Here be the latest script for the upcoming episode, matey!
Help Me! Doctor Hazama!
Episode 6: Family Matters
Patient: Um...should you really be poking at it like that?
Hazama: Who's the doctor here?
Patient: I really don't think you should be doing that...
Hazama: I'll do whatever I damn well please!
Patient: You're gonna burst a vessel and- (Suddenly in pain) Y'AAAAAAHHHHHHH!
(There are shrill but hilarious sounding cries of pain coming from off-screen. Hazama is operating on a patient right now. He is screaming very odd things. When he is all done, he takes a sigh of relief and chuckles)
Hazama: Whew! Another successful operation!
Patient: (Enraged) What the hell did you do that for? You could've killed me!
Hazama: I put duct tape over your heart, didn't I? That should stop the bleeding!
Patient: What is tape gonna do? I'm bleeding internally!
Hazama: Well, you should have taken better care of your body, mister.
Patient: WHAT? YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN POKING AT IT!
Hazama: I'm a doctor, good sir, I think I know what I'm doing.
Patient: That's it! I'm going to have your medical license for this!
Hazama: Pssssh. Good luck with that one.
Patient: You think I'm kidding? I'm dead freaking serious! Where's your phone? I'm calling the police!
Hazama: You don't want to call the police. Here, lemme take you to our Complaint Department. You can file your qualms about my performance right there.
Patient: Good! I will! (Sudden frightened) Hey...why are we going outside? Why is there a hole in the ground right there? Are...are those sharks with fricken laser beams attached to their *heads*? (Make your voice squeak at "heads")
Hazama: Bon voyage, mother #%^*! Whoo-ah!
(Hazama kicks the patient into the pit of despair)
Patient: (Deathly girlish scream)
Hazama: (Enters the frame) Another job well done! Sometimes I even surprise myself by how good I am. I'm friendly with the customers, I finish an operation in ten seconds flat, and I save money on medical supplies by using sub-par office tools. Now that's economics! Hmm. If only Nurse Vermillion and that cat-lady were here to share in my success. Too bad they're away at that furry convention. I just don't get what's so irresistible about pandas. They make good burgers, but still. They were put on earth for eating not cuddling. All this talk of food is making me hungry...I could really go for a boiled egg right now. But I can't exactly leave the clinic with Big Boobs McGee breathing down my neck. I need another assistant...like right now...
Tsubaki: (Enters the clinic) Good morning, Ms. Litchi! I came by to-oh. She's not here.
Hazama: How do I do that? Why, with these powers I have...I could be a superhero! I could protect the innocent, defend the weak, FIGHT FOR WORLD PEACE! But first...!
(Scoots over to Tsubaki)
First Lieutenant Tsubaki Yayoi.
Tsubaki: (Cautious) Cap-Captain Hazama!
Hazama: My, my, my. What's my old subordinate doing in a place like this?
Tsubaki: I-I could ask you the same thing.
Hazama: Didn't you hear? I quit the Intelligence Department. I'm a doctor now, a certified P.H.D. and M.D.!
Tsubaki: Captain Haza-
Hazama: Doctor Hazama.
Tsubaki: Um. Doctor Hazama. Why are you here in Ms. Litchi's clinic?
Hazama: I rent the place out during the evening. I normally have help, but Little Miss Noel and that kaka girl aren't here right now.
Tsubaki: Noel…and Tao? Then what Jin said was true. (Accusing) You really did kidnap them! You're forcing them into slave labor!
Hazama: Isn't that what all jobs are about? And I didn't kidnap those two, as odd as that sounds. They volunteered to be my assistants.
Tsubaki: [Baffled] But why would Noel quit her job at the N.O.L. to work here? I don't understand at all! She had a great job and she had the best boss in the world! Jin always took care of her!
Hazama: Oh I bet he did.
Tsubaki: Tell me. Where are Noel and Tao?
Hazama: They went to some furry convention in Tallahassee.
Tsubaki: [Concerned] Oh dear…I hope Noel doesn't injure another man in a suit. She broke a poor man's uvula last year!
Hazama: How can you break a-?
Tsubaki: You don't want to know…
Hazama: I see.
