A/N: TRIGGER WARNING! *contains suicidal thoughts/actions.
A few weeks later…
"Hey, Sam, you seen Cas anywhere?" Dean asked as he walked out of Bobby's kitchen rubbing his oil-slick hands together, a dishrag slung over his shoulder. Sam looked up from his laptop, eyebrows raised in concern.
"No? I thought he was with you?" Dean cursed silently, rubbing a smear of black upon his forehead when he went to wipe it.
"He was but…" Dean struggled with the right words, the hunter looking up at the ceiling, his hands moving about him wildly. "You know…ever since he 'woke up' he's been, uh, aloof."
"'Aloof,'" Sam repeated sarcastically, eyebrows raised even higher. Dean rolled his eyes with an equally sarcastic, uncomfortable as hell, nod.
"I don't know man…He's freaking everywhere. One minute he's there and the next he's in freaking Australia surrounded by, quote, 'unhappy dogs!'" Sam chuckled silently, looking back at his laptop screen. Dean didn't seem amused.
"He's fine, man. He was with Bobby earlier…something about needing to count all the bees."
"Bees…right," Dean mumbled, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. Sam sighed, shutting his computer.
"Look man, I know that this is not what we were expecting; and I know you were adamant on healing him…but, maybe it's impossible to. I mean, at least he's stopped rambling 'Lucifer this' and 'Lucifer that,' right?" Dean nodded stiffly, the hunter reaching for the towel on his shoulder; half strangling it.
"I don't like it, Sam. I don't. Don't you think this change is rather sudden? I mean, less than two weeks ago he was a babbling mess! He was so scared of everything—of you, Bobby, and I, and now he's counting the bees? Seriously?" Sam sighed, carding his hands through his hair in thought.
"He's taking all of this better than I did," the younger Winchester said seriously, his fingers subconsciously rubbing against his scar. Sam closed his eyes at the unwanted memory, shaking his head. Dean's eyes saddened then, his shoulders drooping.
"I guess you're right…We just need to keep a better eye on him, I guess. I mean, he is still 'Cocoa for Cocoa-Puffs.'" Sam nodded, smiling softly.
"Agreed," Sam said standing and stretching with a sigh. "Let's go find our runaway angel, huh?"
Castiel was indeed chasing after a bumblebee, the angel following after it lucidly. He followed it loyally, his eyes never leaving it even as he tripped over root after root, sometimes even his own feet. The angel was in the forest behind Bobby's house, deeply enthralled with everything nature had to give.
He was filthy, covered in dirt from head to toe from being out in the woods for a few hours now. Cas's trench coat was more or less in tatters now after he had fallen in more than one briar patch, the stickily creatures hardly holding him back from his goal: Mr. Bee.
"You're freaking nuts, you know that right?" A voice reminded Castiel right when he reached for the bee. Cas gasped and pressed his hands against his ears, shaking his head wildly; the bee getting away.
He could do that here. Here was okay. Away from all of them…He was safe here.
Castiel let out a sad laugh, head flying back chaotically, his hands pressed against his stomach. When he looked back down Lucifer was watching him disinterestedly, his arms crossed over his chest, his facial expression extremely bored. Cas ignored him, wandering on, an incredibly insane smile upon his lips as he walked right through Lucifer.
"You can't ignore me forever, ya know," Satan said seriously, following after him, swatting a bee. "Sam tried, failed, and I won. I will win here too, Cassie. You're breaking…cracking at the seams, and you know it. Hide it all you want. One day you're going to blow up, and you'll only bring them even more pain." Castiel screwed his eyes shut, trembling.
Cas couldn't give his brother what he wanted. He couldn't give in.
He was okay. He was okay; really…He was o—
"—Bloody insane?" Lucifer supplied, smile wide, giving his back two thumbs up.
God, he was so freaking far from 'okay.'
"Acceptance," Lucifer said, puckering his lips in thought. "You've skipped a few steps there but that's okay. Keep going."
That's what he'd been doing since day one, when he woke up to find himself in the care of the Winchesters—the two people who deserve more than anything to hate him. Castiel broke Sam, thus inadvertently Dean as well. Yet, here they were caring for him…Why? The angel couldn't understand it. All he knew was that he couldn't be a burden to them—not again.
