Hey guys, sorry for taking so long to write this. Thanks for all of your input and support.
On the Relationships in this story: Leah and Bucky won out (you guys are very convincing), and because of that I decided to make a kinda AU instead of focusing on Age of Ultron or Civil War, which would kinda cloud my objectivity where Mr. Cpt. America and Bucky's friendship and the total fuckload that Tony Stark had to suffer would come in and detract from the relationship that I'm trying to build. Don't worry, though, the lovely Beauty Eclipsed gave me the idea to do a separate Tony/Leah story in the future.
~~my completely irrelevant commentary on Steve/Leah (Input you didn't ask for, Lol) ~~~
Leah/Steve- A guest mentioned that he/she liked this relationship while another said he/she would like for it to be in the story. I'm sorry to say that I don't think I could ever write this pairing as of right now or ever (though the ever may change if my muse deems it so). While I can admit to reading Steve Rogers stories (what some authors do with him in the character development department is awesome), I personally believe that Steve Rogers is too stuck in the past to ever be compatible with my vision of Leah—to a certain extent she is stuck in the past but she seems to move forward better than he does. Sure life is different from when he went into the ice but he still gets to be the similar/same position of power (in charge of a team—that he 'died' with, which doesn't bode well for progress in any form or fashion. And on top of that Civil War kinda fucked up my perception of him to write a good in character (well as in character from what I've seen in the movies) version of him or do him any justice as the lead character in one of my stories, so I'm not going to touch that with a ten-foot pole at the moment (I'll stick to him being a small side character, but hey, again that may change in the future). But if you do need a fix of Steve/Leah, I think there is a story on about them, if you haven't read it of course. It's called "Blank Space."
Hopefully that unneeded ramble of an author's note made sense to those of you who read. Onwards, to the chapter!
~Kurenai Cakes
The Songs of the Day: "Last Hope" Paramore &"Stone" Alessia Cara feat Sebastian Kole
Beginning Quote of the Day: My family is my strength and my weakness. ~Aishwarya Rai Bachchan
Chapter 4: Solace
With Leah and the James
They're sitting on the floor underneath the window again. It's he off day and he doesn't have to leave, so they enjoy the music that plays. And she's singing again.
"I don't even know myself at all…I thought I would be happy but now…"
Her voice blends in with the original singers creating a harmony that he didn't think was possible. But the words strike a chord in him also, the past that Bucky had lived and dreamed in. When he was younger, he'd always dreamed of being married and having a family. And if that had happened as he'd planned; if he'd retuned from war as he was supposed to, he'd probably be an old man, nearly on his deathbed, that had been married for over thirty years, had kids, grandkids, and maybe even great-grandkids. He had thought that he'd have a smile of his face for years and pictures to match. Instead, he was a man forced out of time, a shell of what he once was.
And she grabs his hand when she begins to sing about a spark that grows. His eyes turn to her and she keeps singing. She grips his hand tighter. How could she not, his eyes are watering? Taking the hand that isn't holding his, she reaches for his face. He flinches and his other, much colder hand, the one that shines in the light, grasps hers.
She pauses her singing and says, "You're crying."
His brow furrows, and let's go of her hands to wipe his face. He reaches for the phone just as the song ends. He pulls up the translator
"Вы когда-нибудь хотели повернуть время вспять?" (Have you ever wanted to turn back time?)
It takes a second for her to read the words and she can't help the small, rueful smile that appears on her face. "Of course I do. Who doesn't have a thousand regrets?"
He replies with, " Иногда мне жаль, что я был другим человеком, кто достоин жизни свободной от боли и жертвы." (Sometimes I wish that I was a different man, someone worthy of a life free of pain and sacrifice.)
She read and her smile becomes less sad. "Me too."
"Я рад, что встретил тебя." (I am glad I met you.)
She reads and her smile brightens again "Me too."
.
.
With The James
For some reason, he feels up for this. He doesn't know why. It had been weeks since he'd done this, since he'd promised himself that he wouldn't do this anymore. But none the less he's sitting on a bench. It's been about twenty minutes, but his wait isn't in vain as a man in a blue plaid shirt and jeans with a blue baseball hat sits next to him.
"Hey, Buck." The man greets.
The James tries not to flinch at the name, but he doesn't know if he succeeds so he tries to recover quickly with a "Hi"
As he did before, he uses English for the other man's comfort.
"How have you been?" Steve asks, his blue eyes looking straight into James'.