Tsubaki: Well, Cap-ah-Dr. Hazama…[Determined] I demand to speak with Noel when she returns. I'm not going to move an inch from this clinic until I do!
Hazama: Is that right?
Tsubaki: [Readying herself for battle] She doesn't understand the position she's placed herself in. She hasn't the foggiest idea of what you're capable of! I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago!
Hazama: You're gonna try and kill me to save her?
Tsubaki: No. [Proudly] I'm going to lecture her!
Hazama: Yeah…sure.
Tsubaki: I'm not going to let you destroy another innocent life! You evil, heartless, monster!
Hazama: You know, I was going to offer you something, but now I don't think I will because you're being a big meanie.
Tsubaki: Hmm? [Slightly curious] What?
Hazama: It's nothing. I'll just go back to writing my medical journals. You stay here and try not to walk into any walls.
Tsubaki: [Offended] I'm not helpless! Just because I'm blind, it doesn't give you the right to-
Hazama: And I was going to give you this shiny nickel if you'd listen to what I had to say. Oh well. You're loss.
Tsubaki: [Gasp] N-N-Nickel…?
Hazama: Yeah, a nice brand new nickel.
Tsubaki: C-Can I hold it for a minute?
Hazama: Hmm? Is the First Lieutenant a coin collector?
Tsubaki: [Takes the nickel. She runs her fingers all around it] This nickel…it's no ordinary coin, is it? The face is different. There are legs…a strong a lean body…and the feet…could they be hooves? [Realizes what she's holding. Trying to contain herself] Is this a…Buffalo Nickel...?
Hazama: Eeyup. I got it a few weeks ago when I went to Texas to troll a silly radio talk show host. Whaddya think of it?
Tsubaki: This coin is worth over $500 here! Maybe even more!
Hazama: Would you like it?
Tsubaki: Wha-? You're just going to give it to me? Thank you so much! I- [Suddenly suspicious] What's the catch?
Hazama: Ohhhh you caught me! I expect nothing less from a First Lieutenant! You see, Dr. Hazama's got the munchies and he needs to satisfy his food hole. I wanna run to the store to buy myself some eggs, but I can't leave the clinic unattended.
Tsubaki: So you want me to watch the clinic for you while you go grocery shopping?
Hazama: You are so smart! I'm proud of you, My Little Tsubaki! But yeah, if you could watch this place for me, that'd be swell.
Tsubaki: I don't think I can-
Hazama: Do me this teensy weensy favor and I'll let you keep the ~nickel~.
Tsubaki: [Announcing] I'll do it! I will protect this clinic with my life! No marauder or evildoer shall pass through these doors!
Hazama: It's a little late for that.
Tsubaki: [Normally] But…I'm doing this just for Phillip, please don't mistake my intentions.
Hazama: Phillip?
Tsubaki: Phillip is the name of my new friend.
Hazama: You mean the nickel?
Tsubaki: [Offended] Don't call him that! Phillip is not a nickel!
Hazama: Okay…I think I'm gonna go now.
Tsubaki: Good…good. [Happily] Phillip and I need to become better acquainted.
Hazama: [Walks away] Sheesh…one wooden nickel and she goes all loopy. And they say I'm the crazy one.
[Later, Tsubaki sits at the desk with the nickel standing upright, talking to it. She is manning the phones as Hazama is away on business. She just changed into her academy uniform to appear more presentable]
Tsubaki: So I just added the ointment and it eventually went away!
[Silence]
Tsubaki: Oh, Phillip! You're such a good listener!
[Phone rings]
Tsubaki: [Picks up] Hello, Dr. Hazama's office?
Prank Caller: [Obnoxious laugh] Hey, is your refrigerator running?
Tsubaki: I suppose…?
Prank Caller: [Almost loses it] Well then, you better go catch it! BAHAHAHAHA!
Tsubaki: That's impossible. Refrigerators can't run!
Prank Caller: Eh, what?
Tsubaki: [Lecturing] It's very simple: you see, refrigerators are inanimate objects. Inanimate objects have no soul; so therefore, they have no essence of life. Secondly, refrigerators have no legs so they have no means in producing kinetic energy.
