.

Episode Four

The Boyfriend Regression Test

Updated 12/6/2014

-=o=-

"I hear congratulations are in order, Leonard," Howard said as they sat down for lunch in the Cal Tech cafeteria.

"Yeah," Leonard agreed, beaming happily. "I got the grant to study primordial gravity waves. It's pretty exciting."

"Not really," Sheldon sniffed, his tone of voice dripping disapproval. "Considering that the finding of the team that discovered the waves are now considered suspect and could be completely wrong."

"We're not completely sure about that yet," Leonard pointed out defensively.

"You're not completely sure," Sheldon said. "I, on the other hand, have no doubt that the team that made the discovery was wrong in its conclusions. Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster for my dark matter research!"

"I wouldn't worry about it, Sheldon," Raj said. "Even if the Bicep2 team is wrong, they can collect new data and try again." He looked at Leonard. "That's what you're planning to do, isn't it?"

"I hope so," Leonard nodded. "I just hope I don't have to do it like the original team did—at the South Pole!"

Howard looked up from his salad. "Well, Leonard, if you do end up going to the South Pole, remember not ask any of us to go with you. One trip to a polar region was enough for me."

"May I remind you, we did not go to the actual North Pole," Sheldon interjected. "We went to the magnetic North Pole—the two locations are not identical."

"Magnetic-shmagnetic," Howard joked. "Wherever it was, I nearly froze my tookus off. No way I'm going someplace like that again!"

"I'm not too keen on the idea, either," Leonard agreed. "But you have to admit, it would be exciting if we could go to the South Pole. Just think, we would be among the few people ever to visit both the top and bottom of the world!"

"Assuming that you aren't betrayed and lied to while you're there," Sheldon added, eyeing the other three men with him.

"Are you ever going to let that go?" Leonard moaned. "We already apologized for doing that." Leonard, Howard and Raj had sabotaged Sheldon's monopole experiment by running a can opener to make it appear like they were receiving positive monopole readings. When they returned to Cal Tech Sheldon claimed he'd made a breakthrough in string theory, only to retract it after learning the truth. He was so humiliated that he briefly quit the university and ran home to Texas.

"I have gotten past it, Leonard, but we Texans have long memories. Especially those of us who have eidetic memories," Sheldon reminded him, tapping his temple significantly.

"Hey, everybody," a new voice caught their attention. It was Leslie Winkle, carrying a food tray with a salad plate on it. "How's it going?" she asked.

"Leslie!" Leonard exclaimed, smiling at her. "What are you doing here at the university?" A few years ago Leslie had taken a job at Lawrence Berkley Labs, in Berkley, California.

Leslie still kept her dark hair curly and wore black-rimmed glasses similar to Leonard's, but she was wearing a business dress, quite unlike her regular attire of jeans, a hoodie and sneakers. "Dr. Gablehauser asked me to come down and talk to him about rejoining the physics department to work on gravity wave and dark matter experiments."

"Really?" Leonard said, surprised. He pointed to an empty chair at their table. "Do you want to sit down?"

Leslie took the chair and looked at Howard. "I heard you got married," she said. "How'd that happen?"

Howard smiled. "I guess I just met the right woman," he told her.

"Huh," Leslie said. "Someone willing to have sex with you who isn't your second cousin?" she surmised.

"No—I mean, yes!" Howard looked uncomfortable but Leslie had already returned to her plate, digging into her salad. "But have you heard that Leonard's engaged now?" Howard continued, to divert attention away from himself.

Leslie looked up at him, then glanced at Sheldon. "What, you mean you two finally decided to make it official?"

Sheldon looked puzzled by that comment, but Leonard shook his head. "No, Leslie. I'm engaged to Penny. You remember her?"

"Sure," Leslie nodded. "The blonde who kept dumping you. So how did you manage to swing that deal? You paying off all of her credit cards or something?"

"Very funny," Leonard retorted. "We've been together for a few years now, and we finally decided to tie the knot."

"Well, congratulations," Leslie said. "I hope she and your money will be very happy together." Leonard nodded at the congratulations, then did a double-take as he processed what Leslie added.

"Here's something that will surprise you," Howard was saying to her. He glanced at Sheldon. "Sheldon has a girlfriend."

"Oh, really?" Leslie glanced at Sheldon, who was now gazing back at her with undisguised annoyance. "Did you finally finish the Lisatronic 3000?"

"Nooo," Howard said. "She's a real person named Amy Farrah Fowler. She has a doctorate in neuroscience and she's currently working on a project for the university."

"Well, congratulations Sheldon," Leslie said to him, sounding sincere.

Sheldon appeared taken aback. "Well," he said stiffly. "Thank you, Leslie."

"You're welcome. You'll have to invite me over when your pubes finally come in so we can see what happens between the two of you."

"I—" Sheldon cut himself off as he realized Leslie was mocking him. "Oh, yeah? Well, I won't invite you now."

"Aw, too bad," Leslie said, not sounding disappointed. "Now the world will never know." She glanced at her watch. "Oh shoot, it's later than I thought— I've got to get over to Gablehauser's office, he's taking the afternoon to show me the new lab the university is building. That's where I'll be working if I take the job," she added as she got to her feet, picking up her tray. "Gentlemen," she said, nodding at them. "Sheldon," she added, and walked away.

"That will be interesting," Howard commented to Leonard. "Having Leslie back at the university, I mean." He looked around at the other guys, especially Raj. "Now, if things don't work out with Emily—as history suggest they won't—you finally have a shot at her, Raj."

