Ch. 3-Of Snakes and Weasels

Tip 3- Orochimaru and the Akatsuki do not get along well, if at all.

Shonan

Hello, oh wonderful readers! I see you have come to my mind for refuge against those other losers, Krystalia and hay-Lin! Okay, maybe not. However, my next words will shock and amaze you. I'm bored. Yes, I'm bored in the mansion. WITH all my cats, too! Therefore, to quell the boredom a bit, I have a plan. Actually, I have many plans. First, I strike teh Weasel. What are you doing? Will it obtain blackmail? Arg, Hay-Lin. No, now shoo…wait no. Actually, it will get good blackmail. But I need your help. Where's Tachi? The living room, reading, why? We're going to make the Uchiha prick loose his cool. Sweet, I'm in. Great, come on, meet you there. I slinked down to the living room as quietly as possible. Sure enough, Tachi was sitting in an armchair, reading the Encyclopedia of Genjutsu. I smirked. This'll be fun, just you watch and see. Hay-Lin gave the signal, and I darted out behind him, grabbing the book, then jumping on top of the armchair, yelling "Tachi reads porn!" in a singsong voice. Hay-Lin grinned evilly as I released the genjutsu. Sure enough, I was now holding Icha Icha Paradise. Hay-Lin caught the whole thing on tape. "Attack plan B2, success!" I said, returning Tachi's book. Kisame looked up from the TV screen.

"You bored?"

"Yup"

"Who's next?"

"Pinocchio"

"Figures. He's always your second target."

"Yup, and then the Jashinist Bitch is next, followed by the Zombie Whore and Pein."

"Wow. Your level of respect or lack thereof amazes me." mumbled Hay-Lin. I stalked off to Sasori's workshop, where I could hear him working on his latest puppet. I quietly opened the door, and act of suicide to a normal person, and peeked in. The puppet bitch was intently focused on his new puppet, and was currently attaching a new arm to one of his dolls. I grinned. I, quiet as a shadow, melted over to the puppet master's side. I watched for a few moments, staying slightly behind him, then yelled at the top of my lungs,

"HAI PINOCCHIO!" I watched in utter glee as he dropped the arm, which broke, on the ground and swore loudly. I snapped a photo, then ran as fast as I could out of there. I stopped over in hay-Lin's room to drop off the photo. Blackmail is sweet. Hidan's in the game room, with me, Kakuzu, Krystalia, Mist, and Deidara .K, thanks. I headed over to the only game room I showed the Akatsuki-the one where they can play pool and gamble. I bet the Espadas would like it here, too. Sure enough, Hidan was in the game room. He was sprawled out on a couch, watching a game of poll. I went over to him. Time to mess with his mind. "Hi-daan, I'm bored!" he flinched and started to get up. "What do you say we have some fun, just you and me?" What are you planning? You'll see. Hidan sat down.

"Okay, bitch, I knew you would lighten up!" Deidara looked up, taking in every detail of the scene before him with malice.

"Yayz! Here, take this! That way we'll have an even sword battle!" I said, happily throwing Hidan a sword.

"W-what?" Nice one. Trick him into fighting you. Of course. I knew he would run away if I only say I'm bored. I've fought him enough times. All I had to do was use his perverted mind to my advantage and word my request so it has double meaning, and he willingly agreed. Deidara laughed to himself. "No way, bitch! Go bother someone else!" yelled Hidan, throwing the sword on the ground.

"Ah well, I tried. Now where's…the Zombie Whore! Bakuzu, beware, I'm coming!" I cried, going over to Kakuzu, who was playing poker with Deidara. As soon as he heard me coming, he got up and began to leave, not even bothering to count his newly won money. He was trying to escape the Shonan. "Kuzu! Where chuz be going? Is yous going to put your contacts in? Can I come? WAIT!" Kakuzu just went faster. When he got to his room, he slammed the door shut, letting me run into it. "Bakuzu…"

"Go away, I'm busy."

"Are you putting your contacts in? or adjusting them?"

"No. Go away. I don't even have contacts."

"Yes you do. Otherwise, why are your eyes that color? Everyone knows you have brown eyes to match your hair, but you poke yourself in the eyes putting in your green contacts, irritating them. Then, your eyes look green and red! It's not natural, but it makes sense! You see? My logic works! Hey, Bakuzu, you listening? Kuzu?" I heard a lock click. "meener" I went over to find Pein. On my way there, I asked Tobi and Hay-Lin to come. "Can we invite Medusa over?"

