A/N: After three terrible days of no updates, chappie 4 is finally here!
Secondly: From now on, whenever I say "fish paste" in the author's comments, it will mean "I do not own Mario or anything else in this fanfic, they are all copyrighted to their respective owners," because I'm a lazy bastard like that. Fish paste!
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Chapter 2: The Not-so-obvious Mystery of Dry Dry Ruins
It was late in the afternoon, and Mario, Goombario, Kooper, and Bombette had just returned to Toad Town from Koopa Bros. Fortress. A few minutes upon re-entering the town, Twink once again landed on Mario's head. After Kooper and Bombette mistook the small Star Kid for a bug, the bloody and mangled Twink informed them that Mamar, the second of the Star Spirits, was being held in Dry Dry Ruins. He also threatened Kooper and Bombette by saying that he knew where they lived, but that's not the point right now!
The gang said bye to Twink and ran over to the southern part of Toad Town to get on the train headed to Mt. Rugged. However, there was a slight problem with the train track when they got there…
"Hey y'all, c'you help us wit' a li'l somth'n over 'ere?" said a train passenger to Mario and co. "Right 'bout now we in more trouble'n a Star Spirit in the clutches of a bad guy. See dem large rocks on that there track? We can't git this here train t'move if them rocks are in the way! C'you help us some, Mario?"
"Huh?" said Bombette, looking dumbly at the Southern-accented Toad.
"Right 'bout now we in more trouble'n a Star Spirit in the clutches of a bad guy. See dem large rocks on that there track? We can't git this here train t'move if them rocks are in the way! C'you help us some, Mario?"
"Again, huh?" said Bombette, still not understanding the Toad through his thick accent.
"Right 'bout now we in more trouble'n a Star Spirit in the clutches of a bad guy. See dem large rocks on that there track? We can't git this here train t'move if them rocks are in the way! C'you help us some, Mario?"
"Alright, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US?!" Bombette yelled.
"Right 'bout now we in more trouble'n a—" Bombette finally lost her short temper and blew the Toad up. However, thanks to the amazing power of video games, the Toad simply burned to a crisp and turned back to normal a few seconds later. "Yeesh, y'all're more insane'n the King o' Koopas wit' a fancy glowin' thingy like the Star Rod!" the Toad cried frightfully, running off.
"You sure showed him, my little slice of pumpkin pie!" said Kooper gleefully to Bombette.
Bombette turned to Kooper and gave him an annoyed death glare. "Don't you start too," she growled.
"Mario!" yelled the train conductor. "We gotta git this 'ere train up an' runnin' 'fore nigh'fall! Jus' blow up that there rock an' we can get this thing goin' faster'n your Koopa friend on that pink Bob-omb in bed t'night!"
Bombette scowled at the happily grinning Kooper again, then at the conductor. She sighed. "…All right, stand back," she said, and blew up the large rock blocking the railroad. The four adventurers got on the train and proceeded to ride through the countryside to Mt. Rugged.
On the way there, Goombario said to Kooper, "Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!" squealed Kooper joyfully.
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?" said Goombario again.
"Repeat!" said Kooper again.
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
"Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out; who was left?"
"Repeat!"
…And it went on like this for countless hours, until Bombette literally yelled herself hoarse at Kooper, threatening to remove his manhood permanently if he didn't shut the hell up. The same went with Goombario. Also, on the way to Mt. Rugged, the conductor continued to talk to Mario nonstop in his rapid Southern accent about his first job as a janitor in '84.
"...Hah hah hah! Boy, you shoulda seen 'ow many zits I 'ad in '84, Mario!" the conductor said happily as Mario picked his nose, not caring about the conductor's talking at all. "A 16-year-ol' janitor in 1984…Good times, good times," the conductor said, mellowing out his cheerful tone. "Ah! We're 'ere, folks! Scenic Mt. Rugged!" The train pulled up to a train stop in the entrance to a strange mountain with the heads of four Mushroom Kingdom rulers carved into the front. Mario and the crew got out, said goodbye to the conductor, and left the train station as soon as possible. After walking up the first hill, Mario bumped into an oddly familiar face.
