SPOILERS

.

SPOILERS

.

SPOILERS

.a/n: This is a goofy riff on Smokin' 17. I think even if you haven't read it yet it will makes sense, of sorts. I'll put a few notes at the end to explain a little , that way it won't be a spoiler, much.

BUT: POSSIBLE SPOILERS for SMOKIN' SEVENTEEN. if you care, pls don't read!

Standard fanfic disclaimer apply

The Woman in the Silver Jeep/ Sue

.

Early July 2011. Trenton NJ

[Ranger]

After the Scrog fiasco you'd think I'd have gotten smarter. More aware of my surroundings so to speak.

Okay maybe I was distracted by Stephanie and the vordo thing. (Thank you, Bella, bless you, Bella).

No, not Twilight Bella, Morelli's crazed Grandma Bella.

The vordo effects had me so bemused I don't think I'd have noticed if my Cayenne blew up right under my ass. I mean...Steph? in that alley? In the 911? Even I broke into a sweat with that move.

So today Tank and I are rolling down Stark Street, eyes open for a hint of Nick Alpha or the freed fighting roosters.

"Cocks," says Tank, or Hank as he is currently known. ''We're looking for cocks?"

We both freeze a little and a silence plays out. Then I say, "Let's go with roosters, man."

''Ten four, boss.''

I am listening to Tank/ Hank - though really, what all does he say? - and looking for our quarries but mostly I am watching my rearview mirrors, eyeing a woman in a silver Jeep who seems to be following us. Me. She's tailing me? She pulls up behind my Cayenne at the corner of Stark and Hamilton. The Jeep has tinted windows but I can see she is Caucasian, of no particular age. Messy ponytail and bangs, dark glasses. Bare shoulders. I now realize I've seen her around all week and I am pretty sure her shoulders seem bare because she is wearing only a miniscule red-white-and blue bikini.

Wonder Woman on drugs?

I am sure I saw her yesterday. And the day before. My nerves tighten, I am rapidly moving toward high alert.

The light changes and we roll. I pull forward and try to get her license plate number. Battered licence plate holders that say "Respect the Beach" and "SurfRider Foundation" obscure the details but I am deciding it is an older white and navy NY plate when Tank speaks up. "You hungry, boss?''

I ignore him. He waits a beat then, "So, when do we eat, man? That health food place you like is just around the corner on Mercer, if you make a left..."

Instead I pull a fast right on a yellow, onto Parker. I'm not fast enough and the silver jeep follows.

"Shit."

"Wha...?" mumbles Tank. (Hank?)

I go around the block then back down Stark, pull into Cluck in the Bucket.

Tank cringes a little. He's not as careful as I am but he doesn't usually eat grease-soaked chicken parts either.

I say to him, "You're hungry? How about failure for lunch?"

"Wha...?"

"With a side order of unemployment! You're getting fat and lazy, man, too much desk time," I hiss.

"Fat?" Tank looks down at his admirable eight pack abs and muscular thighs. Not an ounce of fat, the guy is just huge.

I grab his shoulder. "Look." I point discreetly. "We've been tailed all week by that woman in that jeep and you never noticed."

"I noticed. But, well, you know. Women follow you around all the time, boss."

That is so not true.

I glare. "Go in and order something. Anything. Maybe she'll follow you."

"Why me?

"Just do it!"

Tank heaves a sigh and gets out. The jeep which was idling a few spaces behind us pulls into a parking slot. The woman gets out. Yes, it's her! She is, as always, dressed in the bikini that appears to made from an American flag. With the bikini she is wearing ratty old UGGs, very surfer girl. She is walking hunched over a little, rubbing the backs of her thighs. They must have been stuck to the Jeep's black leather seats.

I move fast and cut her off, looming up from the back fender of my Porsche. Her head jerks up and she stares. She's frozen, maybe three feet away from me. She's tall but I am much bigger and I stand over her menacingly. I say, "You again! You're tailing me? Why?"

Her mouth opens, no words come out.

"What do I have to do, get a restraining order?"

Finally she stutters, "Oh! Omigod, you're real."

?

"Oooh. You did the eyebrow twitch. Awesome."

"Who the hell are you?"

"Oh My God. You're so hot, you really are. You're beautiful. Wow."

"Who the fuck are you!"

"Oh! Oh, I am like such a fan. You know? I'm Suzy, my name is Suzy...well, it's Susan Jones but you don't need to know that!...And, um, well, I was on the beach a couple days ago, just reading your latest, well, her latest, but there you were! And here you are!"

"What?"

"Oh, wow. The new book? I got it on my Kindle! And! Well. Good for you. That is all I have to say about that! And well I wish it was me not Stephanie but..."

"What's up, boss? I got the chicken breast nuggets extra crispy...Who's this?" Tank has returned.

I shrug. "No clue." I add in Spanish,"Esta mujer está fucking loca."

The woman was still babbling. "You know, every June I get so hopeful. Oh sure after Nine, which was fucking awful - you're not in it so it's not your fault! Well I stopped reading! Like totally. But then I got Eleven at a yard sale and totally reconnected. Read Ten. Your place sounds awesome, but, uh - no underwear, what's with that? Doesn't your ass get cold in the winter? And what about...? Oh nevermind!"

Tank and I stare at her.

"And I am not fucking crazy, geez. I'm from New York, I know that much Spanish, cutie."

"Boss...," mumbles Tank, who is pretty sure I don't like being called cutie.

The woman is in her zone though, rambling on, "Then Twelve..." She heaves a big sigh; her boobs almost pop out of the bikini top which has one blue and white stars boob and one red and white stripe boob. Butt cheeks are similarly defined. Maybe the worst bikini I have ever seen. And that is hard because a pretty girl in a tiny swimsuit should be good.

"...So anyway, I like never give up. I guess I never will. As long as she doesn't rehire Alex to do the writing, Janet can copy and paste, use ghostwriters, whatever. But the legend is forever.''

"Uh, okay." Tank and I start to back away.

"Look!" she says suddenly. She pulls her bikini bottoms away and exposes her hip. Enclosed in a red heart tattoo with roses and shit, in black swirly writing it says, "One Ranger is All You'll ever Need."

Tank shudders. He tugs on my arm (not my gun hand/ arm, but still...), whispers, "Carlos! Let's go, my lunch is getting cold."

I shake my head. "Lady. You're mistaken. I'm not..." I wave a hand at her ass cheek.

She smiles at me.

I add, ''Give up. Go home.''

Her face falls. She nods sadly. "I'll go home but I'll never stop hoping."

Tank and I hit the road. Fast.

the end

SPOILER NOTES: At one point Ranger says ''I'll tell HANK'' when I think he means ''Tank'', lol. JE forgot Tank! who is not in the book at all! Sigh. I love Tank.

Nick Alpha is a bad man who runs cockfighting games.

Vordo has an effect on Stephanie, quite OOC, in my opinion, but - a good thing?

Suzy is me, yes, it's a mary sue fic of sorts. (a mary sue fic is when a fanfiction writer inserts herself into the story). I do NOT have a Ranger tattoo. No! I don't. Reeally. This isn't exactly a Ranger's women short but I thought it fit in. sort of? enjoy!