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Chapter 4 - Reckless

Bella woke in the early morning light to find Jacob snoring softly beside her. For a moment, she thought he might be a dream. Perhaps the venom had finally overtaken her system and she was floating somewhere between life and death in an awful purgatory of her own design. Just as she began to tremble from the thought, Jacob sighed, breathing her name in sleep.

Curled into his warmth, Bella began to turn over the events of the previous night in her mind. She felt lighter somehow. As if her soul had been freed from the awful destruction which plagued her for months. It was something she hadn't felt in what seemed like forever. Foreign and strange.

Happy.

Bella couldn't help but smile while she watched Jacob sleeping. He had saved her so many times. She wondered when he would tire of it. When would he finally decide she wasn't worth it and toss her aside? Guilt ripped through her.

Jacob.

She'd treated him terribly. All these months he'd picked up the broken pieces of her life, his strong arms holding her together on days when she couldn't hang on.

Tracing his brow, running her fingers through his silky hair, Bella wanted to love him. To keep him for her own. Yet, she knew it was selfish. There were things she had to do first. Charlie needed her to be a better daughter. Jacob needed her to be a better friend. The pack needed her gratitude for all they had been doing.

Someday, I'll make it up to you, she vowed. I'll find a way.

Jacob stirred next to her, beginning to slowly wake. Strong arms snaked around her waist, pulling her more tightly into his warmth. Bella whimpered when the fragile wounds of her wrist were crushed painfully between them.

Jacob's eyes flew open, worried and afraid. "Bells, honey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just, my wrist..." she wiggled a little and Jacob eased up the pressure.

"God, Bells, I'm sorry." He searched her face, looking for something, answers to a hundred unspoken questions. "So, how do you feel?"

"I... I don't know, exactly. It hurts. My wrist I mean." There was so much that she couldn't put her finger on, words failing her now when she needed them the most.

Jacob nodded in comprehension, knowing she probably didn't fully recall what had happened the night before. "It's pretty torn up. You really did a number on it. Emily put a bunch of stitches in there." He paused, trying to compose himself, but the stain of betrayal marred his dark eyes. "What were you thinking? You could have really hurt yourself. You could have died, Bells."

The hurt in his voice served to double the guilt welling up inside of her. "I can't really explain it. I was so tired, so frustrated. So sick of feeling lost all the time. I hated myself. I looked in that mirror and I saw how awful I looked... the way you and everyone else sees me every day. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. Then I got mad. Really mad and smashed the damn mirror. That stupid scar. I just wanted it gone. I had no idea what would happen. That thing that came out of it. It scared the hell out of me, Jake."

Gently, he pulled her close again, stroking her soft hair and resting his cheek against hers. "I could kill that bastard for doing that to you. I know you loved him, hell, you still do, but Edward did this to you. Him and the rest of the leeches. They should die for this."

Bella couldn't help but agree, then gasped when she realized that Jacob had spoken his name, breaking that unwritten rule between them.

Jacob realized the mistake too late, apologizing over and over again, when Bella made him stop. Realization that it didn't hurt washed over her. The hole in her chest didn't rip painfully open.

"Say it again," she whispered, needing to confirm that it wasn't just a fluke. That she could survive in a world without Edward Cullen and everything he left behind.

"What? That they should die? I'm sorry, Bells but they should."

"No, I mean his name!" she cried, desperate to hear it again.

Jacob gave her a hurt look, then rolled over onto his side, sitting up on the edge of the bed. "After all that, you still can't let him go," he whispered, voice broken and lonely.

"Jake, just do it again. Say it again. Say his name!" She practically shouted at him this time, desperate to figure out the truth.

When he turned towards her, it was with real anger. Anger at the one thing he knew constantly drove a wedge between them. "Fine! Edward. Precious Edward fucking Cullen!"

Bella laughed like a loon. "It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt!"

She jumped up and threw her arms around the bewildered boy. "Oh god, Jake, I can hear his name and it doesn't hurt!"

"Honey, ssshhh.. Charlie's waking up." Bella could almost see his ears prick up, listening carefully. "Ok, he fell back asleep."

Jacob smiled down at her and Bella wondered just when it was that his smile had become so beautiful. How had she missed it before? Looking around the bedroom, Bella realized that everything seemed brighter somehow. More vivid. It was like she'd been wearing blinders for months and now the sunlight was streaming in.

Jake's eyes went wide, lingering on her bandaged wrist. "So, that thing inside of you. It was messing with you somehow. That's what Dad and Old Quil had suspected anyway. They'd talked about it before, but last night, when they saw... it was bad Bella. I couldn't stay near you. I nearly turned wolf in the living room when Embry and I came in to burn it. The stink was unbearable. Worst I've ever smelled."

