Vanity Slair - Chapter 4

All the British soldiers have gone marching off to Waterloo to face Napoleon Bonaparte and his rag tag army. There is pandemonium in Brussels because the Belgians are busy telling the British civilians that they will be murdered in their beds if Wellington loses. They can hear the sound of the cannons on the battlefield in the Brussels streets. The Belgians shake their heads. A troop of Belgian soldiers come back saying how gallantly they fought but to no avail. (Actually their regiment decided they weren't in the mood as soon as the French appeared and quietly slipped away).

A mad panic sets in. This includes Xander Sedley; whose manservant, a secret Bonaparte supporter has been taking great pleasure in telling him what savage reprisals the French will take. Xander is rushing around Brussels trying to find some horses. Everyone wants to get out of Brussels.

'I don't,' says Willow. 'I will stay here until I find out what has happened to my precious Spike.'

'Excuse me while I barf,' Buffy says. 'Are you for real? Everyone but everyone is getting out of town.'

She is not worried about leaving town because she speaks French fluently and has no qualms about switching sides.

'And I'm a Slayer,' Buffy says.

'Yes, but it's more important that you're a fluent French speaker and have no loyalty.'

'If you're a slayer, you don't need to be fluent in anything,' says Buffy, ignoring the second point, and twirling Mr. Pointy. But just to be on the safe side, she sews up all her valuables into her dress and coat.

Riley has left two horses behind for Buffy in case of a British defeat, which are soon the subject of a bidding war. Xander wins because Buffy has hiked up the price so high; no one else was willing to pay it.

'You can have the horses because it's you,' Buffy tells him, 'although I shouldn't because my husband is terribly jealous of you.' She bats her eyelashes.

'No!' Buffy shouts.

Yes, Buffy. You are keeping Xander for a rainy day.

Xander is both flattered and terrified.

He does try and persuade Willow to leave but she is having none of it. Buffy also tries to get Willow to go, and finds out that Willow has cottoned on to something was going on between her and Spike so is not too friendly to say the least.

'I don't like this story,' Willow says. 'I don't like not being friends with Buffy.'

Tough. If it's any consolation, Spike is about to not like this story a whole heap more than you.

'What do you mean?' Spike asks.

You'll find out.

The civilians in Brussels all feel pretty silly when the victorious British army and the Duke of Wellington come back to the city. (So does Xander Sedley who is half way to Ghent when he finds out but he doesn't return.) That's the good news.

The bad news is, and I quote, 'Spike Osborne lies on the battlefield with a bullet through his heart'

'No way. I'm a vampire so very, very difficult to kill.'

Sorry, the plot says that you're dead so you're dead.

'But I'm not.'

We don't need you any more. I suggest you go on holiday somewhere, not London or Paris but anywhere else. How about Madrid or Rome?

'I have a problem with garlic.'

How about Transylvania? I'm sure Count Dracula would be pleased to see you.

'I wouldn't mind seeing my old mate Vlad and I could try to stop him giving that interview to the Stoker tosser.'

Actually; there is some more good news. Willow discovers on her return to England that she is expecting the patter of tiny feet.

'Not more dwarves,' Willow says.

No, not dwarves. I try again. The stork will be bringing a precious bundle of joy in nine months' time.

'Excuse me while I barf again,' says Buffy.

'Say what?'

'You're pregnant, Willow.'

'Unbelievable! Vampires can't have kids, can they, Angel?' Spike appeals to Angel.

Angel avoids Spike's gaze and looks down at the ground, a faint flush along his cheekbones. Spike narrow his eyes but before he can say anything - the author intervenes. Spike! What you still doing here? Get lost!

And with that, Spike stalks off and out of our story.

Amelia has returned to England to live with her parents in genteel poverty. This is much better than normal poverty because you don't have to sleep nine to a room in a damp, vermin infested house and share a toilet with six other families.

Buffy and Riley go to Paris with the victorious English army and have a high old time until they return to England. Angel also goes to Paris but he is busy serving his king and country so doesn't have any time for fun apart from brooding over Willow.

'Brooding is what he does best,' says Buffy.

Xander has returned to India so he won't be in the story for quite a while. Glad you like curry, Xander.

Angel returns to London post haste when he hears that a certain Rev. Binney is starting to court Willow.

'Back off, Binney. Willow isn't interested.'

Which is true. Willow is too busy mourning her sweet Spike'If she's that cut up about me, she could always come to Transylvania,' a faint voice calls.

Shut up, Spike.

'But she is so pretty and sweet,' the Rev. Binney says admiringly.

'Get lost before I do something you'll regret,' Angel snarls. Angel shows his demon face to him and the Rev. Binney scarpers.

On their return to England, Buffy discovers that she too, is in a delicate condition.

'I'm never in a delicate condition,' says Buffy firmly. 'What's it mean, anyway?'

You're expecting a baby too.

'Slayers don't have babies.'

You're not a slayer, you're a femme fatale.

'A slayer is a femme fatale,' Willow points out, 'well, to vampires at least.'

Shut up, Willow. Buffy, you're having a baby and that's that.

Willow and Buffy both have baby boys. Willow is a doting mother. Buffy couldn't care less although Riley adores his little boy.

'Hey!' Buffy protests.

You wanted to be the Bad Girl in the story. Suck on it.

This carries on for some time, Amelia living in genteel poverty and Buffy and Riley living the high life at no expense by the simple expedient of never paying any of their bills.

However, one day, Mr. Osborne, Spike's father, chances to see little Georgy while he is playing in the park, and is smitten with him.

'He looks so like Spike, I am willing to pay for everything for him including a first-class education,' he tells Willow.

'Oh wonderful!' exclaims Willow, clasping her hands together and looking at Mr. Osborne as if he is an angel. 'How generous of you.' Out of the side of her mouth, Willow asks, 'Is he up to something?'

Let's find out.

'On one condition.'

'Which is?' Willow asks.

'He comes to live with me and you can't see him.'

Mr. Osborne has never forgiven Willow for stopping Spike from marrying someone rich.

Willow stops looking at him as if he is an angel and starts looking at him as if he were the Mayor of Sunnydale. 'I knew it.'

'Take it or leave it.'

'I'll leave it,' Willow says to him.

No, you can't. You have to let him have his grandson, it's in the plot.

'I hate this plot,' grumbles Willow.

And you have to be grateful.

'Thank you so much, Mr. Osborne, you are so generous and wonderful for a miserable old codger.'

Good enough.