The following takes place between 6am and 8am...
So I decided to add a nice jump as I reached the door. I did it so gracefully, and landed as quietly as a cat. Not a loud cat, mind you, because I imagine fat cats would be loud. I was as quiet as a nice skinny cat. But never mind. If you question my use of simile I will kick your ass and shoot you in the head! DAMN IT!
So I threw open the door, not with grace this time, more like with hard-core ass kickingness, and pointed my gun straight at the intruder.
It turned out to be a girl scout. So I quickly clicked the safety clip off and aimed it a little lower.
"What the hell do you want at…" I had to check my watch because even Jack Bauer loses track of time, but don't tell anyone that, "…6am?"
The girl pissed herself, dropped the box she was holding and ran in the other direction. I think she was crying, but I couldn't tell over all the screaming she was doing.
Stupid kids. They really need to start training them young. When I was a boy, I didn't cry unless no one was looking.
My fish died. Big deal?
Someone stole my cookie. I beat them up.
Injure my hand punching the criminal in the face. Suck it up.
That's how kids should be today. Let me tell you, there'd be a lot more respect being shown if it were. But I'll save that rant for another day.
I watched the little girl running for a moment and laughed inwardly, until I noticed the box she dropped which provoked a scream from within.
Stumbling back I ran behind the couch and poked my head over to spy on it from a safe distance. It wasn't ticking, and whatever it was it smelled good; but you can never be too careful. Especially when your name is Jack Bauer. Let's face it, I'm THAT important that everyone wants a piece of me; a piece of Bauer action.
So I grabbed my phone, which just magically appeared within a reasonable distance, and dialed my 'peeps'.
I let it ring twice, and then I started to get impatient. That fat guy answered, and boy did I let him have it. That guy should be renamed Rodney. He looks like a Rodney. What is his name anyway? Earl? Arnold? Pffft, he's not important enough. Besides, he cries over stupid things, like his mother dying. Who cries over that? Moron.
So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the phone rang and the fat guy answered. So I was all, "This is Jack Bauer!"
"I know who it is. I have caller ID."
Damn it, that fat smart ass.
"I don't have time for this! Damn it! I have a situation!"
"A situation?"
"Yes! As in a combination of circumstances at any given moment; a state of affairs. Damn it, if you don't understand English by now why are you working at CTU?"
And then it hit me. He doesn't understand English because he was sent from China to infiltrate CTU. DAMN IT! I can't believe they're still pissed over me killing their consulate! That was so, like, yesterday!
"Jack?"
It was then that I realized I had ignored the traitor on the other end of the phone, so quickly snapping my thoughts back into line (Because I'm Jack Bauer! So I'm as sharp as a sharp thing) I pulled my 'angry face'. A face that's so much better than the one that guy pulled in Zoolander. What was that look anyway? Blue steal or something? Meh, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you know how cool I am, damn it!
"I'm on to you, Earl!" I shouted down the phone, pointing aggressively to drive my purpose home.
"For the last time, Jack, my name is Edgar!" He was so trying to change the subject
"What-ev-er." I retorted, "Just watch your back, fat boy!"
And then I slammed down the phone. Although I couldn't, because it was my mobile, so I more like slammed it shut.
07:59:60 –
I grab my neat-o green jacket and the bag that ensures my very survival. No seriously, it does. If I leave the house without it I will DIE!
I've got to get down to CTU and fast!
Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. 08:00:00