The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy

By Juliet Norrington

Wow- I'm back! Finally! XD Sorry this one took so long, my laptop's in the shop and I wasn't really sure how I wanted to write this chapter. The first draft was just weird… O.o Anyway, I hope you enjoy it XD

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

Leigh sat bolt upright, her pillow held high over her head. She blinked, set down the pillow and covered her ears with her hands. A loud, deep bell-like clanging was emitting from the clock near the ceiling on the other wall. Around her, the other members of her dorm were waking up in their own, particular, fashion.

"Where's the fire?" Black Rose mumbled, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"What fire?" Skybright Daye asked, jumping to her feet and brandishing her sword.

"There ain't one," Issy said, yawning. "How do we turn it off?"

"You got me," Leigh said, stretching and beginning to morning yoga routine. All of a sudden, the clanging stopped.

"That worked," Black Rose said with a shrug. Charlie Adams muttered something incoherent and rolled over.

"Aye! Avast!" Skybright Daye said, poking the lump in bed with her sword.

"It's too early for this kind of stuff." Charlie Adams grumbled, but sat up and pushed back the covers.

Leigh glanced at the clock and began to change into her uniform, "I hate skirts," she grumbled as she pulled on the long back robe.

"Why?" Charlie Adams asked.

"I was always told never trust a man who worships the ground you walk on because he's probably just trying to look up your skirt." Issy supplied, and the room burst into giggles.

"That's about right," Leigh said, walking over to her desk. "What classes do I have today?" she mused, glancing at her schedule. She grabbed the appropriate books and tossed them into her book bag.

"Out of curiosity, what classes do you have today?" Issy asked.

"'An Introduction to Fanfiction', and 'Basic Sleuthing Techniques'," Leigh read, and brightened, "one with Holmes!"

"I have 'An Introduction' first too!" Issy said happily. "Watson!"

Leigh shook her head sadly, and started to leave. Black Rose joined her, and on the way down the stairs, they ran into Skye-chan and Guinevere Sparrow in the middle of a fierce debate;

"Holmes is the hottest!" Skye-chan said, folding her arms across her chest.

"Mycroft!"

"Holmes!"

"Nona!"

"Holmes!"

"Watson!"

Leigh bit her lip and edged slowly past them. She followed the signs down the stairs, and into the Dining Hall, a huge, brightly-lit room filled to the brim with tables, chairs, students, staff, and servants. The floor was made of a hard, brown tile, and the walls were painted a dark tan. Small glass and wood lamps were scattered randomly over the walls and tables. There were two staff tables and quite a lot of student tables. Most of the staff sat up at the large oak table at the top of the room, but the Irregulars and mini-hounds had a table to themselves. There were four ceiling to floor windows on the eastward wall, and a large banner reading "Love Reviewers, Hate Mary-Sue-er's" hung over the staff table.

Leigh sat down between Lli and ShadowPirate at one of the student tables and goggled around at the Hall.

"What will you have for breakfast, miss?" a maid asked, walking up.

"Oh- I'll have a fried egg and toast. I guess. With coffee. Lots of coffee."

Leigh replied. The maid nodded, and pulled a plate off the tray she had been wheeling behind her.

"Enjoy." She said with a rather mischievous grin as she set down two mugs of coffee. Leigh soon found why- both eggs and toast were cold, and the coffee was two-day-old lukewarm glop. Still, it was better than nothing.

Chronos Keeper, Felix, Kelskier15, and KID were sitting huddled together at one of the corners of the tables, whispering and occasionally glancing up at the staff table.

Silver Yuy was wrapping a handmade Holmes plushie, with another one sitting beside her orange juice. Across from her, Settiai was explaining something to Rose and Alex McKyle.

Up at the staff table, Miss Juliet sat, flanked by Professor Hare and a woman with long brown hair wearing a black and red uniform. The rest of the Canon crowd sat around them. Nona Brown, Mary Russell, and Irene Adler were fighting over an suspiciously familiar-looking Holmes plushie, Holmes was hiding behind one of the Violets, and Watson and Mrs. Hudson were looking on is amused silence. Leigh giggled and turned back to her plate. Pulling her schedule out of her bag, she propped it up next to a glass of orange juice she stole from someone, but before she had a chance to study it Miss Juliet got to her feet.