Prank Caller: You know, lady? You're kinda taking the fun out of this.
Tsubaki: Now do you understand why a refrigerator cannot move?
Prank Caller: Um…you mean like a nickel?
Tsubaki: [Gasp. Enraged] HOW DARE YOU? PHILLIP IS NOT A NICKEL! PHILLIP IS A PERSON JUST LIKE YOU AND ME!
Prank Caller: Who's Phillip?
Tsubaki: You evil demon! Don't discriminate because someone looks a little different than you! I'll have you arrested for your racist remarks!
Prank Caller: Look, lady. I just want to get through this crank call, okay? Do you think you can take the time to appreciate my cleverly devised, and totally original, joke?
Tsubaki: Never! I will make sure that Phillip and I receive punitive damages for your hurtful words! Good day to you, sir!
Prank Caller: Okay, whatever-
Tsubaki: I said GOOD DAY!
[Hangs up]
Tsubaki: [Sighs heavily] Idiot!
[Phone rings]
Tsubaki: Dr. Hazama's office?
Admirer: [Nervous] Um, h-hi.
Tsubaki: Hello. Can I help you?
Admirer: Yeah. I, uh, I just need you listen for a minute. This won't take long.
Tsubaki: [Slightly afraid] Um…who is this?
Admirer: Just a guy…who's gonna…[Gulps]…express someone's true feelings today. You've been watched from afar, uh…and admired every day of your life.
Tsubaki: E-Excuse me…?
Admirer: If I don't get this out, it's gonna be torture. So please…just listen…
Tsubaki: I'm going to hang up.
Admirer: [Starts to sing…badly] If you dance with me…tonight [Sniff]…if you let me hold you tight…
Tsubaki: What in the world?
Admirer: If you dance with me…I'll…[Squeaks]…I'll never let you goooooooo. If you take a chance on me…if you come with you'll see…that this world is nothing…nothing…[tries to hold in the tears]…without you…in my l-life…
Tsubaki: This is kind of creepy…
Admirer: If you come with tonight…you will see just what I…I…if you come into my life…I'll yearn to make you…my..my…Ohhhhh my ladeh…won't you come with me…toni- [Cried loudly and obnoxiously] I love you, Noel! I love you! [Phone hangs up abruptly]
Tsubaki: [Hangs her phone up] What a strange person. I guess Noel must be popular with the boys or something.
[Carl enters the clinic]
Carl: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
Tsubaki: Huh? Carl?
Relius: [Enters after him. Sighs.] Will you please shut your mouth...?
Carl: No! I hate you!
Relius: This is becoming quite bothersome. [Irritated] My boy, if you do not cease this behavior, then I will have no choice but to punish you for your insolence.
Carl: You're not the boss of me!
Relius: Unfortunately, I am your father. So you must do as I say!
Carl: [Blows raspberries at him]
Relius: [Very irritated] Ugh. Wait until your mother hears of this…
Tsubaki: Excuse me? Can I help you?
Relius: Hmm? [Normally] Oh, why hello there, First Lieutenant Yayoi.
Carl: [Very excited] Tsubaki! Hi! How are you?
Tsubaki: [Happily] I'm fine, thank you. And yourself?
Relius: Indoor voice, please, Carl.
Carl: Up yours!
Relius: [Gnashing his teeth] Why you no good…!
Carl: You smell like a bunch of toenails!
Relius: I believe we have already had a discussion about that tone of yours. This is your last warning.
Carl: Come at me, ya big palooka!
Tsubaki: [Gets in-between them] Please, stop fighting! Now, what seems to be the problem here?
Relius: Well, First Lieutenant, you see…
Carl: Go choke on a sausage, ya fruity looking clown!
Relius: [Losing his temper] There is no way…no way…you came from my loins. Oh dear…why didn't I perform interruptus when I had the chance?
Carl: Well, you should have thought about that before you decided to marry Mom, huh?
Relius: [Surprised] That's about the most intelligent thing you've said in your entire life, Carl. I would be proud of you if I was not battling the urge to stomp you into oblivion.
Carl: Bring it on, old man!
Tsubaki: [Desperate] Please, stop it! Violence won't solve anything!
