Reality: Physics Doth Not Apply

Groggy…lemme sleep…

When I opened my eyes the next morning, my head was like a lead weight resisting the forces exerted by my neck and clinging tenaciously to gravity's will.

Noooo! my inner child cried noiselessly, resisting my commands. I don't wanna get up you can't make me I'll tell mommy on you!

"Oh, shut up," I snapped, only somewhat aware of the slur in my words. "You whine too much. Now kick your lazy pineal gland into gear and seize the day! We have to find a way to get home, and that ain't gonna happen if you're out of commission."

Meany.

"Oh, sure. Real mature. I'd like to see you try and fight the will of your master." At that I forced myself up, closing my eyes tightly when the world began to jig again, and opening them when the music stopped. "Stop doing that! I don't like to dance! Stop dancing! Or at least do something interesting, like break or touchdown!"

"Sheesh, you need some food," someone grumbled from the doorway. I frowned at Gojyo accusingly as he came in and handed me a pile of clothing. "Don't give me that look. Hakkai washed them for you, and the doctor changed you, not me."

"What doctor?"

"He calls himself Dr. Jin. If you ask me he's worse than I am, but hell, who am I to argue with the good doctor?" He headed back out right away. "Get changed and come to the kitchen. Everyone's up and ready to figure out what to do about you."

"Er, thanks."

He looked over his shoulder and winked through his freakishly red hair. "No problem, sweetheart."

"Stop that. It's unnerving."

He just laughed and shut the door behind him. I didn't know whether to get irritated or just leave it be. The latter was the more reasonable choice, so I picked the former. Luckily for me, however, the clothes were cleaner than I had expected, and actually had that fluffiness which only softener could afford. Ooh, he was good. I made a mental note to thank Hakkai…and smack Gojyo for being a lecher, just for good measure.

I worked the kinks out of my shoulders, stretched, then shook myself of the effects of my sugar low, and once dressed and ready I went out in search of sustenance and hygienic facilities. My teeth were furry and my face was numb, and I felt the impending doom of oily hair coming on fast. Shower time was near at hand. Must find bathroom.

"Where's the bathroom," I demanded upon entering the kitchen. Hakkai, Goku, and Gojyo greeted me fairly cheerfully (Hakkai most cheerfully, since that was his natural, albeit disturbing disposition).

Sanzo looked up, blinked tiredly behind his reading glasses and returned to his tea and paper. "It's down the hall," he mumbled past his cigarette. Someone was still tired, I could see.

"Thanks. I'll be back in a few." I staggered further down the hall and came upon an open door. Inside was a sink and a hole in the floor which could only have been the toilet. Thank the Irony Gods, they had Charmin and Colgate and a spare toothbrush in a plastic wrapping.

How? I was not about to argue.

Twenty minutes later I returned and poured myself a cup of sweet green tea with ginseng. "So, what's the plan?" I asked as I took a seat between Goku and Hakkai—I didn't want to sit next to Gojyo or Sanzo. They were iffy at best for the moment. Maybe later.

"Well, you're still here, so I guess we should do something to fix that," Sanzo murmured distractedly. Apparently the daily news was absolutely engrossing for a monk of his standing. I was convinced that he had some serious issues to work out. Maybe the doctor could do some head shrinking before we moved on.

"Why do you say that as though my presence is a leaky faucet? And how do you propose we do that? Do you have a time-space-dimensional travel device that you've been hiding for the past day and a half?" I demanded blandly.

"No, but I do know that your presence is hampering our traveling arrangements. There are only four seats in the jeep, and I refuse to sit in the back again…and no, you're not a leaky faucet—you're a flat tire."

Flat tire? The nerve of that…that…purple-eyed, straw-haired, smoke-scented poopie-face!

Ahhh…that was lame…

Sorry, muttered my inner child.

"This is about riding shotgun?" I demanded in disbelief once the voice decided to go back to sleep and give things over to REASON. "I'm stuck in the wrong universe, and all you can say is that I'm hampering travel arrangements?" I set my cup down a little heavily. "You're quite the bastard sometimes, aren't you?"

"Well, I certainly don't know who my parents are, so fine, I'm a bastard. The point is, you shouldn't be here, and for all we know it's causing problems that we can't see from our end of it."

"You don't have any ideas though, do you?"