The Paratroopa Mario walked into had his back turned and was looking for something. The Paratroopa had been saying, "Shoot, where did it go?" before he hit Mario. After he got back up, Mario said to the nervous-sounding Paratroopa, "Okay bub, just what is it that you want? Take whichever one of my friends you want, but you better leave poor old me alone!"
"Oh, so sorry for bumping into you, sir!" said the Paratroopa in a very tense tone of voice. "Wait a sec...You're Mario, right? The guy at one of my mail stops? The guy who's brother always threatens to kill me every morning?"
"Yeah, that's me," said Mario, making a sigh of relief. "What's up, Parakarry?"
"I've been having the absolute WORST day of my life!" cried Parakarry, beginning to cry. "My boss hates me, I lost more letters around the kingdom than usual today, and this fat orange cat at one of my mail stops is making my life a living hell!"
Mario began to comfort him uneasily, cradling him and patting his back firmly as he wept. "That's okay…Yeah, let it all out…Everything will be fine…" After Parakarry made a nice large burp from Mario patting his back, he wiped his eyes and got serious.
"Mario," he began, "I need you to do me a favor."
"Let's get this over with," Mario said in annoyance. "Oral, right?"
Bombette looked at Mario angrily. "That joke is gonna get so old after a while," she said to him.
"Your MOM is going to get so old after a while!" Goombario yelled, laughing hysterically. Everyone around Goombario then looked at him strangely, and he quickly noticed, looking around uneasily and shutting his mouth.
"Like I was saying," Parakarry said, taking a deep breath, "I need you to do me a favor. I lost three extremely important letters around this mountain, and I want you to find them for me."
"Are you always this clumsy, dude?" said Kooper, raising his eyebrows.
"Eh," Parakarry shrugged, "not really. Normally I just drop random letters around the Mushroom Kingdom for shits and giggles to annoy my boss, but this time I've seriously lost three of 'em."
"Fine, I'll get them, your majesty," Mario said in a tone of mock sincerity.
"Thanks, servant!" Parakarry said, his smile widening. "You have really made my day!"
"No problem," said Mario, walking off. "Wait a minute…WHAT?"
---
Mt. Rugged
Mario eventually retrieved two of Parakarry's lost letters, but the third was slightly more difficult to find. Bombette then saw it at the bottom of the rock platform they were now standing on.
"Oh, HELL NO!" Mario yelled. "Do you really think I'm going to jump off of here to get some stupid letter? Pfft!"
Bombette grinned devilishly. "I suppose you just need a push," she said with glee. So naturally, she threw Mario off the platform and he landed right next to the letter. He picked it up, dusted his bloody, bruised self off, and shook his fist at Bombette. "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS SOMEDAY, YOU WHORE! MARK MY WORDS!"
---
Mt. Rugged Entrance
"Well, we got all the letters back," said Mario, tossing them all at Parakarry. "Now what?"
"Now I join your party, of course!" said Parakarry, delighted with getting the letters back.
"Party? Ooooh boy! I haven't been to a party in ages!" cried Kooper.
"Not that kind of party, shit-for-brains," grumbled Bombette. "A 'party' is your group of partners in an RPG."
"You're even hotter when you're angry at me," Kooper said in a stupid, mushy voice as he did that creepy eyes-turning-into-hearts thing again.
"Why don't we actually let Parakarry join the group already?" Goombario said, desperately trying to change the subject before Bombette took Kooper out of the picture.
PARAKARRY JOINED YOUR PARTY!! NOW HE CAN LIFT YOU OVER MODERATELY LARGE GAPS SINCE MARIO IS TOO MUCH OF A LAZY ASS TO USE HIS LONG JUMP FROM SUPER MARIO 64!
"Neato!" said Parakarry.
And so, the gang of five made it past the enemies of Mt. Rugged, including Clefts, which Mario got so pissed off at because he didn't have D-Down Pound equipped and just kept throwing tantrums that killed everything in sight.