"Attention, may I have your attention?" There was silence. "Thank you. Now, most of you met Professor Hare and Professor Brown," she motioned to the bunny-woman and young woman sitting beside her "and, since you have of course read the books, the rest of the Canonicals, but you may not yet know Kate O'Riley, Head of Grammar Security."

She motioned to the woman in the red and black uniform. "And she has kindly agreed to lend us her maze from Survivor: Voyager. Fear her. Now, will those of you who have tried to sneak into the Staff Section, or send the Canonicals love letters, or tried to bribe staff members, etc. etc. etc. please report to the playing field after classes, and if you don't appear, I'm afraid I'll have to send Gimlee after you," she said, motioning to a large, fiery beast walking up and roaring. There was a collective gasp, and a couple screams as he walked forward.

"He's a mini-Balrog from OFUM, and he's such a little thing. He can't speak, so please be nice to the darling." she said, scratching his head. "The rest of the students should report to the playing field at four o'clock sharp." She sat down.

Leigh shuddered; glad she had been too tired from running up and down the steps all yesterday to even think about trying anything like that. However, now that she mentioned it, it sounded like a good idea...

"Anybody got any aspirin?" Issy asked, walking up and pushing Lli aside to sit down next to Leigh. She looked horrible, with black and blue marks on her arms and legs, and what looked like slobber all over her.

"What happened to you?" Charlie Adams asked.

"Tried to sneak into the staff section to give Watson a chocolate-filled teddy bear." Issy said. "The mini-hounds caught me before I even got up to the last stair. They tore Pooki to shreds! He didn't stand a chance." She sniffed. "All that chocolate gone to waste!"

The table winced in unison. "I've got some cough medicine," Leigh said, pulling out a large blue bottle.

Issy contemplated for a minute, "I'm willing to try anything right now," she said, wincing as she took the bottle.

"Hey, careful with that!" Leigh said, pulling it away as Issy attempted to empty half the bottle into her cup. "It's got to last me all year y'know!"

"Why?" Cyberwolf asked.

"Long story." Leigh replied, mixing a spoonful of the syrup in with her coffee.

She drained the cup and turned to those sitting around her. "Class with Miss

Juliet starts soon, I better get going- don't want to be late." She rolled her eyes. "See you guys later."

"Later," they called as the left the emptying Hall.

It took her quite a while to find the classroom- BSFA was surprisingly larger than she that originally thought. There was one dark corridor after another, each filled with paintings, statues, busts, and other curiosities. However, after ten minutes of wandering, Leigh made it, and luckily before Watson or Miss Juliet. She slowly sank into a chair behind Kayho Foxblood and began to arrange her supplies.

Several other girls ran in moments before the bell rang, Issy among them. She took a seat next to Kayho and grinned back at Leigh, who returned it. The door opened, and Miss Juliet walked in. She nodded to the class, and walked up to the blackboard where she began to write something. Dr. Watson walked in a few moments later. His neat brown hair framed his surprisingly youthful face. His eyes were cheerful and his smile was happy. He obviously had no idea what was about to befall him. Several mini-hounds followed him in, growling at Guin Sparrow, Kayho Foxblood and Issy, who has instinctively jumped to their feet and readied to run when Watson entered the room. The three Watson Wanters sat.

"Welcome to 'An Introduction to Fanfiction'," Dr. Watson began, "In this class we will discuss general Fanfiction vocabulary, slang, concepts, creations, structure, and the like."

"Our goal," Miss Juliet said, putting down her chalk and walking over to sit on the desk next to where Watson was standing, "is to turn you slackers into a decent bunch of Fanfiction writers. Now, today we will begin with your own Fanfiction characters. Please pull out twelve pieces of paper and label each one with your name, your story's title, the name of your original character, and the date." There was a loud shuffling noise as everyone pulled out the paper and opened their inkwells.

"You are going to be taking The Sherlockian Mary Sue Litmus Test written by our very own Professor Hare. Please write down the question and the number of points you received as Miss Juliet and I read the question aloud. Miss Juliet has also kindly," Miss Juliet rolled her eyes, "written the questions on the board incase you fall behind." He paused, "Good. Let us begin. One; is the character named after you? First name, middle name, or the name you use in chatrooms. Ten points." Watson began and there followed a flurry of scribbles.

