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AN: Sorry if I'm boring anyone with the horse stuff... Not really sure about this chapter it's a big change in tone but here goes...
Brendan POV...
"You've fallen for him haven't you?" Ann asks as they sit going through which horse has which number for which class on what day. A tedious task that needed to be done. It helped him set his mind on the classes through. Helped put them into order. He's had the schedule for weeks but it's only a couple of days before the show starts he lets himself focus on it. He's read out the class times so many times to owners that he knows it like the back of his hand but that's different. Knowing when a class is and knowing what the class is about are two different things.
Dublin is a massive show for him, for them, for everyone involved in the yard. The money on offer, the chance to step a horse up, a chance if he performs well that he'll be offered another top class horse, he's got his string but there's always room for one or two more, there's always the opportunity to be offered that horse that really takes him to the top. He's got his hopes with Jack, Nico, Red and Jim that he's got a Rio horse there but nothing is ever certain in the horse world.
Horses for all their strength and power are fragile and there's never a guarantee with them.
He would love Des to be fit and firing so they could do the International Grand Prix, go up against some of the best horse and rider combinations in the world but it's not to be. He'd only let Des out in the field for a couple of hours, booted him up to make sure he didn't injure his legs but he'd still managed to come back lame. It was one of those things.
"Ignoring me isn't going to shut me up Brady."
"If only." He sighed.
"So? You and Ste?"
He shrugs a bit.
He hasn't seen him in days with everything he needed to do for Dublin, he couldn't afford to be distracted it was too important. He had to make sure that the horses are right, the tacks clean which is more Ann's department but he still likes to check himself, everything is in place, making sure that the owners feel included, know the plans, have them ring every day and check that everything is still alright and to check the class time again and again.
He misses him. Never thought that someone who he'd just met could leave a hole in his life by not being around.
"Don't give me that, I've seen the way you are with him." Ann says. "This is more than just a fling isn't it?"
He shrugs again but leaves the paperwork alone. He doesn't know what he and Steven are. He just knows that he misses him when he's not around, misses him in his bed because for all the sentiment that seems to be welling up about him, Steven is a fire cracker, willing, able and frankly the best fuck he's ever had. It's more than just his body, it's the way he tastes, feels, the noises he makes, the insatiable look in his eye, the lust for him, doesn't matter where or when Steven wants him. He misses waking up to him in his bed all fluffy hair and peaceful, the way Steven grumbles and moves in his sleep when he kisses him before having to get up even though he doesn't want to, even if he wants to stay right there with him.
"You're the fall hard and fast type Brendan."
The day he'd come back from the yard and found him making them dinner in his kitchen, asking about his day. He'd seen a vivid display of what his life could be like with Steven in it, how it could work instead of just wanting it.
"That skinny little hot body of his has had you tied in knots since you first laid eyes on him… You don't do dating yet you've taken him out even after you'd slept together. You do one night stands and kick them out. You don't invite anyone for take away and film and stroke their hair while me and Cheryl are around looking the most content I've ever seen you… You don't kiss someone like you kiss him without being deeply into them, although I'm sure you have been, given the number of condom's you've gone through."
He glares at her. Just because he'd put another two packets on the shopping list as he hadn't had time to go out.
She rolls her eyes and tuts at him then softens a bit.
"Nothing wrong with falling in love Brendan."
He can't deny it. He never believed that people could be made for each other, he'd always believed that he'd have to make do. He'd married Eileen because he decided to make do, horrible as it sounds.
They had dated when they were in school, she was from a good family, he was always told how lucky he was, he couldn't admit to who he was, feared it would break his career that no owner would touch him if they found out he was gay, his father had instilled in him that being gay was unnatural, sick and most importantly a sin against god. He'd messed around with a few men here and there when he was drunk. In England he was a no one and it couldn't get back to his father or his sister. He could be a no man and do what he liked even if it made him hated himself for finding more pleasure than he had ever known in another man rather than a woman.
Eileen had waited for him. Put up with fleeting visits while he was in England working his way up. She wanted to get married have kids, he hadn't seen anything wrong with that. It was what was expected of him so he had done it.
When she had come to live with him in England he had already started to make his way up the ranks, had managed to win a couple of good classes enough to rent a nice little house. She'd never had anything to do with horses but she saw it like he was like any other husband that worked away a lot. She was to keep him house and his kids happy. Be the dutiful wife and spend all his money. She'd come to the parties and the shows when they were local enough. She'd seen the glamour, all the minted posh people who were around, the size of the prize money, the cost of the horses. She had seen it all without understanding it.
It wasn't until they moved back to Ireland that she had realised what it was actually like. With his own yard she had expected that he'd be able to employ loads of staff and spend less time away, spend more time taking her out… It was the yards location that had put a serious hole in their marriage. It wasn't close enough to Dublin for her. She was stuck without being able to go shopping, without being able to see any friends that she had managed to stay in touch with. She had to drive the kids to school because there was no bus. Everything was about the horses and not about her now he worked for himself and not someone else, now he had to do the organising.