By the time they made it to the bridge, our heroes were definitely looking positive about saving the second Star Spirit. That is, until a large buzzard swooped down and pecked at them all furiously. However, he stopped at Bombette and said, "Hey baby, the name's Buzzar. King Bowser ordered me to look out fer some fat mustachioed plumber in blue overalls and a red shirt and cap named Mario, but I suppose I could take some time out and get us some time to kill at Podley's!"
"BASTARD!" screamed Kooper. "SHE'S MINE!" He used furious karate action on Buzzar unexpectedly and knocked him into the bottomless abyss below the bridge.
"Goodness, that was quick," said Goombario. "Or maybe it's because the author doesn't feel like typing up a long, tedious battle sequence?"
"Meh, I don't care," said Mario, shrugging. The five heroes moved on to the perilous Dry Dry Desert.
---
Dry Dry Desert
The gang entered the desert, and the air suddenly became exponentially hot.
"Whoo! It's pretty hot out here," said Bombette, sweating furiously.
"Pretty hot?" said Parakarry in disbelief. "Dear God, you look like you had a hot flash gone horribly wrong. Here, I've got a hanky…"
"Ahoy, old chaps!" said a middle-aged, energetic-looking Koopa with a hardhat and a mustache in an archaeologist outfit, rushing over to Mario and co. "The name is Kolorado, and I presume you are Mario, old boy?"
Mario nodded slowly.
Kooper looked as if Bombette had agreed to have sex with him. His eyes widened greatly and his jaw dropped, and he stuttered, "K-K-K-K-Kolo—Kol—KOLORADO??!!" He gave a high fangirl-ish squeal and fainted.
"Salutations, Kooper, my energetic and admiring young neighbor!" Kolorado said, tipping his hat to the blue-shelled Koopa, now out cold.
"Wait…You're the next-door neighbor of this loser?" said Bombette in confusion. "A great explorer like you?"
"Yes, young lassie, that is quite right!" said Kolorado. "I am indeed the neighbor of this adventurous loser, although I have not been home in many moons…" He sighed. "My wife gets so lonely and irritated when I leave for long periods of time..."
"What?" said Mario, who had again been picking his nose with absolutely no thought.
"—Nevermind," blurted Kolorado. "Listen, young fellows, me and my trusted aides are digging up this whole desert to find the Dry Dry Ruins, and we haven't found anything!"
"Hey, what a coincidence!" yelled Kooper, who had just gotten back up. "We were also looking for the Dry—OH MY GOD, PROFESSOR KOLORADO!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" He fainted again.
"We're looking for the Dry Dry Ruins too," said Bombette. "I'm sure there has to be a way to find it."
"Well, tell me if you do find a way," said Kolorado. "I'm going to go drink beer and watch football on the crew's portable TV. Later, chaps!" He walked into the tent.
Mario and crew progressed through the desert, battling monsters such as Pokeys, which the author enjoyed making Goombario attack for the sake of seeing him bleeding in pain, and Bandits, who attempted to rob everything of theirs from Mario's cap to Bombette, which Kooper prevented by literally tearing apart the Bandit that tried doing so. The crew finally stopped at a large, beautiful oasis for a quick water break, an HP and FP refill, and—DUN DUN DUUUUUN!—A Super Block!
As soon as the partners laid eyes on the blue, shining Super Block, they suddenly broke into a bloody fistfight, tearing each other apart and trying to get to the block first. Eventually, Mario broke up the battle, and it was decided that the bloody-nosed Kooper would get the upgrade. The team moved on to the town of Dry Dry Outpost.
---
Dry Dry Outpost
The crew of five entered yet another dry dry area in the region as they set foot in the outpost village. Citizens were thriving everywhere, there were small wagons lining the sidewalks selling goods, and Insurance Salesman Goombas already began annoying the hell out of Mario.
Parakarry looked suspiciously at a green cloaked Nomadimouse that ran out of the nearby item shop to the next area of town, and began following it like Kooper would follow Bombette's ass.