Suddenly Bella thought about Charlie and how he might have found them last night. "Jake, what does my dad know? Does he think... Jake, you know I wasn't trying to kill myself or anything, right?"

Jacob held her even more tightly. Hearing the admission from her lips was something he'd needed in order to save what was left of his own fragile sanity. "I know, Bells. I know. I thought, maybe at first, that was what you'd tried to do. But then I saw the cuts you'd made..." he trailed off, as if seeing it all in his mind again. The pool of blood that stained the floor, the wild mania that painted her delicate features. The ribbon of marble skin that dangled from her arm and finally the silver fingers slithering and feeding off her blood.

"We told Charlie that you slipped on the wet floor and that your hand slammed into the cabinet when you were closing it. He seemed to buy it. Said it had a little crack in it anyhow."

"But I didn't go to the hospital. He has to wonder," she insisted, trying to understand what it was that made her overly cautious father so lax in this situation.

"Nah, we told him that Emily was here and she just got out the first aid kit. That we didn't want him to worry with everything that was already happening," he assured her, then realized why Bella was so confused. "Harry died last night, honey."

Bella sighed heavily. It was all so messed up. Everything was as bad as it could get, yet in the middle of all the chaos her world was finally getting righted. She needed to think. "Jake, I'm gonna take a shower and then I'll make some breakfast. Why don't you get a little more sleep. I'll wake you up when the food is ready."

"Nah. I've gotta check in with Sam. Breakfast sounds good though. It's gonna be a long day." Then he stood, pulling open the window and jumped soundlessly to the ground.

Ten minutes later Bella emerged from the bathroom, waltzing into her bedroom to find some clothes. When she looked at herself in the mirror that hung over the dresser, she was surprised at what she saw. The sallow tone was gone from her skin. Her brown eyes were bright and her cheeks flushed with color. She felt good.

Alive.

Charlie was astonished to see his daughter at the kitchen table that morning, eating more in one sitting than she had in months. Even more of a surprise was the smile on her lips and the laughter that flowed from inside of her. Somehow, he knew he had gotten his daughter back. He prayed it was for keeps.

As time went on, Bella's outward wounds healed. Jacob tried and tried, yet still she rebuffed his romantic overtures, subtle though they might be. She held him at arms length, keeping him firmly planted in the friend zone. He sucked it up, happy just to know she was all right now. That she was better.

Bella had formed a friendship with Leah. Laughing and joking with her when others wouldn't dare. The two seemed to somehow connect over a broken heart caused by supernatural forces beyond their control. As the months passed by, Bella spent less and less time in Jacob's company and more in Leah's... or anyone else for that matter. Even though he barely saw her anymore, Jacob still observed her carefully, often from a distance or by picking through Leah's thoughts when she thought nobody was listening. Bella's behavior might seem normal to most of the pack, but Jacob had known her his entire life. It was erratic and off.

She was vivacious. More so than he knew her to ever be. Flirtatious. A different date every week. Bella attended the bonfires and pack gatherings. These days she could be found at Leah or Emily's at all hours. She paid attention to everyone. Flirting with all the guys.

All but one.

Jacob couldn't understand why she continued to rebuff him when it was so clear to him and everyone else that Bella loved him. Things should have been simple now, but nothing in his young life ever was.

Then one night the dam burst... and hell followed with it.

It was warm, the ocean breeze sweet and beautiful. The sun had sunk over the vast pacific in a great blaze of fire. Flames licked against the driftwood in shades of blue and green while the pack gathered round for an evening of celebration. The redhead was finally gone. They'd destroyed her. Victoria was nothing more than ash. A bad memory of the past.

The pack had gathered on the beach playing football, tackling each other into the cool, foamy surf. Bella and Emily had prepared a feast. Mountains of food and drink overflowing from groaning tables. Evening had come at last, relieving the wolves from the ever present stares of tourists and curious tribe members who misjudged or accused their group of misdeeds. Stars dotted the night sky like brilliant diamonds.

Across the fire, Bella laughed gaily, eyes bright and glittering. Jacob watched her from a distance. She refused to sit with him even though it was he that had torn Victoria's head from her stone cold body. It was he that tossed the match, igniting the blaze. It was he that freed Bella from months of endless suffering.

It was as if he didn't exist.

A cooler of beer sat half sunk into the sand. The wolves drank greedily, but to a fruitless end. They couldn't get drunk and even if they did, the euphoria was short lived.