"Who?" asked Pein.

"Orochimaru." Supplied Hay-Lin, who knows my nicknames well. In fact, she actually uses this one.

"What! Why would you want to invite him? Knowing him, he would bring Sasuke and Kabuto! It would be Itachi's ultimate demise!" yelled Pein. Madara grunted.

"I'm bored. I can tell him who to bring! I know exactly who's coming!" I explained. Pein sighed. There's just no arguing with the Shonan.

"Fine."

"Yayz! " I ran over to find a phone. I dialed Medusa's number(I got him a landline over the summer) and waited.

"Hello?" It was four-eyes.

"Kabuto, get Orochimaru for me."

"Wow, you're serious. Okay. Orochimaru-same! Shonan's on the phone!" I faintly heard Medusa hiss to 'hang up before the bitch knows what happened.' Then, four-eyes told him that I'm serious, and he sighed.

"Fine. Hello? What is it?"

"Can you come over and bring DBH, Four-Eyes, the Sound Five, Suigetsu (I still haven't found him a suitable nickname yet), Juugo (nor him), and the Redheaded Whore?"

"Who?" I sighed. Nobody knows my nicknames.

"Sasuke, Kabuto, the Sound Five, Suigetsu, Juugo, and Karin."

"Oh. Sure, but why?"

"I'm bored."

"Well in that case, where are you?"

"At home with the Akatsuki. You'd better get along, or I will unleash Demon Kitty on you. Besides, Hay-Lin can heal your sickness, making you never need another host body again, or if you don't want that, then she can make your host behave."Don't volunteer me for anything. Go die in a hole.

"Fine, but where's 'home'?"

"Oh yeah, you don't know. Umm…I'll send Hirashi to get you. Wait for her."

"Okay." He hung up. How rude. I called Hirashi.

"Lady Shonan, you called?" a white and orange spotted cat wearing a blue summons jacket and Rain village headband asked.

"Yes. Can you fetch Medusa, his boy-toys, the Sound five, and Hebi?"

"Sure! Anything else?"

"Yes. While Juugo's here, we cannot speak of…wait, never mind. That's a different world. Bye!" Hirashi nodded, then headed off to Medusa's base. I called the Akatsuki over. "Okay, Medusa's coming, however, I invited him, so don't kill him or his followers. If you do, I'll kill you." Tobi was the first to speak.

"who?"

"Orochimaru." Kisame laughed.

"That's genious! Ha!"

"I know, right?" I grinned.

"Shonan, I'm back!" yowled Hirashi. I went over to the front door to greet her. I praised her quick work and picked her up to pet her. She's such a good cat. Tachi came up behind me.

"Sasuke." OMJ it spoke.

"Itachi." DBH(Duck-butt hair/head) spat out venomously. I watched quietly, then turned into a cat and jumped on his head.

"Teh weasel hath speaketh" I mewled happily. Suigetsu looked at me, puzzled.

"What's that?" I huffed indignantly. He had walked in late and missed my transformation. He, like most of the others, were taking in the inside of the house. The genjustsu was back up outside, so it looked like a cottage outside.

"That, baka, is a cat." Stated Karin, pushing up her glasses.

"I have a name, you know." I muttered. I jumped down from my perch and turned back human. "My name is Shonan. Hear it, learn it, remember it. You'll need it."

"You're a bitch" said Karin.

"So are you" I retorted. Really, she is. The only thing worse than a Karin is an Uchiha. God, how I loathe Uchihas. They should all die. Thank god my good friend the Weasel eliminated most of that dreaded species. At least the last three somewhat listen to me. Orochimaru was staring at Itachi like I stare at a fish. It was actually kind of scary, if you ask me. So, I slapped him. "Snap out of it, Medusa."

"Who's Medusa?" he asked, gingerly rubbing his sore check.

"Who do you think? A snake-haired bitch so ugly that just one look at her turns you into stone. So basically, it's you." Orochimaru looked scandalized. I led everyone inside. Deidara immediately lunged at Sasuke, who held him back with snakes. A colorful string of obscenities escaped Deidara's mouth, and my dictionary expanded quite a bit. Tip 3- Medusa and the 'Katsuki never get along well.

I'll be home most of tomorrow, so I might be acle to publish up to chapter 6 or 7. Hope you enjoy!