"Hey, where'd Mail Boy go?" asked Kooper as he looked around and noticed that Parakarry was nowhere to be found.
"Where do you think? He obviously went to Dream Land to find Kirby," said Bombette, rolling her eyes.
"Now how are we going to find a taxi to Dream Land at this hour?!" yelled Kooper irritably.
"GOOD LORD, I WASN'T BEING SERIOUS, DIPSHIT!!!" screamed Bombette to Kooper. He just did that thing with his eyes again.
"Let's get out of here," mumbled Goombario, once again looking for an opportunity to change the subject before things got ugly between his two friends.
"I want a speaking role right now too," whined Mario.
The four "friends" walked to the next section of Dry Dry Outpost and noticed a convenient secret passage next to a building. They went through, and saw a sorceress in a purple robe who looked similar to Merlon putting on a magic show.
"Greetings, friends! Why don't we make amends?" said the young sorceress. "My name is Merlee, as you can see—" she jabbed her finger at a name tag on her chest that said "Hello, my name is Merlee". "I'm the most wonderful lesbian sorceress around, I'll grant any spell with one leap and a bound!" she said joyfully. "Well, care to take a chance? Care to see my beautiful cards dance?"
"Ha ha ha, I get it," chuckled Mario, handing 50 coins to Merlee. "Alright, how many hours for 50 coins?"
"I assure you, fat pervert, that is not what I want…Uh…Look! The author is now typing in Comic Sans font!" said Merlee, struggling to rhyme her sentences. "I am not at all a prostitute, that is not me, but I do have the hots for my cousin Merluvlee! Alas, she is straight, unfortunate for me. She does not have the hots for me as well, but she will one day, you'll see!"
"Wait…Merluvlee?" said Goombario. "Isn't Merluvlee Merlon's granddaughter, the one at Shooting Star Summit? And why on earth do you have the hots for your cousin?"
"That is a long, long story, I'll tell you that. But that is not the point right now, is it, Mr. Fat?" She turned back to Mario.
"No, I guess not," mumbled Mario. "So yeah, did I just pay 50 coins to sit around and talk about how you're as straight as a circle, or did I pay 50 coins for you to curse me with something oddly helpful? Lay it on me, babe!"
Merlee smiled. "I will surely lay on you whatever spell you'd like, for I am an excellently skilled magical dyke!"
Mario chose the Special Course, the longest-lasting spell Merlee had to offer, was cursed with it, and left the alley, coming back to the hunt for Parakarry.
"That was certainly the oddest thing that's happened so far on this insane quest," said Goombario, his eyes wide.
"Yep, no doubt," said Mario.
The two rejoined with Bombette and Kooper and found Parakarry arguing with the green cloaked Nomadimouse from earlier next to an abandoned house.
"SCREW YOU, PAL!" yelled Parakarry. "IT DEFINITELY TAKES THREE LICKS TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP!"
"I'M TELLING YOU, GUY, IT TAKES EXACTLY 247.5 LICKS! NOW SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF MY FACE!" yelled the Nomadimouse right back at him.
Mario pushed Parakarry aside. "The debate is now over, morons," growled Mario. "You!" he said, pointing to the Nomadimouse, "Do you have any idea where Dry Dry Ruins is located?"
"Well…" said the mouse, "I might, if you give me a lemon."
"The fuck?" said Parakarry. "How will a lemon help?"
"It just will, okay?" said the Nomadimouse. "On a completely useless side note, my name is Sheek the Squeek. Pleased to meet you, nice guys." He stretched out his small paw, and Mario reluctantly shook it. "NOW GET ME THAT LEMON, BITCH!" Sheek barked.
Mario and co. then had to go on a slightly annoying backtrack quest to the oasis to grab a lemon from the tree there. They headed back to Dry Dry Outpost and gave the lemon to Sheek. Sheek just looked angrily at the lemon, and threw it at the head of a passing Nomadimouse.