"I've been content." Steve's tilts his head slightly at the answer James gave. So James tries to clarify. "I met a girl."
James can't help the smile that appears on her face.
"That's good."
"She makes me feel human."
The James enjoys her company. She's so warm, oh so very warm, and he had been cold for so long. It made him happy to bask in the warmth that she provided. He'd found himself letting his guard down. Many a morning since their late night music routine began, The James found himself waking with her head on his shoulder, and instead of retreating, he found himself pulling her closer.
He seeks her out every night—well that's nothing new, but instead of watching her from afar, he sits beside her as her equal. It's been so long since he'd felt close to another. Sure the Cap—Steve— he remembers some of their time together in the past. But the James was very different than Bucky. And with Leah, he didn't have to second guess his existence in the now. He was the James, with Bucky as his past and the blood staining his bones from his time as the Asset isn't as noticeable.
"You are human." The other man says simply.
Simple, like everything in life is just simple. Nothing in life, especially his life had been simple. Memories rage in his mind. He remembers his hand around necks. He remembers his finger pulling trigger. He remembers, and those memories are anything but simple. Neither are the inhuman emotions that are attached to the actions.
It makes his head hurt; his hands go to his head.
Steve reaches for him and he flinches away.
The James bristles. "Don't you dare. You don't know…all of the blood and damage that the…I caused. I've been tainted, and with her I can focus," he pauses to catch his breath. Why does it feel like he's run a marathon? "I can pretend that I'm just a normal guy, that I'm not a monster that terrorized the world for years without any control over my actions. With her, my name is James. My name is James."
And when the James is done, he feels raw and open and he regrets his decision to come here. "I have to go," he rasps.
Steve nods. "I'm glad you came today, James."
The James nods and he's off again. He practically runs away.
.
.
.
In Leah's Apartment
With Leah
She doesn't know why she picks up the phone, especially after the conversation she had with her mother not too long ago, but she does. She forgoes pleasantries though. "Seth."
He does too. "I miss you."
And that makes her want to cry. His voice sounds so innocent, reminding her of the little boy who used to sneak into her room when it rained and stormed outside. She wants so badly to be able to say she missed him too, but she doesn't want to lie. He doesn't deserve the lies. To be completely honest, she hasn't missed her home or the people there. To be completely fair, though, she hasn't enjoyed herself in her travels or the people she encountered along the way (with one exception of course). She wasn't even excited about being in the Big Apple. The one good thing was about being here is that she found an appreciation for music and comfort.
Music had become a lifeline. She found time to listen to it all of the time. She listened to old school music that she remembered her dad listening to (Jamie liked listening to those). She crooned along to sad songs for some reason (Jamie always got a small, sad little smile when she sang). She cried to Luther Vandross's "Dance with My Father" (Jamie wrapped his arms around her). She bobbed her head to rock music (he did too).
Comfort only comes when the James, Jamie as she likes to call him in her head, is with her. He just sits quietly as they get lost in music. She knows he has his own demons. When he falls asleep on her shoulder, he mumbles and grumbles. But she doesn't press. She doesn't want to talk and it wouldn't be fair to force him to either. So she just saps up all of the company he offers when he is near.
She hasn't missed home, or anyone at home. And she doesn't want to lie so she just replies with "I'm in New York City." It's a shameless change of topic but she doesn't care.
And neither does Seth apparently because he just replies with a happy, "The Big Apple, huh. You been to Times Square yet?"
"No."
"You should go, you know. And take pictures. I've always wanted to go. I wish you would have said something. Maybe I could have come with you or something. We could've painted the town red and had some fun."
"Yeah," she whispers back, her voice weak in comparison to his enthusiasm.
The line goes silent for a few seconds and the silence eats at her. That's why she listens to music all of the time. It allows the numb feeling that always lingered to come back full force. And t makes up for it, she decides to speak, to say something, anything.
"I jumped off a building." The words tumble out of her mouth, and like vomit they leave a bitter taste.
'Why did I say that?'
And for some reason the silence that she interrupted picked back up again, though was it really silence if she could hear him breathing? So she tried to compensate and tell him everything was okay—was that even the word that described her? "But it's okay. It's okay. I didn't die." 'Jamie…saved me'.
"I'm sorry. Seth, but I'm gonna get better, I promise. I'm gonna get better so I can come home, and I'll be happy. And then we can come to New York City together and paint the town like you said." She's babbling like it makes a difference. It doesn't.