"Don't be silly," Raj said, sounding hurt. "Emily and I are very happy together. "She's invited me over this weekend for a Nightmare on Elm Street marathon."

"Really?" Howard looked skeptical. "When we tried to watch the first movie a few years ago you ran and hid in the bathroom for the entire second half."

"That was the old Raj," Raj insisted. "I'm much more worldly now."

"How many of those movies are there?" Leonard asked.

"Well, there's the first seven," Raj counted them off on his fingers. "Then there's Freddy vs. Jason and then the 2010 reboot."

"Well, that ought to last the two of you all night," Howard quipped.

"Oh, the horror," Sheldon moaned. "The horror…"

"Come on, Sheldon, those movies aren't that bad," Howard told him.

Sheldon looked confused. "I was referring to Leslie Winkle returning to work at the university—I don't know what you're talking about."

-=o=-

At her desk at Zangen Pharmaceuticals, Penny was pouring over her region chart and sales itineraries. She had quite a few office visits to make in the next few days and she wanted to keep the time she spent traveling to a minimum.

Being a rep was harder than she expected. The money was good—much better than the Cheesecake Factory—but she was constantly "on," having to speak to dozens of doctors over the course of a normal week. And the amount of information she had to memorize! It was fortunate that she had become a witch about the same time she'd gotten this job, or she would be overwhelmed with the sheer amount of drug dosages, statistics and side effects she had to keep track of! Dan, her supervisor, had come close to not hiring her, and she could see why now: most reps had a college degree, usually in a biology or biochemistry degree, and were super-driven to achieve. She had gotten this job because Bernadette had browbeat him into interviewing her, and both she and Dan had only done it because they were afraid to tell her no!

Well, things had worked out for the best, for now.

Penny's phone rang. It was Kelly, the office receptionist. "Penny, there's a lady here to see you."

She wasn't expecting Bernadette or Amy. "Who is it?" she asked.

"She says her name is Serena," Kelly said. "She says she just dropping by to say hello to her cousin."

"I don't have any cousins named—" Penny cut herself off. "Oh, uh, better send her in. No, it's okay, I remember now." She put the phone down, wondering what weirdness was going to happen next.

A pretty brunette walked into her apartment, fashionably dressed and accessorized. "Hello, cuz," she said, flashing a beautiful smile. "I'm Serena. I just heard you've become one of the family and I wanted to pop in and welcome you."

"Hi!" Penny said, standing. "It's good to meet you. When I first met Maurice I didn't realize how many relatives I had."

"Oh, my dear," Serena chuckled. "We've barely broken the surface! We have so much to catch up on—how about having lunch together? I know a perfectly divine little French restaurant that you've simply got to try!"

"Um, okay," Penny said, glancing at her desk full of work. "I suppose I can get away for a little bit. Is your car here?"

"Car?" Serena looked amused. "Aren't you forgetting? We don't need cars."

"Of course. Duh!" Penny smacked her forehead. She went over and closed her office door. "But we have to be careful," she cautioned. "Nobody here knows I'm a—you know, a witch."

Serena rolled her eyes. "I don't know why you even bother with a menial job like this, cousin. There's so much more you could be doing!"

"I like it," Penny told her. "I'm still kind of new to the witchy stuff—I've only been one a couple of months now."

"Yes," Serena said. "Endora told me. In that case, perhaps you'll let me do the honors for our trip." With a snap of her fingers they both vanished.

They reappeared near a sidewalk café filled with people walking by. Penny looked around, finding her surroundings unfamiliar. "Where in Pasadena is this?" she asked.

"In Pasadena?" Serena smiled. "Nowhere. This is Paris."

"Paris? Oh my God!" Penny whirled around, taking in the sights. They were in a plaza—there was a tall column nearby, with a winged figure standing on top of it. "What's that?"

"Oh, that old thing?" Serena sniffed. "Just some old monument the mortals put up for one of their wars or something. Pay it no mind." She pointed to the café behind them. "Now here's that little restaurant I was telling you about!"

They sat down at one of the tables as a waiter brought them menus. "Um," Penny muttered, looking at the menu. "I don't speak French."

Serena looked up from her menu with raised eyebrows. "Why not?"

Penny looked puzzled. "What do you mean, 'why not?' I never learned to speak French. Well, except for words like merde and salope, that I heard from the French club in high school."

"My dear, you can speak any language you want," Serena told her. "You're a witch, remember? It's simple, really. My goodness, you are new at this, aren't you?" She made a gesture at Penny. "Try it now."

"Que dois-je dire?" Penny asked. Then, "Wow, je parle français!"

"Très bon!" Serena said. "Je vous ai dit que ce était simple!"

The waiter came and took their orders. "I guess I am really new at this," Penny said ruefully after he'd gone. "How long have you been a witch, Serena?"

"All my life," Serena smiled. "I suppose that's why I'm so good at it."

"I mean, how many years?"

"Ah-ah!" Serena shook a finger at her. "A witch never reveals her age. When you've been at this as long as I have, cousin, you'll understand why."

"I suppose," Penny said, pondering what Serena had said. The Book of Magic implied that witches and warlocks lived very long lives, over hundreds of years. "Can I ask you something?" she said to Serena.

"Of course you can," Serena answered. "Whether I answer or not is up for grabs, though."

"Okay, well here goes. You know my fiancé Leonard is mortal?"

Serena was nodding. "Endora mentioned you were engaged. Although she said your fiancé's name was Leopold."