[Hazama enters the clinic with a grocery bag]
Hazama: Honey, I'm home!
Tsubaki: [Relieved] Thank goodness!
Carl: Yo-You!
Relius: [Surprised] Hazama? What brings you to this place? The last time I saw you, you were lying in a bloody heap.
Hazama: Yeah no thanks to you, ya smarmy bastard.
Relius: If only Ragna had finished you off like he was supposed to, we wouldn't have had to suffer that uncouth display.
Tsubaki: Dr. Hazama, these two cannot stop fighting. I don't know what to do! Please, help me!
Relius: [Intrigued] Doctor…Hazama? So you're a medical practitioner now? [Chuckles] How interesting. Please…tell me more…
Hazama: Ugh. Do I really have to give that introduction again? Honestly, I've been doing that song and dance since episode one. I bet everybody's getting sick of that spiel by now. [Sighs] Oh well, what's one more time? [Unfeeling] I'm Dr. Hazama, yadda yadda yadda, P.H.D. and M.D., blah blah blah, problems, blarggity blarg blarg, you get the idea. Are you satisfied now?
Relius: [Disappointed] I suppose.
Carl: I want my Happy Meal, dammit!
Relius: Carl, what have I told you about your language?
Carl: [Sarcastically] Sorry, Pa, I forgot.
Relius: [Annoyed] Don't call me that...
Hazama: So Colonel Relius is having some family issues, huh?
Relius: Unfortunately. If I could go back in time and stop myself from marrying that horse of a woman, I would do it in a heartbeat. Never get married, Hazama. Never get married.
Hazama: Oh I know plenty about marriages, old buddy, believe you me. I helped out a couple a few months ago, come to think of it, but it's a real shame how the husband cheated on his wife with a blob of trash. Right in front of her too!
Relius: Oh? Who is this couple?
Hazama: Our own Kokonoe and that magnet loving freak!
Relius: Kokonoe, huh? [Chuckles] Somehow that doesn't surprise me. But isn't Mr. Tager a wee too gargantuan for her? I don't think a fragile thing like her can handle the Gigantic Tager.
Hazama: Now are you talking about that certain attack he does or…?
Carl: [Whiney] I WANT A HAPPY MEAL!
Tsubaki: [Softly] Carl, you need to stop. You're upsetting your father. [Annoyed] Not to mention annoying me…
Relius: So…what exactly do you specialize in, Hazama? Surely you can right the perils of family crises? It would be appreciated if you could lend me your services.
Hazama: Can do, my friend! Pop a squat in those chairs over there and we can talk all about it!
[Relius and Carl sit at the desk]
Tsubaki: [Stands behind Hazama] Do you really think you can settle this dispute, Doctor?
Hazama: I'm gonna try. Just follow my lead, 'kay?
Tsubaki: [Shocked] Huh? You mean-you want me to help you?
Hazama: Well, duh! I can't do everything by myself! That's what interns are for. [Turns to the Clovers] So what seems to be the problem guys?
Carl: [Whining angrily] Daddy was supposed to take me to McDonald's so I can get a Happy Meal. He promised he'd get me one after school, but now he says he's not going to!
Relius: You were misbehaving. I had to do something.
Carl: What did I do that was so wrong?
Relius: Well for starters, you placed laxatives into a very hefty man's ice cream sundae, you robbed an elderly gentleman of his dentures so you could play woodchuck, and you slapped Mrs. Robinson in the face with a piece of salmon. Should I even mention the water balloons you flung at your school teacher this morning? The contents of those projectiles weren't actually water…now were they…?
Carl: [Playing dumb] I have no idea what you're talking about…
Relius: [Grunts] Of course you don't.
Hazama: Interesting. So Carl, you're mad 'cause you didn't get your stupid tater tots and fries, right?
Carl: It wasn't just that! I wanted the toy that comes with it too! It's an action figure from my favorite TV show!
Relius: It still amazes me how a boy your age watches the Power Puff Girls. If you were my son, you would be watching quality programming such as the History Channel or National Geographic.
Carl: Those channels are booooooring! And I hate that Aliens guy too!
