Disclaimer: Don't own Tekken.
Warning: Randomness, drug use, and wrestling references ahead.
Previously on The Misadventures of Jin Kazama…
"Damn Kazama, these are good," Hwoarang said, adding hot sauce to the steak, cheese, and jalapeños on the inside.
"Be careful, H," Jin warned. "Adding that will mess your bowels up. I did that once and killed every animal with 500 feet of my house. It was like a nuclear explosion."
"Thanks for the heads up," Hwoarang replied. "Go to hell."
"Don't say I didn't warn you," Jin said.
The intercom came on, and Heihachi Mishima's booming and angry voice came on the intercom.
"Jin Kazama and Hwoarang Doo San, report to my office IMMEDIATELY!" Heihachi shouted."
"We're fucked, dude," Hwoarang said, about to piss his pants.
Chapter 4: Lockdown and Mishima's Bakery
In the aftermath of the Freshman Beatup Day, Mishima University went on lockdown for the remainder of the day.
Meanwhile in Physics class, our two heroes Jin and Hwoarang were in the back sleeping, bored. Out of nowhere, Hwoarang's stomach starts acting up.
"Dammit Kazama," Hwoarang said clutching his stomach. "That's the last time I eat your burritos."
"Yo damn fault," Jin said.
"Damn, I gotta shit," Hwoarang said getting up.
"Good luck," Jin said laughing quietly.
"Mr. Chaolan, I have to go to the bathroom," Hwoarang squirmed in his seat, feeling the effects of the burritos from before.
"We're on lockdown, tough shit," Lee responded.
Hwoarang got up and went to the door and shouted,
"COME ON, MR. CHAOLAN. I GOTTA SHIT!"
Jin fell out of his seat laughing hard as humanly possible. Lee was fuming and proceeded to go to the door. Hwoarang ran out to find the nearest bathroom. The alarm sounds and a scream can be heard from outside. Hwoarang was shocked by 20,000 volts of electricity, which caused him to empty his bowels all over the floor. The students look out and cover their noses.
"Oh man, you jackass," Jin said recording Hwoarang with his iPhone. "This is so going on YouTube and Facebook."
Later in Heihachi's office…
"Do you two just live to ruin my day?" Heihachi asks.
"Uh…yeah," Jin said laughing.
"You insolent fucker, I'll kill you," Heihachi shouts.
"Remember your condition, gramps," Jin said pointing to Heihachi's pills for his high blood pressure.
"Damn you, boy," Heihachi said.
"Why are we here?" Hwoarang asked, wearing a diaper.
"You two have fucked me over for the last time," Heihachi said. "As punishment, you two will work in my bakery for the day. Obviously I can't have you two terrorists on my campus. Ain't this a bitch?"
"Whatever," Hwoarang said adjusting his diaper.
"Here's your rattle and pacifier," Jin said handing Hwoarang those.
"Fuck you Kazama," Hwoarang shouts.
"YouTube," Jin shouts. Hwoarang knocks the camera out of Jin's hand which hits Heihachi in the eye.
"MY EYE! DAMMIT!" Heihachi falls down to the ground. When he rises, he has a massive shiner. Jin and Hwoarang flinch from it.
"So…when do I get my clothes back?" Hwoarang asks.
"GET OUT BEFORE I RIP YOUR HEADS OFF AND BOWL WITH THEM!" Heihachi screams. The two book it and head for the bakery.
Sometime later…
Beside a busy loud city, there was a quiet little town with a small population. In one part of this town there was a line of popular little shops that many people loved to go to. Among these shops were: Anna Williams' Silicone, King's Wrestling Academy, Mokujin's Hardware, Ogre's Adult Video, who was also the star of 1 Night with Ogre, Chaolan's Clothing, Marduk's waxing and barbershop, and Dr. B's Dentist.
However, one exceptionally popular shop was Mishima's Bakery. It had all kinds of foods and goods from bagels to bread and cakes to pastries.
One day, Nina Williams, who obviously didn't live in town, came into the shop looking around at all the food. Jin Kazama was looking at her from behind the counter and she seemed, to him, to be lost.
"Can…I help you?" he asked raising his eyebrow, the People's Eyebrow, made famous by former wrestler "The Rock."
Nina turned around. "Whatever."
"Now, what would you be looking for, little lady?" he asked.
"You tell me. And don't call me little lady again." Nina responded
"What's the occasion?"
"None of your damn business," she replied coldly.
"Really?" he asked smoothly giving her a knowing smile and a wink, "Well, might I suggest something? Do you…like pie?"
She scrunched up her face and made a gagging sound.
Jin got offended, seeing as how pie was his favorite, especially a certain poontang. "Well, then, do you…. like strudel?" he asked pointing his hand towards her.
"Yah, strudel's good." Nina said, still with her indifferent look on her face.
Jin smiled smugly. "Do you…..like The Kazama strudel?" he asked lifting his shirt a bit and strutting.