Jacob's eyes narrowed when he spotted Bella with a cold bottle in her hand. One more thing that had changed about her in the last several months. A new recklessness had been awakened in her. Greedy to savor life, heedless of the consequences it might bring.

"Dude, what's your problem?" Quil fell backward into the sand next to him with a thud.

"Fuck off. I'm not in the mood."

Quil nodded in Bella's direction. Her head was thrown back in laughter, cheeks flushed and happy. "Looks like your girl is. She's having a good time. Come on, Jake, it's a celebration!"

Jacob couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice. "She's not my girl, Quil. Not by a long shot."

"See, that's where you're wrong Black. Bella is yours. I don't know why either of you are fighting it. I'd swear you imprinted on her if I didn't know better."

Quil was right. Ever since that awful night Billy had pulled the venom out of her body, the pull Jacob felt to Bella had been intensified. More than it had been prior to the incident and that was saying something.

"Yeah, well, the gods never wanted to make my life that easy," Jacob retorted, wishing Quil would just go away and leave him to wallow in misery. Again, luck wasn't on his side.

"Look, Bella's cool. I get that. But have you thought about trying to move on?" he asked.

"What do you think?" Jacob snapped angrily. In truth he had, but all he saw was Bella. Every bit of her consumed him from the inside out. She was his every thought, every whisper, every hidden desire he'd ever felt. All of her. Wolf wanted her. Man wanted her. Yet something in him knew... she wouldn't stay.

It was almost more than he could bear.

"Alright, I get it!" Quil threw his hands up in defeat. "I'm not saying you shouldn't go after her, but seriously, this is getting old. What's her deal? We all know she's in love with you."

"Yeah, well, if you figure that one out, let me know. I don't get it either."

"Maybe you've made yourself too available to her," Quil suggested.

"I hardly spend time with her anymore. Not alone, anyway. Hell, she doesn't even sit with me at these things anymore. It's like one big fucking 'group date'. I tell you what, it's gettin' old." The longer he sat there watching, the more angry he'd become.

Quil sensed the fine thread of sanity in Jacob Black was teetering on the edge of snapping. Something needed to be done and soon. "Jake, you oughta just tell her how you feel."

"I've done that a hundred times." Not that it's mattered one bit, he thought.

"Have you since..." Quil's voice trailed off, unsure if he should bring it up. The pack never spoke of what happened to Bella. Seeing her in Jacob's thoughts, prone and half naked on the bathroom floor had scared them all beyond reckoning, just as much as it enraged their wolves.

Jacob hooked an eyebrow, understanding what he was getting at. "Since she peeled the skin off her wrist like an apple? No."

Quil sighed heavily. He loved Bella like a sister. Especially now when the worst part of her life seemed to be behind her. She and Jake were a bull-headed pair, perfectly matched.

"Just try talking to her again," he advised. "It's been months. You need to do it before she finds someone else and you're left in the dirt."

"Yeah, I'll try."

Jacob's eyes stayed trained on Bella who was finishing her fourth beer. She was swaying from side to side a little, clearly feeling the effects of the alcohol. Leah leapt to her feet, pulling Bella with her to dance clumsily in the sand. The girls started to put on a show. One that didn't need to be displayed in front of a bunch of horny teenage werewolves.

Jacob watched while they rubbed up against each other, moving slow and sultry to the rhythm coming from the old radio. Bella's hair spilled to the side, exposing that long expanse of neck he loved so much. Hell, there were nights when he dreamed of nothing but tracing his lips softly over it, following its road to her delicious mouth. Bella arched her back into Leah, raising her arms, chest curving out provocatively and making Jacob moan with desire. He wanted her so fucking bad.

He could have dealt with it. Sucked it up and let her suck him dry. It wasn't until Paul sauntered up to Bella and placed his hands on her hips that Jacob Black began to lose control.

Bella smiled wickedly, licking her lips and pressing into the wolf as if she were his own. Paul leaned down, kissing her neck.

My neck, Jacob thought. Mine!

Pauls mouth traced up her jaw, narrowly missing her lips to land near her ear, whispering what Jacob was sure to be a sick proposition that would end up in dirty sheets that reeked of sex with a hundred other women.

Jacob waited to see Bella push Paul away, laugh at him, slap him for even considering it.

Much to his horror, Bella instead placed her tiny hand in Paul's, allowing him to lead her away from the beach.

The wolf inside snarled with fury. This had to be a sick joke. Bella was too pure, too innocent for this. But Paul's arm slung around Bella's shoulders, holding her like a damn possession, was no laughing matter.