Relius: [Offended] Bite your tongue, you wretched imp! Giorgio Tsoukalos is very knowledgeable about the Ancient Astronaut Theory! His program is not boring!
Carl: [Imitates Relius' last sentence in a mocking tone]
Relius: You little miscreant…!
Tsubaki: Please, you two! Calm down! This is not the way a father and son should be behaving towards each other! [Very warm and caring] Carl…Colonel Relius is your father. You need to show him the respect that he deserves. You know that he loves you and that he cares about you very much. You're his only son. You mean the world to him.
Carl: We-Well…
Tsubaki: And Colonel, I know Carl can be a handful at times. He's a young boy; boys his age can get a little rambunctious some times. It's good to discipline him, but you can't be too harsh on him.
Relius: I can't spare the rod lest I spoil him.
Tsubaki: Have you ever tried communicating your feelings with him in a peaceful and loving tone, instead of inflicting corporal punishment?
Relius: [Thinks about it] You know…I don't think I ever did…
Tsubaki: [With a warm smile] You see? If the two of you just communicate with each other like adults…like father and son…then maybe you can work out your differences without violence. You two can have a chance at living in perfect harmony together.
Relius: Hmm. Perhaps the First Lieutenant is right. [To Carl. Heartfelt] My boy, we need to settle our differences in a mature manner. We should not bicker any longer. I'm…I am very sorry for being so strict towards you.
Carl: [Sniffles] I…I'm sorry too, Dad. I-I love you…
Relius: [Softly] I…I love you too, son.
Tsubaki: Much better. Do you understand, Dr. Hazama? Sometimes it just takes a little love and forgiveness to solve a dispute.
Hazama: Ugh. It makes me wanna throw up.
Relius: Come along, Carl. Let's go get you that Happy Meal.
Carl: YAY!
[Carl runs out the door]
Relius: Thank you, First Lieutenant. That was very noble of you.
Tsubaki: [Blushing] Yo-You're very welcome…Colonel…
Relius: Hazama, I must be on my way now. I wish you the best of luck in this new business endeavor of yours. I will be returning at some point to see how you're faring. Keep the place ship shape, all right?
Hazama: No promises.
Relius: Oh, and before I forget. When the boy and I get home…[Evil chuckle] I'm going to tell him that he's adopted.
Tsubaki: WHAT?
Hazama: KYAHAHAHAHA! That's the stuff! You had me fooled there for a second!
Relius: My dear trickster, I always deliver! Now if you'll excuse me, there is a childhood that I need to ruin some more.
[Relius leaves]
Tsubaki: [Depressed] After all that…after everything I said…
Hazama: You should have known better: Relius is a Grade A jackass. He's incapable of love. Just like me!
Tsubaki: [Whimpers as she tries to hold in her tears]
Hazama: Cheer up, My Little Tsubaki! Whaddya say I go boil us some eggs, hmm? I bet that'll make you feel better!
Tsubaki: Why are people…so sinful…? Why are people here so evil…?
Hazama: Now where did I put those eggs? [Walks off-screen]
Tsubaki: Well…at least now I can go back to my office at the Librarium. I can put this all behind me and pretend like it never happened. Yes, that's what I'll do.
Hazama: Oh and uh, Tsubaki? You're gonna be working here as my assistant from now on. Sound good?
Tsubaki: Wh-What?
Hazama: I could use someone of your talents to aid me in my future antics. We'll do just like we did today: you lift their spirits and I'll make them come crashing down lickety split. I can just imagine all the tears and cries of anguish we'll get from our customers. We'll be one big happy family: you, me, Tao, and Noel! We'll be breaking people's hopes and dreams and trolling to our hearts' content!
Tsubaki: Do-Don't I have a say in this at all?
Hazama: You work for me or I'll tell everybody in Kagutsuchi that you wear Hannah Montana panties to bed.
Tsubaki: [Embarrassed] Bu-Bu-But I don't! I never did!
Hazama: Who are they gonna believe? A crazy blind chick who named her nickel Phillip or a certified birth giver? You tell me!
Tsubaki: [Depressed] I…I…I…oh…[Falls in defeat]
Tsubaki: [Mentally. Sadly] And that's how I became Dr. Hazama's third assistant…
FIN