"It's Leonard," Penny said. "Anyway, what happens if we get married and are together for 50 years—how am I going to look then?"

Serena studied her a moment. "I suppose it depends on what your hair color preference is at the time."

"I'm serious!" Penny said. "Won't I get old?"

Serena shrugged. "You can look like whatever you want, I suppose. But really, Penny—in 50 years you don't even know if you and Leopold will still be married."

"It's Leonard," Penny said again. Their meals came and they each took a bite of their entrée. "And of course we'll be married!" Penny went on. "Marriage is forever. Isn't it?"

"It can seem like forever, from what I've heard," Serena muttered. "But I've never taken the plunge, so I can't say."

"You've never been married?"

"Oh, heavens no!" Serena laughed. "Life's too short. Well, relatively, anyway, and there are too many men out there to tie myself down to one. Men are so fickle, anyway."

"Well, Leonard's not that way," Penny said, matter-of-factly.

"Oh, honey, they all are," Serena said. "Especially mortals."

"Not Leonard," Penny insisted. "He's just incapable of cheating. He's tried, and he sucks at it. He could barely cheat on me when we weren't together."

"If you say so." Serena was becoming bored. She dabbed at her lips with a napkin, then dropped it carelessly on her half-finished plate. "How about some shopping? I hear the new outfits are to die for this season."

"Well, I should be getting back to work…"

"Party pooper," Serena pouted. "We'll only be a few minutes, cousin."

"Well…" Penny shrugged. "I would like to see what they've got going on here in shoes. Okay, why not?" She began to open her purse. "Do you think they take VISA here?"

"My treat, cousin," Serena said, reaching over and closing Penny's purse. "But you're on your own for the shoes you buy." They popped out, leaving a small stack of francs on the table.

Across the plaza, another witch watched as the pair disappeared. This is an interesting development, she thought to herself. So Penny thinks her fiancé won't cheat on her? We'll just see about that. She vanished as well.

-=o=-

The next morning, Leonard arrived at his lab, sipping on a cup of coffee he'd picked up at Starbucks on his way in, and began setting up the equipment for the day's experiments. The faint odor of ozone began to waft through the room as power supplies warmed up and energy began building up in his lasers. Leonard looked around the room, remembering the times when Penny had come by to see where he worked and they ended up having sex together. A smile came over his lips; those were very happy (and pleasurable!) memories. He opened his log books and began jotting down readings from his equipment.

There was a knock on the door. It was Dr. Gablehauser and Leslie Winkle. "Dr. Hofstadter," Gablehauser said. "I'm sure you remember Dr. Winkle."

"Of course," Leonard said, taking off his goggles and walking over to join them. "Glad to see you again, Dr. Winkle." They shook hands in a formal way as Leonard tried not to remember the other ways he had held her.

"Glad to see you again, Dr. Hofstadter," Leslie said, equally formal.

"The physics department is thinking of bringing Dr. Winkle back to assist in some of the experiments we'll be doing on dark matter and gravitational waves," Dr. Gablehauser said.

"Ah," Leonard said, pretending he'd only just heard this. "It will be good having you here again, Dr. Winkle."

"Thanks," Leslie said. "It will be a good change of pace—you can only make weaponized uranium for so long before it starts to get boring."

"Ah, right," Gablehauser said, not sure whether she was joking or not. "Well, I have a few things to take care of before we meet again, Dr. Winkle. Dr. Hofstadter, I'll leave Dr. Winkle in your capable hands while I'm busy. Dr. Winkle, I'll see you in an hour in my office." They both nodded and Dr. Gablehauser left.

Now alone, Leonard smiled at Leslie, though there was a bit of tension in his features. Leslie must have sensed it, because she said, "I hope things won't be too uncomfortable for you if I come back, Leonard. Given our history together, that is. I mean, you did try to engage me in recreational sex the last time we saw one another, and I shut the door in your face."

"Oh, that," Leonard waved off the idea. "No, it's fine. I understand. I was just—things were just—I don't know…"

"Penny had just used you for casual sex and then dumped you again," Leslie said, dispassionately. "And you were trying the same thing on me."

"Well…" Leonard tried to think of another way to spin that, and failed. "I guess."

"It's no big deal, I understand," Leslie shrugged. "I suppose that little brain between your legs was doing your thinking for you back then."

"Well, I wouldn't put it quite that way…" Leonard equivocated.

"How would you put it, then?" Leslie wanted to know.

"Um, well…" Leonard thought furiously for several seconds. "I suppose like—like you said. But things are different now," he went on. "I'm engaged to Penny and we're going to be married."

"Yeah, I remember, you told me yesterday," Leslie said, smiling. "So when are you two tying the knot?
"Soon," Leonard said. "Soon. Probably in—in a year or so, when her brother can attend the wedding."

"You mean when he gets out of prison for selling meth," Leslie surmised.

Leonard frowned. "How do you know all this stuff?" he asked her.

"I read Howard's tweets," Leslie said, taking out her phone. "See, he's got a #leonardandpenny hashtag of everything going on with you two." She showed him the tweets.

"Oh, so he does," Leonard said, forcing a smile as he read some of what Howard had tweeted about him and Penny. "I'll have to talk to him about that," he muttered, with controlled irritation. "So, Leslie," he went on. "Would you like to have a look around the lab?"

"It doesn't look too different from three years ago," Leslie noted, glancing around. "How about something to drink?"