Jacob leapt to his feet, practically lunging across the beach to attack the jackass, knocking him down brutally into the sand.

"What the hell, Black!" Paul looked up at him from the ground, a shit-eating grin on his face. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"Asshole. I know what you're trying to pull and it's not gonna happen!" Then Jacob picked Bella up, slinging her over his shoulder like a small child. He was pissed off and ready to have it out with her once and for all.

"Jake, let me down!" she cried, assaulting his back with every ounce of strength she had.

Resolutely ignoring her tiny fists and kicking legs, Jacob stared straight ahead with one destination in mind. The one place he knew that they'd be alone and the pack dared not come find them.

"What the hell has gotten into you?" she screamed, drunk and appalled by his behavior.

Jacob laughed sarcastically. "That's rich. What's gotten into me? Are you fucking serious?"

"Jake, this is crazy! Let me go!"

"Whatever, Bella. In case you haven't noticed, nobody else is coming to save your ass. It's just you and me." A situation he knew she had been trying to avoid.

Jacob all but kicked in the door of the house, marching back to the tiny bedroom he called his own and unceremoniously dropped her down hard on the bed.

Bella leapt up, but Jacob shoved her backward onto the mattress. "No way. You're not going anywhere. I have things to say and for once in your stubborn life, you're gonna listen."

"I don't know what the hell you were thinking tonight, taking off with Paul, letting him put his hands on your body. I've watched you pull this shit for months. Acting like a girl I've never met. Hell! You don't even spend time with me anymore. What the fuck, Bella?" Small tremors ran up his spine at the thought of what might have happened. The wolf was angry and so was he.

Bella narrowed her eyes at him, the firm set of her jaw matching Jacob's own stubbornness. "It's none of your business if I want to take off with Paul or anyone else for that matter!"

Pure rage boiled in Jacob's veins that she dared say such a thing to him. "The hell it isn't! I love you! You're mine, goddamnit! I don't know why in the hell you keep pushing me away, but this has to fucking stop now! You're either in or out Bella. I'm not sitting back anymore and watching you make a fool out of me or yourself. I'm done chasing after you. Do you hear me? I'm done. No more Jake to the rescue. Victoria is gone and you don't need me anymore. Not to fix your truck or your fucking life!"

"Who asked you to be my savior anyway?" Jumping upward, she pushed at him angrily, furious with him, her life and everything in it. "Who fucking appointed you my keeper?"

"You did!" he exclaimed. "The second you showed up in my garage a year ago!"

Tears shimmered in her eyes, threatening to spill over her face to betray the awful mask of judgement she tried to wear. "Just leave me alone, Jake. I'm not worth it anyway. Go off and find some other girl to love. I'm not her. I'll never be her." The words were meant to hurt. To push him away. To save his aching soul even if at the same time it cut her own to shreds.

Jacob grabbed her by the wrist as she tried to shove past him. He glared down at her, angry and shaking, but his voice was sad and bleeding. "Tell me why, Bells. For once, just fucking tell me why."

Bella looked away, unable to meet his eyes, knowing if she did, the dam would break. "Just forget it."

"That's not a reason, Bells."

Bella jerked her hand away from him, holding up her mangled wrist in front of his face. Ugly white raised scars criss-crossed the surface of her skin. "This! This is why! Every single time I look at it, I feel like shit." Angry tears spilled out of her eyes and she trembled, broken and weak. "It reminds me of every damn thing I ever did wrong. To you, to Charlie, to myself. I'm not worth it, Jake. I ruin everything I touch."

Jacob finally understood. It wasn't that she didn't love him. It was fear that held her back. The last vestige of the past manifested in physical form. A constant reminder of all that had happened each time she looked at her own body.

Pulling her into his chest, Jacob felt the old familiar comfort of her little body collapsing into his warmth. Bella needed to cry. To let out months of suffering and obsessing over things far beyond human control.

The night when she had cut away her demons Jacob thought she'd hit rock bottom. Now he understood that had only been a dance on the water's edge. Tonight the tide of uncertainty had finally pulled her under. The girl weeping in Jacob's arms was shattered. Just like the broken glass on the bathroom floor, everything that had once embodied Bella Swan was scattered into a thousand pieces.

Jacob stroked her hair, holding her close while she sobbed into his chest, just as he had done so many times before. It wasn't good for a person to keep so much inside.

"Bella, listen to me," he whispered. "I love you. Nothing you did caused this." Jacob cupped her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. "It wasn't your fault. You were sad. It happens. It was out of your control. All of it."

