Chapter Four: Uso Mitai Na I Love You (Hikaru Utada)

A/N: Spoilers for chapter 58 and beyond. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Riza wondered what had come first: the attraction or the dedication.

Surely they came separately, and more likely the dedication first. She would've disillusioned herself of this whole attraction business. If she'd been attracted first, she would've noticed that when she had become dedicated and likely would not be where she was.

She had always been one to rationalize things, but joining forces with Roy Mustang had been something she had never really been able to rationalize.

Of course, there was the obvious attempt to atone, the need for a better life, and somebody had to make sure that Roy didn't get himself killed, but why was that person her?

They'd never been particularly close when he was her father's student, but then, Roy was there solely for the alchemy. The presence of a teenage girl had been a minor distraction at best.

Then, she'd decided that he was worthy to see the secret. Just what had made her believe that, though? He was little more than a boy, not yet experienced in the ways of the world, and yet, she had made the decision to show him.

He was noble enough, she supposed. His goals were true and valiant. He really believed that he could do something about the state of things. Somehow, he'd managed to convince her of this, too. He had convinced her so much that she was willing to give her life up and follow him through hell to make his dream come true, even if it meant her own demise at the hands of the enemy.

Sure, she had wanted the same thing he had wanted before they had met, and knew that something had to be done, but back then, she did not believe that anyone out there was crazy enough to try. They hadn't been too badly off. She had gone to school and knew how to act around people and could cook and do housework. She wasn't knocked up at fourteen with the father already the next town over without a care in the world. Not that she would have let that happen, of course, but the point was, things could have been so much worse.

She didn't follow him off of a blind attraction, either, she knew that. They had kissed several times, but it meant nothing, just a childish crush that would fade with time. Maybe a little bit of loneliness, maybe some curiosity, and an undeniable spark of attraction, but wasn't that normal for a teenager?

So just what had made her choose him?

"It doesn't have to be one or the other," Gracia had told her when Riza had posed that question. "It can be a mix. You were attracted to him, but you also saw something worth fighting for, or you wouldn't have stayed. You saw the potential to do great things, and you still see that."

Not having had overly much in the way of female company growing up, Riza had appreciated the perspective, but didn't know whether or not to trust it. She guessed she just had to trust her own intuition and experience.

She had thought about it plenty. Yes, there was definite attraction. It had stuck around all this time, through the years of separation and then being driven up the wall when they actually could see each other. It was maddening, but somehow, that little spark had managed to firmly root itself in her.

And yet, it was so much more. While she longed to tell him exactly what she felt, and to be told in return, that wasn't where it ended. She really did see the man who wanted the country to change for the better. He wanted people to stop killing each other because of trivial differences and disagreements. He wanted people to be able to have a good life with a full family, not a life of sorrow and a family torn apart by war. He wanted people to be able to say what they wanted without fear that the government would retaliate. He wanted people to experience peace. He wanted them to be secure. He wanted them to love.

She had a feeling that he knew what she was working for, knew that while she wanted what he wanted, there was that selfish part that wanted something more. To his credit, he did a good job of making sure that that part stayed in check, sometimes at his expense.

He had told her off more than once, when he felt things were starting to show a little too much. The first time, he'd been harsher than necessary. The result was that she wouldn't talk to him for days on end, which then rebounded on him because she wasn't talking to him then. It drove him absolutely crazy, but, truth be told, he would have it no other way. One way or another, he'd told her, they'd make it to the top. They'd achieve their dreams. All of them. They'd be together, and nothing would stop them.

Of course, Riza had to wonder when either of them took stupid risks. If they wanted to be around to see this end, what was the point of going out there, knowing they had less than favorable odds of survival? And wouldn't some of those same risks be around after? You can't make everyone happy at once, can you?

And what about their crimes? Even saving a nation, if you could call it that, wouldn't make up for Ishbal. It was a start, and they would do everything in their power to make sure that it continued to happen before things went south for them. After all, it could be said that, like everyone else, even if they were helping others, they were really doing this all for their own gains.

Riza was as uncertain as ever of the future. Every soldier was. But she had the chance to make things right for herself, and she was going to take it.

A/N: In the middle of writing this one, I realized that I haven't yet written a piece for a certain song that fits perfectly the central theme of this collection. If anyone can guess it, or has already, you will or should feel very proud of yourself come next chapter!

Please review! Even if I have things planned out, I haven't posted them yet! I can change stuff if need be! Just tell me and I'll change it!