When he'd met Ann she had been between jobs having just quit an eventing yard, where she had been bringing on youngsters for the multi-disciplined sport but it wasn't getting her where she wanted to be. She was talented with horses, knew how a yard worked and wanted to be involved in an up and coming rider and yard. She had been at one of the Horse of the Year show parties and she'd asked for a job then and there. It was only when she'd done her months trial that he had decided that he liked her, her bluntness, foul mouth, she said what she thought and liked a reaction she wasn't worried about what people thought of her too much. She was free in a way he wanted to be.
When he'd employed Vinnie he'd been thinking with his dick. The writing was on the wall for him and Eileen it just needed something or someone to finish it off. He'd long since given up denying to himself at least that he was straight. He'd seen that it couldn't effect his career, no one cared who he was banging as long as he was producing results in the ring. Vinnie had been sweet, terribly naïve and so eager to impress it was painful at times.
He'd been rotten drunk and had just given in. He knows that he wanted to get caught. He was so tired of pretending. So tired of not being who he was.
Eileen had flipped her lid packed her clothes and taken the kids with her to her mothers.
In the aftermath he decided that there was no better time to come out. His Dad was dead. His wife had caught him in bed with a man, it wasn't like he even wanted to deny it. He'd worried about it.
Ann didn't care, she had half an inkling anyway when he'd disappeared with Mike one of Peter's grooms during a party. She didn't change the way she treated him just said it made sense why he hadn't tried it on with her and winked at him.
Cheryl had been upset that he'd lied but had accepted him straight away.
Vinnie had stayed for a while but he had wanted a relationship. Brendan didn't. Vinnie wasn't for him and as soon as Vinnie realised that it wasn't going to happen he'd left.
And that was it.
He'd had one night stands, two if they were good, whenever the need took him but he hadn't had a relationship. Hadn't wanted to settle down.
Steven though… Steven was different. It was like he was made for just for him. It's easy and fun, lust and contentment… He knows he's in love with Steven.
"You've got to tell him." Ann states.
"He leaves in a week and a half." He sighs, a few days had been bad enough when Steven was just up the road and his distracted with Dublin but even then he'd been thinking about him, missing him. If he leaves…
"Ask him to stay."
He's being trying to work out if he should. Ask Steven to give up a job he loves, Steven told him how much he loves it, seeing his kids when he pleases, Steven adores his kids… For what? To live on Brendan Brady's yard two hours from Dublin, ten miles from the nearest village… To give up everything to live with him, his sister, Ann, Thea, a couple of working holiday girls, holiday guests and twenty three horses? When he won't be at home more than five weeks in a straight run… That he'll go to a competition come back have two days, up to four at home before he's away again most of the year… And if he gets into the top tier it'll be worse because he'll have to travel a lot more, abroad especially. On top of the shows he does in England, he'd be going to Germany, Spain, France, America, all over the world.
It's too much to ask.
"I can't."
"Why the hell not?"
"He'd hate it here."
"He isn't Eileen."
"I know he's not." She wouldn't have just accepted that he couldn't see her because he was busy the way Steven had. She'd have demanded time. But then maybe Steven doesn't mind because this is a holiday thing for him. A bit of a fling to entertain him… It doesn't feel that way. The way Steven looks at him is too…
He sighs and scrubs his hair.
"He doesn't know what he'd letting himself in for. He doesn't know what it would be like."
"He's good for you. He's lovely and a laugh, we all get on... Don't throw it away because you're scared…"
"I'm not scared."
"You're scared he won't want to stay." Ann frowns. "You're scared that he doesn't love you back?"
"No." Steven not loving him back would be the best thing for him.
"You're scared that he does?" She shakes her head. "For fucks sake Brendan sometimes you're the stupidest bloke I know."
"I'm asking him to give up everything for me when I'm not even here most of the time."
"So? He can come with us. He doesn't have to stay home all the time." That's true. He doesn't. He can come with them to shows. He'd considered it but it'd be boring for him. Traipsing all over the place, sleeping in the lorry...
"He doesn't like horses." That's a crux because every aspect of his life involves them in some way. He'd even met Steven because of them. He won't give them up, won't give up his career or his home for anyone. He'd be miserable without them. They're his solace. No matter how bad his day is going out on a ride calms him down because if he doesn't calm down then the horse knows and they get upset and act up.
"He doesn't know about horses." Ann replies. "Give him the chance to see what you do."
"How?" Telling someone is one thing, living it is completely different.
"He's coming to Dublin with his family, give him a backstage pass. Show him what you do, what we all do and see if it's something he could get into."