"It better be good or I'll kill you," she said.
"Oh," Jin chuckled and smiled seductively, "I garan-damn-tee you that it's the best."
"Ok, then, I'll take some strudel," she said.
She turned around and looked at the other desserts. When she turned back, Jin was leaning against the counter with his pants undone. He had on underwear that said, 'Open here and take a bite out of the sweet goodness. Poontang flavored.'"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" she angrily shrieked, pulling out a gun.
"You wanted strudel. Jin Kazama is giving you strudel."
"I thought you meant strudel. Actual strudel. The dessert that you eat. That's what I wanted. How dare you, you son of a-" she shrieked louder, cocking her gun.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA," Jin said cutting her whining and shrieking, making a fist, "Let me get this straight. You want strudel, not the Kazama strudel?" He looked incredulous. "What does this look like, a damn bakery?"
"YES!" she shrieked again.
"Ugh! Shit!" Jin covered his ears, "You sound like a goddamn…. you know, those things that twirl and mush things. Now, help Jin Kazama out."
Slowly she said, "A blend-"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER what you sound like," Jin cut in. "Just don't ever do that again. It hurts Jin. Jin has very sensitive ears, you know. The World's Strongest has already heard enough of Steve's whining: "Mum hug me, Mum love me." "Mum, I hate you, you weren't there for me." Whah, whah, whah. Why don't I just hit the tastiest move, the Demon Slayer Sherbert, on Anna, and take Lee, stand him upright, shine him up real nice with some cooking oil, and stick him straight up Steve's candy coated English ass. Much, of course, to the enjoyments of the millions…"
He breathed the air around him. Hwoarang plays a recording that shouts:
"AND MILLIONS,"
"AND MILLIONS of Jin's cookies. If you listen closely, you can even hear the machines chanting Jin Kazama's name."
Jin looks up. You can hear a combination of the operating machines that actually sounded like: KAAZ-zama, KAAZ-zama, KAAZ-zama
Jin looked back at Nina.
Nina was confused as hell and totally weirded out. She went to the door calling out "Idiot" on the way.
Jin glared at her. "Wait," he demanded.
She turned back.
Jin had his arm held out, the palm of his hand facing the floor. Then he turned his arm over and brought his fingers in and out of his hand. "Just bring it, bitch"
Nina just gave him a strange look and starts to shoot Jin. Jin takes cover.
"Son of a bitch," Jin shouts. So much for selling some pie, or strudel for that matter.
"Hmph, worm," Nina left the store.
Jin went to the back to where Hwoarang was.
"Get your bitch ass up," Jin shouts. Hwoarang jumps up.
"What?" Hwoarang asked.
"My shift's over," Jin said. "Get the fuck out there. I got porn to watch."
"Dammit, Kazama I hate you," Hwoarang shouts and exits to the front.
Later that day…
Anna Williams came into the shop, wearing skimpy clothes, to buy some kind of food for a little get-together she was having. She looked around and then came to the counter with two loafs of bread.
"Hello, Hwoarang," she said with disgust.
"Hello, slut," Hwoarang said flatly.
"Ugh," Anna said angrily, "You're almost as bad as Jin. You're so pathetic."
"Oh, right, and you're breasts aren't bigger than Jennifer Lopez's ass," Hwoarang retorted sarcastically, "Hwoarang couldn't care less what you say. You associate yourself with a pile of Grade A monkey crap!"
"You know, I hope Steve and Lee kick your ass at The King of Iron Fist 7," Anna glared at him, with her finger, not to mention, her chest, pointing at him, "No, I know they'll kick your ass because Steve is better than you and my Lee is unstoppable. And when they're done with you, you won't be able to get off of the floor. "
"Anna, Anna," Hwoarang chuckled, "You'll be the one who won't get off the floor."
"Ugh," she said losing her patience, "I want to buy these loafs of bread."
"Bread. What do you need bread for? You've got two loafs of bread right there on you," Hwoarang said pointing to her chest," You could even take those…things and throw them in your "guests" faces like a whipped cream pie. Hey, let the boobies hit the faces, or better yet, let the boobies hit the floor. What with that rag you're wearing. Thanks for cleaning my floor, it's been very dirty."
"AAAHHH!" she shrieked and with a high voice said, "I'm telling Lee. He's going to get you for what you just said to me, Hwoarang."
"WHAAAH, WHAAAH," Hwoarang mocked, "Ah, know your role and shut your mouth, before I kick your roody poo candy ass. You sound like a damn whale. Your popcorn fart of a boyfriend isn't here and I wonder if he knows that you've slept with everyone in the entire world. I hear, you're even doing it with Kuma. That's just sick! What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Ugh," she said disgusted again, "You'll pay for this!"
"Do you like icing?" Hwoarang asked unexpectedly
Anna looked confused. "Uh...yah."
