Bobby fires off a quick e-mail to Mom while he continues to ponder why his monologue about scones was removed from ff.net for an infraction. More on that later.
For those of you unfamiliar with New York State politicians, Pataki is Governor George Pataki. I hope this doesn't break the rules ffnet has against writing fan fiction about real people.
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to: stopthevoicesinmyhead@carmelridge.com
from: bobbygoren@mcs.com
Dear Mom,
My love life's a source of despair
Could I fix it by dying my hair?
The object of my hunger
Is almost twenty years younger
But I'm afraid either way she won't care.
To drive women wild
Mesmerized and beguiled
I've been told to avoid
Dissin' on Freud -
They're attracted to my "inner child".
I know it's perverse
But Nicole was a curse
What if other women see
What she saw in me?
And you thought my life couldn't get worse!
Sometimes I grow sad
Thinkin' of you and Dad
Loose women! Cheap wine!
At least HE had a good time
Was there fun in the life that YOU had?
Even to me it's confusion -
A puzzling illusion
When I stare into space
And with a pained face
Come straight to a brilliant conclusion!
When Deakins shows haughty derision
And Eames expresses slight indecision
I'm still convinced I know who
Are the perps to pursue
It's like I have mental x-ray vision.
But there's many an occasion
I'll use moral suasion
To make the perp plead
So that I don't need
More violent forms of persuasion.
(Anti-thesis spoiler)
That shoe store attendant
Has become quite dependent
He got hold of my phone
And won't leave me alone
My flirting was just too resplendent.
Mom, you asked about the faxes?
With Pataki's new taxes
Your health costs are soaring
And so while it's deploring
I'm canceling your weekly manicures and waxes.
And finally Bobby informs his mother how he feels about New York City's recently instituted anti-smoking laws that make it illegal to light up in any bar or restaurant in the city.
These new anti-smoking laws
Leave me clenching my jaws
Do you think tongues will wag?
When for a beer and a fag
I transfer to a precinct in Oz?