"Oh, sure." Leonard hurried over to a corner of the lab, where a portable coffee maker was set up. There was fresh coffee in the pot; one to the technicians had probably made it when they came in that morning. Leonard found a Styrofoam cup and poured coffee into it.

Unnoticed by either Leonard or Leslie, the top of Leonard's Starbucks coffee cup came off and a bit of liquid was poured in from an invisible source. The top went back on just as Leonard came by, grabbing his cup as he brought Leslie's coffee to her. "Well," Leonard said, trying to be gracious, "here's to you rejoining our department." They tapped cups and drank.

"Mmm," Leslie said, looking in her cup. "That's awful."

"Sorry," Leonard apologized. "Was it too strong?"

"No, about the same as it's always been. How's yours?"

"It's—" Leonard blinked as a strange sensation ran through his body. He looked up at Leslie, seeing the most beautiful woman he had ever beheld in his entire life. All thoughts of Penny fled before Leslie's loveliness. "It's beautiful," Leonard finished, dreamily.

"Excuse me?" Leslie said, confused.

"You're beautiful," Leonard said, setting down his cup and taking hold of her. "Leslie, I love you!"

"I—" for once Leslie was at a loss. "Uh, Leonard," she said, trying to wriggle free of his arms. "I know I'm the closest thing to an equal you'll ever find, but I—I don't think we're in the same place here."

"We're together now, aren't we?" Leonard asked, trying to press his lips to hers. She turned her head so he caught her on the cheek.

"I mean," she went on, trying to push him away. "You're a string theory man and I'm into loop quantum gravity. I don't think things will work—out—for us!" She finally managed to disengage from his grasp. "What the hell's got into you?"

"Love," Leonard said. "Love's gotten into me. I finally realize how much I love you, Leslie. I've always loved you!" He started to move toward her again.

She took a step back. "What about Penny?"

"A penny?" Leonard said. "I'd give everything for you, Leslie!"

"I mean your fiancée!" Leslie shouted, starting to freak out. "I always thought Sheldon was a dumbass, but you've gone completely nuts!"

"I am nuts for you, Leslie," Leonard took another step toward her.

Leslie grabbed a small helium-argon laser off a nearby counter, holding it between them. "Another step and I'll drop it! I'm warning you…"

"It doesn't matter." Leonard kept advancing. "I'd destroy every laser in this room if it meant I could have you, my love. Say you'll be mine!"

Desperate, Leslie tossed the laser at Leonard and ran. Leonard automatically caught the laser. "Wait! Where are you going?" he called after her. "We have to plan our life together! How many children do you want?!"

-=o=-

Penny pulled into a medical office building in Altadena, north of Pasadena, hoping to get in one more office visit before lunch. It had been a hectic morning and she was a bit frazzled from trying to get doctors to pay less attention to her body and more attention to the drugs she was selling. That was beginning to feel like a losing proposition today, she admitted to herself. It seemed like they were agreeing to meet with her because she was young, pretty and had a nice rack. Even if she did say so herself.

Just as she started to exit the car her phone rang. "What now?" she wondered, seeing it was Howard calling her. "What can he want? Hello?"

"Penny, this is Howard." He sounded agitated. "We're having a serious problem with Leonard."

"What's wrong?" Penny asked anxiously. "Is he sick?"

"In the head, maybe," Howard said. "He says he's fallen in love with Leslie Winkle."

"What?!"

"Not only that," Howard went on, "but he says they're going to be married, as soon as he can get her to drop the sexual harassment charges against him."

Penny shook her head, utterly flabberghasted. "What the hell? Where are you?"

"We're in Dr. Gablehauser's office."

"I'm close by," Penny said. "I'll be there as quick as I can!" She hung up and put her phone away, then looked around. There was nobody in the parking lot to see her. Snapping her fingers, she vanished.

She appeared a moment later outside Dr. Gablehauser's office door, invisible. His secretary was gone, probably to lunch, so she became visible again and opened the door.

The office was full of people talking at once. Gablehauser was standing behind his desk, trying to calm everyone down. Leonard and Leslie were in front of the desk, surrounded by Sheldon, Howard, Raj and a pretty black woman Penny recognized as Janine Davis, the Human Resources person for the university.

Howard, seeing Penny, went over to her. "That was quick," he said.

"What the hell's going on here, Howard?" she whispered.

"Leslie filed a harassment charge with the university," Howard said. "Leonard's been following Leslie around all morning trying to get her to admit her love for him." He was giving Penny a strange look. "Boy, you must've really broken his heart."

"I didn't do anything!" Penny said. "I don't know what's going on with—" She abruptly stopped, thinking furiously for a moment. "Serena!" she hissed to herself. "How could you?!"

"Who?" Howard asked, not understanding.

"Never mind," Penny said, waving him off, as she tried to focus on what Leonard was saying.

"I don't understand what you're upset about, sweetheart," Leonard was saying to Leslie Winkle. "I thought you came back so we could be together!"

"I wouldn't come back here if you were the last man on Earth!" Leslie shouted.

"Now Dr. Winkle, don't be hasty—" Gablehauser tried to mollify her. "Dr. Hofstadter isn't himself right now!"

"You don't mean that, my love," Leonard said to Leslie.

"Leonard!" Penny said, glaring at him.

"Oh hi, Penny," Leonard said, giving her a wave. "You remember my fiancée Leslie Winkle, don't you?"

"I'm your fiancée!" Penny snapped.

"No," Leonard shook his head. "Leslie and I are getting married later today!"