"Well, then, ICE your way down to the Smackdown hotel, and the least you could do is get a room."
Anna screamed, threw her head back, and then stormed out.
Even later that day…
Someone else came into the bakery and looked around sickly at all the desserts and food.
"What junk," he thought
The person came to a stop at the counter where Hwoarang had his back to the person, making some kind of dessert. Finally Hwoarang turned around at the feeling of a presence and glared at the person.
Finally he spoke. "What in the BLUE HELL are you staring at?"
"I wasn't staring at nothin', bitch," said Eddy Gordo.
"Oh, that's not what I saw. Were you… just staring at mah buns, muthfucka?
"What you talkin' about, asshole?" Eddy said disgusted.
"You were just looking at mah buns." Hwoarang said.
"No, I wasn't, you dick. You must be blind" Eddy said getting angry.
"Oh, no, no, no, no. NO! Hwoarang has very good eyesight. I saw the way you looked at Hwoarang and his buns." He then stuck his butt in Eddy's face, then turned back around. "Eddy, hell, Edward, I'm appalled. You just looked at Hwoarang's buns again."
"No, I didn't, hoe. You stuck it in my face."
"You grabbed my buns and probably took a good whiff of it too. I see you looking at other men; I see how you look at other men. I know you like buns, hell, even strudel. There's nothing to be ashamed of."
"I don't know what you talkin' about, but I don't like men or buns, especially not yours." Eddy said angrily.
"I'll have you know, I have the best buns in Tekken. Ladies love 'em." Hwoarang said.
Hwoarang then held up his hand, faced it, and shook it. The he performed some of Eddy's attack moves.
Eddy was furious. "You NEVER take my moves or else you're just writing yourself a death wish. You better write one now, because at the next tournament, me and Lee are going to kill you."
"At KIF 7, when THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MARTIAL ARTIST in gaming today and in the kitchen, enters the fray with you two jabronis, I will layeth the smacketh down on both your candy asses. Now, get out of here before I stick a cupcake straight up your candy ass."
Hwoarang puts his hand on Eddy's shoulder. Eddy is confused.
Hwoarang grabs a spatula and looks up.
"IF YOU SMELLL…LALALALOW…WHAT HWOARANG DOO SAN…"
Hwoarang beats some eggs for a dramatic pause.
"IS COOKIN."
Eddy is too disgusted, so he gets outta there. Hwoarang left to the back to get Jin, but the door was locked.
"Don't come in," Jin shouted. He was clearly masturbating as Hwoarang knew.
"Kazama, stop beating your 1-incher and go to the front," Hwoarang said.
"Go fuck yourself," Jin shouted from behind the door. Hwoarang broke the door down.
"GET OUT," Hwoarang throws Jin out half naked.
"Dammit, what am I going to do with this boner?" Jin asks. Then, an idea popped in his head. He ran to the front to get a bagel and butter. He then goes into the bathroom. Grunting sounds can be heard.
35 minutes later…
Jin emerged from the bathroom. Hwoarang is standing at the door.
"What the fuck, dude?" Hwoarang asked mortified.
"It was so simple," Jin said. "Have sex with bagels. How did I not think of this sooner?"
"Why the fuck do I hang out with your ass?" Hwoarang proceeds to go in the bathroom, rolling a blunt with weed in it.
Even later that day…
Christie Montiero came into the bakery wanting some dessert just for the hell of it. It was no secret she had a sweet tooth. She went to the counter where Jin was admiring himself in a pot.
"Ahem," Christie cleared her throat.
Jin looked up. "Well, hello, sexy lady. What can I do you for?"
"I was just looking for a dessert. What's good here?" She said smiling at him while leaning over the counter, giving Jin a good view of her large chest.
"Do you…like strudel?" Jin asked with a smile on his face.
"Oh, yes," she said seductively.
"Do you…like The Kazama strudel?" Jin smiled bigger.
"Oh, very much," she said the same way.
Jin looked at her. She was smiling sexily. Then Jin took his spatula and looked up.
"FINALLY…JIN KAZAMA HAS MADE…. A SALE."
The two go at it right in the middle of the floor but not before Jin shuts the blinds and changes the open sign to closed. Hwoarang comes out to the front and sees what is going on.
"Kazama you son of a bitch," Hwoarang asked. "How in the hell…"
"Easy," Jin muffled in between kisses. "I'm not a 5'8'', Korean redhead."
"Fuck you," Hwoarang shouted. "I'm going to watch porn."
End Chapter
It's about damn time I got this up. It's been too long. Sorry. Just R&R, yo!
Next time on The Misadventures of Jin Kazama…
"Boy, what the fuck are you wearing?" Kazuya asked.
"BUFU," Jin said.
"The fuck is that?" Kazuya asked.
"Buy Us…Fuck You," Jin said.
"Were you ever this stupid while you were floating around in my nuts?" Kazuya asked, agitated.