Chapter Four "Grace in the Text"

Maura, walked into the hospital chapel, it was dark, and the silence was thick and palpable. Her soul craved silence. Compared to the sanctuary at Saint Andrew's the little hospital chapel was stark and barren, which resonated with how she felt at that moment. She walked past the empty pews to the chancel, the communion table had a simple linen runner with a candle on it. To the right of the table was a lectern that held a journal where visitors could leave prayer requests. Maura paused and looked through the journal at some of the prayers it contained, prayers for healing, and for those about to die, prayers of thanksgiving, and memorials for the departed. After a few minutes she picked up the book and went to sit down in one of the empty pews. She reached into her purse and produced a pen, after a few minutes of thought she hesitated then began to write.

Dear God,

I've never done this before, I am not even sure how to address you, should I use all your titles like when I write to the governor, or should I call you father? I must confess that doesn't feel as confronting as you'd think it would be. My adopted father and I have had a cold distant relationship since I found out about his affair, and my birth father is a criminal. Well on that note, I guess I'll just stick with God.

Well one of the great things about you being omnipotent is that you already know how bad of a person I am, how bad of a mother I've been to my daughter and how bad of a wife I've been to Jane. Oh I really have made a mess of things! How could I have said those horrible things to her?

I know I said some horrible things to you to, but I'm mad at you!

My daughter doesn't deserve this by the way. What has she ever done to you?

If you're mad at me then punish me, not her.

If you're not mad at me, then why?

My life has been filled with suffering so you can't blame me for thinking you might just be a little angry. No? Then why all the suffering?

Because is not an answer!

Okay,you need to forgive me, I'm really new at this God thing, probably tomorrow morning I'll be back to not believing in you again, but I really want to understand, why suffering?

So, you're saying it's not because you're mad at me. It's not like when I was a kid and I didn't clean my room, so my mom wouldn't let me watch T.V.? Hmmmm you do realize that a lot of people seem to go with this cause and effect idea? Okay I'll bite, so what are you saying, is it the world?

That's it, the world itself is bad!

What that? Oh, how do I explain all the good things in the world?

Hmmmm, there is beauty, knowledge, truth, and love, how could I forget the joy of being loved!

So there is good and bad in the world. Okay so, what we're talking about really is the nature of evil.

Time to dish! Why are you tolerating evil if that is the cause of so much suffering?

Okay so the world is essentially good. I get that, but evil exists, it's almost as if evil is like a cancer cell that attacks all the good cells around it and eventually destroys the good.

What? I got it?

So when evil occurs... that's the cause of suffering.

And evil is the byproduct of a fallen world, not that you're angry.

But why not stop it?

Oh, the fix, it's in process. Good to know. Can you speed it up please?

What? Oh I don't have any hope anymore. If suffering gives rise to hope then I've failed.

Why? Glad you asked, I can't grasp how a truly good person can be allowed to suffer.

No not me, I'm not a good person, remember what I did upstairs? A good person wouldn't do that to someone who loves her.

Don't be so hard on yourself? Well that's easy for you to say, you didn't just destroy the most significant relationship in your life!

Who then? Forget,the saints, how about Jane? How come you abandoned her, let her suffer, when she was shot and her life was destroyed? She really suffered.

Who says you abandoned her?

Well I say!

Okay I'll give you that she lived, I guess I have to give you that one.

You're welcome.

But she had a career, and she was happy!

Well yes, she's very happy now.

What's the problem?

Oh you want the real problem...

She was shot because of me. So, by your logic I'm evil.

There I said it, Maura Isles is evil! There are you happy?

No

You're not happy?

Why?

Oh,because I'm ducking my real feelings.

I watched her suffer and I was afraid. She saved me but I couldn't do anything to save her.

I don't want to feel that way again...afraid.

But you already knew the answer didn't you, I've never had a day that I have not been afraid since that day.

I live in fear.

So, you're right we need to address my suffering, my despair.

But,

I guess she hates me now?

Jane was looking for the Chaplains office, to see if someone had seen Maura when she walked past the open chapel door and saw Maura sitting there alone, in the dark. Jane walked into the chapel and silently sat down beside her. Maura felt her heart leap into her throat. What was Jane going to say? Jane slid her hand over to Maura's and took her hand into her own. "Maura, I shouldn't have walked out, I'm sorry, I know you were hurt and upset and my leaving like that, just added to your despair. I love you Maura, you have always been there for me, and I will always be there for you and Alice." Maura wrote the final words to her prayer, and then set the journal down. "Jane I've been suffering ever since you were shot. I'm afraid, so afraid! It never goes away, it's always there! Sometimes it's in the background but other times it rises to the forefront, but I've never had a day without fear since that moment I saw the life drained away from your face as that bullet ripped through you. And I blame myself for what happened to you. If it wasn't for me this wouldn't have happened to you." Jane turned on the pew so she was looking directly at Maura "I stepped in front of that bullet out of love, it was my choice, and I'd do it again because that's how strong my love is for you. But Maura? There's one thing you said, I have to ask you." Maura could hear the trepidation in Jane's voice as she continued "You said I was crippled. Is that really how you see me?" Maura could hear the pain in Jane's voice as she said those words "Jane, no! I shouldn't have said that, but I feel responsible for what happened to you, and guilty for what you lost." Maura through her arms around Jane, "You know I love you?" Jane nodded and kissed her. "Maura my life changed in a good way, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I love my life with you."

"So, Maura are we okay? Because we should go back upstairs before Ma has Frankie call out the National Guard." Maura smiled, "okay just give me a moment..." Maura picked up the journal and turned back to her prayer.

I guess I owe you an apology and a thank you.

So your answer to evil is to find the good. So when you say I should have hope, you're telling me to look beyond the evil and find the good and place my trust there.

And to be open to the possibilities, because that good may not be what I expect it to be.

Thank you!

Amen

Maura put the book back on the lectern, smiled and turned towards the door. Jane looked quizzical as she noticed the smile on Maura's face. "What?" Maura laughed "I was just talking with your boss, that's all."