"Everyone be quiet!" Janine Davis said loudly. When everyone stopped talking she looked around the room in disbelief. "Now I don't know what's going on here, but nobody is getting married—not today, not tomorrow, no how, no way!"

"Thank goodness," Sheldon said, relieved. "This is a nightmare for me!"

Everyone stared at Sheldon. "For you?!" Penny shrieked. "What about me?!"

"Well how do you think I feel?" Sheldon protested. "It was going to be hard enough dealing with Leonard marrying you—how am I going to put up with him marrying Leslie Winkle!?"

"Alright, listen," Penny said, taking Leonard's arm. "I need to have a talk with Leonard. In private. Come on, Leonard," she ordered, pulling him toward the door.

"Can Leslie come, too?" Leonard asked.

"NO!" Both Penny and Leslie said.

"There's an empty office across the hall," Dr. Gablehauser said. "You can use that. And I need to talk to Dr. Winkle, so the rest of you get out!"

"Including me?" Mrs. Davis asked, pointedly.

"Yes!" Gablehauser said without thinking. "Er—I mean, if you please, Mrs. Davis," he added apologetically.

Penny pulled Leonard across the hall into the empty office, slamming the door. Howard and Raj both put their ears to the door as Sheldon watched. "What do you hear?" Raj asked.

"You, breathing in my ear," Howard said. "Move over!"

"What are you two doing?" Mrs. Davis snapped, seeing them pressed against the door. "Get away from there!" Both Raj and Howard quickly stepped away from the door.

"All of you follow me," she ordered. "I want you three to tell me what's been going on before I got involved." She led Sheldon, Howard and Raj off toward her office.

In the office, Leonard was trying to get around Penny. "Just let me go tell Leslie not to leave before I can talk to her," he was saying.

"Just slow down, Casanova," Penny said, holding him back. "Before you go running off after Leslie Winkle, there's something you need to know."

Leonard stopped trying to get around her. "What's that?"

"I think you've got a spell on you."

Leonard looked at her, stunned. "No. That can't be right. Why would there be a—" he realized what he was saying "—why would you put a spell on me?!"

"I didn't do it!" Penny demurred. "I think it was my cousin Serena."

"Who's cousin Serena?" Leonard asked. "Never mind—she's a witch, obviously. But why would she make me fall in love with Leslie Winkle?"

"She was talking about how fickle men are and I said you'd never fall in love with anyone else," Penny explained. "She must've taken me seriously and did—something—to you. I've got to talk to her." She looked around the room. "But we can't do it here, there's too many people around."

"But where—" As Leonard asked, Penny snapped her fingers and they disappeared.

"—at?" Leonard finished, in Penny's apartment. "Never mind," he said, as he realized where they were.

"Serena!" Penny said, looking up at the ceiling. "Come here and fix this mess!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, cousin," Serena's voice filled the apartment. She appeared next to Penny, making Leonard jump.

"I don't think I'm going to get used to that," Leonard muttered to himself.

"What's up, cuz?" Serena asked, smiling jauntily at Penny.

"You know very well what's up!" Penny snapped. She pointed at Leonard. "You fix him this instant!"

Serena looked around her at Leonard. "Oh, dear," she said, shaking her head. "I think he's beyond repair, cousin."

"You know what I mean!" Penny cried. "Take that love spell off him!"

"I never put any love spell on him in the first place," Serena said, crossing her arms stubbornly. "What makes you think I did?"

"We were just talking about it at lunch the other day," Penny said, "at that Place de la Bastille monument thingy."

Leonard looked at her, surprised. "You mean the July Column? You were in Paris today?"

"Um, yeah," Penny said, feeling guilty for some reason. "We, uh, just went to have a bite for lunch," she murmured, pointing to herself and Serena.

"Oh, so you do know Paris, Leopold!" Serena said, happily.

"It's Leonard," he said. "You must be related to Endora."

"Actually, I'm cousins with Penny on Maurice's side," Serena said. "Penny, I had nothing to do with Leonard falling in love with somebody else. We don't even know if it is magic or some mortal malady."

"How can we tell?" Penny asked.

"Time to seek medical help," Serena said. "She put her fingertips to her temples, closed her eyes, and chanted, "Calling Doctor Bombay! Calling Doctor Bombay! Emergency, come right away!"

Doctor Bombay appeared, wearing a doctor's coat, a stethoscope and carrying his leather doctor's bag. "Did someone call for a doctor?" he asked, in his British accent. "I suppose I'll have to do. Ha-ha!"

When no one else laughed, he harrumphed and gave them a stern look. "What seems to be the problem?"

"We've got a sick mortal here, Doc," Serena said, jerking a thumb at Leonard.

Bombay gave Serena an imperious look. "My dear," he said haughtily. "I am not called a witch doctor because I failed to secure a role on a mortal British science-fiction series in the early 1960s." Leonard nodded, understanding.

"What?" Penny said, not understanding at all.

"He's referring to 'Doctor Who,'" Leonard told her.

"I thought he was referring to himself," Penny said.

"We think this mortal may be affected by witchcraft," Serena said to Bombay. "He's engaged to Penny here but wants to marry another mortal."

"Well, let's have a look, shall we?" Bombay said briskly. He reached into his doctor bag and pulled out a tuning fork. Striking it on a nearby counter top, he touched the end to Leonard's forehead. The fork made a discordant ting and its tone died away.

