Time: The theater room on the Satellite Of Degenerates. Earth date: July 27, 2007.

After entering the theater room, our heroes made their way to their seats. Hunter, who'd led them in, took the seat farthest from the aisle. Sean sat next to him, and Bret sat next to Sean. Shawn took the seat on Bret's other side.

Nobody had said a word once they'd entered the theater and no one wanted to say anything now. And so…

The post began.

5…4…3…2…1

Hello. How ya'll doin today?

Sean: That's not Marie.

Bret: Not unless she suddenly developed a Southern accent.

I'm Bobby.

Sean: A male writer…that's new.

Bret: But it's not any less frightening.

Shawn: (singing to the tune of My Bonnie Went Over The Ocean) Dear Bobby went into the ocean/ Dear Bobby went into the sea/ Dear Bobby went into the ocean/ Dear Bobby is now a drownee. (once he's done singing, he realizes that everyone, including Hunter, is looking at him with concerned expressions) I'm angry, what do you expect?

I need to talk to someone. Someone who will listen.

Sean: Try a priest.

I can't tell my friends.

Shawn: Something tells me that if he's writing this to us that he doesn't have any friends.

Hunter: Or he has friends that he's afraid to confess things to because he fears that they won't understand. (Shawn looks over to him)

They'd never understand.

Hunter: I knew it.

Shawn: Maybe if he'd been up front from the very beginning, he wouldn't have anything to fear.

Bret: (sighs) Overpersonalizing with the fan fic.

Sean: (to Bret) Boy, do you ever have your work cut out for you. (of course he was referring to how much work it would be keeping Shawn and Hunter from arguing)

Bret: Don't you mean we? (almost glaring at Sean) We have our work cut out for us.

Sean: (a little nervous) Yeah…we.

In my search to find someone who would listen, I came across Marie's website,

Sean: Marie has a website?

Hunter: That gives me some ideas. (he wanted to find that website and send some really nasty emails)

where I found that she was lookin for writers. Not necesarily good writers, but writers who were willin to express themselves. She promised that readers would read.

Shawn: Like we have a choice in the matter?

And I cerntly needed to express myself.

You see my friends,

Shawn: (to the screen) We're not your friends.

Bret: (to the screen) We're just your helpless victims.

not too long ago, I was took in by a girl.

Sean: Was took in? What is he, a stray animal?

Bret: Well he wasn't kidding when he said that Marie wasn't necessarily looking for good writers.

She was breathtakingly beautiful with a twinkly eye.

Sean: So does that mean her other eye was dull?

Hunter: You're asking way too many questions Kid.

Shawn: (to Hunter) He's only asked two.

Sean: (to Bret) I'm starting to feel like a kid who's stuck in the middle of his parent's arguments.

I really loved her. But I'm a restless type feller and I confess that I could be found at the bars for a few hours at least three nights a week.

Hunter: (as the author) And then I could be found in another woman's arms after the bar.

And somehow, when I wasen't lookin, she run off with a more handsome guy.

Hunter: (to the author) More handsome than you? (sarcastic) No…couldn't be. And you heaped so much attention on her too.

I tried not to let it get to me. I started goin to the bar five nights a week instead of three.

Shawn: So the fact that she left was getting to him.

Bret: At the rate he's going, his brain cells are going to leave him too.

Hunter: By the looks of it, they already have.

I thought I'd start to feel better, but I wasen't.

Shawn: Speaking from experience, alcohol doesn't solve anything.

Sean: You think this guy has a job?

Bret: Probably not.

No woman would even pay attention to me.

Sean: Another victim of the women's network.

Bret: What?

Sean: The women's network. (to Bret) You've never heard of the women's network before? (Bret shakes his head) It's the network that is centered by one woman. When a man hurts her, she spreads the word to every woman in her network, which sometimes I swear includes all the woman in the immediate area, that that man is no good.