"Not that kind of lemon, you dopes!" shouted Sheek. "I want a Paper Mario lemon fanfic! Go get me one, NOW!"
Mario groaned angrily, stormed off to the outpost café, went to and printed out the most erotic Paper Mario fic he could find. He stormed right back over to Sheek and threw the paper at him.
Sheek began reading the lemon for a while. "Yes…OH! OH YEAH!" he yelled. "Yeeeeah, that's the stuff!! Oh yeah, work it, Vivian! Work it!"
"Who the hell is Vivian?" asked Bombette.
"Oh! Uh…" said Sheek. "Classified information from the next Paper Mario game! Okay, off with you!" He kindly shooed the five heroes away.
"But you said you would give us info on the Dry Dry Ruins!" said Mario in impatience.
"Mmm…Alrighty then," mumbled Sheek. He set the fic down on the ground, and threw the cloak off of his body.
"EEEEK!" screamed Kooper.
"AAAAAAAAAH!" yelled Bombette.
"HOLY COW!" screamed Parakarry.
"MAMA MIA!" shouted Mario.
"Relax, guys," Goombario said, "he doesn't have visible genitalia, sheesh."
"The chocolate chip is right. You guys can look," said Sheek. "Anyway…My name is not really Sheek! I am actually Moustafa, a legendary descendant of one of the builders of Dry Dry Ruins!"
Mario and co. stared at him for quite a long time. "Who?" said Parakarry.
Moustafa looked very angrily at Parakarry. "Anyway, to get to the ruins, you need this pink stone," he said. Moustafa then handed a pink stone, of course, to Mario. "This is the legendary Pulse Stone!"
"Never heard of it," mumbled Parakarry.
Moustafa gritted his teeth with fury, and said to Mario, "Good luck, nice guy. I do hope you find the Star Spirit imprisoned in the ruins, and that you save this nice, nice world…Now PISS OFF!" He shoved the five heroes right out of the screen and went back to reading his precious VivianX fanfic.
---
Dry Dry Desert
"What an asshole," Parakarry said. "He practically shoved us off the screen! I mean, really!"
Mario eventually found the area in the desert where the Pulse Stone had to be placed, and stepped back in awe as the Dry Dry Ruins rose high before him, darkening the very sky with its awesome awesomeness of awesome awesometude.
The heroes awkwardly stepped inside the ruins after refilling their stats, and as soon as they did, an evil, shrill cry filled the empty room.
"OoOoOooOOOOoooohhh…WhoOOo dAARes defile My cryyypt of awwwWWesomMMeNesssssss?...Tuuuuurn bAccck, beEEEfore youu sufffffer a crUELLLLLL FAttttttEEE…Oh, and Mom, if this is you, the casserole is in the kitchen. Tutankoopa out!" The sound of an intercom turning off then filled the air, followed by silence.
"Alright, that was really weird and stupid," said Mario.
"Who are we kidding?" muttered Goombario. "Everything in this crazy adventure so far is weird and stupid."
After our brave adventurers survived several perils of the Dry Dry Ruins, including Mummy Pokies (that the author still enjoys forcing Goombario to attack), rushing sand, Mummy Insurance Salesman Goombas, more rushing sand, several Indiana Jones clichés, and even more freaking rushing sand, they finally entered the last chamber, where three colored stones were placed on pedestals in front of stone slots on the other side of the room. Oh, and they got a metal hammer called the Super Hammer or something like that.
The eery voice entered the room again. "OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoisayooohwaytoomuchOoOoOoOthischapterisgettingpretttylongoOOOOOoooOOOOO!!!!! SoOOo, you made it this far after all! Let's see if you can place these stones in the right order, and you may as well be able to fight me. Tutankoopa out!" The voice stopped, and Jeopardy theme music began playing.
"Shoot, what order do these stones go in?!" Parakarry yelled. "Oh no, we won't do it correctly! WE'RE GOING TO DIE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO FREAKING DIIIIIIIIE!!!!"
Kooper slapped Parakarry, then said something quite random: "Red, Green, Blue."