"Ah, yes," Bombay nodded. "A love potion, undoubtedly. He reached into his bag again and took out a tongue depressor. "Open your mouth, stick out your tongue and say 'Aaah'," he told Leonard, who did so. Bombay then held the depressor against Leonard's nose. "Hmmm," he said.

"Not to worry, not to worry," he said to Penny. A prescription pad appeared in his hand, and he scribbled on it a moment and handed it to her. "It's a standard love potion. You can pick up the antidote at Postlethwaite's shop." He dropped the tongue depressor into his bag and it shut with a click. "Well, I'm off to play a few holes with my nurse. Ha-ha-ha! Cheerio, pip pip!" The doctor vanished.

"Wait!" Penny cried.

"Not to worry, my dear," Bombay's voice echoed through the apartment. "I'll send you the bill."

"That's not what I wanted to ask!" she said. "Who the hell is Postlethwaite?!"

"Don't worry, cousin," Serena said. "He's our Apothecary. He mixes up all of our potions. I can show you where his shop is. Though you're on your own after that—he's a real frisky customer, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, God," Penny moaned. "That's all I need, another lonely doctor!"

"Maybe I should go with you," Leonard suggested.

"Maybe you shouldn't," Serena disagreed. "She stands a better chance on her own—the old goat will just drag things out if he thinks he hasn't got a chance with Penny."

"He doesn't have a chance!" Penny declared.

"Hmm," Serena smiled. "Best not let him know that, if you want that antidote anytime soon." She took Penny's hand. "Come on, I'll go with you this time." The two of them vanished, leaving Leonard alone.

-=o=-

Penny and Serena appeared in front of a dilapidated little store front, with dusty windows and paint peeling off the stone walls. Looking around, Penny saw they were on an old, cobblestone road, but nothing else seemed to be visible—it was all obscured by fog or mist. Even the sky above them was indistinct, as if they were in perpetual twilight. "Where are we?" Penny asked.

"Well, we're not in Paris, that's for sure," Serena replied, giggling. "Penny, welcome to the Eternal Realm, home of witches and warlocks for uncounted millennia."

"Oh," Penny said, looking around again. "Well, it's certainly a lot more smoggy than Pasadena."

"That's not smog," Serena informed her. "Things are a bit more ephemeral here, shall we say, than back on Earth. If you've been reading your book on magic, it tells you that this is source of all our witchcraft. My cousin Samantha tended to lose her powers often, probably because she didn't spend enough time here after she married that mortal, Derwood."

"I see," Penny said. "Interesting. Do you think I could lose my powers again?"

"I don't know," Serena shrugged. "We can ask the Apothecary, if you like. Though he'll likely want to give you a full examination to find out."

On the wall next to the door was a wooden sign saying,

Postlethwaite's Potent Potions

"This must be the place," Penny said, pointing to the sign.

"Yes," Serena agreed, without enthusiasm. "Well, no use putting this off any longer. Let's go in."

An old bell jingled as they entered the shop. It wasn't very big, but it was full of shelves containing bottles filled with liquids and—other things Penny decided she didn't want to know about. Batwings and snakeskins were hanging from the walls. The countertops displayed vials of different potions, with labels indicating they would make one taller, or more beautiful, or younger-looking. There were also love potions.

Penny picked one up. "Could this be where whoever gave the potion to Leonard got it from?" she asked.

"Could be," Serena nodded. "The Apothecary is an old hand at love potions."

"Ah! What have we here?" An older warlock had appeared at a door leading into the back of the shop. He was bespectacled, had gray, curly hair, and was wearing a plaid shirt, suspenders and a bow tie. "A pair of lovely young witches! What can I do for you ladies this fine day?"

"We need an antidote for a love potion," Serena said, businesslike.

"Oh," the old man said, with a leer. "Have the two of you been a bit…curious, perhaps?"

"What? No!" Penny said. She and Serena looked at each other and shook their heads. "Not that there's anything wrong with that, but… no."

"Too bad," the old warlock mused, scratching a stubbly chin. "The two of you could definitely get my potions bubbling."

"Someone gave a love potion to my boyfriend," Penny said. "Here." She handed him the prescription. "Dr. Bombay said this was what he needed to take to cure him."

The old man stared at the script. "Eh," he muttered. "I've got some of this in the back. I'll get it for you." He shuffled into the back room and came back a few seconds later with a small bottle of deep blue liquid in his hand. "This should fix him right up," he said. "But first, there's the matter of my fee."

Serena rolled her eyes. "Here we go."

"How much?" Penny asked.

"Well, it's not so much money," the old man said, giving her a leer and a wink, "as it is a trade."

"A trade for what?" Penny asked, already dreading the answer.

"You get the bottle," the Apothecary said, puckering up. "And I get a kiss."

Penny winced. "How about a warm handshake and ten bucks?"

"Nope," the old man shook his head. "I want a kiss! A whole kiss and nothing but a kiss!"

Penny looked to Serena for support, but the brunette just shrugged. "He's your fiancé, cousin," she said. "It's up to you."

"Fine," Penny said, resigned to the inevitable. She leaned forward, and at the last second moved her lips and pecked the old man on the cheek, hoping that would be enough.

It was. "Hee hee!" the Apothecary giggled, touching his cheek where Penny had kissed him. "I still got it!"

"And you can keep it," Penny muttered under her breath, wiping her lips.

The Apothecary handed her the bottle. "Here you go, missy."

"Thanks," Penny said. She turned to leave, but stopped. "One more question," she said. "Did you happen to sell a love potion to anyone recently?"

