fine but just make sure Hearts or Diamonds take ya' today". Spades then leaves without another word.

"Diamonds?..", Clubs says as he looks up at you. "Can you take me to the park?"

"Go ask Hearts, I got work to do.", Diamonds as he walks out of the house. He had enough information he needed.

He starts strolling down the mostly empty sidewalk It was a fairly nice day, the sun was out and the temperature was at a reasonable seventy-five degrees farenheit but that didn't matter to Diamonds right now he had business to take care of. He carefully looks around. No one..yet.

He then continues walking. Judging by how worried Spades was someone should be coming any minute. It had to definitely more then five people to upset Spades and they had to be pretty strong or just convince Spades that they were strong. It wouldn't be the first time Spades fell for something someone says.

"Hello! You're boss owes us a little hefty fee. So why don't you just come along with me willingly.", You hear a voice behind you and you could feel the cold and rough metal pushed against the back of your head. Bingo.

You calmly take this life threatening situation as an opportunity to light a cigarette and inhale and exhale the smoke slowly. The person behind you is absolutely baffled at this strange behavior. People would usually be scared when they have a firearm pointed at them but your smooth behavior was totally unnatural to the poor guy. He knew you must mean serious business.

"I can't ", Diamonds says.

"Why not?"

"Because you're about to die."

"Wha-", The person is knocked backwards by Diamonds who pulled out is hefty cuestick and his skull is repeatedly bashed by the stick. The person's screams soon die out out as the person is now an unreconizable bloody mess

"So when are you guys supposed to come out?", Diamonds says as he calmly turns to the bushes when he can sense five more people hiding.

"Dammit!", One of them said.

"Shut the fuck up!"

"No use anymore..you guys gave us away."

The five people revealed themselves. They were more people dressed in a blue uniform.

"Hello.", One of them says. This one was obviously the leader due to him having the most advanced uniform out of the other four.

"So what did he do this time?", Diamonds says calmly. This was a routine to him and he would just like to get down to business before his day off is over.

"You see, you're boss has refused to pay for the fifty bags of licorice candy we have given to him. Sooo, if he doesn't pwy then we'll kill you!", The boss says with a smile. Diamonds stares at the boss with his usual monotone stare.

"Heh...so let's just go to my hideout where we can brutally torture you an-", before the poor guy can finish Diamonds starts to repeatedly smash in the guy's face with his cuestick. The other four just stare as you bash his face in until you can see the insides of his brain.

"I believe we are done here.", Diamonds says as he puts his cuestick away like nothing happened. "Right?", He says as he looks to the other four. The other four, still shocked by the sight can only manage to nod, their bodies petrified from fear.

"Good.", Diamonds says as he heads back to the house. He looks at his watch and sees that the predicament just wasted thirty minutes of his time.

He opens the door to the house and looks around. Good, Spades didn't see him. Diamonds sighs and goes back to the couch and presumes to read his newspaper like he didn't just murder two people. Sure, it was his day off but he's always fixing Spade's and even sometimes Club's and Heart's fuck-ups. He took it as his job.

"Hey! You guys can go outside alone now if you want! Apparently this guy and his army of hundreds of people retreat! Must've been scared of my awesomeness!", Spades says with pride.

Because their are A LOT of fuck-ups to fix with this crew.

There. Made a longer one. This head cannon was suggested by a guest.

'I have a headcannon where Diamonds constantly (and secretly) fixes the others' goof-ups'

This is actually one my head canons and I see it in a lot of fanfiction of these guys so glad you picked it. Yeah sorry for the crappy chapter today. Making an even better chapter next.

Next chapter: Cooking

I do not own The Midnight Crew or Homestuck. Please review your head canons.