CHAPTER 4

Wilson came into the hotel lobby and saw House chatting with two very attractive, but slightly sleazy-looking women. He stopped in his tracks and observed for a moment before approaching, seeing them laugh at something House said. "You get the idea…" he heard House confirm before he reached them and they both nodded. House saw Wilson. "Alright, scram, hotties."

"Wilson!" House exclaimed, putting his arm around him and leading him away. Wilson looked over his shoulder and saw the women enter the hotel bar.

"What's going on, House?" Wilson asked.

"Nothing! Just making conversation with some locals," he answered.

"Where's Cuddy?" Wilson pressed.

"Probably waking up right now and asking 'Where's House?'" He replied, pulling out his phone to send her a text so she could find him.

"Why aren't you with her?"

"Went to see Bauer," House answered. "Wanted to compare him to Cuddy's ass. I still think Cuddy's is bigger…" House insisted.

"House!" Wilson hissed, stopping and grabbing his arm, "What did you say?"

"Nothing much," House explained, pulling away from Wilson and sitting on a lobby couch, propping his feet on the coffee table. "Basically I called him a douchbag, he called me a gimp, and that was the end of it." Wilson looked relieved. He sat down on a chair.

"Well, thanks," Wilson said, "For standing up for me. And for not making it worse."

"Me? Exaccerbate a situation? Wilson, do you know me at all?" House asked, faking incredulousness. Wilson rolled his eyes.

Then House saw Cuddy get off the elevator. She was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, her hair was in a ponytail. She was lovely. House wolf-whistled while she scanned the lobby looking for him. "Hey, sexy. What you doin' tonight?" She smiled and came over. She flopped next to House and put her head on his shoulder.

"Feeling any better, Wilson?" Cuddy asked with a sad face.

"Yeah, it's fine." Wilson said. "I'll just file a complaint, like you said. But I am going to go to that presentation and sit front and center," Wilson said with conviction, "Just to make him have to face me."

"That's almost a confrontation!" House commended him. "I'll go with you."

"It's at 9 in the morning," Wilson replied, skeptical of his promise.

"I'll be there, Wilson," House assured.

Just then they saw Bauer walking out the lobby doors with the two women House had been chatting with, their arms hooked through his and a smug smile on his face. "Great!" Wilson complained. "Now he's going to be all sexually smug and stealing my work tomorrow."

House looked over at Cuddy. "Why do you look so sexually smug?" he asked her, smirking.

"House!" she scolded, embarrassed in front of Wilson.

"Weren't you just talking to those women?" Wilson asked. House sighed and rolled his eyes, giving Wilson a C'mon, man! look.

Cuddy sat up. "Why were you talking to them?" she asked.

"They're hookers!" he cried. "Hookers love me! They're my demographic and they're all over this town cuz it's legal." Cuddy narrowed her eyes at him. "Hookers see a crabby guy with a cane and just assume he's into it." She continued evil-eyeing him. "Look, am I talking to them now? I sent them over to Bauer. Hopefully he'll get an STD." Wilson and Cuddy just stared at him. "While I'm pressing my luck, let's go gamble," he said, standing up.

They walked to the hotel casino and House put twenty dollars in a slot machine, sitting on the stool and pulling Cuddy against him while Wilson looked around, overwhelmed by it all as usual. "Wilson, will you go get me a beer since I defended your honor?"

Wilson agreed and asked Cuddy if she wanted anything, but she declined. She was pouting a little.

"Come on, lady luck, push my buttons," House said to her. Cuddy pushed the "spin" button on the slot machine, but didn't win. "Jinx!" House accused. She looked unamused. "Cuddy, I wasn't flirting with those women!" he protested. "They're accessories to my scheme." Now Cuddy perked up, wary and curious.

"What scheme?" she asked. "Is that why they left with Bauer?"

"Yeah," House explained. "They're going to make it so he's… incapacitated for his presentation tomorrow."

"How do you know they can do that?" she asked.

"Cuddy, men and hookers are Pavlovian," he replied. "They'll ring his bell."

"That's very awful of you," Cuddy said, "But also brilliant."

"Awful and brilliant – that's me. But you haven't heard the best part," House explained. She looked at him carefully. "I'm going to fill in for him and publically apologize to Wilson."

"House!" she scolded. "That's too far. You can't impersonate another doctor!" she warned.

"Come on, Cuddy," he argued. "It's perfect. It gives Wilson the credit and no one will ever know."

"Except everyone at our hospital!" she argued.

"Who else is even here? Like three others?" he argued back. "They probably won't even be at that session. It's for oncologists specifically."

"Well, I won't be there either," she protested. "Tell Wilson I something came up. I'm not gonna watch this blow up in your face."

"It won't! It'll be perfect," he insisted. "Come on, Cuddy," he pleaded, pulling her closer, nuzzling her neck. ""I'll be there avenging my friend, all ironed and important. You'll be in on it. It's very scheme-y. Don't you think that's sexy?" She looked at him, still not convinced.

"Fine," he relented, "But I'm doing it, whether you come or not. Now let's forget it and win some money. You gotta pay off those hookers I put on your credit card."