*** The Salem Spectator ::: Edition Four***
A Jack Devereaux Production
((( Hot Editorials )))
Police Warning by Jack W. Devereaux
This is a message to all ISA agents. Roman Brady, your Salem police commander, would like all of you to keep your eyes peeled for Cal Winters. When last seen, Winters was wearing a blue checkered dress. He is wanted in the assault of an animal was seen by several Salem women who say they saw him braiding his hair and singing near Salem's mental hospital.
If you see this crazy dude, slowly approach him. He may be carrying a loaded weapon in his picnic basket. Also, he is known to use the alias Dorothy, The Chimp-Hater.
Aliens in Salem by Jennifer Rose Horton
Last Thursday two Salem men were drinking alcohol in a huge sailboat near the docks. Suddenly, Steve Johnson said, "Hey, Bo, look up there at that bright, silvery space ship floating over your boat."
But before his brother-in-law could reply, a powerful green light shot down and lifted them into a strange flying roll of toilet paper. Inside the ship, the two men were greeted by tiny green women with sexy figures. They said they were given a dinner of fried worms and raunchy refried beans. After an intimate time with the aliens, they flew to the planet of Bunga-Loo-Toot-Toot-Rah-Rah-Pooh and met the impregnated inhabitants. Then they were brought back to Salem. The men told us during their interview that it was really a kinky experience.
Secret Agent Donovan by Vern Scofield
Shane Donovan, Secret Agent Double O-69 was in a tight spot last Thursday evening. He was trapped on Tuscano Island and his evil enemies were closing in on him. He says he glanced at his companion, wife Kimberly. Her face was full of fear. He remembered all their sexual times together. He was about to orgasm from excitement when he felt a cold finger upon his back. "Put up your hands!" he says his companion ordered. "I am not your real wife. I am an imposter. My real name is Olga Granola!"
Shane says his next utterance was "Ohhh damn!" Shane barely escaped and is now looking for his real wife.
Salem's Play by Jack Devereaux
Several of Salem's best actors will be participating in a play showing July 1st on the waterfront. The new play will be entitled, "The Teenage Mutant Turtle Meets the Blood-Sucking Vampire." At the opening, we see the teenage hero, played by Julio Ramirez who is a genetic scientist. He is trying to create a monster out of old green shingles and condoms filled with turtle sperm.
The monster has green skin and 69 arms and is played by Vern Scofield. Suddenly, the monster comes to life and kidnaps the beautiful heroine, played by Carrie Brady. Then the monster begins to destroy Salem. In the end, the monster is killed by the vampire, played by Roman Brady. Then the hero and heroine live happily ever after.
Salem's Newest Law by Jennifer R. Horton
Salem Police Force would like to remind everyone that is is unlawful to own a French tickler or carry a concealed vibrator without a vibrating license. The penalty for vibrator-carrying is thirty days in the Salem Jail or a $25 fine. The penalty is doubled if the person is arrested while under the influence of aphrodisiacs.
Monster at School by Vern Scofield
The Salem High School has reported an evil monster living in their sleazy school system. The students are vomiting in fear. Sarah Horton reported that the monster has eaten three young students and has boiled the home economics teacher. Roman Brady, police commander said there is no reason to be afraid. He thinks the monster is just some dirtball. Sarah remarked, "But Bo Brady saw it. It has long greasy hair and gold earrings."
"That sounds like Emilio Ramirez," Brady commented.
Brady plans to trap the monster using Sarah as bait. "Hoodlums seem to be attracted to her," spoke Brady. "Maybe she can help us catch the monster."
Divorce in Salem by Jack W. Devereaux
Mrs. Kayla Johnson, the seductive and sleazy barmaid, has filed for divorce from her husband, Steve Johnson, former punk from the streets, now in the ISA business. Kayla claimed that her husband had cruelly slapped her on the ass, kicked her in the boobies, and fondled her hairless vagina. Steve, when asked to comment, said, "That piss-ant! This is a lowdown lie! I only pinched her on the earlobe!"
Eve is Injured by Jennifer Horton
There is a VERY naughty girl in Salem named Eve Donovan who always seems to be sticking her nose into everyone's underpants. She keeps company with a short man named Nick Corelli, her former pimp, who always seems to be buying her expensive presents.
Once he gave her a diamond ankle bracelet to wear upon her leg and then he purchased a frilly nightie for Eve to wear in the bedroom.
Last week he bought her a skinny horse. As soon as Eve saw the ugly animal, she began to examine it suspiciously. First she looked at the horse's testicles and its shrivelled penis. Then she opened its mouth so she could look at its tongue. At this invasion, the horse became pissed off and bit off the tip of Eve's nose!
