I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
Unseen,
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

He enveloped me in a tight, rib-snapping hug, astonishing me and cutting off oxygen simultaneously, which he had always been good at. My head pressed into his shoulder and his arms wrapped around my frame, emotions that had been hidden for years resurfaced. I breathed in his cologne, letting it settle in the air. When he stepped back I could tell he was embarrassed. He shifted awkwardly from foot to foot, and I almost, almost let out a laugh as I saw a faint flush creep onto his strong cheek bones. I'd never seen him blush before.

"Meredith," he says quietly, stepping forward cautiously as if I could run away if he made a sudden movement. Hearing him say my name sent memories flooding through my mind and I instinctively look down to his left hand. It was missing something, a very important simple gold band that had caused so many problems. Frowning I looked up, meeting his gaze.

"Three years ago," he says, answering my unspoken question, "right after you left."

I nod forcefully and gulp back tears as we share our look.

"Your hair's shorter…" he says, and moves hesitantly forward as if asking permission.

I take a step in his direction and he runs a hand through my hair disbelievingly. I'm silent, still trying to adjust to having him in front of me. It's strange to see him and to know he's real, because back in New York City I saw him a million different times on a million strangers' faces. I'm not wondering anymore why I came, the reason is here, in Seattle Grace Hospital, with wavy dark hair, a piercing gaze, and a smirk that made me remember why I fell in love in the first place.

George yells to me from across the hospital and the moment is over. I mumble a hurried, "I missed you," into the air separating us before I go over to George, unsure about whether or not he heard me.

"Couldn't stay away from McDreamy, huh?" George asks when I'm a few feet away.

"Just because I have an obsession doesn't mean you can mock it," I joke, despite the circumstances. He gives a little laugh and gestures to the surgery board.

"I've got an open-heart surgery right now…want to watch?"

"I would love to," I hear myself say, falling into step behind him as he takes off briskly in the direction of the OR. I try to get a glimpse of Derek as we leave the nurse's station but he's gone. I feel an odd emptiness at his disappearance although I've lived three years without him. George seems to notice because he glances over and raises his eyebrows. I ignore him and continue facing forward although I can feel his eyes on me all through the hallway. We separate, George veering off towards the scrub room and me heading in the other direction to the gallery.

--

I miss surgery.

I miss having that familiar rush of adrenaline that lasts for hours, I miss the thrill that comes with saving a life, I miss holding a scalpel. I miss that satisfactory snap that fills a room when you pull on your gloves. I miss Bailey hollering orders to us. I miss rounds. I miss having a neurosurgeon hovering over me in an empty on-call room in between surgeries. I miss knowing I can come back the next morning for rounds, knowing I can do overtime when my personal life gets so complicated that I can't think anymore.

I know I can't go back. I know I can't just jump from being a school teacher back to a surgeon. Being back here, though, in this city that has so many good and bad memories, makes me want to be an intern again.

--

I'm sitting beside Christina again, she's listening to me describe New York when suddenly she turns to look at me.

"When did you first hear about the cancer?" She asks bluntly, catching me by surprise.

"About a month before I left," I say after recovering, "two weeks before my mother died."

She bites her lip and nods.

"And you didn't tell anyone?" Her voice sounds far away, laced with hurt and barely audible.

"No. I didn't want pity from Izzie or George or-"

"You wouldn't have gotten pity from me," she interjects.

"I would have," I argue cautiously, trying not to make her upset, "maybe not as obvious as the others but you would have."

I can feel her mood changing with her expression. Her face suddenly looks unbelievably exhausted, like she's struggling to stay awake. In a moment she's crying uncontrollably. I give her an awkward hug and she clings to me. She's saying something but the words are running together and I can't understand. It's over an hour before we move. Her crying turns to the occasional hiccup, her shoulders stop shaking and I go to talk to Burke after giving her arm one last nudge of assurance. I tell him what happened and he smiles.

"She's going to be okay," he says. The confidence in his voice convinces me that he's telling the truth.

A/N: I forgot to give song names before…the first song was The Universe and You by K.T. Tunstall and the second was I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie. The one at the beginning of this chapter is Strange and Beautiful (I Put A Spell On You) by Aqualung. They're all amazing songs and you should check them out. They have nothing to do with the chapters that they're attached to.

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