He can't sleep. He keeps thinking about what he's got to offer and it just isn't enough… He couldn't bare to see Steven miserable. Couldn't take fake smiles as Steven tries to reassure him that it's fine that he's fucking off to another country to ride. He couldn't take it. It's better that he's had this much of him. That he gets Steven for a couple of weeks then they go their separate ways… He tenses at the thought of never seeing him again, his life looks so bleak without him… Going back to being alone, but he wouldn't be alone, he'd find someone else… He'd make do just like he had before and Steven would go back to his life… Maybe he'd think about him so days, remember the holiday he'd had in Ireland and remember what it was like, how good it was… It's better if they end when Steven holiday ends.
He's in a terrible mood. He's tired. He hadn't had time to even finish his breakfast before he'd gotten a phone call from Pete asking if he could possibly find time to ride one of his horses in the accumulator because he had another class at the same time. He agreed because he liked a good accumulator and Bass the horse Pete was offering was a good one. Then there had been sorting out who was doing what when. They'd eventually agreed that Pete's team would bring the horse up the day before the class so he could jump him a bit and get used to him even if it was just a couple of practice fences, then they would bring him to the collection ring on the day of the class and all Brendan would have to do was get on and do the class.
Then there had been Mrs Friars asking about Des which had lead to a lengthy discussion on what to do with him when he was back jumping and what shows to aim for.
Then there have been Ken Jones ringing to triple check the time of the class. Linda O'Brieg ringing to ask if he could possibly be at her daughter's class to walk the course with her, which he couldn't because he was in a class with one of her horses no less.
He rocked back in his chair. He needed to get out of there. He'd been locked in all morning.
He see's the car Steven's been driving around in.
He wants to see him. Needs it. He looks around the yard… Step out further and wonders if he'd gone to the house… Ann's busy and he knows better than to disturb her when she's packing the lorry. He wonders towards the inner yard and see's him sitting on the top of the bank around the arena.
He strides up the track.
Steven's on his phone.
"This is where you're hiding."
"I'm not hiding." Steven replies putting his phone away and smiling up at him.
"I am." He drops down next to him. "Save me from owners who can't read a schedule."
"Would if I could." It warms his heart. Steven hasn't got a clue what he'd going on about and he's still offering.
Sitting next to Steven is relaxing him, just his presence is enough to calm him down make him forget about the things that don't really matter concentrate on what does. This is going to end… It runs through him.
He wonders if Steven can sense it for half a second when he gets up, but then he sits behind him and starts massaging him shoulders. And it's so good. Steven's hands on his shoulders, on his back working the muscles, talented fingers on his neck, just the right pressure, the right touch and he's groaning and wanting more. Always wants more of him.
"I should have rang but…" He feels guilty as hell about it now taking the care that Steven is offering.
"Brendan, it's fine don't worry about it." Steven's tone is light and breezy. He leans back against him.
"I missed you, you know?" He has to admit it, make sure that Steven knows that.
"I missed you too." He sounds so sincere, his fingers grip at his jumper a bit, pulling him a little further into his body.
"Brendan! Fisher's on the phone!" Ann shouts.
Fucking Fisher. He sighs and pulls Steven up. He's here, he wants to enjoy it for a bit.
"Give me one minuet."
He half listens to Fisher taking about a young rider's horse that he has that he wants Brendan to trial at Dublin since it's going to be there. He agrees. Fisher has some good horses.
"… I'll see you there."
"When was the last time you ate?" Steven asks out of the blue and he looks around and spots the half eaten bacon sandwich, what a waste.
"Had breakfast."
"I take it that was it." Obviously.
"Come on. I'll make you something." Steven reaching for his hand to pull him out of his seat.
"Steven I…" Haven't got time. The phone starts ringing as if to prove his point.
"Keys." Steven demands. He hands them over while he listens to Henry, one of lads he'd met in England who had gone onto another yard talking about a young horse that's one the yard, a good one apparently that's up for sale and if he knows anyone that would be interested. He's not but he promises to put the word around at Dublin about it.
He leans back in the chair and tries not to think about the fact that he had asked Steven to the rider's party and the formal when he'd been so fucked out that it had seemed like a good idea. When he'd been enraptured by what their life together at home could be like instead of facing the facts.
"Here you go." Steven places the plate down. The sandwich is huge, now he's got food in front of him he realises just how hungry he is. And it tastes great, like everything Steven cooks.
He's already invited Steven to the parties… He may as well go all the way… Ann told him to give Steven a chance to see what his life was like… Maybe Steven won't hate it… If he does it proves the point that it would never work between them long term.
"Tickets. This is a groom's pass it'll let you come into the stables when you get into the show ground. Give me a ring and I'll come and meet you, you'll never find us otherwise."
"You want me… I thought you'd be busy." Steven doesn't want to be in the way and he appreciates that and hopes it not Steven trying to back out. Trying to tell him that he doesn't want to but not wanting to reject the offer.
"I will be but…" He could say he's never too busy for him but that would be a lie after the last few days.
"But?"
"I want you to see what I do." In for a penny in for a pound.
"Yeah, I do to."