"Hmm…" His face went blank and he stared off over the paper, apparently at the empty air behind me. Without a response, he returned to the periodical.

"Sanzo!" Gojyo shouted shrilly. "You said we would come up with something today! We have to help this nice young lady get home, so that she will be eternally grateful to us!"

"Shut up, you perverted kappa. She won't be doing any favors for your tired ass," he replied in a low, irritated tone. The vein in his forehead reappeared in classic anime fashion and throbbed as he restrained the urge to beat him senseless with the paper fan he had in his hands even now.

"Okay, okay! No need to get the fan out!" Gojyo withdrew from the conversation in general and concentrated on his sweet bean bun. In fact, a huge mound of sweet bean buns sat in the middle of the table. Goku had maybe ten on his plate at that moment.

Without bothering to ask, I grabbed two and wolfed them down quickly, amazed at my newfound anatomy. Somehow I could stretch my jaws as wide as my head to devour my food, and instantly return them to normal size. I am snake woman, I chuckled to myself. Fear my expansive jaws, weaklings! I FEED! With that last I chomped another bun and giggled. "Whoo, this is fun."

"Hey, Sanzo," Goku mumbled, absentmindedly gnawing on his own bun, "do you even understand half th' stuff she says? She's using all them big words an' I don't get th' whole thing about time and dimensions 'n' whatever."

"Honestly? I'm a Sanzo priest, not a goddamn scientist. I don't speak her gibberish." He turned the page and tapped his cigarette into the ash tray, then resumed. "Hakkai, what's your take on all this?"

"I truly don't have any idea, either. I've never seen anything like this before. For all we know, there may not be a way to send her back."

They all turned to stare at me scarfing down another bun. Sweat drops appeared in unison. "Damn, you serious?" Gojyo murmured. "I'm starting to have doubts. She's cute, but she's not a normal girl."

I chugged the rest of my tea and pointed a finger at him. "Don't you dare complain, pinky. I sure as shish kebab didn't ask to be transported here."

"Pinky?" He seemed confused, and looked at a lock of his hair in uncertainty. His antennae twitched. "It's red, not pink. What are you talking about?"

"Well, you sure as hell ain't 'The Brain'. 'Sides, I wasn't the one who colored the cells pink. Take it up with the animators. You're just in denial. Also, I long ago came to the conclusion that any girl below the age of forty in an anime is physically incapable of being ugly, so the cute thing has no standing, kappa."

"Wha—?"

"Don't. Even. Bother," Sanzo commanded from behind the paper.

"Meowww!" All eyes turned to the floor beside Sanzo's chair to see the cat scratching at his leg insistently. Without looking up, he reached around the paper, grabbed the pitcher of cream, and poured it in the saucer on the floor. Then he took a bun and set it beside the saucer. He didn't move from behind the paper even once. The cat mewed thankfully and licked his hand as he set down the bun, then began to eat greedily.

We four bystanders looked at each other silently, decided unanimously that it wasn't worth risking our lives, and resumed eating and discussing my situation.

"Well, if you can't find a way to send me back, I'm not leaving you. I know for a fact that this is probably the safest place for me."

"Even with Gojyo acting like himself all th' time?" asked Goku, another bun halfway shoved into his mouth. Now how he was capable of speaking through a bun, I had yet to discern, but before actually processing his words I contemplated this fascinating ability. There had to be multidimensional aspects to it. Physics certainly didn't have that strong a presence in this world—Gojyo's antennae had managed to stay standing through it all, despite the fact that there was no possible way his hair was that stiff.

Maybe he used gel on it? Hairspray? Super glue? Or maybe just Elmer's Glue, like how people did Liberty Spikes at school while the dean's back was turned…

"I can handle it," I replied at length. Analyze the laws of physics later. No point in confusing yourself now.

"She did hit Sanzo without consequence," Hakkai pointed out in amusement. "Perhaps there is potential."

"Can you fight?" Goku inquired. This time there was no bun in the way.

I remembered an incident involving a spork and the neighborhood bully. Yeah, Mom and Dad hadn't enjoyed paying other people's hospital bills at all. And I hadn't enjoyed living through a slot in my door for three months.

Blood only likes to come out in cold water. Good advice that destroys incriminating evidence in a pinch.