Lifting the mangled wrist to his lips, Jacob kissed the ugly scars with tenderness and devotion. "All of this tells me a story. Your story. My story. Our story. I know they bother you. I've seen it in your eyes. I think they're beautiful."

Bella laughed through tears, shaking her head and smiling with trembling lips. Only Jacob Black could force such a reaction from her. "You're nuts, you know that?"

Jacob kissed her forehead, hugging her tightly with one arm, resting the broken wrist to his loving heart. "No. They just tell me how brave and strong you really are. I have something for you though."

She watched as he went over to the dresser, pulling a leather cuff from inside a drawer. Jacob led her to the bed, seated her beside him then placed her wrist over the leather.

"I made this for you a few months ago," he explained, carefully lacing together the cords to bind it. "I thought that maybe you might want it so that other people don't have to see. But, if it makes you feel better not to see them, that's okay too. I just want you to be happy, Bells."

When he finished, Jacob covered the cuff with his hand.

So warm, she thought. It was always warm now. No more deep cold penetrating her soul.

"Thank you," she whispered, though the words were not sufficient enough. There were so many things he had done for her. So much to be grateful for. Jacob never gave up on her. Never left her.

That was her undoing.

Searching his face, Bella found she could no longer hold herself back from him. That with everything she had, wanted to love Jacob Black completely.

Never once looking away from his eyes, she stretched upward, pressing her lips to his. Gently at first, hesitant and questioning. They were soft, yielding, so full of love.

When Jacob kissed her back it was without reservation. No self-imposed limits or danger holding him back. Opening his mouth, tongue tracing the curve of her lip before delving inside her mouth, he kissed her with so much love, so much passion that it hurt.

Bella's heart pounded, fingers weaving into the soft, silken strands of his black hair, all the while moving closer and closer to him, as if trying to climb inside of his body. Jacob pulled her into his lap, strong arms holding her tight.

There was a part of her that knew she shouldn't do this. Jacob would expect things after tonight. Things she wasn't ready for or capable of giving. Yet, at that moment, there was nothing else that she wanted more than him. When the tips of his fingers traced the curve of her back, reaching upward and tangling in her hair, Bella forgot everything she ever knew. There was only Jacob.

Making love to him was the singular most defining experience of her life. The intensity in his eyes, the soft sheen of sweat that formed on his brow. A boyish smile painted on a man's face. The sheer devotion that radiated from him was both overwhelming and comforting at the same time.

Jacob loved her thoroughly. Delicate at first, cautious and gentle until the pain ebbed away and there was only pleasure left in its wake. Silky copper skin slid against creamy white under the waning summer moon. Clean mountain water and sharply scented pine surrounded her.

Jacob.

Bella watched as he slept that night, a soft, dreamy smile playing on his lips. The lines of his face smooth and worry-free. It was in slumber that he became the boy she once knew. The one who laughed so freely, the teenager who begged to hold her hand at the movies.

"My Jacob," she whispered.

That night, Bella fell asleep in his arms.

When dawn broke over the morning sky, Bella woke to soft kisses on her neck. Yet there was something in his touch that told her he knew. Knew she couldn't stay.

It was then that he spoke the words to prove her right.

"Will you write to me?" he asked.

"All the time," she whispered, knowing it was a promise she couldn't keep.

"Do you know when you're coming back yet?"

"No. I just, I need... I don't know what I need. To get away from the memories I suppose. So I can heal, become the person I want to be. The one everyone deserves."

"Who you deserve. You deserve to be happy, Bells."

Tears slipped from her eyes. Bella rolled over to face him, only to see the wet shimmer in Jacob's own. "Jake, I..."

He pressed a finger to her lips, silencing her from saying the things he didn't want to hear. Things he already knew... had known for a long time but refused to acknowledge. "It's alright. I've know for a long time that you couldn't stay."

"I love you," she whispered, wanting him to know the truth. That last night meant something to her, just as much as it did to him. Yet now wasn't the time. It wasn't just her that needed to work on things and grow up. Jacob needed to as well.

"I know," he said, resting his forehead against hers, his eyes closed tightly, voice shaking with unchecked emotion. "I've always known. I love you too."

Two days later, Bella kissed Jacob goodbye and boarded a plane bound for the Florida sunshine, unsure of when or if she would ever see him again.

What are your thoughts regarding Bella and Jacob's behavior? Has her reaction been reasonable, irrational or realistic? What about Jacob? Was he expecting too much, too soon?

Those of you who have read my stories in the past know that from time to time I post an extra chapter between updates. Curious to see where our favorite couple is in six years? Let's get this new story some momentum! Enough reviews and I'll post an update again tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!