Bret: (remembering how Julie's girlfriends would treat him after one of his many arguments with her) Um…that would explain a few things.

Hunter: The truth comes out.

Bret: I never said I was without faults.

So I always had to come back home…where I was alone…and that was the hardest thang for me to do.

Bret: Besides speaking proper English.

But once my brain uncurled,

Shawn: It shouldn't have been physically possible for your brain to curl in the first place.

I did get to thinkin.

Hunter: He has enough brain cells left to think?

I remembered that I was an inventin type feller.

Bret: (as the author) And right now I'm inventin a new way to write the English language.

So I tip-toed down into my celler

Shawn: (as the author) Because like my life, my cellar stairs were fallin apart and I was afraid that if I put all my weight down on the steps, they would break and I'd fall through.

and down in there, I built myself

Hunter: (as the author) Something that would end my miserable life. (as himself) Which had he done so, it would have saved us from having to read this crap.

a mechanical girl.

Shawn: (to the screen) Of course you did. (to the others) This guy needs serious help.

I'll tell exactly how I built er and what she's like.

Sean: We don't care.

Hunter: I would think you'd be interested in this Kid.

Sean: Hunter, never, no matter how much I missed Terri, would I ever build a mechanical girl to please me.

Shawn: Yeah Hunter...he'd just reprogram Serpentina.

Sean: Shawn!

Shawn: (realizing what he said) Oh God…I'm sorry Kid.

Hunter: Was that a DX reflex, Shawn?

Shawn: Absolutely not.

She was so fine. I'd built her head out of aluminum that I'd curled and welded into shape. I gave her eyes, but no eyelids. I wanted her to always stay awake and to keep her eyes only on me.

Sean: Someone's insecure.

For her neck, I used a big old thick bedspring. To this spring, I connected a chain of smaller springs to create her spine.

Shawn: (as the author) And now my bed sinks and doesn't bounce back.

To that coiled backbone, I welded on arms. I'd built each of her arms out of two pieces of iron, which I joined together with a door hinge, which served as the elbow joint. At the ends of each arm, I then welded on iron hands

Hunter: All I can think of is that he would get an awful irony taste in his mouth when he kissed those arms.

Sean: All I can think of is how cold her hands would be when she touched him.

Then, I moved onto her hips.

Hunter: Wait, what about her...

Shawn: What about her what?

Hunter: Her…(puts his hands on his chest) you know…I thought that's what made a woman a woman.

Shawn: Guess he's not a breast man. Not all men are, Hunter.

I made her hips out of aluminum. The hips were connected together by a wire, which I had threaded through the last coil of the end of her spine. They really swiveled.

Bret: I guess he does have a job because he's paying for his building materials.

Sean: Or he's stealing them.

When it came time to make her legs, I originly wanted to build them out of iron. Unfortunately, I run out of iron and coulden't find anymore,

Bret: 'Originly'…'I run out'…He's just butcherin the English language.

Sean: (to Bret) Butcherin?

Bret: (cringes) His dialect is contagious.

so I ended up buildin her legs out of steel. I took two pieces of steel and joined them together with a door hinge, which served as the knee joint.

Shawn: Of course now one of the doors in his house is hanging by only one hinge.

I welded these legs to her aluminum hips. To the end of her legs, I attached two big wheels, which would make her come and go faster wherever I wanted her to come and go to.

Shawn: What he didn't think of is how much damage she would cause to his house when she couldn't stop herself.

I was in love with her the moment that I'd finished buildin her.

Sean: He hasn't said anything about a power source. How is she going to be move?

Hunter: Maybe he's just going to use her like a person uses a plastic blow up doll.

Sean: (disgusted) Eww.

And when she moved,

Sean: (irritated by the lack of explanation on how) She shouldn't be able to move.

it darn near broke my heart.

Hunter: It darn near did, but unfortunately, it didn't.

I knew that she'd be my ever loving machine.