"Well, I probably did," the Apothecary nodded. "I do have a bevy of young witches coming in who keep me hopping—in more ways than one, hee hee!"

"Wonderful," Penny said distastefully. "Can you remember who you sold it to? Maybe you keep a copy of their names in your records?"

The old warlock shuffled over to a nearby counter. "Well, I ain't too particular about names or paperwork—I figure whoever they are, it's none of my concern who they want to fall in love with—unless it's me, of course. But I did have one of them young whippersnapper fellows put in some new-fangled equipment a few years ago so's I could keep track of who's been in my shop." He pointed to a small television monitor on the counter. "This here security system takes a picture of everyone who's been in my shop." He picked up a remote control and began clicking. Images of witches began flashing on the screen, starting with Penny and Serena themselves.

"Here you are," the Apothecary said. "My, my, how nice looking the two of you are…"

"Flattery, in this case, will get you nowhere," Serena said disdainfully. The old warlock just chuckled and kept clicking the remote. Image after image of witch flicked on the display.

"Don't any warlocks come into your shop?" Penny asked.

"Sure," the Apothecary said. "But who wants to look at pictures of them?" He kept on clicking.

"Whoa! Stop!" Penny said suddenly. She stared at the screen in disbelief. "Holy crap," she said, pointing at image of the witch being displayed. "I know her! What the hell is she doing in here?"

Serena was staring at the screen. "Oh, her," she said, dismissively. "I've seen her around. You say you know her, cousin?"

"Yeah," Penny said, her voice hard. "Did you sell her a love potion?" she asked the Apothecary.

The old man peered at the screen. "Yep," he said. "Pretty little thing, ain't she? She was feisty—put up a fight before she gave me a kiss. Right here." He pointed to the bridge of his nose.

"Okay," Serena said. "We know who gave your fiancé the love potion. What are you going to do now?"

"After I get this antidote to Leonard, she and I are going to have a very serious talk," Penny snarled. She snapped her fingers and vanished.

Serena smiled at the Apothecary. "Well, thanks for everything." She raised her hand to snap her fingers.

"Say," the Apothecary said, before she could vanish. "How's about you and me doing the town tonight? What d'you say, cutie?"

"I say thanks, but I don't date fossils." Serena vanished.

"Just because there's snow on the roof don't mean there's not a fire burning inside!" the old warlock called out, then cackled gleefully at his own joke. "Hee-hee, they can't keep me out of their heads!"

-=o=-

Emily Sweeny had settled in for the evening on her living room sofa, a gothic horror novel in one hand and a cup of chai tea in the other, when there was a knock on her apartment door. She stared at it for a moment, frowning. "What does she want?" she muttered to herself, then went over and opened the door. On the other side stood Penny.

"Hi," she said, not smiling. "I need to talk to you."

"What do you want?" Emily asked.

"I want to talk about the dirty trick you pulled on me and my boyfriend," Penny said, folding her arms and striking a belligerent pose.

"Oh, that," Emily smirked. "Come on in, then," she said, gesturing Penny inside as she stepped back in front of her sofa. Penny pushed the door closed behind her.

"How'd you figure out it was me?" Emily asked, folding her arms as well.

"You were on the security camera at the Apothecary's," Penny replied.

The redheaded witch laughed. "So the old goat finally made it into the twentieth century, huh? A little bit late, if you ask me—"

"Why did you give Leonard a love potion and make him fall in love with Leslie Winkle?!" Penny demanded.

"You seemed so sure he couldn't possibly cheat on you," Emily said, unconcerned. "I thought it would be funny if something like that happened to you. You went and got him the antidote, didn't you?"

"I shouldn't have had to!" Penny shouted. "You're not supposed to treat people like that!"

"What's the big deal?" Emily shrugged. "He's only a mortal."

"Only a mortal?!" Penny stared at her in disbelief. "You're dating Raj—he's a mortal, too!"

"I don't know what business it is of yours who I date," Emily said, huffily. "Besides, you're dating one, too!"

"Well, what's wrong with that?" Penny wanted to know. "I've been dating Leonard a couple of years now!"

Emily shook her head. "Come on, don't play the dumb blonde with me. You know socializing with mortals is considered a bit outré among our kind."

"I—" Penny opened her mouth to argue, but stopped. "I haven't been a witch that long," she said instead.

"What?" Emily was startled by this admission. She sat down on the sofa. "But I saw you with Serena. She's no spring chicken."

"She's my cousin," Penny said. She sat down as well, joining Emily on the couch. "On my grandfather Maurice's side. She came to see me when she learned I'd become a witch."

"How can you become a witch?" Emily wondered.

"Latent Magic Syndrome," Penny explained. "Dr. Bombay gave me something that cured it. I've been a witch for about two months now."

"Just two months?" Emily repeated, wide-eyed. "Wow, you're practically a newborn! Sorry, I had no idea."

"Don't worry about it," Penny waved off the apology. Then she remembered what they'd been discussing. "But I've still got to ask this—what are your intentions toward Raj?"

Emily looked a little uncomfortable. "He's a nice guy—for a mortal, that is, and he puts up with my quirks." She held up the gothic novel she'd been reading. "These trashy things, and horror films. I think they're kinda cute."

"But what about Raj?" Penny wanted to know. "He's really sensitive. When his last girlfriend left him it broke his heart. If you dump him, I don't know what he'll do."

"I guess," Emily said slowly. "I don't know, really. I like Raj, and he's sort of forbidden fruit, being mortal and all. I can't promise anything Penny, but that's sort of how relationships go, isn't it?"