She hears telltale sounds of sniffling on the other end of the line.
'Please don't cry.' She wants to say, but he speaks first.
"Did I break you?" She wants to laugh. The question seems so childish, so innocent and so Seth. He has rose colored glasses that brightens up anything that he encounters. And to think that she was the reason for his sniffles—she doesn't remember him crying since her dad's funeral, though she can't exactly say that she's seen him/heard from all that much recently to know if that had changed.
"No…I'm not broken." She cringes at the shakiness of her voice, but she has to reassure him that this wasn't her fault. "I just need some time to work somethings out. I couldn't do it at home. Everyone was so happy… You. Mom. Jake. Everyone. And whatever is happening to me, whatever is wrong with me—I couldn't drag you into to it. I didn't belong in your happiness and I couldn't drag any of you down, especially you."
She means it. Ever since she her mom had brought him home less than a decade ago, Leah knew that her little brother would always hold a special part of her heart. His happiness had come before her own, and even with all the shit that was happening to her, that didn't change.
"Being here wasn't good for you. That's why Carlisle helped you." It's not a question, and Leah wishes that she didn't hear a silent 'with me' in the words. Despite their differences that had come from them growing older and into two independent beings, they had always been there for each other, though to be honest that had changed a little within the last few years or so.
"No, I'm sorry." She can't help apologizing, she can't help it. "And yeah he did. Tell him I said thank you again, okay?
"I will." He pauses again for a second. He releases a huge sigh before he speaks again. "You need help."
She should feel insulted, but she can't be. He's right, though. She does. "I just want to be happy." It's the same thing that she said to her mother, and she meant it. She means it.
"It'll happen okay? You'll get better and find happiness. It'll happen."
She had been dry-eyed throughout the entire conversation, but these words are what got to her. It was everything that she wanted her mother to day to her when they'd talked before. It reminded her of the things her father used to say to her as a child.
She mumbles an "I'll call you sometime…later."
And when the call is disconnected, she crumbles. She curls up on the floor, phone in her hand.
.
.
.
(please set the mood by listening to Alessia Cara's song "Stone")
With The James
After making sure he isn't being followed, he makes his way back to her. And he's damn near hyperventilating. His conversation with Steve is playing in his mind over and over again. With it comes more memories of his time as The Asset.
His mind and heart scream for solace, comfort and since he'd been free he'd only found that in one place. It's not long before he's at her window. And it seems like the heavy feeling weighing on his heart dissipates. She's on the floor, lying down, and with his enhanced hearing he hears her sobs. The window closed, but he pries it open easily.
As soon as it's open, he finds his place beside her. He's overstepping his bounds, but with her he feels freer. He lies down behind her, wrapping his arm around her waist.
With Leah
When the arm's wraps around her waist, she feels somewhat comforted. She scoots closer to him. She stares at the wall for a moment.
"Jamie, I wish life didn't hurt so much."
His arm tightens around her waist, and she takes it as a silent 'Me too.'
Like always, they turn on music.
It's song that she hasn't heard ever. The girl sings about the world being uncertain and needing a stone. Leah couldn't help but desire for Jamie to be her stone. She doesn't know if she'll get better like she promised Seth earlier. But she wants to, and she wants him to be by her side as she does. She desires to have a friend, a partner, someone to rely on as she tried to get better. And she wants to be there for him and help him through whatever he was going through. It's probably unfair to want something so certain, to ask so much of him, in her world of unknown but as a wise man or woman said somewhere a long time ago that 'The heart wants…' and her heart decided that she wants this, him to be beside her as he is now.
At some point, she finds herself facing him, looking straight into those blue-grey eyes and she finds herself gravitating more into his personal space until their lips were touching. And for the first time in a long time, she feels like it's the best thing she could've done.
When his mouth moves against hers, she finds that she doesn't regret it.
Ending Quote of the Day: Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational. ~Hugh Mackay
Okay guys, I can honestly say that I don't know what the hell I just wrote or if it's any good. I wanted to show their relationship, but I don't know if I moved to too fast or not.
Tell me what you think. I tried a new way to display the translations (still from Google, let me know if they're terrible) at the request of DoDo1401, so tell me if they detract from the story or look weird. I didn't really proofread so let me know if the mistakes are too plentiful to bear. Let me know if I should rewrite.
Thank you for reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing.
~Kurenai Cakes