CHAPTER FOUR

Life settled into a strange sort of routine over the next few weeks. I would go to school, go to the old Cullen house, and study for finals with Alice and Jasper (who were, predictably, amazing teachers) for a while, and then I would go home and put the dinner on for Charlie. He would come home about half an hour later, we would eat, and then I would go upstairs and do some more studying, sometimes with a vampire, sometimes without.

During this period, Jasper also told me of his background with Maria in the South, dealing with the newborn vampires. It was kind of comforting to lose the assumption that I had previously held, that he only resisted humans because of Alice. I knew now that it was actually because he still wasn't used to not having the instant gratification he'd experienced during the first years of his life, and that was good to know. The happy ending with Alice was nice, too.

I wasn't hugely concerned with the marks I was going to get in the exams – after all, I wasn't going to do the usual college route after graduation. But Alice said, the first day I brought it up, "It's part of being a Cullen." I almost smiled – it was a nice prospect. "And you never know. You might be off to college in a couple of years."

So I went and did the exams with slightly surprising ease, due to my amazing tutors. Alice had also told me that she saw me getting some pretty good grades, so I went in confident as well.

Graduation loomed large in my mind, and I looked forward to it as much as I cringed away from it. It meant the beginning of a better life, the joining of a new family, the speed, the strength, all of it. But everything was new. Becoming a vampire meant leaving everything I'd ever really known over my life, and taking a step into the unknown. But my constant separation from reality had led to the severance of most of my friendships anyway, so I didn't really mind that. What I did mind was leaving Charlie and Renee - I knew I was going to hurt them deeply, especially Charlie, who would end up totally alone. At least Renee had Phil. If I'd left for college, that would have happened anyway, but then he'd still have phone calls, visits, emails. The life I was going to live allowed none of that. The last time would be the last time. I would have to disappear.

But I had been such a useless excuse for a daughter, the way I'd acted over the past few months, and that was never going to change for me. The hurt would heal for them, because they wouldn't have to watch me suffer and be consumed by it themselves. They would be able to let me go and stop worrying about me, finally.

It was worth the sacrifice.

Graduation came around quickly, as these things do. It was very anticlimactic, however: a walk across the stage and a scroll pressed into my hand. End of my last ever human experience. Alice and Jasper, the main reason I'd graduated with honors, weren't there: someone could have recognised them. Charlie and Renee were there, though, and they made a big production out of it. We went out for dinner – burgers and chips – and they made a big fuss over me... but still, always careful. Basic, anti-inflammatory topics, all designed to not remind me of Edward.

Mom was especially gushy over the fact that I was (as far as she knew) going to an Ivy League college.

"The only place I could ever get accepted to was Clown College!" she joked in a watery tone of voice. "You'll have to write every day, so I can hear what it's like!"

I just nodded along.

After sitting through an hour of this, Charlie took me home and Mom left back for Phoenix: Phil had a game the next morning. She wouldn't be able to cope with anything more than utter normalcy, so that was what I gave her.

"Thanks for coming, Mom. I love you so much. Tell Phil I said hi. Have a good flight."

I'd noticed, lately, that my tone was very robotic. I couldn't do animated, though, couldn't, so it stayed stuck in a flat monotone.

"Bye, sweetie. I love you too."

But Charlie could have a sliver of extra detail. Alice and Jasper were going to come during the night to take me away, so I didn't have much time left. The blood was pumping in my veins as I turned to Charlie and have him a huge bear hug. But he spoke before I could.

"Bella, maybe I'm just feeling – I don't know, superstitious, I guess. But I have this … hunch. I feel like I'm going to lose you soon."

And I had always thought my mother was the more perceptive one… my stomach twisted in my chest like a length of rope, and I gave a little noise, rather like a hiccup, of surprise.

"I'm going to college, Dad, if that's what you mean, but you know you'll never lose me." My tone sounded even more off than it had been lately - it was obvious I was lying - but he was too wrapped up in what he was saying to notice. Thankfully.

"I feel like I've already lost you in some ways." I winced – harsh but true. "But that's not what I meant."

"Can you just promise me one thing?" I cringed: maybe, maybe not. There were many things I couldn't promise him. "It's not a big one, don't worry. Just, will you tell me if you're going to do anything major? Before you run off, or something? I won't kick up a fuss. Just give me some advance notice. Give me a chance to hug you goodbye."

Okay. Sounded fair. "Dad…" How to phrase it?

"I am going away, but it might not be to college. And I'll be gone a while too. I might not be able to get in touch with you."

"What-"

"I can't tell you. I'm sorry."

He gave a small smile. "Need-to-know basis?"

"Sort of. But listen, Dad, I love you forever and ever. You know that, right? You might not be hearing from me for a while, but you know that I love you?"

He nodded, pain apparent on his face. "I know. And you know I love you too, Bells… Could you just tell me, why? Is it to do with the Cullens?"

I didn't know how to answer. On the one hand, I wanted nothing more than to tell him the truth. But on the other, a 'yes' answer could lead to him looking for the Cullens once we went, and I knew that that couldn't happen. I owed it to my new family…

I shrugged. "Not really." A lie, but in slightly more neutral territory.

"Okay…" He hugged me tightly, one last time, and we just took in each other's faces, then and there; it was our last chance.

After a little while, we departed: he to his bedroom, me to my new life.