"I guess so," Penny agreed. She stood. "Look, I'm sorry for barging in on you," she said. "I just needed to find out what you were up to."

Emily stood as well. "I'm sorry for playing that prank on you and Leonard. From now on I'll stay clear of him. Deal?"

"Deal," Penny said. She held out her hand, and she and Emily shook. "Thanks for talking," Penny said, going to the door. Emily walked with her.

"See you sometime," Emily said, smiling. Penny nodded, smiling as well, and left the apartment, shutting the door behind her.

Emily stood staring at the door a moment. On the other side of the door, Penny paused before she left. I still hate that bitch, both thought. Penny popped away and Emily sat down with her novel once again.

-=o=-

Later, in Penny's apartment:
"Now I'm not sure what to think," Penny was saying to Leonard. "Emily seemed to realize what she was doing was wrong, but I don't know if her attitude toward mortals—I mean people—has changed."

Leonard was listening intently. He no longer felt a deep longing for Leslie Winkle, but the memories of doing so were still in his head. They felt…weird. "Maybe she'll remember, the next time she thinks of pulling something like that."

"I hope so," Penny sighed. "Especially for Raj's sake."

"It's just so strange that Emily turned out to be a witch as well," Leonard said.

"I know!" Penny agreed. "I still don't like her, but I feel like I ought to, you know—I mean, we're part of the same group and all that. It's weird."

Leonard looked conflicted. "Do you think we should tell Raj that Emily is a—you know—a witch?" he asked.

"I don't even know if we can tell him," Penny said. "What if he completely forgets about her like Amy did with me when I told her I was a witch?"

"Well," Leonard pointed out. "I didn't forget about Emily when you told me she was one. Maybe you can tell someone that somebody else is a witch, you just can't tell them that you're one."

"Maybe," Penny said, thinking about the idea. "But then how do I explain how I know? I sure can't say Emily told me. I mean, nobody will believe she and I are friends!"

"Probably not," Leonard agreed. "Hmm."

"Anyway," Penny went on, "there are still other problems we have to deal with."

"You mean the age thing?" Leonard asked.

Penny nodded. "According to my magic book, witches and warlocks live a long time. A long time—hundreds, if not thousands of years. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself if I live to be a thousand years old."

Leonard smiled gently and put his hand on her shoulder. "I don't see that as being a problem," he told her. "We have a long time to figure out how to deal with it. Maybe if, as Sheldon says, the Singularity will occur in 50 or 60 years, we could all become immortal."

"Yeah, but Sheldon just wants to become a robot," Penny said.

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nobody will notice the difference, he's practically one now," Penny said. "And I don't want you becoming a robot."

"No?" Leonard's expression turned teasing. "Well, you know, I might be able to come up with some special accessories to use on you at night."

Penny shook her head. "The accessories you have right now are good enough for me, sweetie. Just make sure you don't lose them."

"Aww, thank you," Leonard said, giving her a quick kiss. He then kissed her again, more deeply. She returned the kiss, and they embraced. In a few moments Leonard asked, "Do you feel like heading to the bedroom?"

"What's wrong with right here on the sofa?"

"Here? On the sofa? N-Nothing. Nothing at all."

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny and Leonard?"

Leonard and Penny both sighed in exasperation.

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny and Leonard?"

"What is it, Sheldon?!" Leonard said loudly. "We're kind of busy here!"

There was several seconds of silence.

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny and Leonard… Sorry to bother you, but I have a question."

"What is it, Sheldon?" Leonard asked again, tightly.

"I've been going over in my mind the drama that occurred in Dr. Gablehauser's office this afternoon, and I've been trying to work out the housing and sleeping arrangements that would be required if you began a relationship with both Penny and Leslie Winkle at the same time."

Leonard went into a facepalm as Penny tried and failed to control the smile that spread across her face. "Sheldon, why do you think I'd try to have a relationship with both Penny and Leslie?"

"Well who knows what kind of weird, testosterone-fueled ideas are swimming about in your brain, given that you might have intercourse with two different women at the same time."

"Oh my God," Leonard muttered. "That's not going to happen!" he said loudly. "This morning was just a weird obsession I had to deal with. I'm not going to have a relationship with Leslie, whether she comes back to the university or not!"

"I see… would you like to speak to your mother about it?"

"…I would not."

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind—"

"I'm fine, Sheldon! I don't need to talk about it with my mother, and it's never going to happen."

"Oh," Sheldon said. Silence for a moment. "Well, good. I really couldn't come up with a suitable sleeping arrangement for any of us, given that I still think Leslie Winkle is a pretentious hack of the highest degree and that loop quantum gravity is as loopy as eating Spaghettios on a roller coaster."

"Glad I could put your mind at ease, Sheldon," Leonard said. "Anything else?"

"No," Sheldon said. "Wait—yes. What are you two doing for dinner tonight?"

"Isn't tonight Date Night for you and Amy?" Penny asked.

"It is," Sheldon said through the door. "But we had to postpone—she's working late tonight to finish some research."

"I am a little hungry," Penny whispered.

"See?" Sheldon piped up. "Penny wants to go!"

"Damn his Vulcan hearing!" Penny muttered.

-=o=-

A/N: In case you're curious, here's the English translation for the French Penny and Serena used in the story:

"What should I say?" Penny asked. Then, "Wow, I'm speaking French!"

"Very good!" Serena said. "I told you it was simple!"