"Two; is the character's name an unusual spelling of a more common name or word? One point." Miss Juliet read and Leigh shifted uncomfortably.

"Three; is the character's name unusual in another way? A female with a male-sounding name? One point. A noun or adjective not normally used for a name? One point. Does the character have a really cool name that you wish you had? One point." Watson stumbled over the last line, unused to the slang, and Issy, Guin Sparrow, and Kayho Foxblood shouted it out for him.

"Four; is the character's name in the title of the story or is the title otherwise a description of the character? i.e. "The Girl of His Dreams". Five Points." Miss Juliet continued.

"But what if I, I mean, *she* is the girl of Watson's dreams? Then what?" Kayho

Foxblood called, jumping to her feet.

"Sit." Miss Juliet replied, fingering the sleek black crop that had before been resting in her back pocket. Kayho sat. "You then scrap that story and start over, because you know absolutely no about of editing is going to save *that* story."

"But it's the perfect title for the perfect character!" Kayho wailed.

"Shut up."

They continued, and the small knot that had developed in Leigh's stomach during question two continued to grow with every question, such as, "Fifteen; Does the character have an unusual eye color for no apparent reason? Three points. Will this be a plot point later? One point."  Finally they reached, "Twenty; is the character otherwise physically disabled? If yes, subtract two points." Miss Juliet read. Half the class, including Leigh, opened their mouths. "Anyone who says 'She's so pretty that it's like a disability because everyone hates her or wants to have sex with her' will be shot on sight." They closed them. "Is the character no longer disabled at the end of the series, or else dead? One point."

"Twenty one; is the character mentally disabled? (Meaning at the level of Forrest Gump or below.) Subtract two points." Watson looked down at the second part of number twenty one, and looked back up rather frazzled, "Does the character have any telekinetic, telepathic, or other psychic powers despite and/or because of this disability? Three points." Issy looked up at Watson and winked slowly.

Watson blushed, and ran a hand through his hair, "That is most inappropriate,

Miss Isobel!"

"No, no, I'm Issy, not Isobel," Issy pouted. Miss Juliet cleared her throat, and they continued. Over "Twenty four; was the character adopted or did he/she otherwise live with people who were not his/her parents as a child? One point." through "Twenty seven; did the character have an unusual birth or unusual experience in early infancy? i.e. abducted, placed in a basket and set afloat, visited by The Three Wise Guys, etc. One Point.", and continuing to the most important question of all "Forty one; does the character fall in love with Holmes and/or Watson? One point." Watson shifted uncomfortably, "Because *you* want to fall in love with Holmes and/or Watson? One point."

As one, Issy, Guin Sparrow, and Kayho Foxblood jumped to their feet and cried,

"Yes! Because I love you Watson!" They rushed forward, and were promptly knocked out, due to five over-zealous mini-hounds and Miss Juliet's handy-dandy crop.

"Voliet, Viggins, please take these three down to the Sick Wing." Miss Juliet said cheerfully. The two mini-hounds nodded, and padded away with the three fangirls in tow.

"As we were saying…" They went on through fourteen more questions, before

Watson finally said, "Pens down, everyone." Leigh dropped her pen in the holder, and massaged her poor cramped hand. She had never written so much at one time in her life.

"The homework for this week is to write a five-page essay on the importance of good character creation to keep from having to go through long tests like this."

Miss Juliet said, and the class groaned as they scribbled it down.

"Please give your papers to Dr. Watson as you leave, and make sure all are numbered. Dismissed." The class filled out, and Leigh managed to check

Cyberwolf's watch as he left. Eleven forty. They had been shut up in that class room for over three hours! Next was lunch, then "Basic Sleuthing Techniques" with Sherlock Holmes. She smiled dreamily to herself and wandered down the stairs to the Dining Hall.

After a hurried lunch, she raced back up the stairs to classroom 411. Ten others had already beaten her to the line of desks in the first row.

She was considering crying, when she heard a familiar voice call; "Leigh! Hey,

Leigh! Want my seat?" Seth was sitting in the seat across from Holmes's desk.

Leigh ran over and Seth shoved all his things back in his bag.

"Thank you so much," Leigh said, grinning.

"Not a problem." Seth said, and moved to a seat in the back.