Okay, an obvious answer to the order the stones went in, but still random nonetheless.
Mario placed the stones in order in the stone slots just as the Jeopardy music ended: The Diamond Stone on the far left, the Triangle Thingy Stone in the center, and the Lunar Stone on the far right. A door slid open slowly, and after refilling their stats and listening to a stream of furious profanity blaring out of the intercom, the five adventurers went inside the final chamber.
The room was completely dark, leaving Mario and his partners with no surprise. An Egyptian pharaoh hat thingy slowly materialized before them, along with an old, grumpy looking Koopa in a pharaoh outfit.
He began to rasp in the same eery voice as before, "OoOoooOOOOh!! I see you have braved the ruins without a scratch! I will fix that! OOOOOOOOH—Oh, for the love of…What am I doing? I'm Tutankoopa, the mighty Koopa sorcerer! Not some common ghost! I will destroy you nicely!"
---
!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 20 FP: 20
Bombette
Goombario
Parakarry
Kooper
VS.
Tutankoopa HP: 30
"Bring it, pal!" said Parakarry.
"Oh, I'll certainly 'bring' it, buddy!" yelled Tutankoopa.
Mario uses Power Bounce. Does 5 damage to Tutankoopa.
Parakarry uses Shell Shot. Does 5 damage to Tutankoopa.
"What the--? I'm down to 20 HP already? Alright, now I'm annoyed!" Tutankoopa shouted. He did an odd attack where he sang out a high note in a high, crackling voice, causing debris to fall.
Multiple debris hits Mario and Parakarry. Does 10 damage to both.
"Wha?!" cried Mario. "Oh, NOW you're going to pay!"
Mario uses Hammer Throw. Does 3 damage to Tutankoopa.
Goombario uses Headbonk. Does 2 damage to Tutankoopa.
"Ugh…" mumbled Tutankoopa. "Well, since half my HP is gone, I suppose this is the part where I really start to kick your ass and say something cheesy like 'Now I mean business! MUAHAHAHAHA!'."
"Pretty much," said Bombette.
"Okay…" Tutankoopa said, then suddenly called out, "CHOMPYYYY! GET IN HERE!"
A menacing Chain Chomp jumped through a door that slid open under the platform Tutankoopa was on, and then gazed dumbly at Mario, slobbering all over the dungeon floor.
"Damn it, Chompy! I just washed that floor!" yelled Tutankoopa. "Try actually eating them up like I commanded you to!"
Chompy stared at its evil owner, rolled over, and began licking its crotch.
Tutankoopa cursed under his breath, then resumed the fight.
Tutankoopa HP: 15
Chompy HP: 8 DEF: 2 (Too busy licking his crotch for 3 turns)
Mario uses Power Jump on Chompy. Does 2 damage.
Kooper uses Shell Toss on Chompy. Does 0 damage.
"Dumbass," mumbled Bombette.
Tutankoopa used his weird cracking voice attack again, except this time it hit him, doing 2 damage and knocking him down to the floor.
"Even more of a dumbass," Bombette mumbled again.
"HMM?! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" screamed Tutankoopa. "I WILL NOW DISPOSE OF YOU…FOR GOOD!!!"
Mario hammers Tutankoopa. Does 4 damage.
Bombette uses Bomb on Tutankoopa. Does 5 damage.
"Ooogh…" moaned Tutankoopa, "I WILL NOT be defeated! KILL THEM NOW, CHOMPY!"
Chompy looked at its owner yet again with the same idiotic stare, drooling wildly on the floor. It then hopped up to Tutankoopa and started wildly humping his leg.
"DAMN IT! GET OFF, STUPID BEAST!" Tutankoopa cried shrilly. "Oh, why doesn't anything ever go as I plan it to?"
Parakarry uses Shell Shot on the distracted Tutankoopa. Does 5 damage.
Tutankoopa yelled, and was cut short as a large hunk of debris hit him on the head and knocked him out cold. Merlee's spell randomly kicked in and doubled the amount of Star Points Mario earned and…yeah.