"Does psychotic rage count as a fighting technique?" I asked once I finished remembering.

All eyes turned to Sanzo once more, and I noticed a slight tension when he realized that we were looking at him. However, he didn't acknowledge us, and Gojyo responded after a thought, "Actually, I think it does."

"Well, then gimme a spork and you have an official fifth wheel. It's flat, though, so don't expect a first-degree black belt in Karate or Ju Jitsu or Kenpo or Mudwrestling—or anything else you can think of. It only works when the crazy is given free reign."

The kappa decided that it was safer if he only responded to the first part of my drabble. "I don't know what the hell a spork is, but how 'bout one of these?" He held his empty hand out to his side and his shakujou materialized with a flash.

"No weapons at the table," Sanzo commanded, raising his hand and aiming the gun at Gojyo's head. He clicked the hammer back threateningly.

"You-you're one t-to talk!" he stammered, making the weapon vanish forthwith.

The gun lowered. "The master is allowed to carry a weapon wherever he pleases."

"I think I'd rather use a sword," I mused once things settled down. "Or maybe a scythe. I like scythes...and knives, but they have to be really light. The heavy stuff just doesn't cut it for me." Hee-hee. Brain made funny. Knife no cut. Heeeee!

For a second I wished that my whole brain would go unconscious again and let stomach take over for a while. Viscera were sensible, rather than stupid.

"We'll go shopping later and see what we can find then," Hakkai offered. "Aoki is famous for its markets, as well as its hot springs. Later, you should try the hot spring out back, Lydia. You must want a bath after yesterday's ordeal."

"Really? GOOOOOOAL!" I threw my hands into the air, but refrained from pulling my shirt over my head because Gojyo was a perv. "I knew an English kid once who obsessed over 'football', okay?" I snapped when everyone gave me looks which clearly wondered where all my screws had gone.

"Anyway, do they sell takoyaki?" Goku asked desperately, the first to recover from my side effects. "I haven't had any for weeks!"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Goku, please understand that octopi do not grow in sand dunes. They're ocean-dwelling creatures. We'd need to be near at least a river or a lake for us to get decent takoyaki here. Unless whoever ships the Mountain Dew ships that too." Uh-oh. Another migraine was peeking over the horizon. Back, savage! Back ye scurvy cur! I got up, invaded the cooler, and found another soda packed with my best friend: caffeine.

"You shouldn't drink so much of that stuff," Gojyo advised. "It can't be good for you."

"You shouldn't get drunk before noon," I shot back.

"What about Hakkai? He's drinking sake! All I've got is a beer."

"Hakkai's tolerance to alcohol is obscenely high. He can drink all he wants before noon, buddy." I popped the can open and sipped slowly. "Ahh, sweet sugary deliciousness."

"Okay, enough sitting around," Sanzo sighed finally. "Let's go while it's still early. There won't be as many tourists if we're lucky, and we'll get first pick of the weapons…I wouldn't be doing this at all if it weren't going on the gold card, though." He emptied the rest of the pitcher in the cat's saucer and set out another bun, and then slipped the sleeves of his robe on to wear it the way it was supposed to be worn. "No lagging! Let's go!" he snapped when everybody just stared at him, wondering whether or not he was actually doing something kind for once.

I chuckled, glanced at the door, and shot through it at breakneck speed, shouting, "Shotguuuuuuun!"

"What? I'm the one with the gun, you fucking midget!"

I heard feet chasing after me, but nobody catches me on a sugar high! "Onward! To the market!"

For the record, I rode shotgun.

Hakkai is really nice.

(Author's note)

I like bunnies. They smell freaky, but I like to pet them and watch them hop around. I also like kitties, but I'm a little allergic, which is a shame because I'm more likely to own a kitty than a bunny. Also, I've got a bone to pick with the Japanese and their weird toilet facilities. How the tar does a person use a hole in the floor as a toilet? There's nowhere to sit! I feel so insecure using them. And I've had far too much caffeine today, which explains why chapters 3 and 4 are a bit rambling. I wrote both in one day. Whooo!

…And why the crap did ADV drop "Saiyuki: Reload"? I want David Matranga back, dammit! Greg! Illich! Braden! WHY? (By the way, loved Matranga in "Orphen". At least ADV didn't drop that one before season 2.)