Leigh settled down, amid many glares and death threats, and the class awaited the Great Detective (of Yummyness.) He arrived ten minutes later, followed by a large crowd of mini-Hounds. His pale features stood out brightly against his black hair, and the black suit he wore. His gray eyes glared at the class, and he wore a look of smug satisfaction.

"Welcome to 'Basic Sleuthing Techniques', or as some of the staff have come to call it, 'Sleuthing for Idiots'," Holmes smirked and scanned the room. There was a long gushing sound as 95% of the class let out long sighs. "Please open 'Deduction for Dummies' and turn to page three." Holmes crossed his arms and gave a long glare at anyone who so much as dared to look up.

As Holmes read, Leigh let her eyes glaze over and her ears hear nothing but his voice. She fought hard to keep the long line of drool inside her mouth, but when Holmes took off his jacket to show them something -she wasn't quite sure what- it was too much for her. Around her, many other girls seemed to be having the same problem. Holmes forcefully explained something involving a battered-looking bowler hat. His brightened eyes, messy hair, and jacketless torso, added to the amount of drool gathering on the floor.

"Did everyone follow that?" He asked, pulling on his jacket. Only then did he realize that most of his students were busy losing body fluids via their slack jaws resting on their desks. He rolled his eyes and put on an air of one who suffers much and scanned the room.

"Ah, you there," he said, spotting the only girl in the room sitting upright,

"You look lucid, what is your name?"

"J.A. Belvedere, sir," the plump girl said with a sophisticated air.

"Miss Belvedere, tell me, when staking out a suspect at the docks, what would be the appropriate costume to-" he began, but was cut off.

"Why would I be at the docks?" J.A. asked.

Holmes blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Why would I be at the docks? It seems absolutely absurd." She stared at him with utmost seriousness.

"Well, well, that's not the point. You see, this is theoretical." Holmes explained.

"Okay," she replied, "what's the case?"

"Brilliant!" Holmes cried, feeling he was getting somewhere. "Let us say that

Lady Heather was murdered and-"

"Oh no!" J.A. interrupted, a horrified look on her face. "That's despicable!

Someone should inform her family at once!" Holmes stared at her as she continued, "What a dreadful thing to happen at the beginning of term!"

"No, no, it's theoretical, it didn't really happen," Holmes attempted to explain.

"Then why didn't you say so in the first place? And how does this tie in with docks, anyway?" J.A. asked angrily.

Holmes rolled his eyes, "Forget it." He turned away, and spotted Seth doodling on a piece of paper.

"You, sir-" Holmes called, "Where is the best place to find local gossip and information about someone you wish to know more about?"

"The local public house," Seth called back.

Holmes raised his right eyebrow, "Very good answer, Mr. Nix, the first in this class. Now," he turned to address the room, "sit up and stop drooling. The appropriate dress for your typical groom is as follows,"

Nearly two hours later, the floor had been completely covered with the thick, sticky fluid from the student's mouths.  Holmes had taken to standing on his chair as he explained. He had tried sitting, but found he stood up every few minutes. Finally, five minutes before the bell rang, the class sat upright at the word, "homework."

"You're assignment for this week is as follows; you are trying to find out why Sir Charles is trying to blackmail Lady Heather. Write a full report on who you're working for, what you wore, where you went, when you went, why you went, and how you obtained your information." The bell rang, and the students made their way out. As Leigh left, she heard Holmes telling one of the mini-Hounds to get a cleaning crew up her as soon as possible. Feeling a little foolish, she walked towards the stairs. Funny, no one had even attempted to glomp him... maybe it was because this was the first day? Nah, probably had something to do with the ten mini-Hounds and the loaded pistol on the desk.

"Wait up, Leigh!" a familiar voice called. Leigh turned, and saw Seth running to catch up with her.

"Hey," she smiled as he pulled up beside her, "thanks for giving me your seat," she said as they began to walk.

"No problem, you wanted it more than I did." He grinned devilishly. Leigh blushed and looked at her feet.

"You made a very good impression with Holmes," she said, changing the subject.

Seth shrugged, "I know my Canon. In 'The Solitary Cyclist,' Holmes rebukes Watson for going to a broker to find out who owned a piece of land, instead of going to the nearest public house."

"Oh. I knew that."