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
---
Tutankoopa slowly got back up, a giant lump forming on his cranium. He turned over to Chompy, who was furious that Tutankoopa was knocked out and therefore interrupted its furious leg-humping session.
"Uh…E-Easy now, Chompy!" Tutankoopa stuttered. "C'mere, you…"
Chompy didn't listen, and simply chased its terrible owner out of the ruins.
A playing card containing Mamar the Star Spirit then floated down to Mario. He grabbed it, the flashy sequence, yeah, yeah, yeah, END OF CHAPTER!!!
---
Peach's Castle
"So, Kammy…" said Bowser in a cheerful tone, "has Tutankoopa killed off that pesky plumber Mario yet?"
"Afraid not, sir," Kammy said with intense nervousness in her voice. "He was defeated as badly as the Koopa Bros. and the Goomba King."
Bowser's happy mood ended abruptly. "WHAT?!" he screamed so loud that the castle actually shook. "I PAID HIM 200 COINS TO BE DEFEATED BY THAT FAT DISGRACE TO ITALY AND HIS ANNOYING BUDDIES?!"
"Basically, yes," muttered Kammy.
"This is just perfect…" Bowser said in exasperation. "Well…I suppose that there's no hope for Skolar, that Star Spirit being held captive by Tubba Blubba."
"The Invincible Tubba Blubba, sir!" said Kammy with sudden glee in her voice. "There's no possible way Mario could defeat an invincible person!"
Bowser snorted. "No, you think?" he said with oddly joyful sarcasm.
"Nope, Your Gleefulness," said Kammy.
Just then, a Koopatrol, one of Bowser's Koopa castle guards, ran into Bowser's room, huffing for breath. "Kammy Koopa! Urgent news, sir! I mean, ma'am! I mean, sir! I mean, ma'sir! I mean, ma-"
"Spit it out already," said Bowser. The Koopatrol whispered into Kammy's ear and took off.
"Uh, Lord Bowser…Skolar has just escaped from Tubba Blubba's Castle."
"GAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bowser screamed. "SAY WHAT?!"
"I'm sorry, Your Really Pissiness, but it's true," she said, hanging her head sadly.
"Damn right I'm pissed!" shouted Bowser, and he stormed off into the hallway, throwing a tantrum remarkably similar to Mario's.
MEANWHILE…
"Good news, Princess!" cried Twink, who had just entered Princess Peach's room. "I overheard from that ugly worm in the purple cloak that the third honorable Star Spirit escaped from the castle of some guy named Tubba Blubbabutt or something."
"Well, that's actually quite a good thing," said Peach. Twink explained more to her, and although she was overjoyed that Mario rescued the second Star Spirit, she was also shocked to hear that Tubba Blubba was apparently invincible, and hoped Mario didn't cross paths with him anytime soon. Besides, he still owed her 50 coins from Monday night.
"If Mario does fight Tubba Blubba…" said Peach as she shivered violently, "…we'll need to find a possible weak point of his, I suppose."
"Shit, more sneaking around," thought Twink.
"What was that?" asked Peach.
Twink looked oddly at her. "Did you just read my mind?"
"Never mind that, let's go," said Peach. "And I didn't know you slept with a stuffed teddy bear named Bob! Hee hee, that's adorable!"
"CURSE YOU AND YOUR ESP!" cried Twink as Peach went through the secret passage and to the library to see if there was any useful information on a creature named Tubba Blubba.
Peach quietly snuck around corners, peeping through bookshelves to find any useful books, also trying to avoid getting seen by guards, who for some stupid reason could only possibly see in the direction they were going.
She thumbed through the books. "Hmm…'Know Your Shy Guys', no...'Famous Mushroom Kingdom Recipes', no…'A History of Yoshi's Island', no…'Green Eggs and Ham', no…'100 Positions For 100 Nights', no…" she whispered to Twink. "Darn it, there's nothing here about Tubba Blubba."