She was always right there when I needed her. When I came home from work, she always met me at the door and wrapped her arms around me.

Shawn: (as the author) And almost squeezed the life out of me.

Hunter: If only she'd squeezed harder.

Then, she'd brung me to my favorite chair and fetched my slippers and the newspaper.

Sean: Did he build a woman or a dog?

Bret: In his mind, they are possibly one and the same.

Shawn: That's just wrong on so many levels.

After I was relaxed, she brung me my dinner, which was always warm. Even when I was late comin home, it was warm because she just kept on reheatnin it.

Hunter: Something tells me that he's late a lot and that it isn't because he's taking grammar lessons.

Bret: And one day, he comes home to find that his house has burned down.

And of course, she was easy to please.

Sean: (as the author) I just have to throw a ball around for her. Keeps her entertained for hours.

I just had to remember to feed her.

Shawn: (as the author) Of course, I forgot to do so a few times.

Sean: I wonder if there's such a thing as machine abuse.

Shawn: After this, there should be.

It hardly cost me nothin to feed her.

Bret: (as the author) Which is good because I finely lost my job.

Just some water and oil and grease.

Shawn: And on the days that he forgets to feed her, she becomes like the Tinman from the Wizard Of Oz.

And whenever I wanted her to please me or cuddle me up tight

All: (disgusted) Eww…

I'd just reach out and turn on er switch.

Sean: What switch?

Hunter: The one marked 'sex slave'.

And she never complained that I weren't rich or that I diden't buy her expensive gifts.

Hunter: (thinking about Stephanie) She's not really a woman then.

She coulden't complain. I didn't give her a mouth or a voice.

Shawn: I can see why he never told anybody about this stuff. If a women's lib group ever read this story, they'd go to his home and hang him.

Bret: I'm even surprised Marie would send this story. She seems like such a liberated woman to me.

Nor did she mind when I stayed out all night. The reason bein that I did not give her a mind.

Shawn: Can't give what you don't have to begin with.

The only inner organ I gave er was a heart, which was actully a clock that I'd wind up, so that I knew that she'd love me in time.

Sean: How do you expect her to love you in time if you don't give her any of your time?

Bret: For the last few moments, I've been wondering why he's been writing in past tense. And now, I realize why.

Shawn: (to Bret) You don't think…

We went on this way for about three months. During that time, she always did what she was sposed to.

All: But…

Right up til last evenin and then…

When I came home, I found that she'd had an affair with my toaster, which she'd programmed to never leave her.

Sean: Their love would burn on forever.

And together, they run off and upped and left me alone agin.

Sean: What did you expect?

Shawn: It's what you deserve.

And now here I am…all alone.

Hunter: Not all alone. I'm sure he has a bottle to comfort him.

Bret: If he can even afford her anymore.

I miss my ever lovin machine, but I'm done bein an inventin type feller.

I'm just done.

The End

Shawn: And now...(drawing out the word, he sang) Dear…

All: (singing to the tune of My Bonnie Went Over The Ocean) Dear Bobby went into the ocean/ Dear Bobby went into the sea/ Dear Bobby went into the ocean/ Dear Bobby is now a drownee.

Bret: Nothing like a group sing-along to bring us back together.

Hunter: Sort of.

Shawn: (not wanting to reply to Hunter) Let's get out of here.

Our heroes left their seats and headed up the aisle. They exited the theater.

End of Chapter 3

Hope you enjoyed this.

I was inspired to write this because a few weeks ago, my dad purchased Bobby Bare's CD titled Lullabyes, Legends and Lies, which was from 1973. He and I used to own it as a record when I was little, but our record player broke, so we couldn't play it anymore. So I was thrilled when my dad bought the CD.

Anyway, on this CD, are thirteen songs that are based on adult poetry written by Shel Silverstein. It's really funny and one of those songs on it was 'She's My Ever Loving Machine'. So I just based our heroes' post on those lyrics.

Thanks for reading.