So Castiel hid his fears, and Lucifer, under this 'lucidness' he had somehow managed to create. By allowing his mind to focus on anything, and everything at once, Cas had somehow enabled himself to actually participate in life; though he was, as Lucifer had told him millions of times, still nuts.
Castiel remembers very vaguely a very worried Dean Winchester, his green eyes staring at him like he had lost the whole world and more, and he couldn't stand it; not that. Hate he could handle, fear…no. Not from Dean—not from any of them.
"Oh? Flashbacks, Cassie? I love those! Watch this!" With a snap of Lucifer's fingers the very ground beneath Castiel seemed to break apart piece-by-piece, boiling lava spurting out. Cas let out a horrified cry, falling flat on his ass, trembling as he watched every patch of earth around him seem to fade away to red and black. The heat was unbearable and Castiel gasped for air.
"The First Day was always my favorite!" Lucifer laughed as he elegantly landed in front of his brother, the fire that surrounded them within his eyes. Castiel looked up at him horrified. It was Hell-fire—Satan's domain.
"N-no…!" Cas garbled out and ran, the hallucination falling away under his white shoes. Lucifer sighed, watching him go with a longing look upon his face.
"Baby come back!" The Devil began to cry out, his hands coming to rest over his heart. "You can blame it all on Lucy!" Lucifer's smile grew wider as Cas grew farther away, arms spread out.
"No? It was too corny, wasn't it? Dammit! Hey, Cas!"
"You sure he went this way, Bobby?" Dean asked for the hundredth time as he walked deeper into the forest, Sam and Bobby trailing after him. Bobby rolled his eyes.
"Stop nagging me! I ain't that old yet, boy! Yes he went this way…He looked happy doing it too. I wasn't about to tell him no." Dean looked back at the older hunter, his eyes understanding but undoubtedly worried.
"We'll find him, Dean," Sam told his brother reassuringly. "There isn't much to explore out here, you know, once you reach the cliff." Dean only went faster, his green eyes even more worried.
Castiel ran with all his heart, his facial expression terrified beyond all belief. He ran into branches, twigs, and all sorts of other things but he kept on.
"Cas, I hate it when we fight…" Lucifer's voice said, echoing all over the forest. Cas let out a strangled sob, tears blurring his eyesight. Suddenly Lucifer manifested before him, arms wide, smile even wider, and Castiel tried to stop but couldn't. Castiel ended up rolling in the rocks, the angel dangerously close to the edge of a cliff.
Castiel rolled on his back, groaning. Satan smirked down at him, his forked tongue slipping out from beneath his teeth, his eyes flashing a hellish red.
"Look at you, you pathetic excuse for an angel…Did you really think that ignoring me, me, would honestly work? You bring such pain, Castiel…So much pain to the ones around you. You only know failure…You are a failure. A failure not only in mortal standards but divine ones as well. You have failed your Father, Castiel." Castiel looked up at Lucifer, his blue eyes gushing fat tears down the sides of his face.
"S-shut up…" Lucifer smiled victoriously, stepping closer. Castiel scrambled to get away, his left hand about going over the edge. Cas looked behind him, eyes wide as he looked down at the earth below, the trees seemingly the size of ants.
When did he get so close to the edge?
"Bet you can't even fly anymore," the Devil taunted even more, his eyes looking behind Castiel himself. Castiel gulped, looking back again. The angel stood up slowly and backed away from the cliff's edge, the divine being looking like a frightened child.
"Bet you wish you could though…" Lucifer whispered in Cas' left ear, the angel squeezing his eyes shut. "Bet you wish you could fly right off this cliff…Don't worry though, the Winchesters will be relieved you're gone." Castiel looked at his brother then, hanging on his every word brokenly.
"D-Dean?" Cas murmured and Lucifer nodded his head, faking sympathy. His left arm snaked itself behind Castiel's back, his hand going to the trembling angel's right shoulder. Castiel didn't seem to notice.
"Yeah, Dean'll be happy when you're gone, and so will Sam. You should hear what they say about you, it's sickening, even to my standards! They're always fighting over who should, quote, 'take care of Cas.' It gets rather violent too. They're always angry…always looking for a way to put you in a corner; out of the way. After all, no one cares that you're broken, Cas."
