Un-understandable chapter 4

Edward POV

My mother was arguing with airport security. I was zoning out though, I may be in trouble, but that's not important, I'm not really sure what is, at the moment, not my life, not anyone's, just that Bella is gone. She isn't here. Nothing matters now. My mother's voice was getting steadily faster and more furious, I could tell she was holding herself together for my sake, that when it was night and everyone was asleep, she would let her tears fall freely, no one there to watch her suffer. Bella was a daughter to her, she was my best friend, closer than a sister, I could never see her like that, but she knew me better than anyone. Hell, she knew me better than I knew myself. I felt the tears falling down my face, but I didn't register that I was crying, or perhaps it was that I didn't care. I could see my mother driving us home, her face determined, but otherwise her emotions contained, I could only see the tear tracks from her earlier tears streaking her face. As she sped through the rain, I leant my head on the window, I could only pray that someday she would come back to me.

"What happened?" demanded a teary Alice as soon as the car pulled up, she was badgering me, stepping in my way like an annoying fly which won't leave you alone. I kept my head down and tried to push past her. I heard her begin to sob. She flew into my mother's arms and I walked up the stairs to my room, I slammed the door shut as hard as I could. I threw thing around my usually immaculate room and was yelling. I smashed many of my things and ended up breathless, my room trashed, my throat raw, and I hit my head on my wall as I leaned heavily against it crying. Alice came in sadly.

"Oh Edward," she sighed when she saw me. She wrapped me in a hug. "I know. I know." She says crying a little again. "I love her too. It's okay, Edward. She'll be back." She said, rubbing my back and I sobbed like a child into her.

We fell asleep and when I woke she was still sleeping. Her form was so tiny and vulnerable. Her face was still red from crying. Other than that she was pale, she was tired from the emotions I guess. I got up and went to my window, careful not to disturb her.

I climbed out and ran to the tree-house by the stream a little way behind my house. It was the place where me and Bella spent most of our time before Tanya, whenever we were together at my house, sleepovers, playing, whatever, we were almost always in my room, the garden, by this stream, or in the tree house. It was our place. Even the others didn't go in there without permission, it was like this special place for Bella and me. Us, alone. No one else was allowed, not even to get us down, they had to be granted access, and it had to be a joint agreement, unless in emergency circumstances, for example now, I guess.

I saw mom walking out next to the stream slowly, she was crying, silently, but I could still tell. She sat down and she almost seemed to have given up, defeated on the ground. I sat down next to her, looking exactly the same, I wrapped her in a hug and she cried into me, and for the first time since Bella was gone, I wasn't crying, but I was damn close. The only thing stopping the tears was my fear, I had only seen my mother truly cry once before, when dad was in car accident, he wasn't going to make it, mom constantly insisted he was going to be fine, to us and the doctors, and to herself. When his heart stopped beating, I wasn't supposed to be there, I was asleep, and my mother was taking me out, but then she heard his heart monitor go on a monotone. She put me down and sprang into action, a few doctors came in hearing her desperate call, and I was frozen, when she saw them turn to her with regret on their faces, I saw her shove them out the way, stepping up. She knew extensive first aid and trained to be a nurse years ago. She started CPR, and when that didn't work she tried shocking him to life. Her shakes were controlled and her emotions heightened, but essential for her courage. The doctors said it was a miracle. He lived and with no brain damage. The said he shouldn't have made it through the hour after his heart failed, but her hope and faith kept him alive, and her persistence kept everyone going, including those who we didn't know could hear her. All I knew from what she was saying as I couldn't hear her, was from what dad had told me afterwards. She had insisted he wasn't going to die, she wouldn't allow it, and told her to picture the kids, us, without either of their parents, as he wouldn't be sane without him. Apparently, knowing that losing him would mean losing her helped him keep fighting, and the relentless voice telling him he could make it helped a little. But she never cried, she cried later that night, at the hospital as she refused to leave. I woke and saw her sobbing into a still dad. She was pale and looked terrified. She said 'I thought I was going to lose you, for just a second, I saw what life would be like without you, and I am so frightened, you gave me a scare today baby, but I know for sure you will make it through, I'm not being stubborn, I'm just right, and I know it, I'm sure, because you just have to, and that's the end of it, so no more scares like that please, because' she let out another sob 'I can't take any more of that, I just can't deal with it. I can't bear the thought of losing you, not even for long enough to see any sense at all. I got lucky today, but I am not a doctor, I don't know how to save a life, I just know how to save love, to keep going, we are keeping this family whole, and I know I can't losing anyone else from it, I'd fall to pieces, and if that ever happens, you need to be right there with me to try and pick them up. Because we are married, and I love you more than I can say, and I can't let you leave me, because the Earth is not ready for you to leave, just yet, you have a lot more time on this planet, so don't you dare even think about thinking about leaving. I love you, come back to me honey, please, please I want you to wake up. Please.' And sure enough, he did, not then, but the next day, he stirred, and as the week progressed he was able to move and woke up.

"Hey honey." She said, her voice husky from the tears.

"Hey mom."

"It's okay to cry you know, you loved that girl more than anyone, she's family, and you love her, we all know. Except her, she didn't know that, she needed that. Honey, you have to tell her." she said quietly.

"I can't. She's my best friend, I can't lose her. She knows I love her, she still left." I replied desperately.

"Sweetie, what did she whisper to you at the airport? What were you two talking about?" she asked.

I thought about it. She asked me if I loved Tanya, I told her yes, though I wasn't sure. She asked me if I loved her as a friend, if that's why I wanted her to stay, I said yes, and she told me she loved me, she must mean she loved me too, and then she got on the plane.

I shook my head in confusion. "Nothing that would have changed anything." I muttered hoarsely.

"Okay, well you keep thinking about it, I'm going inside." She said with a half exasperated smile, half sad.

"There's nothing to think about!" I raised my voice slightly. She shook her head slightly, kissed me on the cheek, and walked back to the house.

"NO!"I yelled in fury, it was not me that made her leave, the thought hurt so much, I knew it was probably true. I smashed my fists against the tree and attacked it in rage, without noticing the tears streaming down my face. "No!" I begged nothing in particular, falling to my knees in anguish. I needed comfort, I needed my rock, I needed Bella, but if she was here, I wouldn't, I would feel better. I went to the place where I felt closest to her, I climbed the old tree house, and I slept in it, collapsing in exhaustion upon its worn floor, I felt like a little boy again, like when we first came in this place together.

When I woke the first rays of sun began to shine through, and with a painful twist of my chest, I realised I couldn't come back up here, it made the pain triple, and I just couldn't live with that much pain, guilt and shame. It was my fault, it had to have been, we had been drifting apart, and Bella thought I didn't like her, but I did, I do, I always will, she's my best friend, I love her more than anything, but one thing's for sure; I can't return to this tree house. I climbed down and traipsed inside the house, past the girls, Jasper, and my parents, and stumbled into the basement, and curled up into a little ball.

"Hide and seek Bells, come find me, or I'll come find you." I whispered to the air.