When asked to comment on the unfortunate accident, Nick stated, "I warned Eve never to look a gift-horse in the mouth!"
Melissa Describes Dream Man by Vern Scofield
Melissa Horton, first of all, says her dream man must be very muscular and dirty-looking. He should have a physique like Rambo and the intelligence of a Cocker Spaniel. "He must also be polite and remember to light my cigarettes," Melissa comments.
He should move struttishly, should have a low voice, and should always dress like a punk rocker. He must wear ripped up blue jeans, wrinkled t-shirts, and a black leather jacket. "I would also like him to be an exotic dancer and when we are alone, he can whisper filthy nothings in my ear and hold my large breast in his dirt-caked hand," Melissa remarks.
Melissa states that she knows a hoodlum man such as this will be hard to find. In fact, the only one she can think of Emilio Ramirez. Good luck, Melissa, we hope you find your man!
'Wings' Kitchen Inspected by Jack W. Devereaux
The Inspectors from the State Department of Health and Disease came to Salem yesterday to inspect the "Wings" kitchen and to make sure that the long-haired cook Emilio Ramirez is wearing a hairnet and washing his armpits before cooking the meals. They were also there to make sure that no little roaches or monkeys were running around the kitchen and spreading goober of any sort.
They checked the lunch prepared by Ramirez. It was spaghetti and shrimp balls. On Tuesdays, boiled crow with rice is served. On Wednesdays, there is a choice of vegetable-cabbage soup or a creamed omelette with earthworm sauce. The inspector found a lot of fleas in the salad and there was too much Vodka in the milk. In the future, the inspector suggests that "Wings" serve more apples and cucumbers and less greasy foods and alcoholic beverages or else hire a new cook.
Travel Suggestion by Jennifer R. Horton
If you're looking for a place to spend a cozy honeymoon, consider Tuscano Island. There, under the brilliant, blue sky, you and your sleazy new husband can spend hours inspecting the quaint sands and the ancient fresh-water pools which are perfect for bathing.
You will be fascinated by the sexual customs of the natives. In the evening, you can retire to the nearest cave which is what the natives call their "Bungalows" and watch their famous sexual dance called the Boom Boom. Caves there have all the comfy conveniences, including poisonous water, no air conditioning, and absolutely no room service.
The rates are also very cheap. In a few days, you and your perverted hubby will be lolling on the ocean just like the brown-skinned natives, that is if you haven't drowned or sun-burned to a crisp.
((( Classified Ads )))
Guaranteed - There is something here you'll DEFINITELY want!
For Sale: A 1957 Sedan. A dented car in awful condition. Formerly owned by a hoodlum school teacher who always drove it wildly. There is the large rip in the back seat and a chrome hula dancer on the hood. Has a rusty paint job, flat tires, and the back opens out into a water-bed. Will consider taking slightly-used motorcycle in trade. Call Emilio Ramirez at 55-PUNKS-R-US.
Lost: In the vicinity of Salem, a cute French poodle with curly hair and a stubby tail. It answers to the name of Rover and when last seen was carrying a long blond wig in its mouth. A huge reward is offered for the safe return of my little poochie. Call Calliope at 425-NUTS.
Driver Available: Planning a trip? I am an old woman of reckless character and a graduate of Salem Elementary School. I have been wrecking cars for twelve years. Call Caroline for a ride at 425-28-CRASH.
House Sitter Available: While you're out, screwing around the country, who will watch your ugly house? Burglars could steal your children! Who will feed your pet tarantula? We will drunkenly take care of everything! Call Kiriakis House Sitters Unlimited.
Room for Rent: Mother Caroline offers you confined accommodations in her fish market attic bedroom. Only $10 per fish and $50 per night in bed. Call Caroline Brady for details.
Lost: Tall, blond, pregnant woman. Answers to the name of Kimberly. When last seen, she was wearing a see-through negligee and was down on her hands and knees. A five dollar reward has been offered. Call Shane Donovan at 425-NOT-OLGA.
Wanted: An evil monster. Killed several students and a worthless teacher. If you see it, shoot to kill. Emilio Ramirez is a suspect. Call Salem Police if you see or shoot anything.
Wanted: Nose transplant. Call Eve Donovan at 425-NOSE.
For sale: Tickets to Tuscano Island for two. Includes cave accommodations. Call Ernesto Tuscano at 425-I'LL-Kill-U.
Personal: Kayla, I did NOT slap or kick you, piss-ant! Signed, Steve.