Disclaimer: I do not own Shameless.
The Anger that I Feel Inside.
Ian awoke to the sounds of yelling. It wasn't much different from his dream. The only difference being the person doing the yelling. Debbie was responsible for the yelling downstairs. In his dream, dreams really, it was Terry. It was always Terry. Since the moment it happened, it was all Ian could think about. He relived that moment continuously whether he was dreaming or awake. He wondered if Mickey did the same. Getting up out of bed, he walked into the bathroom to get ready for school. He spent a longer time in the shower than he normally would have because it was there that he could cry.
With Fiona winning guardianship and all of the Gallagher's living under one roof again things were getting back to normal, whatever that meant. These days, normal for Ian has been panic attacks when no one's looking and sleeping less and less because every time he closes his eyes… He's gotten pretty good at hiding it though. With his face healing sometimes it's like it didn't even happen. But then he closes his eyes and he's right back on that couch again. Clenching his hands into fists hard enough until fingernails dig into skin and he bleeds, Ian wills the image away.
These days no one really paid attention to him; too wrapped up in their own little worlds. No one seems to notice, no one seems to care. They have much bigger things happening in their own lives. And that kills him. He feels as though the world should have stopped at that moment. He hates that the sun still shines and people still laugh. It makes him angry, so much so that some days he doesn't even know what he's so angry about; he's just left with the feeling. Sometimes all he has left is anger; his family being witness, sometimes victims to it, in short outburst.
Walking down the street headed to school with Lip, Mandy comes up behind them and cups Lip's crotch saying, "Guess who?"
"Jimmy's dad," Lip jokes, throwing a goofy look at Ian. Ian pushes out a fake laugh and quickly looks away before the feeling of hitting Lip takes over too much and he gives in to it. Since Ian told Mickey that he would do it; that he would be the one to kill Terry, Mickey has been M.I.A. He can't find him anywhere. So Ian takes this opportunity to ask Mandy saying, "Hey, you seen Mickey around? He's been missing. He owes me 50 bucks". Mandy replies, "He'll be on his feet soon."
"What happen?" Lip asks intrigued, hoping that maybe Mandy will be able to enlighten the situation between Mickey and his brother. "My Dad pistol whipped him." Mandy says nonchalantly. Ian looks away. "Why?" Lip pushes for answers. "Since when does anyone need a reason to pistol whip Mickey," Mandy questions. Taking a glance at Ian, Lip could see the anger radiating throughout Ian's entire body. Ian had to get out of there, so he slaps his palm against Lips stomach and says, "I'll see ya later, I have to go". He pulls up the hoodie of his green jacket and crosses the street without another word or a look back, even as Lip yells at him, "Where are you going, you've got school". Normally Lip wouldn't care if his brother skipped school or not but knowing that there was something big happening in his brother's life, something that he wouldn't talk about, Ian kind of worried him these days. Placing a hand down his pants and pulling Lip towards an empty ally, Mandy pulls Lip's attention towards her and he forgets about Ian.
After visiting all of Mickey's usual spots and coming up empty, Ian walks around aimlessly for a bit before heading to his house by the time school lets out in order to avoid the suspicions of Fiona and an awkward conversation that he really doesn't want to have. Walking into the house he finds the whole family, Kev, V, and Mandy included sitting around the kitchen table discussing ways to keep Cousin Patrick from taking the house. "Look who decided to grace us with his presence. You think you're too good for the Gallaghers' huh?", comes the annoying voice of Frank Gallagher.
"Not today Frank", Ian says as he grabs a biscuit off the counter and pulls up a seat next to Lip. At the same time Fiona says, "Knock it off Frank".
"Oh, what did I hurt the princess's feelings?" Frank says in a sing-song voice.
"Why are you here, you don't live here anymore." Ian says.
"And shortly neither will you" Frank says laughingly.
Normally the things Frank says never really bother Ian that much, but if he was being really honest with himself he was looking for a fight for a long time now. Someone to take out all of the aggression he has been feeling for some weeks now on. And Frank would suffice. Launching out of his seat he grabs Frank by the front of his collar and smashes the back of his head into the fridge. Debbie lets out a scream. After a couple of punches thrown into his "father's" face Ian's world kind of went white. The next thing bringing him back into reality is Kev pulling him off of Frank and pinning him to a wall. Liam's cries are heard in the background. Ian regains composer and starts blinking rapidly trying to remember what happened. He looks down at his hands, broken and bloody.
After the kids had been calmed down and Ian's hands taped by V, Ian goes up onto the roof of the house to be alone and smoke. Fiona is the first person to come up and try to talk to him. "What happened down there?" Fiona opens with. Ian takes a drag from his cigarette and blows out the smoke into the night air offering her nothing. "You could've killed him. You almost did, if Kev didn't pull you off." Fiona states. Ian remains silent flicking the ash off of his cigarette. "What's going on in that head of yours huh? Something's going on. I haven't seen you smile in a long time." No response. "Ian?". With a huff of her breath Fiona turns around and heads for the ladder. At the sound of Fiona descending the ladder Ian turns his head slightly to watch her leave, letting out a last puff of cigarette smoke and flicking the butt over the side of the ledge. Hearing another set of footsteps ascending the ladder, Ian rolls his eyes, takes out another cigarette, lights it and takes in a long, calming drag. Tilting his head up towards the sky to blow out the smoke, Ian hears Lip say, "I see why you never hit Frank back" going for humor. Ian watches a car pass on the street below. Wondering how long it will take Lip to get the message to leave him alone. "Is this about Mickey? Did you find him?" Lip asks. He was answered by the cool night breeze and a dog barking somewhere in the distance.
Not receiving the answers that he wanted Lip turned the conversation and asks, "Did Karen say anything to you?". A tight smile graced his face and he had to shake his head and laugh at himself at how predictable this conversation would quickly turn to be about Karen. But Ian still remained silent. "I'll just leave you to your thoughts then." Lip said as he departed.
Sometimes Ian wanted to release and tell his whole family what happened that day Terry walked in on him and Mickey. Maybe that would get rid of the pit in his stomach he constantly walked around with. But he couldn't. The only person that knew a little bit of what happened that Ian would consider maybe talking to about this, Lip, has been too preoccupied with the resurfacing of the malignant Karen and the rift she's causing his relationship with Mandy to talk to about this. Ian understands this, but it doesn't get rid of the anger that he feels inside. Hoping that the next time it resurfaced he didn't kill anybody.
Note: Sorry for the delay, didn't have Internet for a while. It was only three days but it felt like a lifetime. Then I decided to watch the episode before I did this to see how they portrayed Karen coming back and the affect it has on Mandy and Lips relationship. The way I first had it, it was this big blood war between the Milkovichs' and Gallaghers', I'm glad I scaled it back. There should be two more chapters coming before Sunday. And I'm gonna incorporate some cannon and future predictions in later chapters/vignettes. Thanks for the reviews and reads I really appreciate it from the bottom of my little fan girl heart.