Castiel looked at his brother emotionlessly, tears streaming down his face.
"N-no o-one cares about…"
"No, no one cares, Cas," Satan told him simply, shrugging. "You're only a burden; a heavy one at that." Castiel looked down at his feet, the edge of the abyss barely a foot away from his beaten shoes. He nudged a small rock with his foot, watching it entrancedly as it lunged over the cliff.
Smiling, Lucifer let go, stepping away whilst Castiel stayed, his eyes glued to the earth below.
"Fly, Cas. Show me what you got. Do it."
Castiel took an uneasy step.
"Do it."
Cas took a more steady step, stumbling a bit, his blue eyes glazed over.
"DO IT—"
"—CAS!"
Castiel about swallowed his tongue as he spun around, the angel barely an inch away from certain death. Dean, Sam, and Bobby were looking at him with horrified looks upon their faces, their bodies tense. Castiel stayed impossibly quiet, his tears yet to stop streaming down his face, but he made no move to step away from the danger.
"C-Cas, c'mon…" Dean tried cautiously, a truly horrified sound coming for the back of his throat. He extended one hand towards the trembling angel and Cas looked as if Dean were about to strike him.
"S-stay back," Castiel warned and about stumbled backwards. Dean cursed loudly, the hunter looking ready to pounce on the angel in frustration. Sam rushed forward himself, the younger Winchester knowing exactly what the angel was going through.
"C-Cas he's not real…" Sam tried softly, Dean's eyes widening in realization. Castiel looked at him dead in the eyes then, panicked.
"Hey, rude," Lucifer scoffed, the demonic creature standing right next to the younger Winchester. "To think I actually thought we had chemistry!"
"Y-yes he is…He's right there…Right there, Sam!" Castiel pointed at Sam wildly, Sam looking sick. Dean was truly horrified then. Castiel wasn't better, he was worse! God, why hadn't they noticed this before?
"Look man, you gotta know what's real and what isn't…" Sam started and Dean looked at him pointedly. Those were his words to him. Sam's eyes flickered to his brother in acknowledgement for a split second before settling on Castiel again.
"I-I can't…" Cas mumbled through a wince, the angel slumping in on himself meekly.
"Yes you can," Dean told him strongly, taking a brave step forward. Cas looked at him nervously and Dean raised his arms up high in surrender, his green eyes misted over.
"Look at us, Cas; really. We are real, and you're scaring the hell out of us man!" Castiel looked conflicted as he looked over at Sam; Sam who was currently being run-through by Lucifer's hand. The Devil smiled and waved.
"W-why…" Cas rasped, his hands pressing against his temples.
"All I'm asking is for you to trust me, Cas…Please," Dean pleaded softly, one hand extending towards him. Castiel looked at the hand warily then into Dean's teary eyes.
"Why should I? Why should you care—?"
"—'Cause you're family," Dean told him quickly, his green eyes piercing. Castiel gulped thickly, looking down. "You're family, Cas, and family sticks together through all the bad times—through all the shit. You're not alone man…We're here, always. You, Sam, and Bobby are all I got. Please don't make me lose you."
"Dean…"
"God that's romantic," Lucifer said, the Devil suddenly popping up right next to Dean. Castiel winced, his eyes falling onto him. Dean snapped his fingers in front of the angel's face, earning his attention. Lucifer huffed once then disappeared.
"Nothing is there, Cas, trust me…Trust me." Dean extended his hand again. Cas nodded his head wearily, his eyes red as he took the offered hand. Dean immediately pulled him away from the cliff and into his arms, the hunter backing away from the cliff carefully. Sam and Bobby ran up to them, both men looking relieved and worn to the bone. Dean seemed to refuse to let the angel go, proceeding to crush Castiel further into his chest in a tight embrace.
"Don't you ever do that again," Dean growled into Castiel's ear, his voice trembling. Cas smiled sadly, closing his eyes in defeat.
"…Alright."
A/n: I had trouble ending this chapter…eep. It's longer than the others ahaha. Tell me what you think? :) Thank you for all the favs and follows! :D
Best wishes as always,
Lthien