However, Peach's ear then caught a conversation going on at the end of the library. She used super secret stealth tactics to get behind a bookshelf as cheesy Mission: Impossible music played, of course, out of nowhere. On the other side of the bookshelf, a Hammer Bros. and a Koopatrol were sharing an interesting conversation…
The Hammer Bros. said, "And I was all like, 'Oh no you didn't!', and he was all like, 'Oh yes I did!', and I was all like, 'Oh no you didn't!', and he was all like, 'Oh yes I did!', and I was all like, 'Oh no you didn't!', and he was all like, 'Oh yes I did!'—"
"Uh, yeah, yeah, that's wonderful," said the Koopatrol carelessly. "Hey Milfred, ever heard of the Invincible Tubba Blubba?"
"I sure have heard of him!" said Milfred loudly. "I met him before!"
"Shhh! Be quiet, this is a library!" whispered the Koopatrol fiercely.
"…Yyyyeah," said Milfred the Hammer Bros. "Anyways, rumor has it that he lives in Gusty Gulch near Forever Forest, and he gobbles up Boos for breakfast, brunch, lunch, snacks, linner, dinner, dinsert, dessert, and midnight snacks!"
"Ooooh, stop scaring me!" said the Koopatrol. "Now I won't be able to go to the bathroom at night alone…"
"Don't worry," said Milfred, "I can take you. And I really don't mind, uh, watching you in there…You know, just to make sure you're safe." He grinned.
The Koopatrol raised an eyebrow. "You are really weird, you know…" he muttered.
Milfred continued talking. "And I also hear that there's a secret of his, involving his invincibility, that would absolutely ruin him if anyone found out. They say the guide to the secret is somewhere in his castle…"
The Koopatrol now looked around nervously. "Uh, can we go to sleep now? I'm…um…tired. Yeah, tired." He uttered a false yawn that even a brainless monkey would know wasn't real.
"Tired, huh? I totally think that yawn was real," said Milfred.
Wow.
Milfred then said, "I'll take you to bed, then. I have to brush my teeth first, though, so I won't get in until around a few minutes later."
"Excuse me?" said the Koopatrol.
"Nothing," said Milfred quickly.
The Hammer Bros. and the Koopatrol began to walk toward the bookcase, and yet as Twink hid, Peach just stood there like a dumb broad to increase the tension. She bumped right into Milfred, and he looked at her, shocked.
"Uh, Princess! Helloooo? You're, like, totally supposed to be in your room! Now, like, shoo! Me and Mikey have some 'work' to do tonight!" Milfred waved his hand at Peach in a strangely feminine way, and walked away with Michael the Koopatrol.
Peach shrugged and walked back to her room, once again conveniently getting the information she needed before she was caught.
---
Dry Dry Desert
"Oh, thank you so much, Mario!" Mamar said joyfully. Mario and co. were outside the Dry Dry Ruins with the second Star Spirit now, and were saying their goodbyes to Mamar.
"No problem, Ma'am!" said Parakarry in a very formal gentlemanly tone.
Mario learned some cheap Star move called "Lullaby" which the author never really uses, and she drifted off to Star Haven to join Eldstar in waiting for the other five spirits.
Bombette, Kooper, Goombario, Parakarry, and Mario then triumphantly strode—or in Parakarry's case, flew—back to the Mt. Rugged Train Station.
The conductor greeted them with a joyous smile. "Hey there, folks!" he said. "Just git back on this 'ere train an' I'll take y'all back to Toad Town faster'n that blue-shelled Koopa on that—"
"Don't even start with that shit again," mumbled Bombette irritably as the train rode off into the sunset.
---
A/N: Joy, another chapter ending with the heroes riding into the sunset! And so, our favorite five adventurers traveled to the great Mt. Rugged, met the amazing lesbian sorceress Merlee and the lemon fanfic-loving Moustafa the Nomadimouse, uncovered Dry Dry Ruins, defeated the wizard Tutankoopa and his brain-dead pet Chain Chomp, and are now off to rescue five more Star Spirits in several more annoyingly long chapters!
Off you go to review, now!